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 mingogo
Joined: 1/15/2013
Msg: 1
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Opening the Door for Sexual talkPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I've been on several dates with a guy, (I really like him, we have wonderful chemistry, are both attracted to eachother, etc. etc.) and was comfortable enough with some sexual flirting/sharing of sexual interests and stuff like that, but I told him explicitely that I was still not comfortable enough to engage in the act with him (It takes me more than a few dates to warm up to something like that).
He seemed to take my openness on the subject as a free pass to try and advance on me at every chance he gets. Granted, we go out in public for most of our dates, but it seems whenever we are alone he is trying to touch places and start things that I have already told him that I am not ready for. And he seems shocked and almost insulted when I tell him no.
So guys, is there a way to crack open the "sex door" without you coming and barging right through it? Or is it better just to leave the whole sexual talk out until you are completely comfortable engaging in the act itself.
Girls, have you ever experienced this? How do you handle it?
 ivegotitgoingon
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 2
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/1/2013 5:16:50 PM
Honestly, find someone else to date.

Clearly he doesn't respect you. How many times do you have to tell him no or tell him that your are not comfortable. I have a saying when guys pull the disrespect thing like that it's NEXT
I'd rather continue to be single than put up with that horseshit.
Find someone who respects your requests and will be a gentleman.

Good Luck!
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 3
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/1/2013 5:27:22 PM
Talking about sex doesn’t mean you’re ready to have sex. Make that clear to him in a gentle way that respects his feelings. He may have thought you were sending a signal. No harm done.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 4
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/1/2013 5:44:09 PM
Op,this guy is obviously paying no attention to the boundaries you have and if he's trying to touch you inappropriately every chance he gets...............UGH!

Sounds like he's looking to get laid (only).
Find someone who actually listens to you and shows you some consideration and respect.
 ivegotitgoingon
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 5
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/1/2013 5:59:25 PM
I think it's too soon to be giving him the slient treatment or scolding him. Are you looking for a toddler that you have to "train" to be a respectable human being or a gentleman. Hardly.

WAY too early for this sort of nonsense.

You are young, attractive. You do not have to put up with this for another second. One day you will find a man who treats you right and you will laugh your little head off thinking about this little twit.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 6
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/1/2013 6:08:58 PM
I think you are giving mixed signals. If I was exchanging 'sexual flirts' and talking about my 'sexual interests' I would expect the man to think I was interested in at least moving towards 'the act'.

I think it's confusing to say 'don't touch me' but then flirt, giggle and say 'you look hot without your shirt on' or 'I like whatever position'.

You need CLEAR boundaries.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 7
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Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/1/2013 6:14:19 PM
You are not ready to date, OP.

You're just barely out of an abusive relationship, and now are jumping into the next one without having worked through your issues, as evidenced by the fact that you're letting this one walk all over you, too.

If somebody repeatedly violates your boundaries, you need to kick him to the curb.

And, yes, sending him mixed messages by teasing him with sex talk when you're not ready to act on it is also a bad idea.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 8
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Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/1/2013 6:20:22 PM
My gut is telling me that as soon as you do have sex with him, he'll be gone the next day. I also think you should just drop him. If he can't respect you now, how much less respect is he going to have for you in six months, a year, etc.?

I have to disagree with the notion that you can't even say something with a sexual overtone without the expectation that you're now ready to jump into bed. To me, it means it's in the cards, but it's not happening right now. It's something I'm thinking about it and will probably want to do it soon, but I don't want to do it right now.

I don't even have a problem with him making an advance every now and then, but the OP said he was now constantly trying, which would get old really fast for me if I'd made it clear that I'm not ready YET.
 not_your_girl_next_door
Joined: 6/24/2012
Msg: 9
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/1/2013 6:49:30 PM
Jeffrey....

as a woman, I really see both sides. Sex for me is an interesting thing in a relationship....I'm fine with waiting, but once its there it had better be up to my standards or the relationship won't work out. So I'm fairly up front with my wants/needs/likes/dislikes, etc. But there's talking about it and then there's talking about it. From the OP's post, it sounds like she may be having more "suggestive" talks, which would lead the guy into believing that she might want to do some of it.....then she says no, he backs off, and then she continues to pull up her skirt and ask him what he thinks of her underwear....

I'm definitely against things like slut shaming and rape culture, but there are ways to de-sexualize a sexually suggestive conversation and I'm not sure the OP knows how to do that. It does take a certain amount of maturity and finesse. In a country where 25% of the female population has been sexually molested in some form, I think that she needs to learn how to set CLEAR boundries and then ENFORCE them....with herself as well as this boyfriend or any others.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 10
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/1/2013 7:37:17 PM
Two adults should be able to comfortably play with innuendo without necessarily getting all touchy.
This man should exhibit far more manners and keep his mitts off her body.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 11
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Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/1/2013 9:14:25 PM

Two adults should be able to comfortably play with innuendo without necessarily getting all touchy.
This man should exhibit far more manners and keep his mitts off her body.

I completely agree!
There should be absolutely no reason 2 adults cannot discuss sex without it meaning "take me now".
I insist on having a sexual discussion with a man I might be interested in.....I want to know if there is a possibility of sexual compatibility issues and I also gauge a man by his ability to have a mature discussion about sex without going all hormonal teenager on me!!

If a man cannot accept your "boundaries"......he is not the man for you. Period.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 12
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/1/2013 9:20:05 PM
In fact, driving home at the end of a date all hot n' bothered from free-flowing conversation is part of the allure!
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 13
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/1/2013 9:25:35 PM

Talking about sex doesn’t mean you’re ready to have sex.
Exactly.

You've made it clear you aren't ready for more, so I personally don't see where the mixed messages is coming in.

As for whether you are ready to be dating? Only you can determine such things. But recognize the signs if you aren't....

Maybe this guy will snap out of it and back off a bit, but from what you're saying, he doesn't really sound the type. Shocked, insulted and handsy don't equal respect.... your call Op, but imo the writing is on the wall.
 Technoartisan
Joined: 3/12/2012
Msg: 14
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/2/2013 6:51:52 AM
I, too, say you're sending mixed messages.

I also hear some folks making some assumptions. You mention specifically "sexual flirting" while some of the other responders are talking about "sexual discussions". Those are not necessarily the same thing. A discussion can be had between sincere, mature adults without an implied or expressed consent to act. For that, you need to drop any innuendo, suggestive body language, etc. Flirting, in my book, *is* consent.

Another point is, you've expressed that you're not ready. Ok... That was a good thing to do. He tries and gets shut down. He tries again and gets shut down. Repeat ad nauseum. How is he going to know when you are ready if he doesn't try? Could he ask instead of act? Of course. Would it be any less annoying or frustrating to you?

He being immature and disrespectful. I think, though, that you are just as culpable in this situation.

You have a mess on your hands and it will take a lot of maturity on both of your parts to work through it. Good luck.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 15
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/2/2013 6:57:27 AM

as soon as you do have sex with him, he'll be gone the next day. I also think you should just drop him

Not picking on this particular forum poster but this seems to be a prevailing attitude among women in the forums. You ladies that can't resist dropping this little tidbit at every opportunity REALLY need to take a break. Try knitting or something.
 dartmouthjames
Joined: 12/15/2012
Msg: 16
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/2/2013 7:17:57 AM

So guys, is there a way to crack open the "sex door" without you coming and barging right through it?
I always have fun with this one, because it's as predictible as gravity in my life. 100% of the time women always bring up sex with me first, and I always joke and say "why are you women always about sex." I wasn't always this relaxed; if you had asked me a couple years ago, I would have told you that women should just not bring it up until they are ready cuz it's unnecessary frustration and made it seem like she was mocking me. That was before I learned to give myself room to breathe, and have fun and not be in a rush or stress over things. It depends on the guy.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 17
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Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/2/2013 8:11:42 AM
Not feeling picked on, STubidoo, but read the countless threads in here about guys who couldn't wait to score and then left as soon as he did. And then there's always personal experience and observation...... When the majority seems to have the same opinion about something, there usually is some basis of truth to it.

I tried knitting once, but I kept dropping stitches...... :P
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 18
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Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/2/2013 10:41:35 AM
When I feel a convo is too sexual from her end and she seems not really ready to close the deal.... I will often say.....

"Don't tease me unless you intend to please me??"

This phrase also applies to an ongoing relationship as well... missed expectations lead to frustrations
 Skotch
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 19
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Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 2/2/2013 12:39:23 PM
I've got a lot of conflicting things to say about this...

Dated a gal a long time ago that we'd start to get intimate and she'd stop it before we got too intimate. After awhile I told her that if she wasn't ready that was cool and if she wanted me to stop at any point she could tell me or continue on how we were doing it. We continued on. She basically gave me consent to keep trying as long as neither of us was going to get upset over it. I don't know if it was that or something else but it was a huge turn on.

Lately I've been trying to stick to the idea that what she actually *says* is what she means. In other words, I'll play dumb. If she tells me that she doesn't want to have sex, then gets naked and starts rubbing up against me, I'll call her out on it. "Not that I mind this, but didn't you say you didn't want to have sex? This whole situation is kind of giving me mixed signals."

I get the feeling that a lot of women want to be chased but not caught (or maybe I just don't chase long enough or at all?). I don't like it. If I seem too eager they put me at arms length, if I play a little colder they start warming up to me. I consider that mind games and generally give up on it. I don't want to have to read your mind.
 femlady22
Joined: 3/2/2013
Msg: 20
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 4/6/2013 3:01:48 AM
@ technoartisan

Flirting, in my book, *is* consent"

NO, NO, NO! That is part of rape culture that is so deeply embedded in North American
society that it cannot be easily detected by the average person.
One of the problems in societies in this day and age: people still
are unclear about what consent is. Basically a woman (or man) can flirt, touch, even be in the
very act of foreplay or sex but the moment they say no the person must stop or else they are
committing sexual assault (unwanted sexual kissing or touching) or rape-- depending on what
it is they are doing.

Simple solution for consent: YES MEANS YES AND NO MEANS NO.
If you cannot tell and feel that you are forcing or coercing her (him) you have a
mouth for a reason! ASK! Or else face the potential to be liable in the future
for rape. People are so ready to do sexual acts but uncomfortable to talk
about such issues as consent!! haaaa what silliness XD
 Iredurbio2
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 21
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 4/6/2013 3:24:13 AM
Windchymes had my thought exactly .She would be back here asking where this guy went .
I thought he liked me and all of a sudden he's gone.What's sad is that when you do decide,
I think he'll still bolt .
 jamie_lee_1963
Joined: 3/27/2013
Msg: 22
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 4/6/2013 4:18:20 AM
Some people do not understand ' No ' - I have found this out myself.

I am sure that the blood isn't going to big head on their shoulders and the other one is doing all the thinking.

If you are not comfortable I would tell him so VERY directly.

If he still refuses to understand, then time for you to call it quits.
 ManOfAdventure28
Joined: 3/8/2013
Msg: 23
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Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 4/6/2013 5:07:56 AM
Well my advice is not to use terminology like "crack" and "sex door"......maybe he's one of those police officers whose job it is to break down the door with his battering ram......
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 24
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Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 4/6/2013 5:42:56 AM

So guys, is there a way to crack open the "sex door" without you coming and barging right through it?

Yes, of course there is a way but apperantlly not with him.
I would be happy to know that there is a chemistry, that the "sex door" is open but wouldn't try barging throug it, and ruin the whole thing. I would peek through it tho, just to see..
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 25
Opening the Door for Sexual talk
Posted: 4/6/2013 9:24:47 AM

(Msg #1.) So guys, is there a way to crack open the "sex door" without you coming and barging right through it?


Simple. Have the sex talk if that's what you want as far as positions, likes and dislikes, etc. then drop it. Tell him you will let him know when you're ready. End of sex talk. If he keeps trying ask him if he heard you say you were ready. He'll probably reply "No". Then say, "So why are you trying when you know I haven't said I was ready?"

Obviously he has difficulty understanding so you'll have to talk to him like one would talk to a child. Direct questions and answers. He'll either accept it or move on. Problem solved.
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