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 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 2
Would you be upset if your SO did this?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

I know he gets calls and texts from exes, and I don't have an issue with that.


Why does he get "calls and texts from exes" (plural-more than 1?)? Does he have children with them?


supposedly to give her legal advice about her recent break up. He's no lawyer,


How convenient.


He then became angry at me and threatened to leave me if I didn't get it together.


I would beat him to the punch, so to speak. From the information that you provided, this guy seems to think he's entitled to do whatever he wants regarding other women, and you have to just go along with it, which you seem to do a lot.
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 3
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 1:22:21 PM

I would beat him to the punch, so to speak. From the information that you provided, this guy seems to think he's entitled to do whatever he wants regarding other women, and you have to just go along with it, which you seem to do a lot.


Agree. I think his regular contact with the ex's has undermined your relationship and you will most likely react to any encounter out of the ordinary he has with women. He has a responsibility to create a safe space for you emotionally and he has failed to do that. You know what you need to to now.....when you are ready.
 Indira46
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 4
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Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 1:28:33 PM
Becoming angry and defensive is usually not a good sign. If you generally don't "nag" him, than this reaction from him is suspect. He is hiding something...whether it's his feelings for her, or more, it is something.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 5
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 1:29:37 PM

He then became angry at me and threatened to leave me if I didn't get it together.

This is what stands out the most to me.

Has he also begun picking on your faults lately, be they real or perceived?
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 6
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 1:30:10 PM
There is a problem here!! your boyfriend is CALLING another woman, that is a problem and now he is attempting to turn it around and make you feel guilty.

He shouldn't have her number in the first place especially after the fact he has a girlfriend, oh I know some people will think , what he isnt allowed to have friends? please ...hes not a lawyer or Doctor Phil or a long time friend.

Something is wrong here.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 7
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 1:31:51 PM
Yes, it does make him seem guilty. You’re right.

And tell him he can’t practice law without a license. On your way out.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 9
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Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 1:36:51 PM
I love how guilty people make you feel bad for mentioning their unacceptable behaviour. Of course you have a right to be upset. How would he feel if you were calling the handsome man you met at a party to give him advice on his divorce?
Threatening to leave you if you dare comment on his activities with other women says it all. You need to leave.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 10
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 1:42:14 PM

Threatening to leave you if you dare comment on his activities with other women says it all.

That's what I think, too. It may even have nothing to do with this woman, but he's got a foot out the door.
 for4rums_loner_here
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 11
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 1:42:51 PM
"""""""""""He then became angry at me and threatened to leave me if I didn't get it together. Mind you, I simply asked him IF he had been calling her.""""""""""""""

I know his type. No need to alarm until he pulls a knife on you or beats you to a pulp. If that happens, move back with your mom.

I think you are a bit paranoid. He may not be fixin' to cheat on you. His reason to see these women to give them legal advice may be as simple and innocent as to buy the crack cocaine or meth from them. Check your bankbook often, and your credit card limit of available balance. Look for missing valuables in the house.
 for4rums_loner_here
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 13
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 1:49:50 PM
He may be angry because by now the deal fell through. Nothing angers a man (male human, male gorillas, male chimpanzee, male orangutangs) more than a prospect for some pleasant activity, and in the last moment getting it pulled away from them.

I remember when I was in hospital for heart surgery, I wanted to eat the hospital meal, but my girlfriend was tardy and inept at raising the bed table so I could get at the food. I was extremely hungry. So I screamed at the poor innocent chile, because I was hungry, the food was right in front of me, it was getting cold, and she was fidgeting with some screws and levers on the table contraption.

He may be angry every time you remind me of these two girls, because it reminds him that he is a failure in getting girls on the side. Or else that they were aged 14, both, each separately and individually, and undercover cops as well. His trial is coming up this April. Be there or be square.
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 14
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 1:57:50 PM
Yeah I agree. The "get it together or I will leave" threat is not acceptable and is very telling. I think he wants his freedom back. Just walk away, say nothing, refuse to discuss why its over. Let him learn the hard way. If he comes back with humility and apologies that he recognizes on his own without you prompting then consider taking him back. Besides he's given you a choice......shut up or put up. Does that meet your needs for respect and intimacy in a relationship?
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 16
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 2:24:50 PM
It's cool to read when these things resolve themselves.

You wanted him out.
So he seems to have been doing recon on women to date
for when you do finally kick him out.

Very sensible on his part.
Your complaints were heard and digested.
So he thought ahead.

I wish you both separate and sensible happiness.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 17
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 2:41:52 PM

...we decided to not get two places in order to save money. Big mistake.


It sounds like you already made up your mind, when you think living with him is a big mistake. It's hard to comment on the rest, since you're also in contact with ex's and both have several friends of the opposite sex and we don't know how friendly you or him are to the friends and ex's. You say she's different from his other female friends because she's cute and new. Are his other female friends ugly?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 18
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Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 2:50:55 PM
yeah... I was going to say too, that there is way too little actual info about this to make a valid judgment as an onlooker. The OP presented everything entirely from an already-decided point of view, with no balance at all. We don't know what tones of voice were used, or what many other side issues might have played a part in this.

I could come up with alternate, innocent reasons for everything that guy did and said, without even breaking a pencil. I could also write the OP's most desired evil plot, proving conclusively that the only reason we can't convict this guy of assassinating Kennedy, is that he's too young to have been on the grassy knoll.

Glad it' all resolved, and I can get back to something more useful to ponder.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 19
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 2:57:34 PM

He's getting defensive because he knows you know something is up and 'how DARE you be logical and actually ASK him about it'!!! He's either cheating for real, or at least in his mind he's preparing...red flags are abounding...
Yes the only time someone has reacted like that after i've asked a perfectly reasonable question is when they were guilty of hiding something and trying to deflect the attention away from what they are doing and on to "how dare I ask them if they were doing something wrong". They then usually accuse me of being insecure or something to make me feel like the b!tch for even asking... Nowadays, if someone reacts like that i know to look further because it is the reaction of a guilty person...
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 20
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 3:07:26 PM

Very sensible on his part.
Your complaints were heard and digested.
So he thought ahead.


Hope this advice was sarcastic because nothing is more inappropriate and hurtful to seek out others romantically while still living under your girlfriends roof and still a couple. Geez.
 venusenvy777
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 21
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 3:11:39 PM
O Man! Red flags all over the place...He gets "defensive" if you ask him about it? Yikes! Listen to your instincts girl thats what you have them for...
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 22
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Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 3:13:51 PM
would I be upset?... heck ya I would.
I dont really understand your history, so I don't know where your head is at. But if you don't like it, ask him to stop, and if he doesn't.... time to make your choices.
 safebetinvegas
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 23
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Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 3:14:26 PM
Similar to many other threads of similar topic.

KISS theory:

An ex is an ex is an ex...keep it that way.

Speculation:

As for all the "advice" he was giving out to the other ladies...was it "pro bono" (even though you didn't say he was an attorney) or did he get something in return?

What made him such an eager beaver to "help" these women ?

Make one wonder doesn't it ?
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 24
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 3:24:48 PM
I always try to put myself in the other persons scenario and the "what would I say or react?"....IF..
By the way he reacted...to me it seemed a bit too much..over reacting?? Why??
Something just isn't right.
See....If it was me....and my mate was jealous over nothing....I would probably tease him a little...not get angry.
I have learned to go with your gut...
Good Luck!
Oh....and I wouldn't take threats lightly either....I'd be gone or him...
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 25
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Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 3:32:45 PM
Karen,
In my experience when a couple is together, they will normally leave the past behind, that's usually mature people.

However, I don't care what age a person is, when the red flags come up, and your gut is making you feel insecure, there usually is a good reason for it! Whenever I had those kinds of fears in the past, in the end I was always right.

I know you want to give him the benefit of doubt, but when a guy is into you, they normally don't have a need to talk to ex's or any other woman.

I don't want to make you paranoid, but I would tell him, that you are looking for someone who wants to be with you,and has no other interest in hanging onto the past or playing attorney for other single women or talking to other women on the phone/text. He's a piece of work!

Get rid of him, it's better to hurt now, then find out a bunch of bad things down the road.

Tell him to call you when he's ready to only be with you, and watch his reaction, if he acts like fine and storms away, you got your answer sweetie, believe me, he likes playing head games and he likes keeping too many women in his life for him to offer any girl (you) a solid and honest commitment.

Do what you will, but I would run as fast as I could and I would find someone who only has eyes for me, but that's me, and I don't know how strong you are....

You need to get rid of the baggage, so that you don't have to worry about carrying it.

Take Care, good luck.
Jan
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 26
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:02:39 PM
op please tell us a bit more about this situation if you can.
as far as to what you already said..
I consider his over reaction to be a big red flag

leaving someone is difficult.....it hurts..
staying can hurt worse if it is not the right person..if it is a person who does not respect you.
He should not have a difficult time understanding how you are feeling about him calling her IF you are telling him how you feel.
If he still cant make changes and stop calling her.....I would have to go.
 KER6969
Joined: 12/16/2012
Msg: 27
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:04:49 PM
Oh yes I'd be pissed off. These women can't call up a lawyer and ask for advice? He's being defensive because he knows he's cheating and disrespecting you and got caught. He's telling you to get it together? You aren't doing anything wrong HE IS! Oh he's as guilty as sin.

If it was me I'd dump his cheating behind! No way I'd tolerate his bs.
 Skotch
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 28
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Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:31:35 PM
Let me look at it in the most pro-this guy look.

He could just be giving advice. Maybe he gives good advice, even in a non threatening manner. After all, he's living with his girlfriend, he'd have to be married to be any more non threatening. Legal advice could just mean advice on how to proceed with a divorce. It doesn't have to do with this form or that letter, it could literally be advice about if the woman should feel bad about demanding to keep the toaster.

His reaction could be another story, however... He realizes how this looks. He sounds like he may do this a number of times. Maybe he's defensive and thinks of it as one of his traits. Nonnegotiable trait even. "I get along with new people really well and have had good luck on giving women a male perspective on their break ups." Sounds fishy, right? Well, yah, it does, but its not totally unrealistic. He probably does feel guilty for putting his SO through that uncertainty, but he could be debating this whole thing in his head every other minute and came to the conclusion that he's not doing anything wrong and its wrong for you to make assumptions. When you asked him if he was talking to her, all those debates he had in his head came up. It doesn't matter if you just asked him if he said hello to her when he walked by her on the street, to him it could have implied that you brought up all the accusations that he knows you could be thinking.

Now, with this best case scenario, what can we conclude? Well, he's got an issue or two. What a previous post said, if someone brought up your question to me, I'd tease them about being jealous then proceed to dish out a lot of affection to reassure my SO. That'd be a reasonable mature response. I'd also try to find a way to include you in this "legal advice relationship." Maybe ask you about your opinion on this other woman's problem.

So even if this situation is something blown out of proportion, his getting defensive immediately off an apparently innocent question means that he realizes what it could look like. His threatening to end your relationship because of the question makes me thing that he's either got some unresolved insecurities, he is cheating on you, or you've been nagging the f*ck out of him and he knew where the conversation was going to go. Seems you've already decided that no matter what the answer is, it wasn't worth the work it would have taken to get through it.
 Quasimodo11543
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 29
Would you be upset if your SO did this?
Posted: 2/4/2013 6:35:18 PM
Giving priority to someone you met a month or so ago over your girlfriends feelings.

Do I need to elaborate any more than this?
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