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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be consider      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 1
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?Page 1 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
Last summer, I had a brief relationship with a woman whom I met on here. She was nice, kind, honest, hard-working... and she had a unique way of fun. As we were getting to know each other, she told me a little bit about her past. With that, she told me about her ex-bf whom was abusive. So abusive in fact, that he physically assulted her AND her mom.

Anyways, things were going great for the first month and a half. We seen each other about 3-4 times a week. And hung out with another couple (consisting of her best friend and her best friend's bf) every Thursday Night for board games. Then out of the blue she tells me this:
"Oh you have nothing to worry about. Your background check came back perfect!"
I said to her, "Background check? What are you talking about?"
"My mom conducted a background check on you, not too long after we met. And it came back perfect," she replied.

When she told me that... I was upset. I understand that she was looking out for herself and for the safety of her and her mother. But if you ask me, doing that without my concent was just a little wrong. Whatever happened to the days of actually getting to know each other the old fashioned way. You know, asking each other questions or spending lots and lots of time together to find out everything you need to know. It's like everyone takes everything on the computer so seriously. And its causing an uprise in insecurity.

Bottom line though, this is something I definately don't wanna go though ever again. if a woman wants to know everything about me, she can just ask. If she has to resort to a background check, then she's showing her insecurity big time. And... she proves that she doesn't trust anyone.

What are your thoughts on this?
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 2
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:16:41 PM
Exactly... I gave this woman the exact same thing. And that's what I got in return.
 Indira46
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 3
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:19:25 PM
I, personally don't have background checks done on my dates.
However, saying if someone wants to know something they can just ask, may not always work. What are the odds this woman's ex boyfriend would tell his potential dates about his history of abusing women?
 timesawastin13
Joined: 10/21/2012
Msg: 4
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:19:42 PM
(Just my opinion, If offended, wasn't my intentions.) With the way the world is today, it's better to be safe than sorry. Yea, she could have asked first but she could have said nothing at all. At least she admitted to it, have to give her some credit on that, i guess. It does seem harsh but her past made her that way not her fault, its the jerk who mistreated her and her mother. God Bless.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 5
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:26:23 PM
Of course, a guy like that won't admit his wrongdoings to such a woman. However... think about the innocent new guy in the picture.

What if I had been abused by a woman in my past. And I conducted a background check on you, because of what the woman before you did to me? It would probably make you feel like a criminal right?
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 6
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:28:55 PM
And because of that jerk.... this innocent guy who has never harmed a woman in his life... got treated like a hardened criminal.

I'm not at all offended by what you said. In fact, you're right. Nowadays, it is better to be safe than sorry. But whatever happened to taking a chance and giving everything to chance? Where are those days? Do they even exist anymore?
 Aww-Ree
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 7
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:30:54 PM
Rebecca Nieto was sexually assaulted in her home within one week of meeting Dustin Trickett online through eHarmony in 2006. She escaped the incident by screaming and running out of her home for help. She found that Dustin Trickett was a registered sex offender. http://www.backgroundcheck.org/7-cases-where-criminal-background-checks-couldve-saved-lives/

A secretary was left unrecognisable after she was beaten and raped by a man she met through a dating website. Peter Ramsey, 26, punched the young woman to the ground, ripped off her tights and sexually assaulted her when she refused him a goodnight kiss. He left the 27-year-old woman – whom he met on Plentyoffish.com – with 21 injuries, knocking out one of her front teeth. Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2117471/Police-issue-warning-internet-daters-woman-raped-beaten-man-met-online.html#ixzz2Jyn33i8l

November 22, 2012|By Erin Meyer, Chicago Tribune reporter
Derrick Chaney may have come across as a catch on the dating website he used — successful, connected and smooth-talking. But when the 31-year-old Iowa woman Chaney courted online traveled to Illinois for their first date, he quickly turned from eligible bachelor to sexual predator, police said. After weeks of Internet chats and phone conversations, the two met in January at an Aurora motel, where Chaney sexually assaulted the woman and held her prisoner, according to authorities. http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2012-11-22/news/ct-met-online-dating-20121122_1_spark-networks-true-com-online-relationship-site
*************************************************************************************
Honestly, I don't know if it's a sign of insecurity or best practices...probably a bit of both.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 8
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:32:39 PM
grow the funk up, if you wanna dunk your oreos in the dark you have to let this type of miniscule irritation go. If mom wants to consult a Ouiji board, witchdoctor or an Iphone app about whether you're a keeper take it as a good sign. Baron Samedi said you were okay.. getting your intestines twisted around because they were snooping through completely obselencent bullhunk internet twertle is infantile. Don't get caught in that.

Its a sign of care that they looked. These background check websites are a plague and don't tell anything about what's really up. I mean- I'm not guilty for the superbowl power outage but there's not going to be any hits over 14000 people getting free drinks on their chinese new year flights either. (I'm sorry- my hope is that somehow the delays caused a few unexpected new children- statistically you've gotta imagine something happened with all that alchohol)

Let them enjoy their moments with the soothsayer.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 9
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:35:43 PM
Consider that they guy who abuse her and her mother had probably done it before. I personally have never done a background check, but have also never had the type of experience the girl had. No one treated you like a hardened crimina, they simply did a background check. I think you are being overly sensistive.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 10
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:36:08 PM
The thing is.... NOT ALL guys are like this. Its like women want to stereotype all guys the same way. And that's not fair... especially for nice guys like myself. Guys like that, make nice guys like me seem different, strange, odd, or even worse... scary. Nice does NOT equal scary.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 11
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:41:18 PM
It's the way of the world now.
Background checks are very inexpensive and easy.

Best get used to it.
As for me....I don't mind.
If it puts her mind at ease....it's a good thing.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 12
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:43:53 PM
I wouldn't be upset. The reality of it is, we do not have the community networks or connections that often come when meeting people IRL (same college, for example, or someone who knows someone from work, those sorts of things). Even those connections are really a thin veil these days, too. So if someone wanted to check me out, I wouldn't feel like a criminal at all. It takes a lot of time to get to know someone and having some security about their past might make some people feel better--although it creates a whole new problem, what to do with any information you get. What if you are checking for a criminal record but find out they declared bankruptcy some time ago? I try really hard to evaluate a person by their current behavior, but maybe something from the past would get to me. So I'm not sure if I would ever do it myself.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 13
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:43:59 PM
When visiting a random Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts each day, it is packed with complete strangers.
Some might think this crazy...yet I sometimes SPEAK with these people...it's totally reckless, I know.

There comes a time when intuition comes into play. I am an able-bodied male, yet if a new woman on POF sent me a message right now asking me to meet at a secluded loading dock on the wharf at 3:30 a.m., I wouldn't do it. At the same time, if she proposed we meet for coffee and walk around inside the mall chatting, sure, why not?

Same here, the OP had been interacting with a woman (and her friends) several times a week for more than a month. It also sounds like they would have had to snoop through his wallet to obtain details to realistically continue their so-called investigation. I wouldn't be impressed with the Double-Top-Secret aspect of it, either.
 Aww-Ree
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 14
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:46:26 PM
G-Rock....the woman was abused by someone she trusted. Then he abused her mum...and you're all butt hurt because the mother decided not to take chances again with letting a man into their lives who could potentially harm her daughter and or harm the mother as well. While you make it seem as if they invaded your privacy...the records they accessed are probably public record. Your employer, the landlord, even your banker could run the same type of background check on you and you would never know it. Often times, they don't even disclose that they do it. Whilst you may feel she breached your privacy in some way...I think she has a much better reason for doing so than does the potential employer, landlord or banker. If you had any empathy at all for what she was put through, you wouldn't be making this "all about you".

Oh one last thing, you weren't treated like a hardened criminal...they didn't do a body cavity check on you, did they? *rolls eyes @ you*
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 15
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:50:44 PM
I'm not insecure at all but I want to know who I'm bringing into my life and into my children's home.

Case and point....I met a guy online and I heard him tell me his story, he told me what he wanted me to hear. He twisted the truth so that it was his reality but not really close to reality in this lifetime

hmmm....something was telling me something was off.....couldn't put my finger on it....so I did a google search on his name.

I'm not going to go into the details but everything he told me was a lie. He will soon be a convicted felon and that's the easiest part to swallow. And when I asked him about it do you know what he said? He didn't want to see me anymore because he didn't want to talk about all the bad stuff in his past, it's too traumatizing to him. FU*K That.

HE has a hidden life, HE is a dangerous man, HE is the reason that women do google searches and background checks. I'd rather be smart than be sucked into the fantasy of some deluded mental case and bring him into my life and the lives of my children. Sorry your feelings were hurt (not really) but just because you might be a good person doesn't mean the rest of the people in the world are.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 16
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:51:31 PM
And that's not fair... especially for nice guys like myself

you poor thing.

look at it this way. if you bought a used car from a local dealer and got stuck with a really bad deal and all kinds of expensive repairs, i'm pretty sure the next time you had to buy one you'd be a heck of a lot more likely to get it thoroughly checked out by a qualified mechanic before taking the plunge. that's not actually a condemnation of the next car based on the poor quality of the last one. why would it be? it's a completely different car. it's just a little something you did for your own peace of mind. because you never see the clusterfucks until they happen.

get over it, it's not that big a deal. not saying that having a background check done is supposed to make you feel all warm & fuzzy now. people are entitled to a little self-assurance if they are going to invite you into their life. i never felt the need to do it myself, but it's easy to see why some people would.
 Indira46
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 17
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History
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:52:16 PM
I wouldn't feel like a criminal. I have a copy of my background check that I use at work. My dates can have a look if they like.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 18
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:55:28 PM
No man should take a look at that. They should give everything to chance.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 19
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 4:58:05 PM
Y'all must live in some SERIOUSLY dangerous neighborhoods! Mother-rapists? Killers? Father-rapists? Yikes.
While not yet encountering Miss Right the past few months, my dates have been normal, well-spoken, and pretty.
I have never once felt that my identity, security, well-being, or anything of that type was remotely in danger.
 GC_Hayez
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 20
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:01:46 PM
The bottom line for me is this.... I never have performed a background check on anyone... and I never will. I'll continue leaving everything to chance. If things don't work... I move on. That's all I can do. This world we live in is not a bad place. I just wish other people realized that like I do.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 21
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:03:05 PM
I wish I had done a background check on this guy I dated for a while. he conned me out of my savings and when I went to cops they told me there were 37 ladies before me who were conned . He has filed bankrupt so he is safe !!!
 Aww-Ree
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 22
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:05:58 PM

G-ROCK1980
This world we live in is not a bad place. I just wish other people realized that like I do.

You might have a differing point of view G-ROCK if your "world" was suddenly turned upside down by someone who used violence against you or someone you love.
 domainfullduplex100
Joined: 12/21/2012
Msg: 23
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Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:06:04 PM
we all have to get used to the modern world. The romance in romance based on what we find out later has been replaced with prenups, credit score checks, criminal record check of potential partners. People need to protect themselves against con men and women and psychos...no..it's not very nice, but understandable
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 24
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:06:27 PM
Well men, I have one question for you to think about. If you were married and had kids, then later divorced would you like your ex wife to trust blindly and bring someone into your childrens lives that she met online without doing any kind of a check on him? Would you be happy to know that she just took a "chance" with him?

Believe me, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the people out there who don't have the same good intentions as you. Seriously, quit feeling sorry for yourself.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 25
Should performing a background check on a potential bf/gf be considered as a sign of insecurity?
Posted: 2/4/2013 5:08:37 PM
I have no problem with background checks. I think it would be respectful that she let a person know up front. Either way the truth comes out but common courtesy would be nice. I had a woman leave my license number and my name at the house so if anything happened, someone knew. I kind of thought that was cool. To me it shows a responsible woman.
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