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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is it ok to bring new people around kids      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 yoursandallyours
Joined: 1/16/2013
Msg: 1
Is it ok to bring new people around kidsPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
So, I would like to know if anyone agrees or disagrees with this,
Lets say 2 people who have been separated for 2 weeks and one starts dating others instantly after. There is a 2 year old child involved in the whole thing. Basically the question I am asking is: Do you think it is ok for mommy or daddy to bring other women that he just met around the baby if the other parent has asked that you not bring the people that you are randomly hooking up with around the child? Also to add the other parent only has the child for days a month and has the rest of the month to mess around.
 KER6969
Joined: 12/16/2012
Msg: 2
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 7:56:18 PM
My ex husband and I have a rule that we do not bring someone around our kids until 1 year of dating has passed and a relationship has been established. It was agreed to in court and documented. He's broken that rule once recently and got his behind hauled back into court over it but the matter was resolved and I doubt he'll be screwing up again since his visits are now supervised because of his chosen screw up. I pride myself on providing my children with a happy, healthy upbringing which is what I had. Exposing children to dates that are just that is unhealthy.

Dating after being split up for 2 weeks? That's really fast. A person needs to go through the grieving and loss process before jumping back into the dating world. Bringing a 2 year old baby around dates is unhealthy and confusing to a child. No it's not ok at all!

Z1i12z - I don't break rules I ENFORCE THEM! You shouldn't go around making false assumptions about women you don't know just because you have personal issues.

Jamesin2013 - that's fine if you disagree with my comment because I really don't care what your opinion is But that's how I raise my children and in my opinion it's the RIGHT WAY. You condone bringing strangers around children and I don't. It causes a stressful, unstable environment for children. It's dangerous and unhealthy. Children can learn through divorce and the death of family members that people won't be in their lives forever. That's how my kids have learned that. Through the deaths of their grandfather, aunt, and because of their father's chosen infidelity which is why he's my ex.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 3
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:02:21 PM
So the couple split-up and the father is bringing new women home?
The mother in this story is bisexual (or lesbian) and she is bringing new women home, too?
And these two have only been separated for two weeks? That's some craziness.
 yoursandallyours
Joined: 1/16/2013
Msg: 4
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:03:28 PM
Good to hear that friend is having this issue and now has proof that husband has brought women around child so no she will be pushing that in court as well as suing for the STD he gave her while they were 2 yrs into marriage. I think she will be pushing for supervised visits. How do those work?
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 5
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:03:42 PM
It is never okay to bring new people around children, its sends them a bad message that relationships are disposable like a old pair of shoes
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 6
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:04:18 PM
I don't think it's ok, but that's just me and how I am choosing to parent my kids.

My ex introduced our kids to one of his girlfriends early on. I asked him if he could not do that with because it adds to their stress level, but ultimatly, when and who he chooses to introduce to our kids when they are with him, is his choice.
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 7
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:07:15 PM

And you've broken the rule many times and he's not dragged your ass into court. I'm new here and I already know.


Do you mind idenfitying who you're directing your comment to?
It certainly isn't me, nobody has met my kids.
 Jamesin2013
Joined: 9/13/2012
Msg: 8
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:15:27 PM

Exposing children to dates that are just that is unhealthy.


according to whom? you? are you a recognized expert on child development? i only ask because you say this as if it was fact and not just your personal opinion,,,,,,,,,,,,,for..i disagree


i think it is fine to teach a child that not everyone is going to stay in your life forever and maintaining that kind of illusion and unrealistic approach is the real unhealthy thing to do to a child,,,what is so wrong with being honest with someone,,,why do we insist on hiding the simplest things from children then wondering why they are so naive when they grow up? gee i wonder why

but listen,,,most of you are using the same playbook that has been passed down for generations and you don't even think about your choices you just do what the person before you told to you to do like good little sheeplings.....

if you think about it logically,,,,isn't the best way to raise an intelligent and emotionally stable and socially able child is to show them how life really works and not raise them in a false environment where everyone always thinks they are amazing wonderful flowers and nothing ever happens that is not directly from the Dr.Zeuss book of child rearing circa 1940....you know,,,until they step out your door,,,totally unprepared for a world that could care less about them?

i dunno,,,,,,,,,maybe adhering to long established child rearing techniques is the way to go,,,i mean,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,see how well it's worked out so far???

no??? pick up a newspaper or have one of these kids wait on you,,,,,,wonderful flowers indeed,,more like bitter angry kids who all of a sudden have been thrown in a world that was nothing like the make believe one they grew up in....

i dunno,,,,,,,,,,what do i know anyways:) do what ya want,,,ya have been anyways...............so,,,OP that's my opinion,,,i say let kids learn,,,,do not hide them from reality......jmo
 CouldBWow
Joined: 11/26/2012
Msg: 9
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:25:36 PM
I have a two year old child and there is no way I introduce anyone to him (or my 8 year old) until I feel pretty certain this is someone I am going to get serious with. IMO keep your family life and dating life separate until it seems obvious they are going to collide.
 StrangeDreams
Joined: 1/30/2013
Msg: 10
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:32:00 PM
Sorry James but I dont agree with you on this one, doesn't take a expert on child development to see the possible confusion for the child introducing someone too early.

You don’t want to set the kids up for disappointment, yes disappointment is part and parcel of life but young children dont bounce back quite as easily as adults especially when one gets attached too easily.

You also don’t want your kids to develop relationships with too many of your dates,That can be confusing for the kids And since there’s a certain amount of stress associated with bringing new relationships into the family ,kids get jealous and ex-spouses can be vindictive we all know that not all relationship ends amicably .

Introducing too many dates to your kids can possible lead the kids thinking relationships are nothing later on in life and we haven't touch on abandonment issues either ,and I dont think that is healthy in my opinion.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 11
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:40:00 PM
I agree with StrangeDreams on this. I don't have any kids, but I've known some whose parents had people in and out of their lives, and this did not turn out well for the children. Today they are young adults terrified of choosing one person to be with because they think everyone's always going to leave.
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 12
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 8:57:58 PM

Do you think it is ok for mommy or daddy to bring other women that he just met around the baby if the other parent has asked that you not bring the people that you are randomly hooking up with around the child?

Lol...forgot to change "he just met" to "they just met" in trying to be impartial.

Other than that, it doesn't matter what I think.

I would assume it's up to the people and parents involved.
What they agree to, and what they can live up to, and it's really the business of no one else.

Some people bring new dates home all the time.
Sometimes it's in a structured way. Like having a friend over for dinner. They come over, converse, eat dinner, then leave.
Nothing intimate, no hand holding, no making out, no innuendo, just friendly adults spending time together.
Sometimes it's unstructured and they lock the kid in its room and then they go make out on the couch and have sex in the kitchen.

Sometimes two people have a kid who really shouldn't.
And one person brings home a bunch of people to spite the other, and then the spited one creates all these rules as a means to get even. In reality, they are putting the kid in the middle of their spat with each other.
Sometimes one or both then go and look to others for justification of their escalating retribution, painting it as though they are the righteous one whose only "real" motive is to protect the kid.
Just like a politician. "Oh no, it's not about me getting power and control...it's for the children."
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 13
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 9:44:45 PM
It is absolutely NOT okay to bring new lovers around kids. You are a ROLE MODEL for your children. You don't want a revolving door of lovers around your kids. This behavior hurts their sense of security, trust in people (including you) and confuses them.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 14
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 10:56:45 PM
Well according to my ex-wife who had her lover spend the very first night that she and the kids moved out, the kids needed a father figure their first night away from home.
 RussArtLover
Joined: 5/13/2010
Msg: 15
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History
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/5/2013 11:10:22 PM
OP
Haven't read other replies yet. Restraining order comes to mind. Granted if some girl likes him enough to get cozy she is maybe ok with little ones but an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of regret.
 Perspektiv
Joined: 10/31/2012
Msg: 16
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 3:40:50 AM
I think you should ensure the relationship is well established prior to meeting your children up with a new person.

Otherwise, it is done with selfish reasons, and the results are often quite destructive.

I've seen so many parents, have revolving door levels of dates coming in and out of their children's lives, and they would have the nerve to wonder why their kids went off the rails later in life.

It causes severe self-esteem and trust issues in a child (especially so, if they are in their most crucial developmental years).

 NateAMFYOYO
Joined: 10/28/2012
Msg: 17
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:56:19 AM
Legally, there is nothing 'wrong' with it, and nothing you can do about it.

Morally and emotionally, I think its REALLY f'd up. I have 3 young kids, and NO intention of introducing them to anyone I date, until its gotten to a point where I think that person is going to be around for a long time, and they think so as well. And that certainly doesn't happen in a couple of weeks.
 msright78
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 18
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 5:36:16 AM
I don't have kids but I have dated a single father in the past.

My ex has 2 kids and when we were dating, he never introduced me to him. And we dated for 5 months!

I agree with everyone else that it's not ok to expose ur child to a new person especially when they are that young. When the relationship has established on a more solid ground than it's ok. But even then there's a possibility of getting the kid hurt when that relationship doesn't work out either.

A friend of myne, dated this one girl for 2 years and he has a child. The kid got attached to this girl and when she was caught cheating on my friend and broke up, the child took it hard. But such is life I guess. Kids at a very young age probably don't know wats going on as opposed to a child whose 6 and up!

Just a thought. But if ur dating someone new, NO u shouldn't bring that person home and around the child. Wait till ur relationship is more stable and promising.
 darkmascara
Joined: 1/26/2013
Msg: 19
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 6:29:58 AM
What’s most likely to happen is you’ll follow the timehonored single mom tradition of dating a guy, all the while
keeping him as far away from your home life as possible partly because you want to get clarity on the relationship and the direction in which it’s moving, partly because you don’t want to introduce your kids to any man unless you’re absolutely, 100 % sure that he’s in it for the long haul. Once you’ve convinced yourself there’s long-term potential with the guy in question, then you invite him home to meet the kids.Stop right thereeeeeeeeeeeee.

I’m here to tell you that you’re going about this all the way wrong. You can’t become emotionally attached to this man and make some kind of verbal or, especially, physical commitment to him, and then finally drag him to the house only to find out he doesn’t like your kids, and your kids don’t like him. You’ve gone and got this guy all hot and bothered thinking you’re some sexy vixen who’s fun and interesting and wild and willing and able to swing from chandeliers, and once you walk into your living room, he’s tripping over Tonka trucks and mashing crayons into the carpet while your kids are begging for potato chips, crying loudly, and telling you the baby’s diaper needs changing? This is not a good situation. In fact, the introduction is late much too late.

Some men needs to be able to see what all he’s going to be responsible for up front; if he sees you in the role as a mother, he’s going to immediately try to figure out if he sees himself in the role as a father. He’s going to evaluate if he can afford those children, if he wants to be bothered with the drama that come when a baby’s daddy is likely lurking in the background, whether he can handle any animosity that might come his way when the kids get wind of him, and, finally, if he wants to play second fiddle to the children, whose needs you surely will meet many moons before his all of these things and then some will be taken into account. And if you hold back key information he needs to assess his potential life together with you, and pop it on him when he’s not expecting it, he’s not going to receive the information well plain and simple. In fact, he’s likely to think he was duped, duped into thinking he had one woman, when Besides that, the longer you hold off introducing him to the kids, the more he’s going to think there’s something wrong with them that you’re hiding the kids for a reason. And that will only make him more apprehensive about that initial meeting; in his mind, you will have elevated the get-together to the level of a G8 summit, giving the introduction way more power than it needs or deserves. He’s meeting the kids, for goodness’
sake


A guy wants to see that the potential mother of his children is at least decent at it, that she can be kind, compassionate, creative, and stern. He wants to see that you can handle matters without unraveling that the stress that comes with marriage and family is something you can handle with decent skill because the one thing men know is that marriage and family equals stress. When he sees you with your children nurturing them, feeding them, and keeping all of their needs satisfied, you’re showing him not only that you’re a good mother to your own children, but that you’re potential mother material for any children he already has, and any babies you two might make together.. More important, you should introduce the kids to the man you’re dating so that you can see him in a fatherly capacity.

Sure, how your kids feel about this guy should count for something, too. Children have an uncanny ability to pick up on when human beings mean them well or harm; if they’re younger, they have no ulterior motives about not liking someone, especially if you introduce him as “my friend Mr. So-and-So,” just like you would any female friend of yours. however, know, too, that if your child’s father is in your kid’s life, your child may not necessarily have the most warm and fuzzy feelings about the new guy and that’s natural. MEn who genuinely wants to be in your life will try to be a part of your teenager’s life he won’t be deterred. He’s expecting that a teenager will be a jerk to him. What he’ll try to determine is whether the jerkiness is an act to be mean, or if that’s truly who this kid is.

I’m not talking about bringing everybody to the house. I’m talking about the guy that you think might be serious
about you. And don’t worry about whether he’s going to think you’re trying to trap him or you’re just looking for some sucker to take up where your kids’ daddy failed. If you really want a good man in your life, if you’ve asked God
to give you a family, you’ve got to stop all this foolishness and introduce this man to your kids so you can figure him out.
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 20
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 6:30:30 AM
No one should be bringing random people around a small child ever. You know nothing about this person. They could be a pedophile for all you know. And I'd question anyone's judgment who's only been separated for two weeks and is already hooking up with random people.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 21
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 6:33:09 AM

Do you think it is ok for mommy or daddy to bring other women that he just met around the baby if the other parent has asked that you not bring the people that you are randomly hooking up with around the child?

Amazing... three separate people have failed here....

First, one parent doesn't necessarily have the right to dictate what the other parent does.
Second, the other parent should be careful about who he/she brings around a small child and
Finally, the third party should object to meeting a small child very early in the relationship..
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 22
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 6:53:54 AM

Just like a politician. "Oh no, it's not about me getting power and control...it's for the children."

I agree.

why do we insist on hiding the simplest things from children then wondering why they are so naive when they grow up

One of the things we hide from children is our sexuality. I believe it is sexual shame in the parent that gives rise to this claim that a child meeting their date would somehow ‘confuse the child’.

That’s an adult-centred point of view. A young child isn’t likely to know the difference between their parents’ lover and their friend if they don’t observe sexualized behavior between the adults. And surely we introduce our children to our friends all the time.
 12thour
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 23
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 2:52:46 PM
it doesn't matter to me how old the child is...he/she can be 12 and I still wouldn't agree to bring someone you were dating around them.

the only time you should involve anyone in your family is when you are serious about bringing that person into the folds of your life.

chidren grow attached eaasily and it is cruel to let them become involved with someone you are just hanging/ banging with.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 24
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 2:56:06 PM

At the age of 2 youve potentially got a child that thinks the man that comes round all the time is his dad and the man they see every other weekend is???? his dad??? then one of the men disappears and why was that, did the child do something wrong?

Exactly. Very young children can quickly become attached to ANY adult role models brought into their lives. Having them simply "disappear" at some point can be traumatic as small children find security in stability.
 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Is it ok to bring new people around kids
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:26:38 PM
This is definitely something people get very emotional about. I can say I was aound people my parents dated as a child. My dad dated more than my mom but they both did. It never bothered me. I was always meeting different people in different situations.

I don't think I would invest 6 months with a girl and she keeps me away from here kids. For one it would show me she doesn't trust me. It would make it seem like she had something to hide. Last I want to know how she handles her kids. I am not going to wait 6 months to find out someone treats their kids like shit screaming and splaping them or some crap like that to go well nice meeting your kids but I think you are a horrible parent see ya! That just doesn't make sense to me.

I know this will freak people out for sure but my dad took me to bars as a kid. I never once burst into flames lol
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