Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Serial Monogamy versus marriage      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 2
Serial Monogamy versus marriagePage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Married 3x here. I think I'm a great catch but I'm honest and this is the most embarrassing thing to admit to someone. Would I marry again? Sure, with a pre-nup. I'm the jaded guy that lost something in each marriage. I owned part of the failure of each marriage. I'm not here to bash wives or women.

If I'm serious about a woman, then I would ask to live together and that's it. I don't know, then again, if I loved her enough to want to live with her, I would probably make the same mistake I made 3x.....I would ask her to marry me because I was insecure.

Back to your question, I don't think marriage is fading away per se. I think older people such as myself now maturely realize that not being in an institution such as marriage is ok.

Who wants to be institutionalized?
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 4
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/7/2013 8:06:15 PM
What exactly IS seriel monogamy? I've never heard the term before. Sounds like an oxymoron.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 5
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/7/2013 8:17:24 PM
You should google this, "divorce rate decreasing".

But I agree, what is seriel monogamy? How often can I switch, how long do we have to date, can I switch from woman A to woman B back to woman A. Really, is seriel monogamy any different than dating several people?

I don't mind being married, and if I am not married I rather enjoy meeting and dating different sorts of woman. Call it what you want.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 6
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/7/2013 8:27:36 PM
Op,fergeddabout the marriage crap.
Who needs it? (Says *me* who's NEVER seen the point of marriage!)


If you find someone who makes your heart sing,that's all you need,fullstop!
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 7
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/7/2013 8:37:37 PM
As a child, I once declared that I would never marry but would take lovers from time to time, and stay with them as long as I felt there was something to be learned in it. Though I have re-thought marriage since, and began to find the idea downright appealing in my thirties, that has proved prescient.

Lately I've been pondering the matter as well, having made a disastrous choice of significant other that's caused me to re-evaluate everything I've done in this area of my life, pretty much, well, ever.

My tentative conclusion so far is that it is more a matter of temperament than anything else. Evidently my seven- or eight-year-old self knew the future me better than could reasonably be expected!

In my opinion the societal sea change allowing serial monogamy to be socially acceptable will not in any way slow down the institution of marriage, but it might preclude, or at least render unnecessary, some of the more unhappy unions.
 vnufall
Joined: 3/6/2011
Msg: 8
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/7/2013 8:53:26 PM
It seems like the longer I'm divorced, the more I like it. The thing is tho, that if I become a campanion to a partner, than after awhile i want more committment, and that means marriage. Will it happen again for me....probably not. I guess i will be in"serial monogamy"....lol.
 The_Whole_of_the_Moon
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 10
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/7/2013 9:57:31 PM

Here is several definitions of serial monogamy per Urban Dictionary:

Oh I get it now what you're talking about is monogamy just like it says in a real dictionary. Merriam-Webster's dictionary for example.

3 : the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time.
 AmazonCanadian
Joined: 11/13/2011
Msg: 11
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/7/2013 11:07:28 PM
I've been married three times and would probably not have married at all if I had not come from a strict religious tradition. I was taught that sex should be "serious" and if I were going to have sex, then I should be married. I have come to realize that I greatly prefer independence to partnership and while I never lack for attention from the opposite sex -- even at 48 -- I have no real desire to blend or merge my life with anyone else's. I realize that I am probably more independent than most, so I doubt that this trend will take hold on a wide scale, but it works for me. I remember as a child that my fantasies about my future included men only peripherally. They were friends and lovers but never providers or partners. My child-self apparently knew me better than I thought she did because I have come full circle and arrived back to the same conclusions in midlife. I can only speak for myself and I have seen very happy marriages. My parents were married 47 years before my dad passed away. My brother is coming up on 30 with his college sweetheart. Both marriages have been happy from all observations. I think it very much depends on the personalities and the temperaments of the people involved. Having choices and options is a beautiful thing and we should be affirmed for whatever choices we make in our efforts to be true to ourselves.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 12
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/7/2013 11:25:26 PM

I remember as a child that my fantasies about my future included men only peripherally. They were friends and lovers but never providers or partners.

This, same here. Hence the temperament conclusion. Or do I mean disposition?

Or even, perhaps, orientation? Maybe...

My parents were also happily married 'til death parted them.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 1:23:24 AM
I find that neither marriage (due to the government-permission crap), nor the idea of "serial monogamy" appeals to me.

The "serial" in the S.M. idea is what puts me off. The thought that "I'll stick around as long as she pleases me, and then discard her when she doesn't" sounds callous and meaningless. Frankly, it sounds like a clever cover-name for "I'm going to refuse to care deeply about anyone, in order to minimize my emotional investment and potential losses."

Bleah!!
 russell5417
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 14
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 2:12:22 AM
I don't care about getting married again..................I guess I've been single too long . I am monogamous whenever in any type of relationship though.......more than one relationship at a time is just too damn complicated and mind/energy comsuming.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 15
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:08:19 AM
I understand your distaste for the expression, Igor, and, I'm inferring, just for being labeled period, but things are what they are... while I love the idea of permanence with someone, or at least I like to think I love it, my history is inarguably that of a serial monogamist.

This does not mean I have not loved deeply! Oh my yes. This pattern is not indicative of a lack of feeling.
 FairOaksChick
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 16
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:40:05 AM

...for myself the only truly fulfilling romantic relationship is to be found within marriage. I was very happy being a husband, and the demise of my marriage pained me greatly. My purpose in dating is to find a life partner who believes as I do. For me, the only two relationship options are 1) courtship leading to marriage; 2) the friend zone. I have no interest whatever in serial monogamy, and in fact have turned down several overtures of that kind. Regarding the OP's question about the future of marriage as an institution, I don't see it fading away exactly, however......what I forsee is a continually widening gap between traditionalists (such as myself) and what I guess I'll call modernists. The traditionalists probably will become somewhat like the Amish in relation to the rest of North American society, only on a much vaster scale numerically.


This is my stance as well. The meaning of traditional marriage is continually being whittled away and I think that is sad for the future. I don't want to make this topic political, but I do have great concern about certain social trends and what that means for our kids and thus, our future as a society.

So, I would never date anyone who has no interest in getting married, I will not sign a pre-nup, and I will never cohabitate with anyone I am dating. Whenever one of these issues is ignored, commitment is no longer paramount and it needs to be. When it comes to a couple, NOTHING is more important than the concept of commitment.
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 17
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:48:38 AM
Fairoaks, I respect your perspective, but why does commitment have to be in the form of a marriage? That sounds like a trust issue perhaps? I know I proposed marriage 3x and the biggest motivator for me was never them asking me, it was me being insecure and wanting to get her 'off the market'. Do you think maybe that your view is motivated by insecurity? I know I was and I won't make that mistake again. If I do marry again, it will be because I love her and she is ok with being #4.
 FairOaksChick
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 18
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 9:21:46 AM
Nope TJ, not based on insecurity. As I alluded to, I have a profound respect for the traditional meaning of marriage and what it means for our society as a whole.
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 19
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 9:27:37 AM
Well if you are going to have kids, you need to get married.

I think the heart and spirit of marriage is monogamy - so I believe monogamy is very good and acceptable. And this is coming from a Christian with very high values and morals.

Additionally, I do believe we were designed by God to have one mate for life, and I think we should at least strive for our relationship to be our last.
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 20
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 9:43:14 AM

What exactly IS seriel monogamy? I've never heard the term before. Sounds like an oxymoron.


+1 ...



Well if you are going to have kids, you need to get married.


^^^ This may be the only reason I would ever consider marriage. Ironically, given the fact that I only have a dwindling amount of (healthy) yrs left to breed any offsprings, I don't think marriage would ever be in the works for me.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 21
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 9:43:25 AM

Maybe those who have been married before and over a certain age prefer serial monogamy over marriage?

Some time back I was on a date with a beautiful woman .. we had a great time and seemed to have a lot in common. Then she said "I will never live with a man again... I want a relationship but I want to always have my own place and my own life".

I gave a lot of thought to that .... and decided that wasn't for me at all. I seriously do believe in the idea of a single partner life and the idea of marriage. It may never happen again.. but I do like the concept.
 lostinalostworld
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 22
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 9:46:14 AM
So commitment must equal marriage? Okay, got it, but then that equal sign has to mean marriage equals commitment. And most people here are proof that it doesn't, or around half the population. Alrighty then, lol.
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 9:49:33 AM
I don't understand why you have to make rules....each relationship is different. How can you make a future goal with someone else. I can see making personal goals, but when you add another human being how can you expect a specific outcome. It just goes how it goes.
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 24
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 9:59:57 AM
.

Some time back I was on a date with a beautiful woman .. we had a great time and seemed to have a lot in common. Then she said "I will never live with a man again... I want a relationship but I want to always have my own place and my own life".



Some married people don't live together. It is perfectly acceptable for married people to live in separate homes. While this may be on the outskirts of healthy, and is certainly not right for everybody (this would not be good for children), it's still within the bounds of a healthy relationship. Your pretty lady friend was okay (on this point).

In fact, I recommend that even people living together have a healthy amount of space - shoehorning a couple of people together and making them live together too close, constantly, can be work - it takes more work to relate to another almost constantly - so a certain amount of space can be very healthy in many cases. I recommend a man spend lot's of time in a home office, the garage, or other "man cave"... you two can see each other any time and plenty.

Furthermore, some couples only meet once a week for a date. Again, this is on the outskirts and not for everybody, but can work very well for some couples.

At it's core, a good relationship is a monogamous one, a friendship on fire with romance and affection, and a continuing series of worthwhile dates. See a a healthy relationship for what it truly is and open your mind to the possibilities.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 25
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 10:29:24 AM

Well if you are going to have kids, you need to get married.


I'm assuming the reason for this "rule" is because it's believed kids are a lot better off being raised in a two-parent home. Using that reasoning, this means people with kids should not be allowed to divorce because a single parent home is bad for the kids. Parents divorcing is akin to child abuse. Try convincing a parent of that who can't tolerate living with their "once perfect" partner. There are just as many kids living in a broken marriage/single parent home as kids living in a two parent home. So what happened to that rule of needing to be married if you have kids?
 StrykinOut
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 26
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 10:47:07 AM
I opt for marriage, but to each his/her own.
 FairOaksChick
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 27
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 10:47:36 AM
In the case of divorce, kids can be just fine as long as Mommy and Daddy no longer fight and as long as the kids have regular ongoing contact with both parents. While a healthy traditional marriage is the optimal environment to raise a child, when a marriage dissolves a single parent home - where the above two factors are in play - helps a lot in minimizing any negative effects of divorce on the child's well-being.
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 28
Serial Monogamy versus marriage
Posted: 2/8/2013 10:52:23 AM
Yes, that's a big part of the reason people that want to have children should get married. You also don't want **stard kids that don't have the proper last name of the father.

What's needed is more education about relationships so that people can make a better go of things.

The kids need role models, they need to see what a healthy couple in love looks like so they know what to do themselves someday... we primarily learn by example. Sometimes they can watch another kids' parents and learn that way, but that's iffy, and is not always available to them.

No, a divorced couple is not optimum, in the least. Better than nothing I guess, but not much better.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Serial Monogamy versus marriage