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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?      Home login  
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 curviest
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 1
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I am 54. This morning, my third date with a man from this site (age 48) began with an arrangement to meet at my house at 8.30am, the time I'd booked us a cab to take us to the pool for a swim and sauna.

I go swimming a lot and I know exactly how long it takes me to get dressed, packed and ready: 20 minutes. So I lay in bed replying to emails on my laptop till 0810. Except the doorbell rang at 0800. I assumed it was the postman. As I'm in a big house I had to quickly pull on my swimsuit and a kaftan, grab my clothes in a bundle and dash downstairs before he gave up and left. To my astonishment, it was my date, half an hour early.

Although I pointed this out he did not apologise, he just issued a stream of sentences beginning with the words "You ought...." He said I ought to have been out of bed before 8, and in fact dressed and ready to go by 8. He kept on haranguing me in this way despite my repeatedly reminding him that, as he knew, the cab was booked for 8.30. I offered him a seat to wait for me to get ready. Because of his constant talking I could not think straight to collect all my little bits and pieces together than I needed, and I asked if he could just "give me a few minutes" to collect my thoughts and pack my bag, whereupon he started saying that I "ought" to have packed it up the night before ... blah blah. When I objected to his barrage of criticism he told me to take a chill pill. I replied that it wasn't pills I needed but someone with the manners not to turn up half an hour early then complain that I was not ready. With that, he stormed out.

Am I just too old fashioned in my expectations of good manners?
 Bogie_Bacall474
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 2
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 2:51:51 PM
You need to lighten up. Many women on here bytch about the smallest things...he doesn't call, he only texts, he always phones, he's always late, he's always early, red flags, blah, blah, blah. In a perfect world we'd all look like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, have the manners of Emily Post and cook and clean house like Martha Stewart. None of us are perfect and we can't expect everyone to have all our little nit-picky things figured out by the second or third date.

Hell, you're lucky he showed up at all.
 curviest
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 3
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 2:56:43 PM
Well bogie clearly you are happy for a man you barely know to barge into your house when he feels like it and spend half an hour haraguing and criticising you, but I am not. So, no, I am not lucky he showed up. I really wish he had not. The only thing I am thankful for is that I found out his bullying nature before I wasted any more of my precious life with him.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 4
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 3:05:07 PM
I don't think it was so much about manners.

You are a planner and need order, he is impulsive. Half an hour early doesn't sound like a big deal to me, but he should just taken the seat and waited. It sound like the two of you have had a lot longer relationship than just the third date.
 aussiesealady
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 5
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 3:08:03 PM
Curviest - you look fabulous in that new photo.

Your hair, make up and clothing really suit you.

As to the man.
1. I think you are game to have him turn up at your home to go for a swim - I would probably have met him at the pool expecially if you both were going to catch a taxi

2. Yes I think he was rude and you are lucky that he left. Think about what most of us do it we arrive early - apologise and sit down have a cuppa whilst the other person races around to get ready.

He sounds like a organisational and control freak.
Great if your life needs organisation - Everything would happen with miltiary precison.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 6
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 3:12:09 PM

Am I just too old fashioned in my expectations of good manners?

This is one of those times when I think you both are wrong. You should have expected him to be early. If the cab is arriving at 8:30, I would have almost certainly have been there no later than 8:15 as being late would be worse.

Now, having arrived early and noticing you weren't ready, I would have certainly said I was sorry for being so early and would have waited patiently while you got ready to go. However, it seems to me that you were "flustered" by the whole thing and added to the drama of the morning.
 shylovedave
Joined: 4/10/2012
Msg: 7
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 3:13:00 PM
It would have been respectful of him to not lecture you on how to live, and accepted that he made an error then go find some coffee for ten to fifteen minutes then return. Some folks don't like people being late which is respectful and sometimes end up being early. It was probably a mistake to ask him to be there before you could devote your attention to him unless he could be of some help in getting ready. Not everyone is willing to go somewhere to wait, especially if they want to do something worthwhile like getting to know you.
 Bogie_Bacall474
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 8
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 3:16:31 PM
"Well bogie clearly you are happy for a man you barely know to barge into your house when he feels like it..."

Well, first off, YOU let him in. Secondly, I wouldn't have had him come to my home if I'd only met him twice, I'd have met him at what ever venue we were attending. I don't like or allow virtual strangers in my home. The vast majority of men I've dated don't even know my last name by date 3 let alone where I live.

And you missed my point - some people bytch about every detail regarding their date or potential date. I wasn't dumping on you per se; just the general drift of more than half of the posts on these forums. And some folks thrive on the drama or just make shyt up to make themselves look better and the date look like craype.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 9
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 3:23:46 PM
OP.. this seems trivial , couldn't you just asked the gentleman to call ahead if he's going to be early , next time ?
I think he would have got the message , Starting out with such a poor attitude , your day was going to be ruined anyway
 curviest
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 10
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 3:24:17 PM
"OP.. this seems trivial , couldn't you just asked the gentleman to call ahead if he's going to be early , next time ?"

ALSO

" If the cab is arriving at 8:30, I would have almost certainly have been there no later than 8:15 as being late would be worse."

ALSO edited to include

"Did you expect him to wait in his car or stand outside until 8:30 came? To drive up at that exact moment, just as the cab did?"

Whoops, manay apologies... perhaps I should have said, although we met on here, this man lives almost opposite my house. 20 seconds walk away. Neither of us has a car. (Sorry, I didn't think this was relevant to my story, but perhaps it is).

He knew where I lived because at the end of our first date we shared a cab back and it emerged that we lived just a few metres from each other.

Had we arranged for me to meet at his house to wait for the cab, I would not have turned up half an hour early without checking by phone that he was happy with this. I would expect that anyone going out at 0830 would be extremely busy from 8am to 8.30am and would not wish to get in their way.

 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 11
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 3:28:02 PM
I think that manners could improve for both of you. It is perhaps a bit unrealistic to expect a person to arrive exactly at 8:30. Planning ahead, you could have suggested that he arrive at about 8:20, and you would then have planned to be ready to greet him. He might still have arrived earlier than you expected, and his behavior--when it was obvious you weren't ready for him--was definitely rude, too.

I'm not clear on why you would expect him not to have arrived at least a little bit early. Did you expect him to wait in his car or stand outside until 8:30 came? To drive up at that exact moment, just as the cab did? I'm wondering if you and he had totally different ideas of what it meant when it was agreed the cab would be called to arrive at 8:30. Of course, while he might have been surprised to find you in (relative) disarray, he clearly had no right to tell you how to arrange your life.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 12
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 3:28:56 PM
OP, not sure why you want opinions on this self centered, rude, obnoxious guy. The "ought to's" should have been a warning if it wasn't that very second. Hang around with this guy and you will see more "things" that probably are not going to be good.
 _babblefish
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 13
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 3:29:45 PM
30 minutes early isn't a huge breach of anything, especially good manners, your exacting timetable as you loll in bed works for you yeah? not necessarily everyone else

..many descriptors for you come to mind . .being old fashioned isnt one of them



I certainly don't thrive on drama


k, but creating isn't always thriving on
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 14
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 3:35:49 PM
His turning up too early was a bit thoughtless but not nearly as bad as his need to harangue you and beat you with the "oughts". When he saw that he had flustered you, he should have either apologized and gone home until the appointed time, or sat quietly without further disturbing you so that you could have gotten ready in peace.

I don't think your statement was out of line, given his rude behavior. At least you found out what he's like before you got too far into a relationship.
 forumitejunkie
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 15
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 3:57:16 PM
Someone arriving early (if as you said, the arrangement was to meet at your house at 8:30) wouldn't blow my mind much, and I would have simply done a greeting with a smile and said something like "Oh my, you're a bit early and I'm not quite ready. Take a chair and I'll be right with you." I'm not sure if you responded that way, or by sounding upset that he was early....

Either way, however, for him to (unless it was ever so clearly being said in a JOKING manner) start telling me what I OUGHT to have done? No....not acceptable to me at all. I'm very fond of humor to diffuse situations, so chances are I'd have responded with "Hey, my complaint dept is closed for the day." If he didn't take a hint, or storm off...well, good bye and good riddance.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 16
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Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 4:04:07 PM
I detect some more than subtle differences between mannerisms, between the US and the UK on this subject
 12thour
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 17
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 4:09:42 PM
before this happened...was he a good man?

Did you enjoy being in his company?

I am just thinking there are things that are REALLY important and things that are not.

Is your time important??? YES MAM! If he had not shown up then it was a waste of your time.

My how this could have been so much more fun had you not been so offended. What a waste of HIS time.





I am not lucky he showed up. I really wish he had not. The only thing I am thankful for is that I found out his bullying nature before I wasted any more of my precious life with him.


Actually, the way you wrote this, you come across as the only bully in this situation. If anything he probably was haranguing you for criticizing him. I can just imagine the look on his face as you were belittling him as if he were a child who did something wrong. That man probably went away thankful he dodged a big ole mean, time ridden, strict bullet to the head.

You know...we are all here looking for partners in life...someone we can feel as if we are one with. Would you be mad at yourself if you arrived early? How would you treat yourself in this situation?

People who complain about a man giving them attention, showing up, being present in your life......good grief....there is no hope for some thought processes.
 WQ12
Joined: 1/14/2013
Msg: 18
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 5:11:46 PM
Even grown ups get upset when they don't get their own way. Just laugh it off OP ... and set up another swim meet. This time when he shows up at 8:30, tell him you were waiting for him since 8. :-)


To my astonishment, it was my date, half an hour early.

Although I pointed this out he did not apologize


It was only the third date, it takes more than that before men learn, it's better to just say sorry and not mean it ... then argue about it.
 flocal
Joined: 12/20/2007
Msg: 19
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 5:56:09 PM
Of course you are not wrong to expect good manners. However, I believe so many younger women do NOT expect it and even find it a bit old-fashioned in a slightly negative way. And so men, at least this man, has to think twice about how insistent to be regarding opening doors or rising at a atable when a womman rises. On the other hand, arriving very early or late rather than on time to me is a lack of common sense as much as a lack of manners.
 Deepseaceecee
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 20
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 6:44:08 PM
I wonder why you booked a cab for you both to go to the pool. He doesnt drive??? Red flag right there. You are missing nothing. It was bad mannered of him. As it was the third date perhaps he wanted to catch you in bed, if you get my drift.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 21
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:13:54 PM
I would never think of going swimming and a sauna on the first date anyway,


She said it was the "third" date.

OP, you were both somewhat in the wrong.
Some people show up early, some people show up on time, some people show up late.

While he did show up TOO early considering your proximity to each other, it sounds like you like to leave things to the very last minute, which sets up a conflict possibility with those who are early, and also puts you at risk for last minute snags that may make you actually late for something.
He was definitely in the wrong for criticizing every detail of your methods with his "oughts" rather than just saying he would wait outside for you. If he IS the type to show up early all the time, he should have some kind of reading material or something to amuse himself while he has to wait for those who are not as much of an earlybird as he is.
Good manners are indeed called for on all sides.
 Happy_gal2013
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 22
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 10:02:03 PM
I would be unhappy if my date was late or a no show. Which often happens on POF. He should have called you to see if it was ok with you that he stopped in a little early. When he started being rude with you. I would have told him to take a hike. No date is worth that. His loss. Remember pof is full of wonderful men.
 Ochema
Joined: 1/12/2013
Msg: 23
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 10:49:28 PM
Who the fuk ever heard of the word haraguing?
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 24
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/8/2013 11:58:58 PM
Showing up early, when it's at your house, is the worst. So much more rude than late - early shows no concern for your autonomy. If I arrive early to meet at a friend's house, I just take a walk or do something else, anything else, until the appointed time. If we're close or it's bad weather I might call or text to ask if it's okay to come early, and I would expect a yes, but I wouldn't just assume.

That said, this could have been prevented. It does appear that there was no clear plan in place.

ETA for Ochema, "haranguing" is not an exotic word.
 THEMEPACK
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 25
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/9/2013 2:55:25 AM
I'm very sarcastic....I would have said...can you make me a coffee while I'm waiting...
or at least you could have said...you are early would you like a coffee while you wait.
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