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 Emilyjoh
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 1
Meeting My Kids...Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I have two kids, I am very up front about it...and I am also very upfront (if I go on several dates with someone) that meeting them won't happen for a long time. I have single friends and over the years I have watched them (men and women) prance boyfriends/girlfriends in and out of their kids lives. I have 50/50 custody with my ex, so one week I am "free" three nights and the next week four.

The longest I have dated someone has been three months, he did not meet my kids. I don't think it is unreasonable to want to wait until I know whatever relationship I am is long-term. Granted, it's always a gamble...


How long is too long to make someone wait to meet your children? I really think I would not feel comfortable with until after I've been with someone for six months or more. As cheesy as it sounds, I want the first b/f my kids meet to be the first, last and only...
 Peter_Hungus
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 2
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/11/2013 5:50:21 PM
I agree 6 months sounds reasonable. I must add it is very refreshing to see people "make thier own way" while juggling raising kids. It's good for the kids only seeing someone involved with mommy (or daddy) that's serious and it shows the boyfriend that woman he is with isn't trying to "Buy a Dad".




I have single friends and over the years I have watched them (men and women) prance boyfriends/girlfriends in and out of their kids lives. I have 50/50 custody with my ex, so one week I am "free" three nights and the next week four.


I have not just observed but expierenced it personally. With picking poor partners to reproduce becoming more frequent, it seems the non-custodial parent has little or no involement in the kids lives ( custodial parent has the
kids 24/7). With that being said I think some people inadvertently have the kids introduced to the "date" just because of time constraints. Also being said, seems they feel the kids "need a dad" and or they need economic assistence and they are trying to expedite the dating process to get a live-in situation to aliveate at that.

Edit: This goes both ways (gender) I am sure but I don't date guys so I cannot speak for single Dads lol.
 Emilyjoh
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 3
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/11/2013 6:08:32 PM
I feel very lucky that I am not looking for a "daddy" for my kids--they have one and while we aren't married anymore, he is an amazing dad. I am looking for someone that I care deeply for who can not only love my kids but respect the fact that he isn't in my life to be a replacement Dad...but to be one more person who loves my kids a lot :)

I also feel incredibly lucky that I don't need help financially...I provide for myself and my kids without child support. Opportunity and preparation met...at any rate, thanks Peter :)
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 4
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/11/2013 9:08:07 PM
Well.. I did something totally out of character and my guy met my son after only like a month or 6 weeks. I've enver done that so soon before, but this guy is different.. idk.. it felt right.. I did preempted my guy. My son *is* looking for a step dad. and expects any man I am with for the long term to fullfill that role. He could have left after hearing that, but he didn't and he's still here. I am not looking for him to be anything but nice and respectful towards my son, my son however wants someone to take him hunting and teach him about cars and do all that guy stuff with, cause mom just doesn't' cut it.

Prior to this I think I would have been somewhere been 3 and 6 months. I was with my last guy for 5 years, so I guess I don't really remember how long before they met. But most of the ones before him never met my son, or only did so in passing.. (like at the door when he picked me up)

I will say not to hide that you are dating from your children. I never hid it from my son. He'd know that mommy is on a date with a man she likes. I also never had the luxury of child free weekends, unless he was having a sleep over somewhere. So it's a little different in that respect.

If you want the first guy your kids to meet be the last one, than you'll probably have to wait for a ring to do introductions and even that is no guarantee anymore..
 Emilyjoh
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 5
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/12/2013 6:45:07 AM
I don't hide that I date from my kids but since I only have them three days one week and four the next, I never go out when I do have them..it's our time together. So, they don't know that I date because I don't think there is a need to tell them (and they are young: 7 & 3).

I realize that it's always a gamble but I guess I figure a guy who has hung around for six months will probably (not always) be around long term...life is just one big gamble most of the time, just have to make the best decisions we can :)
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 6
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/12/2013 1:39:31 PM
I didn’t want my son to grow up thinking that he had to stay with the first person he ever dated. Or that there was something wrong with the people I dated for a while or the relationships I had that didn’t last, including my relationship with his mother.

I certainly didn’t want him to think that my friends were Ok for him to meet but somehow the people I dated were not. Or that any of them, friends or dates, would be around forever.

I didn’t want to be secretive about my dating life and I hoped he wouldn’t be secretive with me about his. I felt it was important to establish that basis of respect from day one and I’m glad I did.

I tried to teach him about sex in an age appropriate way. If he asked me about my life, I responded in a way that respected my own need for privacy and his need to hear the truth and my need to tell it. Those boundaries changed as he grew and matured.

I think parenting, sex and religion/philosophy are highly personal matters. The way we conduct ourselves in those areas expresses some of our most deeply held beliefs. So I don’t advocate that other parents follow my example with their own kids. I just encourage parents to keep their kids close and have a loving respectful relationship.

My son is close to me and I like his attitude toward girls, dating, love and sex. So I feel fortunate.
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 7
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/12/2013 4:01:47 PM

As cheesy as it sounds, I want the first b/f my kids meet to be the first, last and only...

And if it's not, you will never ever let another man meet your kids?
I took my daughter to many of my first meets, of course my partner knew about it.
I believe it's good to see how they will get along, just in case something serious comes out of it.
But I also believe it's different when it comes to women. They more ..um..careful about it.
Course this doesn't mean they I am not careful with my daughter, but..it's just different..Can't explain it.
 Emilyjoh
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 8
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/13/2013 8:12:51 AM
I think that it is a little different for women...I am always a little leery when I meet a man, despite always meeting in public. I think that you can't glean a lot about a person's true colors over IM and text but can in face-to-face interactions.

I would never let my kids meet someone the first time I met a guy, that's just me.

Also, to address the issue of if it didn't work out with the first guy who meets my kids would I let another meet them...I try really hard to not let experiences make me jaded or cynical. Our past certainly colors our perception of the future and the here and now...that said, my heart has been broken before and my feeling hurt but I am not a man-hater :) lol
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 9
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/13/2013 4:06:56 PM
I would say six months as well. If people are going to start acting weird they're going to do it around 3 months, that seems to be about as long as people can keep their crazy shit under wraps.

But I don't know that I would wait that long to actually introduce. If you have younger kids who are going to be around bed time when you would be going out it would be perfectly fine to at least do a short introduction at your door before you leave. The first time you do more than that, stick to something like lunch or maybe a movie, something with a defined beginning and end that isn't too long.

It should be at least six months before you really start integrating someone into your life to any degree and if your kids are little you might want to wait longer than that to have oodles of interaction. In your case it shouldn't be a big deal because seeing you 3-4 times a week ought to be just fine and normal.

I think if you totally keep dating from your kids that's wrong too. My ex dated someone for three years before he said anything to my oldest (and only because she was living with him over the summer or they'd probably still not know). The two younger ones still have not met her. They were pissed that he would keep that from them. I think there are logical, natural ways to allow people to get to know each other and sometimes if you just kind of act like the guy or gal is just a new friend, this whole process needn't be a drama-filled experience or anything that will leave lasting scars on the parties involved.
 Jamesin2013
Joined: 9/13/2012
Msg: 10
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/13/2013 7:22:04 PM
i would wait until you are married for at least 5 years before even letting them know you have a desire for men and are in any way attracted to anyone who is not an actor on television or there father ....that way you can be absolutely sure your children will never have to be subjected to meeting anyone that is not going to stay in their lives forever,,because,,as we all know
,,your children are fragile and emotionally and intellectually incapable of understanding any concept that does not have to do with Sesame Street and where in the world Carmen Santiago is hiding at the moment.....the thought of teaching them that people will come and go in their lives is to horrifying to even comprehend and could lead to sever damage in their tiny little minds!

i think people who allow there kids to meet all sorts of different people are just setting them up for a life of discovery and adaptability and no fear of abandonment and if that is the case,, how will you ever convince them to stay with you where it is safe and no one EVER leaves or does not love them and thus you will have what you want and they will be living in your house till they are 50 ....negating your need for 15 cats or a dog you carry around like a third boob as a child placebo ..

i mean really,,,,children are to be protected and taught nothing of how the real world works,,,god forbid you teach them any lessons that they will actually need later in life,,better to pretend that women are all this sacred mother being and in no way actually fallible human beings who have desires and needs and ,,,,omg! make mistakes!

just my thoughts on the subject,,i could be wrong,,,,,,,,,,,,,gotta go,,,mom is calling,
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 11
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/13/2013 8:52:12 PM
it would be perfectly fine to at least do a short introduction at your door before you leave.

I like that idea, and the lunch or movie too. I used to run into single moms in the park or playground (unplanned) and became friends while our kids were running around. Seems like a place where a guy could drop by. Kids can interact as much or little as they like. Pretty much a non-event for them is my guess. No grand announcement. No big impact. If they're curious, they'll ask.
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 12
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/14/2013 3:56:53 AM
Jamesin, I sense a hint of sarcasm in your post...Tisk, tisk..
So you don't think it's a good idea to find out that you really like this girl, after 6 months maybe fall in love, she is everything you wanted, than find out that the kid/s are little monsters?
Oh, I know..That shouldn't matter if you love someone.
To each of hi/her own, but as I said earlier, I want to see how she interact with my daughter.
She should want to see how am I interact with her kid/s.
 IChooseMe
Joined: 2/6/2013
Msg: 13
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:12:08 AM
I waited 6 months to introduce my last boyfriend to my son.
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 14
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:25:44 AM
I don't have an exact length of time that I will make someone wait to meet my kids. I've been out with lots of men, some short term some a bit more but none have met my kids.

When the time is right, I hope to talk to Mr. Wonderful and decide together when we think the time is right. I'm not in a rush for anybody to meet my kids, I haven't figured out the point of introducing a person I am dating to my children. To confuse and scare them? Nah, my kids have been through enough, they don't need to meet anybody I date, because odds are, it won't be too long term anyway.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 15
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/15/2013 2:19:44 PM

18: There are so many people that have convinced themselves they are good with people and they are useless.

Perhaps they lack self-insight? they’re insensitive to the impact they have on others?
 Orionthehunter9
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 16
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/16/2013 1:47:37 AM
I disagree with most here. I think kids can be introduced safely under the guise of friends. I think it is unreasonable to wait six months. I think many people hide their kids because there is something to hide. Behaviour issues, etc. I was told before to wait until there was a relationship. Sure enough, the son was a chronic bed wetter/pants peer at 8, the teenage girl drinks, does drugs, skips school, and is sexually active in grade 8, and the youngest screamed herself hoarse frequently. Sorry, but this approach isn't fair to the other party. It is not to judge another's children to say that you may not be a right fit for a family.

If you aren't a serial dater and don't know how to introduce a potential to your child without scarring them and allowing the child to become attached then I would question your maturity and motives. I think some are just trying to hide their inadequacy as parents as well and would rather not put that on display too early for fear of not being able to seal the deal once the potential partner gets a glimpse of what blended family life will bring.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 17
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/16/2013 7:53:19 AM
I think that's the main point.. Date number 1 or 2 is too soon.. but 6 months in is too long.. My current guy met my son after a month, but I haven't met his kids. It's different too when kids live with you versus only there on weekends. Now you're not only talking about meeting the kids your talking about taking that little bit of time they have with the parent and sharing it with someone new. I think that scenario is where it should take longer to meet the kids. If Johnny is present in everyday life, he's going to notice that mommy/daddy is spending time away from him with someone new. If Johnny is only there every other weekend, then Johnny needs that time with mommy/daddy moreso then mom/dad needs to spend that weekend with new person. It's a delicate balance with that. My son is very good though, well behaved respectful. I won't allow him to behave any other way. My guy has even commented on it. I have cancelled our plans to go out because I grounded my son, and my guy was very impressed. (he was still with me, we just didn't go out) It's all about balance and finding the one who you can handle. When thinking long term you have to think about everything they bring to the table and whether it's something you have to just accept (and then if you can or not) or something you can ask them to change. My guy smokes, he's not gonna quit, so I have to accept it. I do however expect him not to smoke in my home or smoke around me when I'm sick and he respects those requests. It's about a balance. That's all this crap boils down to. Their terror kids might be angels around another person, maybe they just don't like you? It really can be something that simple. I remember my son hated one of my friends and he was so bad for her. I could never figure out why, but we aren't friends anymore and given the last thing I heard about her, it's a good thing. That's exactly it though.. if you're not right for their family then you're not right for them. Count yourself lucky you found out sooner rather then later and move on.
 sjp1969
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 18
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/17/2013 8:25:27 PM
My children are very spread out in age. My four oldest are 15, 18, 20, and 21. I could introduce them fairly early because they are older and they understand a lot about dating. If they met someone and it didn't work out they wouldn't think twice about it. My youngest is five years old. He gets attached to people very easily. He has gotten upset about leaving a friend that he met on the playground at McDonalds or the pool an hour or two earlier. If I introduced him to someone and they spent time together, he would be heart broken if it didn't work out. I would have to be more cautious with him.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 19
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Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/18/2013 12:33:02 PM
So you don't think it's a good idea to find out that you really like this girl, after 6 months maybe fall in love, she is everything you wanted, than find out that the kid/s are little monsters?


At my age I don't expect to move that far into a relationship in less than 6 months. Real Love? Unlikely, so why bother getting the family involved?
I certainly understand your reasoning, and I am not suggesting you hide your kids. But too many single people on here have posted about a break ups involving kids and how hard it was for the adult to move on afterwards. Kids can grow on you.
If you are a non-custodial parent, then I would assume your parenting time is precious. Kids can get resentful of their time being shared or being undoubtably made to feel like a third wheel. Not to mention the Ex drama, when you bring new ladies around their kid. Why take the risks early on?
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 20
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/18/2013 12:41:13 PM
I didn’t want to be secretive about my dating life and I hoped he wouldn’t be secretive with me about his. I felt it was important to establish that basis of respect from day one and I’m glad I did.


Bingo! My father passed when I was 2 yrs old and Mom started dating when I was 4. My brother and I were so into it. We would eavesdrop on her conversations if not allowed to participate. We had no problem understanding the whole concept of dating and that everyone is not always a forever person in your life.

Why any parent would date someone for 6 months and treat their child as if they are so unworthy they can't even be introduced is beyond me. Because that is exactly what the child is thinking, they know dam well you are seeing someone but they are not included. Inclusion is key. Exclusion is damaging to your childs self-esteem and his/her ability to grow and develop proper behavioral skills as well as a healthy emotional state.

Not to mention the lack of respect for the new person you are dating. They need to fall in love with you without even meeting your children? That's the biggest part of your life with lots of dynamics that are potential deal breakers and you string them along too. Basically disrespect all the way around and very poor parenting.
 Emilyjoh
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 21
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/18/2013 2:45:18 PM
I think I should clarify a few things specific to MY situation:

I share custody of my children 50/50--I have them 3 days one week and 4 the next, my kids do not see me going out with anyone and I do not talk to anyone that I am dating when they are around/awake. Not to HIDE anything from them or to protect them from the "big bad world" but because the time I have with them is precious and it is OUR time together.

Also, they are young--7 and 3, they are both very affectionate children and I know that my daughter would attach herself quickly if someone new was introduced into her life. She has experienced friends moving away, parents separating, an Uncle going to jail and a house fire in the span of the last year. At this point, I would prefer not to add any more emotional baggage to her life. She is still having a very difficult time processing her friends moving away and the divorce. Maybe my views will change as she adjusts to the way things are now.

Be rude, sarcastic and cynical all you want--that is fine, some of the less tactful responses have value. That said, I don't see any reason at this juncture in my life to bring my dating life into my children's lives. If I meet someone, maybe casually meeting them after several months is an option...I move cautiously in all my life decisions and am not looking to meet someone and be serious after only a few months (i.e considering living together or marriage). Thus far, in my new-to-dating time it has proven a wise decision to NOT have the men I have dated for more than two months meet my children...because I have only dated two men for longer than that and they obviously didn't last.
 Orionthehunter9
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 22
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/19/2013 5:36:26 PM
Kids have all kinds of behavioural issues at the ages your children are. Just don't fvck with a guys life and introduce them so late that he gets to find out he doesn't fit your family after wasting a year of his life. Again, if you can't innocently introduce children to a potential then your are unimaginative or you are hiding something. I'm betting its the children's behaviour or your parenting that your hiding.
 thislionroars
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 23
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/20/2013 7:35:14 PM
Emily.. I'm such a hardass when it comes to this. My children have a father, I'm not looking to replace him in any way, and my children meeting someone I'm dating doesn't benefit them in anyway, if it ends. I don't even look at time, because it doesn't matter. If things feel like they are moving to us wanting to truely combine lives (engagement, moving in together etc) then I would do the introductions. My ex and I seperated in 2010, and they haven't met anyone I've dated.. and I haven't been single long since we packed up and sold our house.
In my eyes, there is no need to have them meet, get attatched to and care for a person who may be impermanent. In my opinion doing so is incredibly selfish.. at the end of the day your responsibilities lay first and foremost with your children and their wellbeing.
 SunshineHoney87
Joined: 7/1/2012
Msg: 24
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/21/2013 3:50:00 AM
The questions can be answered on a case by case bases. Its all a matter of what you feel is right and what works for you. I have a 2 year old daughter, who I introuduced the last guy I was seeing to her after a few dates. He was so good with her, that my daughter became attached. The guy and I did not last, but she still asks me about him or brings up his name on a daily basis. I do feel bad for introducing him to her. I really thought the relationship was going to work. Clearly, I was wrong. But I did learn a lesson and next time I will take more time before I do so. At the same time I have full custody of my daughter. Her dad takes her every other weekend on Saturday mornings and brings her back Sunday evenings. So I really get 2 nights out of the month to freely go out. Men want more time then that. So thats why I did it. I had a lapse in judgement.
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 25
Meeting My Kids...
Posted: 2/22/2013 10:19:26 AM
^^^I disagree with you sunshinehoney. Your daughter learned that not everyone is a permanent fixture in her life. She will be more prepared for socialization when school starts. As a teenager I had a flourishing babysitting service. Parents called me often to say their kids would ask about me daily for months. Sometimes they would just go out so the kids would spend time with me. All I did was play with the kids and give them lots of hugs and laughter.

Your date was obviously a very loving demonstrative person. Kids want that more than candy.
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