Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Cheating...forgive?      Home login  
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 1
Cheating...forgive?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I started a relationship with a great man. He didn't tell me he was a recovering alcoholic although I thought it was odd that he didn't drink at all but was fine with it. A couple months in he told me he was in rehab to get sober. I accept that. I do not drink hardly at all but hey I went to college... Any ways after six months in he started drinking. He told me.. "No big deal I want to drink now".
Well he turned into a different person. An angry mean person. I tried to tell him but he was in denial. I was about to break up with him because I know I can't change someone and wasn't about to. Before I got a chance he cheated on me with a random girl at the bar when he was wasted. I found out because he told me the minute he woke up next to her and went back into rehab.

My question is should I forgive? He is remorseful. When he cheated I came back on here ready to move on. Now he is working on cleaning himself back up and wants me to be his girlfriend again and promises that it was a mistake. Ugh! What should I do? He has been going to AA everyday for 90 days and it has been 30 days and he promises he won't do that again but he hurt me (maybe more of a blow to my self-esteem than hurt?).

Should I try with him again or move on?
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 2
Posted: 2/13/2013 3:42:48 PM
I love the part where he got wasted and woke up in bed with someone else. The devil/alcohol made him do it. No ownership for his mistake!!!No...Keep moving.

I left and that is when he found a girl to sleep with. He said if I would of stayed he wouldn't of cheated?

That EFFFING PIG blamed you for him sleeping with someone else? Not only is he an alchy but he's an A hole!
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 3
Posted: 2/13/2013 3:44:22 PM
Stay away from alcoholics.
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 4
Posted: 2/13/2013 3:44:36 PM
No. Forgive him if you wish, but do not stay involved with him. He has issues he needs to work out on his own, and you are just looking at a world of hurt.
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 5
Posted: 2/13/2013 3:44:57 PM
No way. He entered into a relationship before his sobriety was solidified and that is a TERRIBLE idea. It may take a long time for sobriety to "take" - years, even - and it may also never happen at all. During that time, the angry mean cheater will keep resurfacing.

I strongly recommend attending a couple of Al-Anon meetings. It'll help you to understand better everything that happened here... and to let go. Also, it'll be helpful with how to avoid this in future with others. Not everyone is necessarily going to tell you they're in recovery.
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 6
Posted: 2/13/2013 3:46:10 PM
That is what my gut is telling me.

Just keep swimming:)

Dating is such a exhausting pain in the ass so I think I may take a breather for awhile.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 7
view profile
Posted: 2/13/2013 3:48:37 PM
No, you should not. In fact if he's really working any kind of program he would know not to be in a relationship until he gets back on his feet and is sober for at least a year. If he's fudging on that, he's lying to you about doing any program. The last thing he needs now is to try to get a relationship together and you sure don't need this using addict. An addict's number 1 talent, using other people and lying. Run.

Also, go now and get STD tests done, then keep getting them done every 3 months for a year before you have sex with anyone else. There's no telling how many others he's been with and drunks picking up other drunks in bars are not at all careful. It's important that you get tested for a whole year to make sure you have not been given anything. Understand, he's been lying to you, you cannot trust that he's not gotten an STD along the way.

Yes, stay totally away, no contact, because that would be enabling him. He has a support system, it's built into the program he claims he's attending. Again, if he is trying to be in a relationship right now, he's lying to you and to his sponsor, etc., he's lying, stop listening to him, stop having contact. This is very important. He's giving you all the fake lines all addicts use. No contact.
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 8
Posted: 2/13/2013 3:51:57 PM
Thanks everyone. I went to some meetings on my own and they said to practice detachment. So, when he got drunk one night I said "ok sweetie, you are drunk I am going home and doing my own thing. Sorry." I left and that is when he found a girl to sleep with. He said if I would of stayed he wouldn't of cheated? I am not a mom or a babysitter. That was kind of the nail in the coffin.

However, now a month later he is so sorry and says he needs me. He needs a good support system to help him get sober. He is guilting me it feels into feeling sorry for him. I honestly think he needs to hit rock bottom and I do not want to be an enabler. The best thing for me to do is avoid him so he can get his shit in order. If I go back to him he will get comfy and start drinking again. The best thing for both of us is to stay away from each other? Right?
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 9
Posted: 2/13/2013 3:56:12 PM
As far as STD's I got tested immediately and my gyne told me the ramifications of having to get tested now every six months she said. I am so angry about that because I have always been safe and I do not believe him that he used protection even though condoms do not protect from herpes. The girl he slept with....not an angel by any means. It infuriates me that I put my life in danger with this man. I trust to well obviously.
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 10
Posted: 2/13/2013 3:57:33 PM
I think you are exactly right. In all my years, I've learned it's best to follow your gut, not your heart.
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 11
Posted: 2/13/2013 4:12:01 PM
That was good thinking, to go to some meetings. And yeah, trying to make you responsible for his drinking and cheating is not the behavior of an adult.

If he's saying he needs a good support system to help him get sober, I don't think there's any concern about him starting to drink again, 'cause it sounds like he still is. So, moot point; but yes, you would be enabling him if you took him back.

The STD concern is the worst. I got cheated on a while ago - not by an alcoholic, just a crazy assgrenade - for, as far as I'm aware, the first time in any relationship, and I'm over the guy now but still have four and a half months to go to be absolutely sure he didn't give me any of the diseases that don't always show up immediately.

It infuriates me that I put my life in danger with this man.

So yeah, I know how you feel, there. I'm not angry about the emotional betrayal anymore, but the risk to my health, perhaps my very life, is unforgivable.
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 12
Posted: 2/13/2013 4:26:34 PM
For some reason, dating alcoholics seems to be a continuing topic on here. I can tell you as someone who had a short relationship with a recovering alcoholic which ended at Christmas, you need to run. And run fast. All they do is trade one addiction for another. It's booze, sex, drugs, food, etc. And recovering addicts of any kind have no moral compass.

A recovering alcoholic can never go back to being a social drinker in my opinion. And while they say they're sorry and won't ever do it again, don't ever believe that. My ex was living in a sober living facility when we met, told me he'd been sober for 3 years and was going to 3-4 meetings a week, and drinking the entire time! He finally got caught and denied it over and over again. I finally found out the truth and ditched his lying ass.

You're young. Please don't waste your time with this loser. He'll eventually suck out your soul and won't give it a second thought. As long as he gets his fix, that's all he cares about. And I promise you, he'll never care about you more than he does that bottle. It will just be a vicious circle of rinse-and-repeat. Trust me. Please.
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 13
Posted: 2/13/2013 4:28:29 PM
Everyone deserves a second chance......but pick your poison! I personally don't do well with recovering addicts of any kind.
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 14
Posted: 2/13/2013 4:30:43 PM
At some point in recovery he will owe amends to those he did harm... In the mean time, meeting are a good choice so is taking to rehab staff. Informed decisions by those qualified to help may be good ones.
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 15
view profile
Posted: 2/13/2013 4:36:40 PM
Move on!!
It is a cycle he will repete, over and over. Sober and great then off the wagon and an ass. Go!
Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 16
Posted: 2/13/2013 4:48:54 PM
People play a lot of games with themselves for certain. I know a lot of alcoholics with a lot of sobriety and they are very good people and probably the most honest you will ever meet -- if they have learned to practice their recovery properly. If they haven't you won't find anyone that can talk a better line of bullshit either LOL. Don't let some sour pusses with bad experiences ruin your opinion of other people though. And you must forgive this man for yourself not for him. That being said, you also need to move on this person is playing games and no where near ready for a relationship ... and since you are asking the question you may not be as well.
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 17
Posted: 2/13/2013 4:54:23 PM
Robert, I may have everything going for me but the pool of my men in my area is not very good. I have tried so many times. Been on hundreds of dates, been picky, but it's rough out there. I live in an area where there are not a lot of people and the men in Chicago do not want to waste their time with a girl that lives an hour away. I live where I live for work and very slim pickings. Most men are married or whatever that are my age. Trust me ..I do not want to settle. Where are the men who are not married with out issues? I go to socials, give everyone a chance...and it just gets exhausting. I think I should just let it be and not try so hard and maybe some wonderful man at wal mart one day will be going for the same kiwi as me and we will look at each other and laugh and that will be the elusive ONE:)

At the same time I do get lonely and what not but he cry me a river build a bridge and get over it right? It just might not be in the cards for me and acceptance is so freeing. I can at least say I tried with this one and he did the ultimate betrayal.
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 18
Posted: 2/13/2013 5:01:00 PM
Not every alcoholic is a candidate for recovery (even if they are in AA).
He has no business pursuing a relationship until he has his own sh!t together.
Move on. Tell him to come around when he has a one year chip, and if you're free, you'll see!
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 19
Posted: 2/13/2013 5:11:02 PM
I am going to say the opposite to what everyone have said here. I think you should get back with him. Why? Isn't that nuts?

Simple. You are second doubting you, and you will always be second doubting yourself. What ever you do, do it with conviction. I don't have a problem with him being an ex alcoholic, or drinking, but hiding behind it to cheat. That means he will always use that as the excuse. Also it's a recurring cycle. He will get back in the bottle, wait a few months, skip, cheat again, promise you the world. ITS A CYCLE. The cycle never ends. Unless it's broken. The think is, that you think that he will change. And what if he does? Maybe the big question plaguing you inside.

You may try it and it won't work out. But then you can give yourself closure. The question is. Are you willing to sacrifice the next 8 month until the cycle repeats itself? It's up to you.
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 20
view profile
Posted: 2/13/2013 5:11:16 PM
He cheats and drinks nice combination. Yeah I think you should build a life with this guy............
Joined: 2/6/2013
Msg: 21
Posted: 2/13/2013 5:25:36 PM
I have recently been cheated on and was in the same "mindset" as you are now. He said he was sorry, said he will change and treat me better. The optimist in me wants to believe him but the realist in me screams that it was his job to protect me from harm yet he was the very person who caused me such pain. He doesn't deserve me......period. Your guy doesn't deserve you either. Simply put, he blew his chance with a beautiful lady like you....what a moron!!!

Alcohol = Free pass?? Hells to the NO!!!
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 22
view profile
Posted: 2/13/2013 5:43:09 PM
An alcoholic that cheats, sounds like one you can introduce to Mom and Dad
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 23
Posted: 2/13/2013 6:02:04 PM
Run as far and as fast as you can. If you forgive him that is what will happen over and over and over.
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 24
Posted: 2/13/2013 6:03:41 PM
We all know how hard it is to fine love again.
Being with a alcoholic, isnt the answer. Expectly, a ANGRY one.
I lived with a man for 7 yrs, he was not a alcoholic, but when he drank, he would become very angry, I would always
get hit when he drank. Talk about walking on egg shell's. He was a pot head, Will we both were. If he didnt have his
pot he would become another person. A very ugly person.
Dont waste your time. Better off alone!!
Best of luck to you!!!
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 25
Posted: 2/13/2013 7:56:59 PM
Did some one hold a gun to his head and make him get drunk (no) .I view unfaithfulness as a condition for automatic termination of a relationship with out any discussion at all . If some one is a cheater then they are probably a liar as well , those two go hand in hand .
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Cheating...forgive?