Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Torn need advice      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 soulsearcher012
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 1
view profile
History
Torn need advicePage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Ok,
I have an 8 year old son who lives with his mom in PA. I live in NNJ.
My ex and I are good friends in fact better now than when we were together.
I get along great with her and her husband he's a great guy and a good step dad.
Here is my dilemma .

He was recently offered a promotion with his job the problem for me is they have to relocate to Florida.
my ex told him that I wouldn't give them a problem BEFORE she even spoke to me about it.
When she told me I said (nicely) I can't agree to that I'll hardly ever get to see our son.
Because of the way custody is structured she can't move him out of state without my consent.
In fact when she moved to PA from NJ she needed my consent.
my son and I have an awesome relationship and I don't ever want that to change.

I also don't want to ruin the chance for this guy to advance in his career and make a better life for his family
he has 2 other children but his previous wife passed away so has no issue with just up and moving.
now my ex has turned into a beast ! and won't even answer the phone when I call.
I need some advice I don't want to ruin the chance for hem to have a better life
but I also don't know how I will be able to have the time that my son and I need
any advice would be great.
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 6:09:36 AM
You need to not become problem for the new family unit.... you/they will have to negotiate a modified visitation plan is all.... don't ever stand in the way of the stability and happiness of your ex.... that will eventually contaminate your son's life and mind... you can call/ skype your son daily....you will be perceived as a malicious obstacle to other's happiness forever.... is it worth that cost???... your son will not forget you at all... in fact he may desire to be with you all the more....
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 3
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 6:13:47 AM
As you can see, things are always sticky when a child is involved and things have already begun to turn ugly. It is likely that your ex will file a motion for re-location in court and you will have to go through the entire ugly process all over again. There is a chance that since she is remarried and there is a job involved that the motion will be granted. As with all such things, compromise is your best bet. Instead of a flat no. Talk about how visitation would occur, who would pay the expenses, how this affects child support since visitation is altered, etc. Try to keep a dialogue open. If you both dig your heels in... it is only going to get uglier.
 jfcaaron
Joined: 2/13/2010
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 6:20:00 AM
Been there myself, my best friend also went through the same thing.
I would let them go, because it does reflect on your son that he may be getting a better living situation, But get it in writing ( through FOC) that you still have your parental rights and that they need to pay for air flights to and from to you (that's something that is negotioable between you and your ex) Good thing the ex found someone that is a good stepfather (be thankfull for that). Your son will not forget who is his Dad is (being in that position right now). I did provide him with a cell of his own so that he can call at anytime without his mom spying and knowing when he called and have a private conversation with him. My son and I have a great relationship as well (love him to death) The ex and I agreed on things through the courts and so far things are working out. Just don't downgrade the ex to your son (not a good thing). I know it's a hard thing to let your son go. Maybe you could get him for the summer months when he is out of school? So that the 2 of you can have a bonding time.
Just letting you know that your not alone in your delemna and giving you idea's
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 6:20:43 AM
Well does she have a plan? Have you heard her out? Just a thought but it is the relationship that is important not just the amount of time you occupy the same space. My x spends more REAL time with our daughter now then he did when we lived together and they are closer now also.
So is she willing to fly him back on a regular basis at her expense? He is 8 so i am sure loves the computer can you skype? Will she fly you down to see a big game if he gets into sports? All i am saying is think it through before you say no. Are you willing to take placement of him and he goes down there for summers or the other way around? If you say yes she will need to foot the bill and accomidate what you need to make it happen, but look at all possibilities before you say no. Your happiness is no more or less important then theirs is, so if a compromise can be reached it would be best especially for your son who will have to deal with the struggle this is causing.
 soulsearcher012
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 6:31:01 AM
My son is 8 when I talked to him about it he said Daddy I wont be able to see you a lot and that makes me sad.
but as a typical kid in his next breath he said the good thing is I can go to Disney world a lot !
I have a lot to think about here . I have an appointment with my lawyer to figure out some kind of compromise.
Skype is a good idea thanks for that one as well as the cellphone .

I need to relax calm down and breathe !!
 jfcaaron
Joined: 2/13/2010
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 6:48:50 AM
That's best thing for you to do (relax, calm down and breathe) relax for the weekend, have a beer think about it (what's best for your son, he knows who is his Dad is) Mine was the same age of 8. He is now 11 and we talk/text all the time. His mother does not a problem with him having a cell of his own (so it cost me $10 a month on my service, it's worth it)
 CallmeKen
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 8
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 6:59:25 AM

Because of the way custody is structured she can't move him out of state without my consent.

I've got some bad news for you sunshine. You're interfering with a custodial parent's income. Any first year law student can get the custody order amended based on malicious intent.

Keep it civil. If she lawyers up, you'll be lucky to keep ANY visitation rights. Wish them the best of luck and start looking for plane fare deals. Maybe you can arrange for a month in summer where your son lives with you in New Jersey. But as the father, the court is stacked against you. It sucks, I know (My ex wife and son are 1000 miles away), but that's life.

Best of luck.
 windrider17
Joined: 10/21/2012
Msg: 9
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 7:19:38 AM
I was the one that remarried and moved with my new husband and 2 daughters (10/12) from NJ to Florida.

How we worked things out was simple and worked very well for us.

I waived his child support, he was to use that money, and come down to visit his kids every few months. He ended up coming down approx every 9 weeks for 5-7 days at a time. He stayed at my home for a few years (he was always welcome), and after he met his future wife, they stayed at a nearby motel.

This really did work for us. I have been divorced from him for 31 years. My children are close to their father, and respected my second husband. Hope this helps.
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 10
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 8:00:15 AM

When she told me I said (nicely) I can't agree to that I'll hardly ever get to see our son


Good for you :)

Another good reason why getting remarried is very difficult. You shouldn't have to worry about his opportunites for advancement. He should have addressed this with your ex prior to their marriage, so that's not your problem.

Get an attorney or try mediation if you can. I spent lots of money anticipating this scenario because it happens. Neither my ex or I can relocate and take the children anymore than 50 miles unless we go back to court/mediation.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 11
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 8:07:36 AM
OP I give you miles of credit for looking for a positive solution to a very difficult problem. There probably are numerous possible solutions that a sit down discussion with your ex might be able to resolve. Maybe take some of the suggestions you got in this post and use them to open the doors of communication with your ex. There is no one size fits all in problems such as this, however I do think its possible to find a solution that works for all of you. I do not recommend you allow the courts to decide this, often its a losing situation for all parties. I wish you luck and its nice to see a caring loving father who is willing to look for solutions rather than just fight to the death. I applaud you for your efforts and willingness to look at this situation from all sides.
 Aww-Ree
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 12
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 8:25:28 AM
Curious here....have you thought about relocating yourself to be nearer to your son should they move? I've read through most of the responses and didn't see anyone suggest that as an option. Someone I know was in the same boat as you with spouses having remarried other people. So the four adults sat down and talked eventually coming up with the solution that the custodial family would more to Oregon and the non-custodial parent and his wife would move there as well just to keep the family (and extended family) together. It's been 3 years since they all moved and the kids involved from both families that merged...are doing fantastic. Maybe not a realistic solution to your problem based on life as it stands, but certainly an option that bears thinking about. :) Best of luck to you all!~
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 8:33:47 AM
This is a promotion, he already has a job. You should give up access to your son so he can make more money? Why are you the one sacrificing for his gain? Skype/texting/phonecalls are not the same as physical involvement.
My son and his girlfriend had a baby, she's almost a year. Right before she was born his girlfriends parents/siblings moved thousands miles away for a job, badly needed. They've managed to come down twice to see her, each time they leave there are tears. They skype daily, it isn't enough. They are missing their first grandchilds childhood. I don't think standing up for your rights as a father means you're being difficult. If you had custody would she allow you to relocate without a fuss? This man has his children with him always and expects you to amend your relationship with your son for him? Myself, I wouldn't give up time with my children for anyone. You can never get that time back. Like another poster suggested, maybe see if she'll give you custody and she can do what she's asking you to do.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 14
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 8:51:21 AM

now my ex has turned into a beast ! and won't even answer the phone when I call.


It sounds like you and the ex had a heated argument over this and now it looks like you will be heading to family court and have a judge decide what happens since you and your ex aren't on speaking terms any more. Fighting with your ex won't do your kid any favors. She has the upper hand in this situation, so you have to bite the bullet and work out a new visitation schedule.
 soulsearcher012
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 8:54:13 AM
Bk2 and Five Marie,
this is exactly what's bothering me. Why should I give up my son so he can make more money.
I wish him the best and hope he has a great career but not at the expense of not seeing my son .
I talked to my lawyer by phone he said with how our custody is arranged all aspects of it.
it would take forever in court to even get a change, I'm not trying to screw my Ex here I want that to be known.
I love my son I wouldn't give up our time even if God himself asked me to.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 16
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 9:21:52 AM
I agree with Five-Marie. I tend to lean your way on this. Just be sure to frame it as the child’s best interests, not yours or your ex-wife’s- the child’s relationships with his mother and father, not the mother’s or father’s relationships with the child. Children have a right to parenting time and meaningful relationships with both parents. Parenting time is theirs, not ours (parents’).

I can see prioritizing the move if it was a necessity to meet the child’s baseline needs, but it is an option in order to make more money. How does step-dad’s making more money benefit your son? Will his college be paid for, better school, anything? Is there any benefit to him that outweighs the benefits he derives from continued frequent access to his father? Then flip side, can you do more parenting time? Become primary and offer blocks to her? Another factor is the step-family and his relationships with his step-siblings. That’s often weighed too.

Maybe suggest to exW that you mediate this before going full bore with attorneys. Maybe suggest a mediator who is also certified as a child specialist in collaborative law.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 17
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 9:21:52 AM

I talked to my lawyer by phone he said with how our custody is arranged all aspects of it.
it would take forever in court to even get a change

Then fight the good fight.

She will most likely file a temporary motion for re-location. It will not take forever to have the motion heard and the court will make its decision based on what it deems best for the child. The court may even have the child heard on the matter. Your needs are irrelevant. Thinking you have a "air tight" case is flawed logic as these motions are granted all the time.

The only winners in a court fight are the attorneys.. everyone else loses and the person most affected by two parents slugging it out will be the child.

Best of luck to you.
 jfcaaron
Joined: 2/13/2010
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 9:31:26 AM
After reading the post, after giving my post, I have to agree with them. The ex's husband has a job is supporting "his" family and your son. Will it better your son's life style???? Or is it just going to only take your son away from you and cause more striff.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 19
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 9:57:20 AM
Some people here are saying the ex's new husband should turn down the promotion and pay increase . But the OP didn't give any details as to this promotion. I've worked at places where a company is closing down or paring down departments and some people in the affected department are laid off and some others are transferred. And in a some cases, the transfer involves a promotion. Refusing a transfer and/or promotion can result in being unemployed if a department is closing. The OP never specified or if he knew the consequences of the guy turning down a promotion and moving at the company's request. Some companies don't take kindly to people who refuse promotions and transfers, especially if the higher ups took a long time to decide who should get the promotion.

Most people know when they're in a certain occupation at certain companies that being transferred is always a possibility. Did the OP know that at some point, the guy could be transferred to another branch, especially if he has aspirations of climbing the corporate ladder? If the OP knew this could happen, he and the ex should've had a Plan B in place when she got involved with the new guy just in case. Fighting it out in court to try to force the guy to stay where he is and turn down a promotion will only cause extreme hatred all around, and how will that hatred affect the kid they are fighting over?
 mermaid140
Joined: 8/29/2012
Msg: 20
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 10:10:53 AM
How often do you see your son now? You currently live a few hundred miles away.
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 21
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 10:26:28 AM
Like awree suggested, how about considering moving south also? Depending on what you do for work there are a lot of opportunities in some of the larger cities.

I have not seen your thoughts on this, all I see is you freaking out about them taking your son away, a move might even be good for your career/life.

Otherwise it's going to be a tough struggle, if he has to stay put and lose out on the promotion or perhaps lose his job, you can bet the antagonism towards you will be strong, even to the point of seriously damaging your relationship with your son.

Please think rationally before taking this into a drawn out court battle that will cost all of you dearly...
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 10:28:55 AM
Does it matter why he wants the promotion? Again, why should his needs/wants affect the op;s relationship with his son. I still think if this move is so important to his ex/her husband they should be the ones sacrificing, not the op. (Apologizing for the lack of paragraphs,this borrowed notepad won't allow it) Kind of similar circumstances in my home. My sons girlfriends mother (after moving thousands of miles away) is constantly begging her daughter to take my granddaughter and move out there with them. I understand why she moved but again, why should my son and I be denied regular access because she moved? My son worries everyday that she will take his daughter and move leaving him to fight in court after the fact. The op's ex didn't even discuss this with him before telling her new husband that it would be no problem, that shows that she, not the op is refusing to try to work this out. It may end up in a battle, still, not the op's fault. He should walk away from his son because there could be hard feelings?
 lowmiles2
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 23
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 10:31:24 AM
What you need to do is man-up and do the right thing for your son. Flights to Florida are reasonable and you'll see your son more than you can imagine. Soon with supervision he'll be able to fly alone and visit you as well.

Hey, its not the ideal situation but what the heck is. You could always move to Florida.
 somekinda_wonderful
Joined: 4/21/2012
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 10:34:58 AM
If you decide to "stick to your guns" and fight the move, is it feasible that your X can be bitter and vindictive about that. Can she interfere with your visitation, ie: sorry you drove all the way out here, but your son has a cold and can't go out, and no you are not welcome in our house. or he's spending the nite at a friends house, or he's grounded, or etc, etc. How often will you talk to your son if she refuses to answer the phone. Regardless of who is right or wrong, all options need to be considered.
 14everBlessed2
Joined: 6/21/2012
Msg: 25
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/15/2013 10:47:12 AM
Taking a breath is needed.
Try to reestablish the good communication with your ex- wife. You may have to go to a lawyer and have him write the letter if she refuses to talk and/or sit down with you. Tell her you understand what a good opportunity this is for her new husband. Ask what reasonable visitations/accommodations could be added to the custody agreement that you and she would be amenable to. Compromise is KEY. And for your son's sake be civil, even if she acts like a horse's patootie.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Torn need advice