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 AUTHOR
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 2
doing time for other mens crimesPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Just show her by your actions. not your words.
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 3:14:09 PM
you're not responsible the actions of others, therefore are not responsible for redeeming your gender in anyone's eyes.

if you get tired of paying for other people's sins before she gets tired of seeing you as an extension of them, you'll just find someone with less scar tissue.
 Lady0343
Joined: 10/9/2012
Msg: 5
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 3:15:13 PM
It is one of those semmingly unfair things about life. We all must atone or prove that we are not like others that have come before us. I know it is a real pain, but no one ever said life was going to be fair.
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 8
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 3:28:41 PM
My thoughts..... Guess why she's single. I just wouldn't bother with people like that.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 10
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History
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 3:39:51 PM
There is a word for that. She is bitter.
I go through a men sucks thing every time i break up with someone but i get over it in a couple of weeks.
How long was she single before you?
And tell her to stop it.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 11
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 3:45:17 PM

Any advice to counter some of this or maybe not even counter just some advice.


Pretty simple actually.

Tell her to go phuck her hat.

There.

Easy peasy.

Your welcome.
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 12
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 3:58:29 PM
She's wrong and she's right, at the same time.

She's wrong in the sense that she isn't appreciating what ANY man might be doing.
And she's right in the sense that usually, as a relationship progresses, we tend to become complacent with pleasing/doing thing for our partner.

Ask her why she's angry at men...and see if she opens up and explain that while there are some gender traits, on both sides, that maybe you all should just start fresh and try to appreciate each other for the positive things you each are bringing to the table.
Maybe talk about what you all would do if/when you start to see a taking for granted thing going on.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 15
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:10:12 PM
I am sorry but if a woman came on here saying the same thing about a guy, it would be pretty damn near unanimous that she should dump him. Yet because it is a woman we are suppose to be more considerate of her feelings and talk it out. OP, she is expecting disappointment and at some point you are going to do something that proves her point. So my advice to you is run, not walk, but run away from this woman, she needs more help than you are ever going to be able to give her.
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 16
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:11:49 PM

Any advice to counter some of this or maybe not even counter just some advice.

Not really.
Here's my opinion though.
You aren't entitled to date her, she's not entitled to date you.
You are entitled to your opinion, she's entitled to hers.
You don't have to defend yourself if you don't really want to.
How she sees you is really her problem if you are simply being yourself.

The only way you are going to change her mind is if she wants her mind to be changed, like she pays attention to what you are doing and if it's different than the stereotypes she has developed from her past relationships.
If she doesn't want to change her mind, then no matter what you do it's not going to change.
She will do a lot to maintain a consistent mental state, and part of that is based on stereotypes of experienced behavior.
She can rationalize and manipulate how she sees anything in order to make it fit into her world view.

The more you rub her face in how she is "wrong" by arguing with her and specifically pointing out why you are right and different, she is wrong, the more judgmental and attacking it's going to come across.
That tends to lead to someone dumping the other person and pushing blame on the other person.
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 17
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:25:23 PM
This a sad thing for me to have to say, but this thread is about emotional baggage, sometimes called "issues". The problem is, some people have too much. Just because a person is beautiful and breathing does not mean they are good relationship material.
 02HDF150
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 18
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History
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:33:30 PM
She sounds like a woman you'll always have to prove yourself to. It doesn't matter what your words and/or actions says, she won't believe it. And the one time you don't do something for whatever reason, she'll be quick to throw you into to the category of the past men she's gone out with.

It might not be what you want to hear OP but unless she does a complete 180 in her thinking and behavior, she won't change and you won't be happy. Eventually you'll get tired of proving to her that your different from the rest. If you decide to break up with her, she'll put you in the same category as the rest of the men even though you didn't deserve to be there.
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 19
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History
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:34:04 PM

Any advice to counter some of this or maybe not even counter just some advice.


Simple...date another woman.
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 20
view profile
History
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:40:59 PM
Tell her she has too much baggage.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 21
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:41:21 PM
and you think she will change something, that works so well for her that it doesn't chase you away....why?

it works for her. it doesn't bother you enough to say, "i'm outa here." there's no reason for her to change what makes her feel good and doesn't chase you away. it ain't broken, so she won't need to fix it.

yes, I know you wish there was a way. but look at how deep the roots run:what reason do you think she has to conduct herself this way? she gets to justify the reason why she dated all those jerks--it wasn't her fault for choosing them, it was their fault for being jerks. so long as she needs to keep doing that, she'll keep showing herself that it wasn't her fault, but their's--and your's.

your proving you aren't the norm, keeps showing her she's at fault for choosing jerks rather than good guys.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 22
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:47:08 PM

she counters back with a "all men say that"…

I’d be gone. One whiff of that in her profile, correspondence, chats, coffee… I would wind it down. That’s an attitude that runs pretty deep. It’s not just sexist, she’s a victim sizing you up for bad guy suit.

Anyway, your profile says you’re still looking for a long-termer. I would too.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 23
doing time for other men's crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 4:52:05 PM

Any advice to counter some of this or maybe not even counter just some advice.

Simple...date another woman.

I endorse this approach to the problem.

Uh, with the caveat that you stop dating this one first.

She's bitter, she's got problems with men, you can't fix her. Keep seeing her and she'll just keep belittling you like this. It's dismissive, it's minimizing, and it's unacceptable.

It's normal for either sex to go through a phase like this of hating the opposite sex after a particularly nasty break-up, like some above have noted, during which time we obviously shouldn't date.

But this woman talks like her entire life has been a nasty break-up and you personally have something to do with it! You don't, of course, and you don't have to put up with this.
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 24
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 5:16:43 PM
Why would you date this woman? She's totally bitter and emotionally unavilable.

I can't understand why men and women alike tolerate this kind of behavior. Dating is supposed to be fun and enjoyable, not a nag fest. I see nothing fun or enjoyable about your relationship. It's the same advice for men as for women, being single is way better than being in a crappy relationship.

Pony up, and dump her.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 25
doing time for other men's crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 5:21:27 PM
Very negative people, men or women, eventually get what they deserved. This sounds really sad, but it's true, these people are self fulfilling prophesies. So noticed that this is always the case with negative people. Then you meet someone that is positive, and all the great things happen to them. Not that they don't have any problems, it's that their outlook is defined not by what happens to them, but their attitude.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 29
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 7:12:36 PM
""It is one of those semmingly unfair things about life. We all must atone or prove that we are not like others that have come before us""

This is true. It happens to all of us to some degree, and depending on the severity of it you may just have to cut ties with this person. Some people are not capable of seeing the individual as an individual and you may find in the end that all you will EVER be to them is a member of the enemy tribe...
 Bohica4u
Joined: 2/11/2013
Msg: 30
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 7:26:32 PM
if you cant take and honest and open approach towards a new date you are not ready for something new...its okay to learn from your past just don't let it cloud your future. a relationship is an investment in time and emotion and of yourself...invest wisely.....sounds to me that she is not ready to move forward
 Highlander9847
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 32
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 7:33:34 PM
I'd tell her "Men are pigs! You cook." and walk out the door for at least a week if not forever.
 Insanity_Inc
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 33
doing time for other men's crimes
Posted: 2/20/2013 8:15:52 PM
I couldn't bear to date someone that was that negative and demeaning...
 ironwinecoffee
Joined: 9/4/2012
Msg: 34
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/21/2013 4:51:34 AM
This does not sound promising. It appears she still has anger about her past relationships and is generalizing about all men something both sexes who have not worked out their shit do. Frankly, I think this will get old for you. Why not date somebody who is not so overtly hostile? If I started dating a man who said "women this/women that" I would lose interest in the relationship. Do her a favor and suggest counseling.
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 35
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/21/2013 7:38:14 AM
I sympathize with you. I will never prove I am better then the men before me. I've said that a few times after meeting women that were clearly jaded and skeptical of men after dating for several years. We're all biased from our dating and relationship experiences. That's ok, but everyone deserves a fair chance.

I've actually been told that romance was a way to manipulate somebody...wow. I also met a woman that told me about her sordid past with some jerk that only wanted one thing in a parking lot a few times a week. I wasn't phased until I laid in bed with her twice and she said she wanted to 'take it slow'...hmmm, not. Not after hearing about that dude that treated you like trash in the parking lot. F that. Now I gotta measure up to that? Nooooo....

I would tell her that it's getting old and that you're not measuring her against the women before her. You deserve the same treatment. This is similar to having that mentality that your next partner in life must be equal to or greater then your ex. Not realistic.
 hey_yall_watch_this
Joined: 2/15/2013
Msg: 36
doing time for other mens crimes
Posted: 2/21/2013 10:29:55 AM
I can tell you exactly what's most like happening probably. You know as well as me, most likely, that most women tend to say very much the same things initially. This woman is looking for something original. She wants you to tell her the ugly truth that most people tend to try to avoid. So tell this woman something not necessarily chilvarous. Tell her something about you that isnt pretty, but it's real just the same. She wants to hear something unique and human, not the same old above the flock rhetoric. Let her know not everything about you is nice, but ur not afraid to share it with someone if you have an interest. Share something with her that shows her ur comfortable enough with who you are to admit to the less than perfect. Just do it once and see how it goes. If it seems to work out well, then u have one less thing left to hide and maybe incentive to open up more.
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