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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Taking it slow - Both peoples perspectives      Home login  
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 ABritInBurnaby
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 1
Taking it slow - Both peoples perspectivesPage 1 of 1    
This may technically be against forum rules as I made a thread addressing this in Ask A Girl, but I feel the topic was popular enough to warrant more than 21 replies (plus I didn't get to reply even once) and further discussion.

There is tons of threads from a guys perspective on how to deal with a girl who wants to take it slowly, but I couldn't find many from the perspective of the girl who wants to take it slowly and how they prefer to be treated.

A little background, I am dating a girl, 6 or so dates in and it's going great. We kiss, cuddle etc. and generally like each other. I know she wants to take it slowly, so I put no pressure on her to do anything in regards to going further than kissing. As a note, I am perfectly happy going slow, this is not me trying to find the quickest way to get her "ready".

But, I am also aware I may be coming off a bit disinterested with this approach, and that nothing will ever happen if I don't try and step it up a gear, which I don't want either.

So, ladies, how do you like a guy to act when he knows you want to take it slowly? Do you prefer him to leave the ball entirely in your court? Do you want him to give you a little nudge, either verbally or physically? Do you eventually want him to take a leap of faith and just go for it?

As to not leave the guys out, how do you generally treat a girl like this?

I have a feeling the responses will be quite different between genders.
 Albvs
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 2
Taking it slow - Both peoples perspectives
Posted: 2/27/2013 7:25:20 PM
Dude, it's not that it wasn't popular enough, it's that someone decided to lock all threads over there at the 21st post. :facepalm:

If you're six dates into it then you're in danger of getting trapped in the friend-zone. If you don't make a move then she'll likely get disinterested.

I *know* I'm bound to get clobbered by everyone else who'll say that you should wait.
 ABritInBurnaby
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 3
Taking it slow - Both peoples perspectives
Posted: 2/27/2013 7:40:43 PM

Dude, it's not that it wasn't popular enough, it's that someone decided to lock all threads over there at the 21st post. :facepalm:

If you're six dates into it then you're in danger of getting trapped in the friend-zone. If you don't make a move then she'll likely get disinterested.

I *know* I'm bound to get clobbered by everyone else who'll say that you should wait.


I said it was popular, not it wasn't.

These "friend zone" parameters certainly move around a lot. I was under the impression it existed for people who hadn't kissed, now it's moving to people who haven't had sex. What next? We're rushing into marriage to ensure we're not in the zone? haha
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 4
Taking it slow - Both peoples perspectives
Posted: 2/27/2013 7:41:02 PM
Oh sheesh
It's quickly becoming a POF pet peeve of mine to see posters ask questions they should be asking THEIR PARTNER!

Darling, sweet darling, we can NOT read her mind!
If we tell you to go slow, she could friend-zone you.
If we tell you to speed up, she could slap you or you two could ** like rabbits and the relationship fizzles before it began or end happily every after into the next phase. So many different scenarios.

How about you just get a start on the communication part of your budding relationship with this girl and.....ASK her thoughts on this subject.

C O M M U N I C A T E.... that's your word of the day.
 Albvs
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 5
Taking it slow - Both peoples perspectives
Posted: 2/27/2013 8:25:47 PM
Technically, the facepalm was because I don't like the lockout rule. I stand corrected, though.

I *got* this one time (the dreaded "brother-zone" from the cutest girl I'd been seeing who led the step aerobics class at the gym where I worked out). There's just a point where you're trying to be the gentleman and you've proved this to her on so many levels already.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 6
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Taking it slow - Both peoples perspectives
Posted: 2/27/2013 8:32:50 PM
Context because each situation and woman is different.

If we are talking about six dates within a month it might be too soon for the exclusivity talk. But if you really like this woman it is better to have this talk and go from there. If you don't communicate with this woman with what you expect then you are bound to trip yourself up. Honest opinion? If she likes to kiss and cuddle I don't think you are in the friend zone, so go with the pace this woman is comfortable with. But the exclusivity talk is imperative if you want to take intimacy another level eventually.
 GarnerGirl71
Joined: 2/10/2012
Msg: 7
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Taking it slow - Both peoples perspectives
Posted: 2/27/2013 8:42:47 PM
Just push the envelope a little further next time you're kissing her... slowly move towards hot and heavy. She'll either respond and allow it to continue, or she'll stop you. Either way, she knows you are ready to move forward.
 Sailing78
Joined: 3/13/2011
Msg: 8
Taking it slow - Both peoples perspectives
Posted: 2/28/2013 12:17:39 AM
I think you're over thinking things a bit, OP. Generally, 'taking things slow' means putting sex and a relationship on the back burner, temporarily. It means literally not thinking about it too much. Take a mental step back. Just enjoy the experience and spending time with the person. If you're not getting what you want from the situation, then the person probably isn't right for you. Forcing things isn't going to suddenly make her want to jump your bones. It will however, let you know exactly where you stand with her. I don't mean any of this in an accusatory or judgmental way towards you, OP. Just that you will know over time whether she's genuinely taking things a little slowly vs freindzoning you.

I also don't think you should worry about coming across as disinterested. Don't be an ass and ignore her or treat her like crap, but you also don't want to put your life on hold waiting for her. Immerse yourself in your hobbies and other pastimes. Enjoy and live your life. Be busy and do the things you want to do. If you're cool with going slow, don't jump everytime she calls/texts you. Let her into your life just as slowly. Sometimes taking a step back and exhaling (metaphorically) in a relationship context can be liberating. You end up putting less pressure on the other person as well as yourself. At the end of the day though, if you're not getting what you want from the situation, it's generally time to move on to the next one...
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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Taking it slow - Both peoples perspectives
Posted: 2/28/2013 3:05:40 AM
Two things:

When you repost the same thing in another forum, you risk losing your posting privileges, and are likely to have the second post killed. Decide whether to use the limited forums FIRST, and then stick to your decision.

As to what you are asking, it's really a non-starter anyway. It's yet another example of how so many people want to turn finding a mate (or temporary distraction) into a science, or a production procedure.

Think for just a minute. It shouldn't take more, if you actually think, instead of eagerly running once around the inside of your brain, like a 1970's streaker. You are unique. Everyone else is unique. Figuring out how to get where you'd like to with one person wont help you get with another one, except to the general extent that MOST people don't like being insulted or punched.

The "friend zone" isn't a real place. It's an annoyance-inspired, clever name for a common thing that people do to avoid hitting each other with sticks, and having to go to court all the time (i.e. they sy you are a "friend," because they aren't sexually attracted, and you are supposed to accept that gracefully...and don't try to borrow money on that "friendship).

It's pointless and self-defeating to ask anyone how they would like you to PRETEND to be, in order to build a genuine relationship with them. So asking "what the best approach is," is in and of itself a formula for failure.

People who SAY they like to "take it slow," very often only say that the same way they do so many catch phrases: it's something they heard someone else say, and it seems like it will work to stop or slow down some of the many hit-and-run maniacs that plague existence. Watch that same "slow hand" if they run across the man/woman/anteater of their dreams, and you'll find yourself wondering if it might be possible to break the light speed barrier after all.

From the other side, anyone who has been around and trying for any length of time, knows that every "take it slow" person has different reasons for it. Uniqueness again. So trying to work out your own way of how to present yourself as a "take it slow" person will fail, because each prospect will draw their own conclusion about why you are acting as though you don't desire them, and/or as though you don't know what you want from life, or why you are playing coy games in an egotistical way to get them to perform for you.

That is, if they even notice that you are "taking it slow." If the two of you are on the same page, so to speak, it will be like Goldilocks and the third whatever. Juuuuust right.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 10
Taking it slow - Both people's perspectives
Posted: 2/28/2013 4:21:53 AM

Just push the envelope a little further next time you're kissing her... slowly move towards hot and heavy. She'll either respond and allow it to continue, or she'll stop you. Either way, she knows you are ready to move forward.

+1

"I want to take it slowly" does not mean "Never try for more."
 ABritInBurnaby
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 11
Taking it slow - Both people's perspectives
Posted: 2/28/2013 7:03:45 AM
Thanks for your responses all.

What a night I had yesterday. Not only did the girl I was dating sporadically (Re: Awkward Group Date thread) end things, the girl I talk about in this thread, where things were going great, dropped a complete bombshell on me. She's moving to, wait for it, England, in September. Oh the irony. I think I need to take a break from this dating malarkey, seems every time I meet a great girl, there is one reason or another it just won't work.
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 12
Taking it slow - Both people's perspectives
Posted: 2/28/2013 7:50:43 AM
You don't understand slow. When I take it slow, I don't kiss for a month if not more. I know they're interested in more but I really want to get to know them unencumbered by physical romance. You seem to be fixated on that part of dating. I just met a woman (I met her initially in the real world) and she wanted to kiss the first time we met and the second time, which was our official first date, but while I half gestured to kiss her, I didn't "go for it". I see no need to kiss someone when I'm taking it "slow". If you kiss a stranger, what good is that? It's meaningless. I figure it can take upwards of several months before I really know whether I want to be with someone. Some women are harder to understand than others. But they seem to all be programmed to want to get physical regardless. I just hold them off, which is good, 'cause it builds some sexual tension. The ones that can relax and have the patience are the keepers, in my book. Those that can't wait are the ones I wish well and bid them on their way. Good luck and happy fishin'...!
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 13
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Taking it slow - Both peoples perspectives
Posted: 2/28/2013 7:56:46 AM
''Just push the envelope a little further
next time you're kissing her... slowly
move towards hot and heavy. She'll
either respond and allow it to
continue, or she'll stop you. Either
way, she knows you are ready to
move forward.''

I totally agree with this.
Oh and never just jump right to it unless she is ok with quikies once in a while ;)
If you do sleep with her, just remember getting laid doesn't make you a man, making her eyes roll back and her toes curl makes you a man ;)
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 14
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Taking it slow - Both peoples perspectives
Posted: 2/28/2013 8:03:21 AM
Dating isn't malarky its that you are trying to hastily reach a destination instead of just enjoying the journey.
 Albvs
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 15
Taking it slow - Both people's perspectives
Posted: 2/28/2013 3:24:43 PM

She's moving to, wait for it, England, in September.

Maybe she digs your accent... but wants to see if other Brits do it better. dang
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 16
Taking it slow - Both people's perspectives
Posted: 2/28/2013 3:46:14 PM
Extremely ironic - but you have loads of time until September!
 ABritInBurnaby
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 17
Taking it slow - Both people's perspectives
Posted: 2/28/2013 6:36:53 PM

Maybe she digs your accent... but wants to see if other Brits do it better. dang


Perhaps, it has apparently been a dream of hers to move away though, so I don't think it has anything to do with me.


Extremely ironic - but you have loads of time until September!


True, and I am finding it very difficult to decide whether to have a great 6 months and see what happens, with the risk of being extremely hurt at the end, or to just throw the towel in now and spare the pain. My extremely logical mind tells me it's not worth the future pain, but my emotional side tells me these girls don't come around all too often, and to go for it. That is, of course, dependent on what she wants too, she seems pretty undecided as well.
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