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 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 1
Friend ZonedPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Does it hurt your feelings to be friend zoned when you think there was chemistry with the person you've met? I don't if I'm being overly sensitive. I got a text from him saying that he wanted to stay friends with me. To be fair, I've met men where I didn't feel the chemistry and had no further contact with them after the first meeting. It seems like the ones where I feel the chemistry, they don't feel the same about me and vice-versa. It's very frustrating.
 brinaalina
Joined: 10/26/2011
Msg: 2
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Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/1/2013 11:24:35 PM
I'm not sure if I've been 'friend-zoned' before if it wasn't mutual. Hm...
But I have friend-zoned people before. I think it's just a basic case of not being sexually attracted to the person, you know?
So yes, I assume if you had feelings for them and then they just want to be friends, it would definitely hurt.

Did he know you liked him as more than friends?
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 3
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/1/2013 11:29:32 PM
We had been talking on the phone for a couple of weeks and finally time permitted to meet. It was after our meeting that he texted me that he didn't feel the chemistry, but wanted be friends. They say you can know pretty quickly if there's chemistry and I was attracted to him, but I guess it was mutual. Eh..
 Puppydog54
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 4
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/2/2013 5:01:23 AM
Hey, when you look like me you get friend zoned all the time. And yes... sometimes it does indeed hurt
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
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Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/2/2013 5:19:56 AM

Does it hurt your feelings to be friend zoned when you think there was chemistry with the person you've met?


As a regular denizen of said zone, I can authoritatively answer this.

No, not in the way you mean when you ask.

When I desire more with someone than they do of me, I am disappointed. That's the extent of the emotions directly connected with getting the bad news. It's only when someone pretends that they want me as a friend because they think they have to treat me like a child and "protect my feelings," that I also feel insulted.

It could be that this guy is trying to play the "pretend to be friends" ploy, as a way to stay around you until you realize how wonderful he really is; or it could be that he really wanted you as a friend before anyway; or something in between, where he is himself confused about his intentions and wants time to think; or even that he's covering his embarrassment about failing to get on with you, by means of declaring friendship.

And yeah, it's always a drag to feel that everything is wonderful, but learn that the feelings aren't mutual. Nature of being human, I'm afraid.
 Green_MK2
Joined: 11/6/2011
Msg: 6
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Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/2/2013 8:08:27 AM
"Let's just be/stay friends" - That's a mild form of rejection, used mostly to ease one's feeling of guilt at hurting someone's feeling. Normally is just as bad as direct rejection after recipent let's it sink in. Unless the relationship STARTED as friends ( Where one of the parties tried to make it more.) further attempts at actual friendship will likely fail, as romantic feeling will persist on the rejectee's side.

'Friend-zoned'- More of a natural transition from a perceived romantic interest into a social interest that normally occurs after a faux-pas of just failure to make a move at the right time; it is normally impossible to come back from a social interest to a romantic-interest, tho exceptions have been recorded.

It would seem in your case that's more the former sadly...
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 7
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/2/2013 8:46:35 AM
I see it as form of rejection. I mean he said he didn't feel the chemistry, but added "please don't be mad at me" before he friend zoned me. So it is a rejection. I have male friends where after the romantic relationship ended, we stayed friends. That's all good. But when it's the opposite, where the intent was to meet to see if there was mutual interest, then the friend zone feels like relegation to a lesser status. In my opinion, that means that I didn't meet some criteria. Maybe he wasn't physically attracted to me. Maybe it was our conversational topics? It could've been any number of things. Either way, it is rejection. Friendships are great, but this is a dating site and the basic intent is for something romantic to develop. In my opinion, it's better to let it go and not "just be friends" because it is "settling" and there is always the reminder of not being good enough.
 Green_MK2
Joined: 11/6/2011
Msg: 8
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Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/2/2013 8:49:50 AM
I think you already see this with the right perspective.
Really means 'Better luck next time.'
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 9
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/2/2013 10:23:21 AM
I just did this to someone I met this past week but it was her fault, not mine. You want to do some research on sabotaging the first date or a budding relationship, assuming you've been on more than 1 date (lots of info available on-line about it). This woman did exactly that, she had all the classic behaviors and asked the wrong types of questions to sabotage the first date, yet when asked wanted to continue dating. She actually kind of knew she was doing it but didn't realize what it meant. It could be that you're doing something similar. I offered to friend zone her because I still liked her as a person, even though she clearly had issues preventing her from establishing healthy partnerships based on reality. But since I hardly knew her, I decided to just make a clean cut and told her where I was really at in regards to her and wished her well. But I bounced it off my friends first, both male and female and they concurred, which I shared with her. Good luck and happy fishin'...
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 10
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/2/2013 2:25:20 PM
Just do an internet search on sabotaging first date and you'll get lots of results, educate yourself.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 11
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/2/2013 8:44:04 PM
In doing that search about sabotaged first dates, I found this that seems more relevant and maybe even I've been guilty of not giving someone more than coffee date to impress me. I have only met one person that made my heart beat a little fast as stated on my profile and that person was off limits for a couple of reasons.

"Some people find that physical attraction does not build, but isn’t it worth it to find out? I’ve seen this happen a few times, so I usually recommend giving someone at least three dates if you think they are a nice person. Note that I am not asking you to “settle,” but I am suggesting that when you say no, you may be prematurely cutting off a possible mate. Look at when and why you reject your dates so that you can do it consciously — when it truly serves you to do so. If you discover that you tend to say no too quickly, try giving your dates time before you decide if they are right for you."

Read more: http://www.tipsonlifeandlove.com/love-and-relationships/are-you-sabotaging-your-love-life#ixzz2MRos6tlg

I don't really think you can tell what a person is truly like and if there's chemistry just over lunch or over a Starbucks coffee. I can relate to the above quote that it if you don't despise someone, you should at least give them a second date. I do think there are some deal breakers like poor manners that will lead to no second date.
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 12
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/2/2013 8:53:02 PM
I can't speak for all men, but I don't believe a man and a woman can be friends unless sex happens first. If he proposed friendship to you, he is probably seeking a casual and sexual relationship with you. I've never in my life asked a woman to be my friend only. Friends first? Sure, but sex second. I would move on.
 lobo65
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 13
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Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/2/2013 10:19:55 PM
If I am attracted to a lady and she doesn't feel the same, our association ends immediately. I won't stay around like a dog begging for scraps. I would guess that many people who say they want to remain friends, actually mean they want to part on friendly terms, but don't want to stay in touch.
 prime ribb
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 14
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/3/2013 6:25:26 AM
I take it some folks on first meets either have short attention spans or just serial daters. I guess that would mean ME too..lol. Chemistry varies depending on the individuals. Some things may take time to evolve and others blossom instantly.

As far as the Friend Zone thing, there was this woman I went on a date with a few years back. She seemed like a nice person, but she had a negative disposition about her because she got out of a bad relationship. To make a long story short, I didn't really feel like she was interested in me enough for a second date, so I never asked her. We reconnected some months later and I disclosed that we had something as friends but not enough as far as dating. She didn't take it well, but I guess I read her wrong.

My friend zone story.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 15
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/3/2013 6:58:07 AM
I have been friendzoned and ALSO been asked to ONLY be friends by a few guys.

The first experience with this was a couple summers ago after a wonderful first date, we were out until two in the morning laughing and talking, blah blah, then at the end he turns to me and says "Well no spark but you're a really great person and I would love to be friends with you."

I on the other hand was already smitten. Already crazy about him, so I was crushed to hear this, and really wanted to know what the problem was. If I was so great, why did I only get to be "friends?"

Eager to be with him and around him, I then set off on over a year of "non dates" with this guy, and he WAS consistently in touch, this was a weekly thing..we had dinner, went to movies, conventions, hung out and talked to the wee hours..everything but sex. It was driving me crazy inside, battering my self esteem and upsetting me at the same time trying to figure out what it was that "kept me in the bullpen."

Then finally, after listening to his woes about other women (THIS is the WORST thing you can do, listening to the dating stories of someone you like) I told him it was time to end the friendship. I told him everything..how I felt, why I could not go on. Yeah, I took too long and dragged things out, but even with my confession about my feelings for him, all he could do was be sad about having to end the friendship, it never made him "want me."

At the same time, another guy, who had swarms of women around him (a good looking musician) also friended me and wanted to hang out with me at least once a week. Yes, 2010 was definitely a year of learning. I had these two situations going on where I was the "buddy" the girl men could hang out with, watch movies, have dinner, like a family member. Maybe in some way I was an escape, you didnt have to deal with all the GF stuff with me, it was simple.

Since I had broken up with my BF in 2009, and had been with him since 1999, this "let's just hang out" thing was new, weird, and I didnt know what to make of it. Was I just supposed to wait long enough and finally they would realize *I* was the one? How did it all work?

With the help of a site called baggagereclaim, I finally learned what "being the woman in waiting" was all about...the "fallback girl"..with or without sex. Waiting for crumbs of attention, sacrificing your time and attention in hopes of some payoff at some point. Having your self esteem crushed, etc.

I actually ended the friendships with BOTH these guys. I had to, because:

1. I was attracted to both so it was darn frustrating just sitting on the couch next to them watching a movie, etc not being able to touch them.
2. I am not in the market for more male friends. I have plenty of friends. I am looking for a lover, for someone who is into me, who digs me, wants me sexually.

After all this, I have new rules, and one of them is, if I go on a date with a guy and I like him, but he doesnt "feel" anything, we will not be hanging out. This did happen yet again, the "no spark but let's hang out" thing. I turned it down. Also, I myself have had men wanting to date me but honestly I feel no attraction, so it ends there as well, so as not to drag things out or hurt anyone else.

Being friendzoned IS devastating. It hurts terribly, makes you feel undesirable, makes you wonder what you are lacking, and is sexually very frustrating. It is a waste of time. There are MILLIONS of people out there you will end up meeting, it is so important to move on, to not consider these circumstances to reflect a defect on your part. As I mentioned before, the website baggagereclaim.com is dedicated to this subject, and discusses the circumstances and how to make sure you avoid the trap in the future.
 Green_MK2
Joined: 11/6/2011
Msg: 16
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Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/3/2013 10:10:10 AM
I felt for that story, really.

Now you know how the 'nice guys' feel, all the time.
 prime ribb
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 17
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/3/2013 12:20:44 PM
I just know that when you do that to a woman she doesn't take it as well. No one likes having that REJECTION stamp on their foreheads..lol
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 18
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/3/2013 1:40:54 PM
It's sure is a self-esteem buster. I have never been friend zoned, so it came as a surprise. I've had men disappear (Poof) and it's almost better that way than offer the "consolation prize" of friend-only.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 19
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/3/2013 5:12:31 PM
Here's another thing that I forgot to mention. He gave me a hug before we parted. In fact, there were two hugs and he snuck in a kiss on my cheek/jaw. So that's why the friend zone thing caught me by surprise.
 staffmom
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 20
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/3/2013 7:51:10 PM
I can't speak for all men, but I don't believe a man and a woman can be friends unless sex happens first. If he proposed friendship to you, he is probably seeking a casual and sexual relationship with you. I've never in my life asked a woman to be my friend only. Friends first? Sure, but sex second. I would move on.


I'd say you are speaking for yourself... or.. at least none of the men I am good friends with whom I have not had sex with.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 21
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/4/2013 3:00:24 PM
I got friend zoned once.. we chit chat every few months..

he used to act like he would "do me".. but one night i called his bluff.. and he ran away like a girl.. didnt talk to me for 6 months.. :)).. so funny.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 22
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/5/2013 7:59:20 AM
I can gain friends at work or anywhere for that matter. The funny thing is remaining friends implies an existing friendship, but since two people have just met each other, what would be the point of developing a friendship where the two people agreed to meet with the intention that it could turn romantic. Then to insult the other who obviously was interested in getting to know that person by suggesting there could be a friendship, but nothing romantic/sexual is just that -- an insult. I agree that I would've been really hurt if I had agreed to being friends and then thinking it was platonic, he made a move to sleep with me. OH, HELL NO! So I'm good enough to ****, but I'm not for anything else. No thank you!
 ArticLife
Joined: 2/25/2010
Msg: 23
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Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/15/2013 9:38:21 PM
There's always a bit of resentment, hard to avoid that. It's not anyone's fault though, and in the long run it's best.

What I hate is girls that string guys along, acting like they're into you, but they just want the attention or free meals and crap. That's disgusting. If you aren't into the guy be honest but direct about it so he knows.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 24
Friend Zoned
Posted: 3/18/2013 4:02:12 PM

Does it hurt your feelings to be friend zoned when you think there was chemistry with the person you've met?

Well, it's not a positive. :) It = not being attracted to you. Aside from sizable personality mismatches that may stick out on a first date/meeting, it's all about looks. So yes, that's why people's feelings are hurt. They literally aren't good enough in the eyes of that person. Nobody wants to hear that, so yeah, kinda sucks. But to other people who are as good looking or possibly even a little better looking than that person, you will be good looking enough.

It's not at all purely random, though. If you aim for guys who are out of your league, you're going to get a lot of guys who see you as not good looking enough. If you aim for guys who are below your league, you're going to get a lot of guys where you don't see them as good looking enough.
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