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 crystaldenise29
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 1
First time dating as a single motherPage 1 of 1    
I am new to the dating scene as a single mother and feel clueless. I get worried about who my ex is going to date and bring around my kids, and I am skeptical when talking to men. I am willing to listen to any advice about dating as a single parent.
 Pete2205
Joined: 3/18/2011
Msg: 2
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First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/7/2013 4:17:16 PM
I can only speak as my daughter finds it. She has a two year old and at 21 has to handle the fact that her ex is now with someone else. She herself is dating a nice guy so both have moved on relationship wise.

I think its natural that you both should be concerned about who comes into your childs life and at what point they start becoming involved. Its also easy to make judgements on the person your ex is seeing and come to instant conclusions about wether they are the "Right sort of person" to be part of your childs life.

My daughter was wise enough to find a baby sitter when she started dating her new guy until she felt comfortable about introducing him to my grandson. Only you can decide when that time is right and no matter what your ex might think or you might think of his choice of girlfriend you both have to accept that its not what you think that matters - You each have to trust each other enough to make sound sensible decisions with regards your childs welfare.

My daughters ex wasnt happy when she started dating a new guy and became very insecure when she finally introduced him to her son. He became even a little petulant when he discovered that my daughter was allowing her new man to stay over sometimes and have fun with my grandson. Thats just his insecurity and for him to deal with.

Your child at some point will have a step dad and a step mum. In a perfect world both parties accept that but of course there is always the odd bit of parential petty rows about need to be dealt with.

If you can actually talk to your ex then there is no reason why you cant ask about who he is dating and if he intends to introduce them to your kids. You have every right to be assured that she isnt Cruella De Ville or some child hating vixen that despises them for being part of your Ex's life.

Unless the guy you date is involved in your kids life then your ex has no business knowing all the details about who you are seeing - When the time comes when your new guy is a potential step dad then of course you need to be more transparent. Until then dont get hung up on dating as a single parent. You are as entitled to date just as any girl without kids is - Your only problem is baby sitters :)
 MsMaureenw
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 3
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/8/2013 3:34:28 AM
Please do not feel clueless. Is there anything specific you would like other's experiences on?

My ex moved out of state when we divorced and only saw them every other weekend. That was the only time I dated for the first two years. The first man I introduced them never stayed the night per my request. The girls adored him. My little one was devastated when it ended. She cried for days. He and I were still very friendly so he would still come visit and bring her doughnuts through the transition and that worked for her. He and I are still good friends.

The second one I was involved in ended up moving to another state and I'd not go with him. Again, my younger one was devastated. He was extremely wonderful. He would stop at a bakery days in advance and have them make adorable cupcakes for her. Little things like this he did for all of us. He is a rare special man.

Anyway, my point is, children get attached. It is hard on them. They expect a person to be around for a long time and actually accept that unless they have been conditioned otherwise.

As for your ex, oh goodness. My heart goes out to you on this. Honestly, there is nothing you can do about who he dates, unless you have it written in to your divorce decree or this woman is harmful to your child.

To battle this, educate your children as much as possible. My girls and I took private lessons for street fighting/self defense together. I knew they would be able to protect themselves as best they could.

I also had a supervisor of the bus company come and teach them all about public transportation and how to get to safe places. They rode the bus and actually went to the these places. They knew how to get to the library, the police station, my house, and my ex's house. I bought them a ticket for ten rides that does not expire. My little one keeps in behind her cell and case so she always has it. I know that if something happens, they can get to a safe place. I also know, God forbid, any reason my car breaks down they also can find warmth and shelter. However, we have plans and a backup plan in place and this would be a last resort, but I feel some level of comfort knowing if the worst happen they can get to where they need to be and be safe.

I have a friend that is a child psychologist who I had talk to the girls about proper behaviors out of adults and what to look for.

The best advice I can give you is to arm your kids with information and keep those lines of communication open. Never bad mouth the ex or the other woman. And, if you start to see bad behaviors, just document it and make sure you have all the details: date, time, weather, who, what, where, how. Keep the emotion out of it or write that in your diary.

If you and your ex are on the same page, you will be able to address the concerns. If not, just know you've done the best you can to raise them. What you have taught them now, will aid them in the future.

It is really difficult for another woman to assist raise your child. For a while there, my daughter was not washing her hair everyday as this woman did not. Her hygiene was lacking as well, but she got through it.

The other women will not be like you. Remember, most decent people will have the child's best interest at heart and will do nothing to hurt them. Yes, they might be different and take time to get used to, but remember all people have value and your child may learn something absolutely wonderful from this woman. Plus, I've always felt the more people that love you, the better you are off.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 4
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First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/8/2013 10:51:52 AM
My daughter has not gotten attached to my BFs. I am not sure if it is just different personalities or if the hopes and expectations of the mom are picked up by the kid.
I have no set waiting time to have him meet my kid. One BF met her before we ever started dating.
I think maybe it helps that i have other adult friends that come over for dinner, or stop by and say hi.
The fact is all through our lives people will come in and out.
On weekends i didn't have my daughter my X BFs and i have spent the weekend together and they have stayed over maybe once a week when she was there. The 3 of us did things together at times. I guess she has a good dad so this was just her friend.
My BFs also didn't go out of their way to pay tons of attention to her to impress me or anything. Which is good. She would have missed them way more if they were always bringing her stuff.
After we broke up she asked about them a couple of times but never got upset.
She does like having visitors and asks me when i am going to get a new BF. Lol!
 crystaldenise29
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 5
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/8/2013 11:51:38 AM
I guess my problem is I don't even want to think about step mothers/step fathers, how people's feelings might get hurt and all that. But, I also don't want to be alon forever. I don't want to confuse my kids and I really don't want another woman playing mother to my kids. It's all too confusing for me! I also don't know when or how to meet a new man, I am home with my kids most of the time and work. I am only free Friday nights when they are at their dad's house.
 LoveBeautifulDays
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 6
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/8/2013 3:56:34 PM
Im not bringing men around my children until I know its serious and I know we are going to be headed down the aisle.
Im keeping my children away until I know its real
IMO
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 7
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First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/8/2013 4:41:15 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^
I understand this train of thought but you would have to date some one for at least a year (or at least i would) before thinking about living with/marrage. So after a year, you are going to completely change up the relationship he is used to then what if he and the kids don't click?
That is at least a year of your life down the drain.
Just something to think about.
 Football11234
Joined: 2/24/2013
Msg: 8
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/8/2013 6:16:00 PM
You have to accept that will happen eventually. My ex has introduced our daughter to his girlfriend. They have contact and since it's longterm I am fine with it. It will happen, it's a question of when. Start talking to new men, and if you must be cautious keep it away from the child until it's been a while that way you won't have to worry about someone else playing father.

Are you over your ex?
 crystaldenise29
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 9
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/9/2013 5:51:26 AM
Am I over my ex? No. I'm not. But I don't know when that will happen. He started hooking up with women the week he moved out.
 Football11234
Joined: 2/24/2013
Msg: 10
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/9/2013 6:12:55 AM
I don't think you should date if that's the case. I don't think going through heartbreak puts us in a level headed clear mindset. Use this time to better yourself, be active. After my ex left I lost 50 lbs, because I put all the excess energy into working out, and not into pity (some nights it was terribly hard not to cry all night).
 Just___Jim
Joined: 10/21/2012
Msg: 11
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/9/2013 6:45:13 AM

I don't think you should date if that's the case. I don't think going through heartbreak puts us in a level headed clear mindset. Use this time to better yourself, be active.


True, if only we were patience enough before wasting so much time for temporary band-aid relationships,
when freshly divorced etc and fall into the 'rebound mode' before the ink has dried on the last decree.

Revenge may be sweet but to heal first is much more rewarding.
good luck
 crystaldenise29
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 12
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/9/2013 7:01:52 AM
I just bought an exercise machine myself and hope to do the same. I was at a good point, going out and getting over him. Then he approached me and said he missed me. We spent time together for about a week. He told me he wanted to be with me again, and I was happy. Then suddenly, he stated he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me or if he wanted to stay single and broke my heart all over again. But, he continues to talk to other females... it hurts to know he can push me from his mind so easily. It feels like all the progress and work I had made on myself all got erased and then some. I'm not sure what to do to try to get over someone.
 Pete2205
Joined: 3/18/2011
Msg: 13
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First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/10/2013 1:50:03 AM
Crystal I am sorry but he is hedging his bets.... He wants the single life and to be able to go with who he wants when he wants. At the same time he wants you on the back burner so that if he feels like it he can pop back into your life a and when it suits him. Thats no good for you at all but while he feels you are in love with him still and knows you will take him back in an instant he will do that.

Your relationship as you want it to be is over and accepting that is hard for you. Its like a death, you are all over the place emotionally for a good while and you ponder on the past and all the good times but there comes a point where you have to look to the future. Like a bereavment you have to allow yourself time to grieve before you move on into a new phase of your life where you are no longer clinging to aspects of your previous life with him.

Its also not fair on guys. One might fall totally in love with you and then you patch things up with your ex and he gets dumped. Your not over your ex so any new man is really just being used as a comfort blanket and plaster to help you heal - Then what?

WHEN the time comes when you ARE ready to move on then, with regards meeting other blokes, there are many places you might meet one - Even if you can only get out one night a week. There must be single parent groups near you - Guess what? guys go there too! You never ever know where and when you might meet someone new. It could be the park, the shops, on a bus. Its not all bars, clubs and beaches.

What many people fear is that they will never ever meet someone again to share their life with. They worry that no one will want them or find them attractive ever again. They NEED to be in a relationship to prove to the world that they are wanted by at least someone. Plus its that fear of being on your own, the lack of cuddles at night, the meals for one et etc.

As long as you give off the signals that you are always available to your ex then he will always feel he can pop in and out of your life whenever it suits him or whenever things go pear shaped with a girlfriend.
My guess is that as and when you DO meet someone else then then he will throw his rattle out of the pram, start telling you what you can and cant do, tell you that he does not want his child involved with your new and surprise surprise he may even suggest you give it another go ...
And then of course once the new guy is gone he will start to feel "its not working once again and step out of your life ...Until another guy comes into it. The old "I dont want you but I dont want anyone else to have you" phrase comes to mind.

In short:
He wants his freedom
He wants to be a dad as and when it suits him
He does not want you to move on and get another bloke
He wants you there just for times when he needs a friendly fvck or at a loose end
While he dont want to be with you he sure as hell dont want another guy with you

Crystal ..Take your time getting over him, start getting involved in activities that will get you new friends (male AND female) . The more you fill your life with people and things to do the less time you will have to dwell on the past. IF by some chance you bump into a guy and have a date then take it as just that. Dont look for the next long term relationship right now. Instead look at recapturing your confidence and self belief. See guys as potential friends first, lovers second and long term potential partners last.

Time IS a great healer girl so just accept that perhaps right now this is something you have to go through - Just like the rest of us :)
 crystaldenise29
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 14
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/10/2013 6:34:07 AM
Thanks so much for the response. There are many valid points. And while I know it's all true, it is still hard to make myself not give in. I am trying. The future is scarey for me. The thought of my kids have step parents and step siblings is overwhelming. The thought of him with girl after girl angers me. I know I have to force myself to not call/text him. It's just much harder than it sounds.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 15
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/10/2013 7:15:30 AM
Only you know when you are ready to date.. You should focus on yourself and doing what is good for you. Happy momma=happy child.

If going on a date or two will help you feel better about yourself then go for it. Have fun. But have zero expectations. Otherwise if he doesn't call again (which so many don't for so many reasons) you won't be let down.

I think exercise is a great idea.. but remember it't he relationship ending that you need to face, and it's not always healthy to make changes.

One day at a time and just figure out who you are and what you want. And don't worry about what the ex is doing, that will just drive you insane. Just worry about working with him regarding the child and ignore the rest. No matter how hard it is.
 crystaldenise29
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 16
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/10/2013 1:34:22 PM
Yes, I agree. I told him earlier no further contact unless it is regarding the kids.

As for the exercise, I need to lose weight anyways. This way I can take this negative energy and focus it somewhere else. Maybe that will help me push further.

I definitely don't want a relationship, just to get out of the house when the kids are at their dad's house instead of just moping around.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 17
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/10/2013 3:18:20 PM

I get worried about who my ex is going to date and bring around my kids


Why? The ex is of questionable character and hangs out with the same type of people? He was after all good enough to sleep with and procreate with! I am sure the biggest worry is how you feel you might measure up wit the new partner?


You each have to trust each other enough to make sound sensible decisions with regards your childs welfare.


Very good advice and something people have problems following and dealing with.


I also don't know when or how to meet a new man, I am home with my kids most of the time and work. I am only free Friday nights when they are at their dad's house.


Perhaps you need to see if the father will take them a little more then to insure he has the best possible continual relationship with his children allowing you greater free time to start your own life again? My children saw 5—6 bf’s of my ex….they missed a few…did not like a few…and they adapted and are probably stronger for it….they met 1 gf…..and the rest were squirreled away as they were probably more friends with benefits as opposed to legitimate relationships….


Im not bringing men around my children until I know its serious and I know we are going to be headed down the aisle.
Im keeping my children away until I know its real


And the children absolutely dislike the new partner and the marriage and or relationship suffers failure because the children and new partner were unable to co-exist togther…..you after all need to find out if all parties can live togther.


He started hooking up with women the week he moved out.


A week….a month….a year….is there a difference? My marriage was over perhaps a year before we finally split! I was only hanging on waiting for my children to get a little older so my chances of losing them were diminished. The relationship as with many others was over long before it saw us in different homes.


The thought of him with girl after girl angers me.


Why? Feel sorry for him! He is unable to decide what or who he wants and perhaps will forever be looking over the fence wandering if the grass on the other side of the fence was better!

I can suggest that one of my old girl friends was who I should have married. It was there for me if I wanted but instead I departed and did not return for almost 8yrs. In fact 2 women who I today have greatest respect for who they are or who they seem to be today were gf’s from my early years. And they are on their first marriages still!

But the grass was seemingly greener or wilder….and I did not want what was available to me and went traipsing! One might suggest you learn to like yourself and enjoy your own company and find yourself things to involve yourself in and not ever go back to where you were given up by someone who did not treasure you for what you are and where you will go in the future!
 crystaldenise29
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 18
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/10/2013 3:45:39 PM
You feel sorry for him? Wow. He just recently told me he still wants to see me, while seeing other women. But, I am not to see anyone else. I am just supposed to come at his beck and call when he isn't with another woman. And why do I worry about the women he could date? Because the last one he seen for 3 weeks, claimed a miscarriage and it all was a lie. I was with him for many years, I know how he is... I'm sorry, but you don't.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 19
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/10/2013 7:10:42 PM

You feel sorry for him?


Yep…because it seems he has lost or should have lost a quality caring woman who would have stood beside him through thick and thin?

Unless you want to be a door mat waiting for him to choose what or who he wants this month?


He just recently told me he still wants to see me, while seeing other women.


Well perhaps the pity will have to be moved in your direction if you lack the sense of self worth and self respect that you would allow yourself to be used as a back up plan? The guy left you….he suggests he still wants to see other woman…..cut the cord….let him do as he pleases but not on your dime.

You have a killer smile….your gainfully employed….unlike sooo many single mothers! And far too young for me before anyone starts suggesting I am hitting on you!

Would it be unfair to suggest you grow a little backbone and start walking your own path in life?



And why do I worry about the women he could date?


His problem now…..unless there is serious safety issues in respect to the children you share…his problem…his concern….his liability!

I always figured that to have anger or hate for your ex is allowing or enabling them to have a degree of control over you!
 crystaldenise29
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 20
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/11/2013 3:33:31 AM
Understandable. I always give in to him... I am working on that. I have just recently began putting my foot down and standing my ground. It is still hard though.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 21
First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/13/2013 5:07:17 AM
As a single parent dating single parents, I can give you a simple few words. The kids come first. I have had women tell me that I put my son above their needs. I leave the woman, not my son. A real parent would know what you are going through and make sure that you have time to see them and make the effort to talk to you and make sure you feel like they want to be a part of your life. Here is my rules. This is the guidelines I have taken and will share with you.

1. There has to be some commitment before you get to meet my kid.
2. They are NEVER alone with my kid. I am ALWAYS if and when they do meet.
3. No I will NOT give up time with my kid to be with you. This is a biggie. Never let someone tell you that you have to choose. If they even mention that, then you instantly drop them. If anyone tells me that is cold. I tell them that that it was an insult for them to even mention it.
4. Understand when my child needs me, they need to understand. When my son had the flu, I canceled a date and the woman got mad. "Why don't you dump him at his Mom's" When I told her that this was my responsibility, she stopped dating me. Good riddance!
 Pete2205
Joined: 3/18/2011
Msg: 22
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First time dating as a single mother
Posted: 3/13/2013 11:17:15 AM
I totally agree with the above.... In years to come you reap what has been sown. Your kids will respect you all the more and even be that much more protective towards you having seen with their own eyes how their feelings were always first in your mind. You never get a second chance to bring your kids up but you always get a chance of another relationship.

As and when a new relationship becomes serious then let your kids know, let THEM decide as and when THEY want to meet the new guy in your life. You HAVE to compartmentalise and keep your relationships seperate from your main role of being a great mum.

SimpleCltMan has experience of dating women at a similar phase as you are going through so although yes every situation is different he has learned the same as you will just what is acceptable and what isnt. My guess is that he himself will have had the odd date cancel because the woman in question has a sick child or a sudden parential obligation come up.

In the UK there are several one parent groups, the major one being Gingerbread - I dont know if thats world wide but there must be similar ones in your locality?

Its clear your not quite ready yet to commit yourself to another guy fully ( I bet its the times when your kids are in bed and your on your own with thoughts running through your head that drives you nuts) But joing a single parent group and just having coffee one morning a week will get you mixing with people, both male and female who you can talk to, get support from and establish new friendships with - Why not give it a go?

Well done for putting your foot down a little ,.....keep it pressed to the floor girl :)
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