Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Can you really stay friends with an ex?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Yes, but more like friendly aquantences and it is a good idea to give it a break for a while first.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 7
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/8/2013 5:05:20 PM
My ex-husband and I are good friends. We see eye-to-eye on parenting our daughter, now age 22. We celebrate Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's and Father's Days and all three birthdays together as a little family of three. We have been divorced for 17 years.

My ex-boyfriend Dan and I are friends and hiking partners. We did three hikes together last summer.

All it takes is the ability to forgive, grow as a person and cooperate together. I refuse to hold grudges. It only hurts the grudge-holder.
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/8/2013 5:21:24 PM
I can honestly say I stay friends 50% of the time (or more.) It would be a 100% if some women were not nut cases...lol
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 14
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/8/2013 7:22:26 PM
Yes, you can if you were dating for more than the sex. I have an ex who tells me more about her failing marriage than she may be telling her husband, but there isn't the "so how's your love life, how far are things advancing" question that signifies (as your ex's does) that she wants to know if there's room for her again. We talk as friends b/c we dated for the personality the other person had as much as to get laid.

If the purpose for dating was to do something for your ego or sense of identity, however...then the odds are against you.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 16
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/8/2013 7:30:49 PM
In the completely vast majority of my experiences, it is entirely possible.
I am friendly with virtually every woman I ever dated going all the way back to high school age.

My ex-wife and I are fantastically good friends now, we just couldn't be married to one another.
She even asked me to help make her online dating profile attractive to the kind of men she is seeking to date.
Take it from a guy a full fifteen years older than you...time indeed heals all wounds and you CAN be friends.

Time has a way of creating a pleasantly nice "patina" on past relationships.
All people come and go into your life for a reason. There is no hard-and-fast rule mates can't be friends.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 19
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/8/2013 8:44:46 PM

All it takes is the ability to forgive, grow as a person and cooperate together. I refuse to hold grudges. It only hurts the grudge-holder.


+1

I also agree that it takes a bit of time to get there, but yes, it can be possible.
Thing is.......if she is hoping for a reconciliation.....then staying in contact with her at this point will be doing more harm than good. Keep the contact to a minimum and very casual.
If she can't accept the fact you want nothing more than casual friendship with her......then you will need to cut all contact with her so she can face reality and deal with the breakup.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/9/2013 1:16:51 AM
I myself prefer not to,but do have a friendship with an ex,after not seeing or hearing from her about 20 years... some of them yes,most of them no.

The latest ex was the dumper,and wanted to be friends and cannot understand why I want distance. After not hearing from her for about 18 months out of the blue she contacted me and she fell back into her old ways of ignore,then contact,ignore,contact. I am not a spare wheel or back up plan between the next bigger better deal to come along.

I finally had to tell her politely but point blank to not contact me again. It's not because I dislike her,hate her or anything such as that, just the opposite,it's because she stirs up feelings in me that are not reciprocated and it's an emotional roller coaster. Maybe in 20 years ,maybe not.
 mrsforums
Joined: 6/14/2011
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/9/2013 2:48:26 AM
You had a close, intimate relationship with her for 5 years, so it is difficult to just cleanly cut ties. In order for BOTH of you to move on and recover, you will have to set some clear boundaries.

For example:
1. If you see each other in public, be cordial.
2. Avoid conversations about any new or potential relationships.

Her questions and facebook activity indicate (IMO) that she is trying to maintain a place in your life, but she is only going to be hurt further if you respond... as it may indicate to her that there is hope for rekindling the relationship.

MrsF
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/9/2013 10:59:42 AM
If you had children with her, you would have to find some kind of friendship zone after the relationship was over.

If you do not have children with her, then I don’t see a problem being friends with ex’s, if it’s a mutual feeling; however, I don’t think it’s wise to bring old baggage into a new relationship if serious with another person. I just think it would create issues that would normally not be there, or create a dust up effect.

In other words, I think its ok as long as it’s a mutual decision.

For you OP, she’s been rejected by you and kicked to the curb so to speak. She’s sad and hurt. I think a cooling off period is needed, not for you, but for her. She isn’t over you and you being around isn’t going to make it any easier for her to get over you. Stay away from her.

“Out of sight, out of mind”

Hopefully, she’ll meet someone who really wants to be with her, and then who knows; maybe, you can at least be civil and in a friend zone without the other wishing things were different.

Jan
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 26
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/9/2013 11:16:14 AM

I know there are still feelings there (how could there not be)

How could there not be?? I don't understand..There are many reason..
Anyway..
I am best friends with my ex, so it is quite possible.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 27
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/9/2013 11:28:06 AM
I have done so successfully. It all depends on the people involved. If she's tagging you in old pics on your Facebook, She's trying to play some games. I wouldn't allow it. Just restrict her from tagging you and that problem is solved. Her liking your posts will fade when it doesn't really stir up the crap that she's probably hoping it will. Facebook is great for telling you what women are interested in you. Without fail, it'll be the ones liking and commenting on all your stupid posts.
 Bubbly_Sunshine
Joined: 2/28/2013
Msg: 31
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/10/2013 11:08:27 AM
I think it depends on a lot of factors. The people, the type of relationship it was... that is... was it a kind and healthy relationship or was it a relationship for wrong reasons? Do both sides want to remain friends? Sometimes the feelings are too deep on one side to every feel anything less than love and passion for the other. Some relationships based on sex or other addictions cannot continue as friends because it leaves a door open that should have been permanently closed for a reason.

I think if you and your ex want to be friends, you need to lay down some ground rules of what is permissible and what is not. I have one friend who is a really great friend but every once in a while, he will get depressed and tell me I was the one he let get away. I have moved on, and have to remind him that he was the one who wanted to just be friends.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 39
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/10/2013 7:43:44 PM
Sure you can. I'm friends with most of my ex's including my ex husband and a BF of 9 years. If your feelings are gone for them, it's quite possible..but that's the deal..you have to be sure your feelings are dead and that both of you have moved on emotionally.

What concerns me in your case is that she is questioning you about who you are dating, essentially spying on your FB page (FB makes it almost impossible to move on from anyone these days). You should not have to explain yourself or your social life to her. If you feel you both need some time and space apart so she can digest what is going on, accept it and move on then by all means do so.

I've never had anyone cling or keep bugging me after a break up, so that has made it easier for both of us, and especially once the ex has transitioned on to a new person, ALOT of tension eases up and it's so much easier to be friends...or at the very least remain friendly.

There are no hard and set rules, it's all about what your comfort levels are and how you both feel. But don't let her keep questioning and poking around in your personal life..if anything that is going to kill the friends thing.

Not every relationship crashes and burns like an airshow disaster. Not everything ends in tears and emotional destruction..some things sort of roll to their own stop, and it's time to "get out." I don't have any animosity towards anyone I used to date.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 48
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/12/2013 1:50:30 PM
IMO, it depends on how the relationship unfolded & ended. If she's still asking about girls you are "friends" with, etc... yeah, you can't blame her for wanting to know when she still likes you.

Being facebook friends? That's fine if you guys parted ways amiably and you both don't have much feelings for EACH other. But after a 5yr relationship that isn't the case usually. It's best to part ways, even as friends, altogether for a while. Sure, maybe keep in touch via facebook messages once in a while for full resolution/closure... but when one or both have feelings for the other still, no, not a good idea to be more than non-invasive FB friends. Just keeping-in-touch-if-need-be, and that's about it.

Otherwise you're just going thru a temporary break-up. :)
 purfectblonde169
Joined: 4/16/2006
Msg: 55
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/14/2013 4:41:17 PM
I think you can be friends with your exes . Why be enemies? I have lots of exes that are still friends because there good people. I had fun with them, maybe we didnt work as boy frind and girl friend but too dislike them, no unless they are abusive ordo something horrible . then why not.
 Moon_Rocket
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 58
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/14/2013 9:05:47 PM
Hahaha, hilarious Paula!

Anyhow why should we believe you?
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 61
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/24/2013 7:09:23 PM
short answer? NO

long answer.....after years pass, maybe but still probably NO

I'm not even FB friends with my ex. don't need to know what he's doing and he doesnt need to know what I'm doing.
 Darkhawk36
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 62
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/24/2013 7:17:43 PM
Absolutely not. Anybody that tells you otherwise is just plain lying to you.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 64
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 3/25/2013 1:57:28 AM
It's always easier for me to move forward if I cut an ex out of my life completely.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 66
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/10/2013 12:46:37 PM
Sure you can, when both are over the relationship.

You can say to her that you promise to try to be friends with her as soon as SHE has a new boyfriend or is completely over you because until then, her attraction to you and her keeping a check up on you, is making things difficult for you to act naturally around her and your shared friends.

Tell her you need to be yourself without worrying about her, and until she can keep her comments and accusations and "looks" to herself, you doubt it will be possible. You need to act naturally to be friends with someone.
 rissignol
Joined: 9/5/2013
Msg: 67
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/10/2013 1:58:36 PM
I think it depends on the person. Both people have to be very mature, because otherwise it will just be drama.

I'm friends with a lot of women I went on dates with, but it just felt more like a friend relationship than a romantic one, so not really an ex.

I think a lot of people stay friends with an ex because they harbor some sort of fantasy about reconciliation. Which can be dangerous territory if they are in a relationship with someone else.

Sounds to me like she still has a thing for you. If you become friends, keep in mind this could throw a wrench in things when you pursue other women. And also, it's kinda cruel to allow her to think you may get back together, so if you're going to be friends, you should definitely clarify your intentions.
 pamioakley
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 70
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/10/2013 7:11:42 PM
I don't think there is an easy answer to that. I remained friends with several men I've dated and I value their opinions to this day. Perhaps it was the dating experience with them that pointed us in the direction of friendship. I'll never be friends with my last b/f, however. I lost respect for him during our relationship and respect is necessary in friendship IMHO. Sometimes, when it is over it is over is absolutely true. Other times, when it is over a better thing can happen.
 robertr499
Joined: 7/29/2013
Msg: 73
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 3:52:02 AM
I'll tell you a story about when I broke up with my first love.

It was really amicable, we decided to remain friends (we had mutual friends through uni and were gunna run in to each other at mutual events) and wished each other well. I spoke to my stepdad about how happy I was about how clean the break up was and that we were staying friends. I was met with the response "nope, can't be friends with an ex. trust me". I gave a reason why this was different and "nope, can't be friends with an ex. trust me" was the reply. I gave other reasons and got the same response. I was young and naive and disliked his response.
Things were great and we saw each other a month later at a friends birthday and everything seemed fine. Then the inevitable happened and things started to fall apart.
In summary, trust my old man's advice of it being absolutely impossible to be friends with an ex and both of you remain emotionally fine. Trust me ;)
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 74
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 5:47:39 AM
This is up to you. But if you've broken up it's not her place to question what you do and with whom. This seems to me that she doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to want you either.
You CAN be friends with an ex (I am with an ex after a 30 year relationship) but it didn't/doesn't happen overnight. It took years so the feelings that led to the break up can dissipate and you have reclaimed your life. Maybe you can let her know that right now you should completely break up (NO FB/texting/calls) and maybe later...maybe.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 76
view profile
History
Can you really stay friends with an ex?
Posted: 10/11/2013 9:07:21 AM
My partner is my priority in life. Obviously he is male. I wouldn't want to do anything to make him feel insecure. It might be nice now and the to chat with an ex but not at the expense of making my partner uncomfortable. My partner's feelings are paramount in my life....not the need to chit chat.

People who talk about the ex, talk to an ex, etc. are just sowing seeds to undermine their current relationship. The most important element in getting a man to be there foryou is to make him feel secure and to know that he can trust you implicitly. It's been like that since caveman times.

People who claim not to mind or be concerned about contact between their partner and an ex are much, much more stable and secure than I am or the people I know. We live in the real world of people with real feelings.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Can you really stay friends with an ex?