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 AUTHOR
 Charmofthe_South
Joined: 3/6/2013
Msg: 1
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etcPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I have been on and off this site for a couple of years. I have changed my profile around from the text being humorous, serious, to the point, etc. I've changed up the photos in a lot of ways all in hoping to find the trick for being successful in meeting someone I have at least one thing in common with - someone who's photo I find at least somewhat appealing and attractive and someone within a short distance from me. What puzzles me is how so many email me, are so interested, just want to eat me with a spoon, lol. Then, we get to the meet and greet moment, and it all falls apart. It's not that I don't represent my photos well. I hear a lot of you look just like your photos. There's the basic sit and talk, have a coffee etc. After a bit, the guy is exclaiming how he would like to see me again, could we go out. I almost always text afterwards how much I enjoyed meeting them and look forward to getting together just so they know I did like them I wasn't just talking. I usually get the same back, yes you're fabulous etc. Then, I never hear from them again. What I discover is they change their profile and literally disappear. They never call me again or write me. What is it when they meet me in person? I can't figure it out. My best friend told me they can tell I'm not an easy piece, I'm a sincere decent person and that's what they're not after. I have had so many issues like this happen this is why I put my photos on private. I just feel like all these guys who have dissed me, see me here still looking, its a little embarrasing to me actually. They must not be embarrased though they are still out there with their profiles ablazing! Ideas please. If my profile, pictures and all is so good they want to meet me, then why the heck after they do meet me they disappear?
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 2
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/15/2013 9:50:18 PM
Meh...I've had the same kind of stuff happen...all the build up and excitement, the guy saying he had a great time, etc etc then poof..he's gone. Sometimes their profile remains up (many are still up after almost 4 years) and some do vanish, removing their profiles completely.

At the end of the day I chalk it up to a few things you already may have thought about:

1. Once the guy actually has a date with you he may find he just isnt feeling it, so, to be nice, he continues to act enthusiastic and may even say he will call again, then he slips out the back door.

2. Some guys are hoping for some quick action, then when they don't get it, are on to the next prospect.

3. Some people are "chronically single." They go on date after date after date, singles party after singles party. The singles scene has become their actual social life, not a means to getting into a relationship and leaving it behind. They will never leave it, this is their life.

Here's the ultimate bottom line with online dating: It is ADDICTIVE. Long ago, back in the 80's when I first started dating, we didnt have databases with thousands of people to choose from day after day. You had a smaller pool of people, and had to make the effort to strike up face to face conversation.

Today, people are so addicted to the "maybe the grass is greener" thing that I think alot of people go out on a date then rush home and immediately get back online to see what else might be out there. I think this..and this alone..is the key to the failure that I see online dating as being. The addiction to it. I also think this explains the endless date after date, year after year thing. Hey..why settle..they're always more, new people to check out. One day that perfect person is going to come along..why settle for this one?

I think this is toxic behavior, and destructive to our ability to learn to be patient, to be intimate and to be realistic. We are literally ordering up people like fast food now, then wadding up the bag and chucking it, only to get hungry again for something else after a few hours.

Don't turn the blame inwards. It's the system that's screwed.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 3
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/15/2013 9:54:43 PM
Please take your profile to Profile Review.

I have no idea why men disappear after you meet them. This has never happened to me.

It sounds like you need to screen men more carefully before meeting.
 MrMeSir
Joined: 2/17/2012
Msg: 4
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 1:30:15 AM
exctly what tall IQ2 said, you sound a bit full of rules and regulations, more like some big wound up task. no one wants to come home to a second job, people want to come home to a person who makes them feel good. you might be nice and all, and a good person to spend some time with, but being all wound up definitly doesn't attract partners. you need to shake the standards and simply be.
 H0wAboutIt
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 5
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 4:01:46 AM



Meh...I've had the same kind of stuff happen...all the build up and excitement, the guy saying he had a great time, etc etc then poof..he's gone. Sometimes their profile remains up (many are still up after almost 4 years) and some do vanish, removing their profiles completely.

At the end of the day I chalk it up to a few things you already may have thought about:

1. Once the guy actually has a date with you he may find he just isnt feeling it, so, to be nice, he continues to act enthusiastic and may even say he will call again, then he slips out the back door.

2. Some guys are hoping for some quick action, then when they don't get it, are on to the next prospect.

3. Some people are "chronically single." They go on date after date after date, singles party after singles party. The singles scene has become their actual social life, not a means to getting into a relationship and leaving it behind. They will never leave it, this is their life.

Here's the ultimate bottom line with online dating: It is ADDICTIVE. Long ago, back in the 80's when I first started dating, we didnt have databases with thousands of people to choose from day after day. You had a smaller pool of people, and had to make the effort to strike up face to face conversation.

Today, people are so addicted to the "maybe the grass is greener" thing that I think alot of people go out on a date then rush home and immediately get back online to see what else might be out there. I think this..and this alone..is the key to the failure that I see online dating as being. The addiction to it. I also think this explains the endless date after date, year after year thing. Hey..why settle..they're always more, new people to check out. One day that perfect person is going to come along..why settle for this one?

I think this is toxic behavior, and destructive to our ability to learn to be patient, to be intimate and to be realistic. We are literally ordering up people like fast food now, then wadding up the bag and chucking it, only to get hungry again for something else after a few hours.

Don't turn the blame inwards. It's the system that's screwed.



Unless he explicitly said let's go back to my place that whole idea that a man is just after action is played out and the kind of thinking that's outdated and is about as relevant as baggy jeans.

In online dating, more times than not, it's also that they could have just found someone who they were more into than you. Oh we'll. Chalk it up to the fact that it comes with the territory and move to the next one.
 horses44
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 7:57:21 AM
Here's my take on this - it happens

I have become pretty savvy over the years in communicating with gentleman and by and large when we get to the actual "meet and greet" it fizzles - and NO it wasn't that he misrepresented himself in his pictures or that he isn't an articulate man...just that elusive "vibe or chemistry" isn't there. More often than not we finish up with him saying "I will give you a call" sometimes I say - ya know I don't think there is much for us to work with here and usually they looked relieved :). There is the occasional I will give you a call and I figure they are just being polite (yes that topic has been beaten to death - the old "why do you say you will call and they don't) but back to topic we "both" know that there will be no phone call

Men see you online - who cares? Do they think you are a "loser" since you are on here...guess what they are here doing the same thing :)


I go to meet and greets with what I think is a realistic expectation - that through no fault of either one of us the magic or whatever you want to call it is not there
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 7
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 8:17:55 AM
+1 VolcanoKing. I agree with all three points. I met another one of those guys the other night,. The meet and greet lasted 3 hours. We laughed and had a great time, then poof, he is gone. I no longer take it personally because of the very points you make. So many of them are flakes and hooked on dating, Always looking for the next best thing as life passes them by. They will never know who might have turned out to be a great catch because for the most part, they quit after one or two dates. If they were not really interested, grow a set and say so. I am not sure what kind of long term joy this kind of dating produces, I however find it pathetic.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 8
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 8:51:41 AM
Not really sure why you think you or your game plan, essay, pics & all, are the problem. I can understand if you had 10 BF's & they all dumped you because you were a lousy lover, but clearly nothing like this is the case. It is what it is & it's a full time job weeding out players & the like. We all get taken by them at times but you shouldn't blame yourself as if your doing something wrong.

Also, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. Nothing about this has changed other than a woman's perception that it somehow doesn't apply to online dating. A majority of meets don't pan out & many (both genders) are just being nothing more than polite if agreeing or reciprocating sentiments, even to a follow up message.

I think your doing everything right. Meet, express positive sentiments if you must & even follow up with a text or email, but your going wrong by not leaving the ball in their court & over thinking as to why. What or if they do afterwards shouldn't be relevant to you since what you should be doing is meeting others.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 9
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 10:35:34 AM

What is it when they meet me in person? I can't figure it out.

We can't either! We'd have to meet you in person.

TALL IQ2 may be on to something - coffee meets have worked for many, but for others they're more of a chore. I myself do not care for them and have determined not to go on any more when I begin dating again. They're just not for me... I find that it really does feel like a job interview and is utterly unromantic. Maybe you could try doing something else as a first-date activity; worth a go, right? It won't hurt.

Also, this is nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone has dates that seem to go well and then just don't work out to be anything. Please try not to let that bother you! It happens all the time.
 Magritte_101
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 10
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 2:48:56 PM
Great topic. I have a theory. I've been on and off for several years. I usually last a month, throw a shoe at my computer, and cancel my membership. I come back. A lot of us have a similar story.

Anyway, I'll get the, "you look better than your pictures", "this is the best date/meeting", bla, bla. I have a theory, as I mentioned: we develop a mini relationship BEFORE meeting, and the meeting is the end of that. A guy can become infatuated with (extremely important ...) who he THINKS you are. You will never live up to what he has imagined. Even when it turns out good. You're not the girl in his head, because he made you up, based on emails and phone calls. It's an INVERSE process (sorry, I'm capitalizing so much). We don't earn all the little details. When you meet someone, in real life, just learning their name is a big deal. You see them, then "Hi", or smile first. Every little step is earned progress. He/she exchange a phone number - you'll put that little paper in a special place, if it works out, you'll have that little paper in ten years!

Another thing, for me (maybe I'm the only one who feels this way), but things like favorite things to do, favorite color, what I'm interested, are first, intimate information. I don't want everyone knowing my favorite place, or color. My family knows those things.

Making a long story shortened, I think meeting, is actually a let down. And, people don't know how to make the transition. Especially me. I'm uncomfortable in first meetings, because the person knows too much already.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 11
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 2:51:58 PM
^^ That is an interesting perspective.. you may be on to something here.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 12
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 2:55:05 PM
Excellent points, Magritte. I think it's helpful to meet sooner than later for very much these reasons, but this effect is still somewhat in play then, too.
 Magritte_101
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 13
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 3:05:29 PM
You're right. Plus, I thing the site can become the guy's (I'm a woman so don't know on the other side) girlfriend, or relationship. I also think, it's like gambling. You're not supposed to win. The send new matches and alerts, so the person keeps checking if any greener grass has grown. Getting dates isn't really the problem. It's the disappearing act, after they've said how great you are and how the date went so well. If you feel it starting to affect your self-esteem, walk away. You can take what you've learned here, and use it in the real world.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 14
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 3:24:31 PM
From reading the forums, to me it seems as though sometimes there are problems in regards to communication between people. The girl is sitting at home wondering if the guy really likes me. The guy is sitting at home wondering if the girl really likes me. Both people are counting the number of days between communication and nobody is willing to communicate directly because they don't want to be perceived as needy or desperate.

If I like a guy, I will suggest a fun date. I don't wait for him to chase me down. If he says he can't make it and doesn't offer another day to get together. I don't continue pursuing. However, since I am pretty good at planning dates, I usually get a "yes".

When I am dating, I will rotate my pictures and add new pictures every week. I also don't keep my profile open all the time especially when I've met someone and started to date them regularly. Also, you can change your username if you feel that you need a fresh start without closing your account.
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 15
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 4:20:23 PM
It's all a communication problem not some vision that us guys have concocted in our heads that the reality doesn't measure up to. That's just complete nonsense! Us guys are simple creatures for the most part. We want to date "real" people not people that put up a facade. Southerners are like that. I've lived in the south for 10+ years and what I noticed about the people is that they act one way but are usually somebody totally different once you really get to know them. Like many guys, I like a down-to-earth woman not someone that puts on "airs" which to me always seemed like someone was acting like they were better than everyone else around them. So fake, it makes me puke. Not all Southerners are like that, but many are raised to "act" like that in public, even at family get togethers. It's such a huge turn off. We want to know you and if our first impression of you is the "southern belle" image, we'll be polite just like you are but never reach out again.
 LathaMath
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 16
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 4:25:30 PM
OP: Your profile contains very little information and no photo. That means you will be going on a lot more unsuccessful dates. They tell you they are impressed because of their Southern Charm. Don't believe it. Actions speak louder than words.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 17
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/16/2013 7:16:49 PM
Whoa Dontaskme.. I am a southern gal who is anything but a phony. I dont have a facade, nor do I act differently or snobby. I am down to earth, in fact cut my own grass ( 2 acres) fix most of the things that break in my house and have done some pretty awesome home restoration. I am a lady in public and have my lady-like ways, but I dont put on airs. There are nice people from thew north and the south. I have lived up north for many years, although I have southern roots. None of my southern friends are snobs or rude or fake. I have personally found more phonies and snobs in the community where I live now than I ever did in the south. I think its a matter of how you were raised. I was never raised to be disrespectful, yet have found numerous men I would never consider a gentleman who who born and raised in the north. So watch your stereotyping of people.. there are way more nice southern women who are none of the things you describe. I know, I have many friends in both the north and the south. I cant think of one person I ever dated who would categorize me or any of my southern friends that way.
 Albvs
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 18
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/17/2013 9:44:59 AM
I've actually said in a first date before "okay, no dating questions". Meaning: I don't want to be interviewed/measured, etc.
 Peachx22
Joined: 8/11/2012
Msg: 19
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/17/2013 12:51:59 PM

Here's the ultimate bottom line with online dating: It is ADDICTIVE. Long ago, back in the 80's when I first started dating, we didnt have databases with thousands of people to choose from day after day. You had a smaller pool of people, and had to make the effort to strike up face to face conversation.

Today, people are so addicted to the "maybe the grass is greener" thing that I think alot of people go out on a date then rush home and immediately get back online to see what else might be out there. I think this..and this alone..is the key to the failure that I see online dating as being. The addiction to it. I also think this explains the endless date after date, year after year thing. Hey..why settle..they're always more, new people to check out. One day that perfect person is going to come along..why settle for this one?

I think this is toxic behavior, and destructive to our ability to learn to be patient, to be intimate and to be realistic. We are literally ordering up people like fast food now, then wadding up the bag and chucking it, only to get hungry again for something else after a few hours.

Don't turn the blame inwards. It's the system that's screwed.



You are soooooo correct, it's not even funny!
 funnygirl2no
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/17/2013 1:26:34 PM
this site is addictive. i use it for fun like playing solitaire, a game. But getting down to business forget it. THese meetings are worse than job interviews. I am always cordial and write nice emails after wards and don't get reply's. Guys want a sexual attraction. Thats what they imply. I make it a friend type thing and it's just like meeting someone anywhere except they know way too much about you which makes it uncomfortable. I have never had a good computer date that went past one or two dates . Just getting me out of the house so I can do something else while Im out. That's all I get outta POF . Sad place for me. Too much rejection is bad for self esteem. Dangerous I try to stay off it for my own well being not to mention it could be Jeffrey Dammer who shows up to meet me. Bring mace on all dates with strangers no matter how nice they sound on phone or emails. Be Smart and Alive!!
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/17/2013 1:47:58 PM
Top 2 Reasons why I disappear.

No chemistry
No fun

Not particularly in that order


Back up to Tall IQ again..
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 22
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/17/2013 2:34:11 PM
I am with the majority as far as for the women(I have no ideas about men), they for the most part are addicted to these online sites. No, I am not feeling sorry for myself, like I say, look at the many that agree. You get a few emails if that many, and then they are gone, without getting to know whether they have interest or not. That is the broken thing right there, it is one thing to form an opinion about someone once you talk or meet them, it is another when you have no clue about a person by doing so. I find these sites terrible in that regard. It isn't going to change and I take it for what it is, nothing more. There are no guarantees as far as being a match with a particular person, that isn't even what I am talking about............
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 23
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 3/17/2013 3:46:02 PM
Bottom line: Meet early on and don't build up a month-long e-mail/text/phone relationship. But if as a men you insist on meeting fast, you may come across as a perv or otherwise scary.

To me the outcome has often been inversely proportional to the time spent before the meeting. The same is true for sex - the longer you wait with 6 or 10 day rules, the less likely it's going to be good. No sympathy here for ladies who screen and stall and procrastinate only to complain that it didn't work out. Plus, meeting early keeps expectations low, so it's easier to brush off a mismatched date.
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 24
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 2/22/2014 3:07:08 PM

It would appear that the male species are more inclined to do this sort of thing, or am i wrong and females can be just as bad? I personally would rather explain my reasons as to why i did not wish to persue another date, or relationship or am i in the minority with a situation like this?


Not a gender specific issue. Many women do the disappearing act as well. Some women have texted me after a date and said things like "you are a sweetheart", "I had a lot of fun", "we should go out again". When I called them to set up another date, they wouldn't return my calls or we would make plans and they cancelled at the last minute.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Puzzled: Disappearing Acts, Questionable Motives, etc
Posted: 7/11/2014 11:00:48 AM
I don't think there's a way to avoid the flakiness of people today (especially online).

My thing is, if a woman does not want to meet up (or appear to me, to be sincerely be creating an opening in her oh so busy schedule) within a week of e-mails, then she is not for me. I have a very strong dislike for 'Nervous Nellies', scaredy cats, and the type of woman who has put herself in a position to have been hurt enough, to where it causes this type of behavior.

Anecdotally, (and if reading these forums count for anything), I would guess that 80 or 90% of the semi-attractive females on this site, between the ages of 35 & 45 are separated, damaged, and/or otherwise emotionally unavailable. They would not meet and/or escalate with George Clooney himself or a male model. They miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight do a meet, just for the ego boost, but then their, "What if he doesn't like me?"/"What if he dumps me, just like the last guy did?" insecurities get hold of them, and.....................................

Never met up with anyone from POF. 2 recent e-mail experiences (both appeared to have been brand new to the site):

1) An interesting (and highly complimentary on her part) volley of e-mails late on a Friday night/early Saturday morning. 10am Saturday she sends me an e-mail that reads, "I can tell you will be so much fun to talk to. Call me xxx-xxxx." I live in another state from this person, but it's less than an hour drive (not a problem for me). Assuming she can read, she knew this from jump. I thought it odd that this woman would proffer her phone number so quickly. For some reason (just a hunch, nothing concrete), I got a vibe like this woman is separated and/or recently out of a relationship. Anyway, I e-mail her back that I can call her Sunday morning OR Sunday night, which would she prefer. She writes back, "Anytime". According to her profile, this woman had 2 fairly young children. Right then, I did not like the, "Anytime" answer. I am a proponent of the saying, "That which can be done at 'anytime', will be done at no time." Needless to say, I wrote that I would call her Sunday evening around 8pm. I did that. She picked up and hastily said she was, "busy". We had another volley of e-mails a few days later. Never heard from her again. All this, from someone who offered up her telephone number, unsolicited, within a few hours of e-mail convo. I am an outstanding conversationalist, but............................................

2) Saw a woman's profile. Physically, she was my 'type'. She was no 'spring chicken', nor was she glamor-girl gorgeous. She just had a pleasantly friendly face. She had, what appeared to be, recent pics of her and her girlfriends out at a local resort area for her birthday. I e-mail her. She writes backs a few sentences (which by online standards, is earth shattering). A couple e-mails later (same day), I ask her about restaurants she would recommend in her area. I am NOT a "foodie". I eat to survive. I only asked the question, as a harmless way of generating some convo (since nowadays, for whatever reason, people seem to hate the "interview" questions that have worked for a 100 years). Anyway, she writes back that she is not too much of an eater, woo, woo. I write asking her if she would be receptive to "getting to know each other" and taking this from e-mail to the telephone? I was also deliberate in writing that, if she would prefer to keep it at the e-mail level, for now, I was cool with that. Never heard from her again. My point? My pics did not change (in either instance). Both of these women answered my e-mails immediately. Both of these women volleyed multi-sentence e-mails. Had she (the second broad), given me a half a chance, we could have discovered that, among other things, NEITHER one of us are big eaters or into food, for more than sustenance. While I found her physically attractive, there is NOTHING else to have found attractive about a person who makes such flaky judgments that they would not want to invest 30 minutes of their life into a meeting.

Could they both have been e-mailing multiple guys simultaneously. Absolutely! But again, I am not interested in a woman who is so undiscerning, that d@mn near any guy on this site is a compatible 'match' for her. I am delusional enough to believe that there are a handful of women out here, who are looking for something so specific (yet, realistic), and that they are not susceptible to the, "any port in the storm" mentality.
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