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 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 1
Caught off guard by a NarcissistPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I just wanted to ask, mostly the ladies, if you have dated someone you met on this site and realize that they had a severe personality disorder? I ask because I had never met anyone like this prior to this person, and came to find that he was a narcissist.
 vibrantshe
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 2
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/17/2013 8:51:37 PM
My ex-husband is a Narcissist. Very often they are difficult to spot because they don’t actually have a personality of their own so they will take on yours. This will often make you feel like you met the perfect person for you because they just became you. Please run from this person like your hair is on fire. It will not end well for you if you involve yourself with a Narcissist.
 fiery_blonde
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 3
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Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/17/2013 9:19:48 PM
I'm confused. If they are a narcissist, why would they take on someone else's personality? I thought narcissists think that the world revolves around them and they get joy out of staring at themselves in the mirror type thing.
 vibrantshe
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 4
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/17/2013 9:30:45 PM
Yes, they think that they are superior to everyone and that they can so easily take advantage of anyone they want to. But they also have not self-awareness and don’t get how really empty they are. They often have a feeling of uneasiness unless they feel they have a “one-up”. They have to interact with other people. This is why they often get so angry when their spouses leave them.
 Space_Weaver
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 5
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/17/2013 10:16:00 PM
I loathe when people come on the forums and try to make an unprofessional psychiatric diagnosis of a person. The answers so far are criminally fallible.
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 6
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/17/2013 10:18:00 PM
Well, I truly believe you. This relationship was very short lived. I understand now that I did not give him what he wanted. I said stuff like wow why you act like that, the world is not revolve around you. I did not understand what he wanted and he immediately devalued me. it did not take long at all for him to get very upset with me.he ended up scaring me very much because I understood what he was saying was very sick.I ended up looking on the internet some of the things that he did and said and that is why I understand what he was.I was so naive that I thought a lot of the things he said was his attempt at being funny. They were so outrageous that I could only think they were things to laugh at. Wow, that is not something that narcissist enjoy.he actually did not have a sense of humor at all. I laugh it so much stuff that I think that I just made him so angry. This was quite a frightening experience and I am so glad that I learned about this disorder.
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 7
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/17/2013 10:20:26 PM
Space, I am not a professional. This is true however this is what I think he was. I can only tell you that he was a very disturbed person and I do not need to be a professional to know this.
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 8
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/17/2013 10:30:07 PM
Oh Vibrant, I understand exactly what you mean. He was very kind at first and really figured out what my weak areas were. Then he would be the person who I think he thought I needed. This like I said did not last long because I was not a good source of supply.
 jc91607
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 9
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/17/2013 11:08:05 PM
Space Weaver might be right in that people in this thread might be practicing psychiatry without a license and without the proper training. However, you often do not need a Ph.D. to know something might be very wrong with someone's personality. You should, however, not try and get too involved in a situation unless you are properly trained. If you think a person is crazy and can harm you in any way, whether it be through violent behavior or even just manipulative behavior, just get out of the relationship and lose that person.

I never spent a day in medical school, but if I see a 65 year old person complaining of severe chest pains, I am probably not too far off in guessing that person might be having a heart attack. Most cardiologists would probably agree with that assessment. It would be careless for me to jump in and try to perform open heart surgery, but it would be prudent for me to call 911. Likewise, it is not wise for anybody here to try and psycho-analyze the problem or treat it. However, it is prudent to tell a person who thinks they are dating someone with a severe psychiatric disorder to get professional help and/or leave the person they are dating for their own safety.
 Space_Weaver
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 10
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/18/2013 2:40:21 AM
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which the individual is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity. This condition affects one percent of the population.

Symptoms of this disorder, as defined by the DSM-IV-TR include:

Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation
Taking advantage of others to reach own goals
Exaggerating own importance, achievements, and talents
Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance
Requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
Becoming jealous easily
Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others
Being obsessed with self
Pursuing mainly selfish goals
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Becoming easily hurt and rejected
Setting goals that are unrealistic
Wanting "the best" of everything
Appearing unemotional

The DSM-IV-TR is like the bible for Psychiatrists. I think they are up to volume 6 now. While this is pulled from a web site, it is up to a professional psychiatrist to do a proper diagnosis.

@ SantaAnita and jc91607. I agree with you. If your gut instinct is telling you something is wrong, then it is wise not to pursue. We also should note that to label a person on an untrue and undiagnosed basis when they may not be can have a negative impact on their psyche. It's like telling a child all their life they are worthless when they are not, yet after hearing it many times, they start to believe what is being said about them, thus starting to act in accordance to how people perceive them.

A Portrait of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 11
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/18/2013 7:28:59 AM
Space, I agree with both u and JC. I wrote this thread because of the absolute shock of meeting someone that had the traits u listed. No empathy was the strangest of all to me. I no longer have contact with this person and I never will but I truly believe he was
a somatic narc. I am even touching on the stuff he said that made no sense to me until now. Most of it was when I would ask how he felt about things and he would say, I don't process like that. The worst part was the end when he was raging. The reason for my thread is just wanting to hear from others that met someone like this because these people leave u in a state of confusion.
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 12
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/18/2013 9:06:57 PM
Eleuthero, the part about taking on someone else's personality in the beginning is absolutely correct. They act like the person they think you want to see because we are usually attracted to people similar to us. Secondly, I started this because of this persons confusing behavior that ended up being quite abusive. Space described the traits of this disorder above. How me asking if anyone else has encountered this is making you upset, I really don't get.
 fiery_blonde
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 13
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Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/18/2013 9:43:57 PM
You said 1%? Well, that 1% must all be from Orange County. You just described 3/4 of the people here. lmao
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 14
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/18/2013 9:53:34 PM
LOL. Hey, thanks for lightening this up! If it is only 1% that makes sense cuz this is the only person I met like this.
 thisiscrazy45
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 15
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/19/2013 6:16:29 PM
yes.... i wonder if its the same man.... lol...
very dissapointing and frustrating..... i had also never met anyone like this person either. very cunning and charming only to result in selfishness and awkwardness as he started to unfold.... again, very disspointing... lessons in life can be unsettling
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 16
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/19/2013 7:08:25 PM
Hi thisiscrazy, you are the reason I started this thread. I wanted to talk to someone else who was just as taken back as me. I am not even angry at this person even though he got very ugly. I know he doesn't even give a second thought which is why this kind of person is so confusing. I can actually laugh at some of the things he did or said because I was so oblivious that I really thought he was joking. I have learned to start listening!!!
 Latticuss
Joined: 7/10/2012
Msg: 17
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Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/20/2013 10:50:47 AM
I've always had a different definition of narcissim I guess. Basiclly, someone who is not interspective. No capacity to ever admit mistakes. Anytime something goes wrong, it's always someone someone else's fault. Is that what you are talking about?
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 18
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/20/2013 2:02:11 PM
Hi Latticuss, yes that description fits as well. The most overwhelming quality was the lack of REAL emotion. Not even a sense of humor. Again, all of this came out towards the end when the mask was slipping.
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 19
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/21/2013 9:36:58 AM
Eleuthero, I am not trying to offend you. Yes, I am not psychologist. I have said that is seems to ME, that he had NPD. His actions gave me this opinion of which everyone is entitled. I disagree with you that most people cannot connect with other people's emotions. This person could not connect on any level. Actually said to me that he does not think that way. He thought that everyone was talking about him. Even if it was negative he liked the idea that people were talking about him. He always kept things on edge, ( gas lighting ). Again, this behavior happened after the intial phase. If you are a former psychologist then you should understand how a person might feel at meeting someone who seems to have had NPD. I have met a lot of people in my lifetime but this was very different. This is why I am asking others if this has ever happened to them.
 lostcausein
Joined: 3/16/2013
Msg: 20
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/21/2013 10:00:35 AM

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which the individual is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity. This condition affects one percent of the population.

Symptoms of this disorder, as defined by the DSM-IV-TR include:

Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation


Sometimes I may get annoyed , depends how much confidence I have in what's being criticized. It also depends on WHO is doing the criticizing , are they being a hypocrite ? Too critical ?


Taking advantage of others to reach own goals

Goals ?


Exaggerating own importance, achievements, and talents


Ha ! Might as well try and convince others the sky is purple while I'm at it

Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance


Doesn't everyone do this from time to time ?


Requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others


Only when I'm on fb



Becoming jealous easily


Only if my SO has been neglecting me


Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others


No way - I do have a conscience, so I'm good on this one.



Being obsessed with self


Does constanst self criticism count ?


Pursuing mainly selfish goals


Goals ?


Trouble keeping healthy relationships


I'm here aren't I ?


Becoming easily hurt and rejected


Only if it's someone that I find very attractive and think " Please be the one to get me off of here finally" and she doesn't respond



Setting goals that are unrealistic


Goals ? I gave up on those a long time ago


Wanting "the best" of everything


I gave up on that a long time ago


Appearing unemotional


No, I can become emotional if provoked .

So... I guess I pass the test....hmmm...maybe I'm the opposite ?
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 21
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/21/2013 10:49:54 AM
Well you sound very nice and I hope you find what you are looking for. : )
 Rabbitman49
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 22
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/25/2013 5:26:27 PM
re: #3 - I'm confused too:
If they are a narcissist, ...
" If they are a narcissist," then he's schizophrenic, not narcissistic. He can be his own best friend too! ;-)

Obama is a narcissist. He has to stick his nose into everything, even when he shouldn't. His self-importance is infinite.
 santa_anita
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 23
Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/26/2013 11:50:24 AM
ohblahdee123,

Thank you for sharing your awful experience with me. I feel the same way about the red flags that you do. I honestly think because I was married for most of my life that I had very little experience with men. I also never heard from the man again after I told him that I would never contact him again. I also look back at some of the behaviors that was mentioned how a narcissist behaves and ask myself how did I not see how odd this was? Never again will I miss that.
 Beechgal
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 24
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Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/30/2013 10:58:03 PM
My exBF (met on here!) was text book NPD. The first few months they "love bomb" you to suck you in. You can not believe how lucky you were to meet a wonderful guy who you click with so much. They make it seem like you have everything in common & he is the man of your dreams. It is all fake. Then they start with the crazy making (gaslighting)...little lies that start you doubting yourself. They are serial liars. They are able to keep the crazy under wraps until you are under their control...very skilled and smart manipulators. My guy was super smart & if you met him you would think he was the nicest man in the world. The mind games they play are very subtle at first. NOTHING is ever their fault...they will try & turn everything around on you with their circular conversations. he would take the most innocent thing & out of the clear blue sky start raging about it...molehill into mountain. The crazy was intermittent so at first I would chalk it up to the stress of his job etc. Brainwashing going on too.
They are very hard to spot at first...very clever con men. If you start to see red flags...run like Forrest Gump. They can do a lot of damage. I am still suffering from PTSD from my experience. And to top it off, he was a major cheater (which I didn't find out until we split)--they feel like they are entitled to everything & everyone. I didn't even know people like him existed let alone that I would fall for one. My head is still spinning.
BTW...online dating is a favorite trolling ground for their prey.
 Beechgal
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 25
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Caught off guard by a Narcissist
Posted: 3/31/2013 2:02:16 PM
E
You seemed determined to dispute & minimalize everyone's experiences on here for some reason. I couldn't care less what you think. I & my therapist know what I experienced and I chose to tell my story to warn other women how easy it is to fall for these men regardless of age. Blame the victim is your mantra. You don't know what you are talking about--not one single bit.
The implication is not that YOU should take my word for anything but maybe that you should restrain from blaming and criticizing victims of abuse. I don't see how your calling someone's experience "nonsense" or "dramatic" is contributing to the conversation. I suppose if you have nothing of any substance to add is your way to stay relevant....at least in your own mind.
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