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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > My journey from being a "Nice Guy"      Home login  
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 Beatlesnerd
Joined: 10/8/2010
Msg: 1
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My journey from being a "Nice Guy"Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Long story short, at least until I get into the details. I've been the typical "Nice Guy" for so long and I thought I'd never get away from it. I've lost relationships being much too accommodating and rarely standing up for myself. Four months ago, after my last relationship ended, I decided it was time for a change. I'd no longer be a pushover running to a woman's aid. I'd let my sarcasm and crassness get me the respect that I deserved. After the initial recovery phase I decided to put my new personality forward.

It started out slowly, standing up for myself was something I wan't used to or good at. The biggest piece of advice I can give here is to fake it until you make it. I can't say I became a non-nice guy very quickly. I had to take a stand against, friends, family, and people I work with. Mostly, I had to gain their respect. Showing someone your true colors after being a chameleon your entire adult life is a difficult thing after all and not everyone will continue to like you afterwards. I lost friends during this process but realized that they never really got to see the true me ever so they only had this concept of how well I could blend. It hurt at first but I realized that I was making new friends, people who actually saw who I was, and respected me for it. True friendships and true bonds. I held off worrying about dating whatsoever until I knew that I had the confidence to go on.

The next step was to start doing things that would make me happy and to start taking risks. I've always played life safely and by the rules and to be perfectly honest, I was boring. I didn't have any crazy stories other than a few college drinking days and little to no life experiences. I immediately started to take risks. I went sky diving, jumped off the strat tower in Vegas, bungee jumped, anything with an adrenaline rush. I started geocaching for exercise and fun. I started saying yes to things I never would have ever imagined doing.

Thirdly, I started to take care of myself. I swore off of soda and focused on low-cal and no-cal drinks. I've lost 25 lbs since I started working out and eating healthier. I still have about 40 pounds to go but I now have the confidence to know that I can do it. I bought new clothes that actually fit, hit the racks at tj maxx or marshall's and started to present myself better while on a budget. I stopped neglecting my hair, learned to use styling products and wearing just the right amount of decent cologne.

After doing all these things I noticed that women started to smile at me, they'd hold eye contact... I was finally able to catch glances. I learned to speak with women, how to flirt, how to not give into their demands. I learned to chase and pull back to play the game of attraction. I've always been funny and quick with a sharp response in my head but as a nice guy I would hold back. I learned to let these thoughts out because I finally had confidence to realize that if someone didn't like me for me they weren't worth my time. It used to take me months to attract a woman, now I was doing it in a night or a couple of days.

I learned to not be afraid of fitting in, that there are hundreds of people I come across a day that share my interests. I learned not to settle. I got a promotion by being straightforward and with new ideas against the common grain. I went from being a slight extrovert to a full fledged in your face with attitude man. Not arrogant, not****, not an a-hole, but demanding what I wanted and taking leadership. I learned to overcome fear. And most importantly I learned to be happy with myself.

I won't get much into what this has done for my sex life other than saying it has made it dramatically better. I have the confidence to take control, to actually make a woman want me. It's led me into the beginning of a great relationship actually founded on two equal people and where I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in and take control without being controlling.

I know this is long but I wanted to give power to all those "Nice Guys" out there that you too can make a change. You can stop trying to please everyone around you and can please yourself. You can gain confidence, respect, and admiration without being everyone's emotional dumping ground. Stand up for yourself, what you believe in, and take control of your life.

I seek no admiration or strokes of my ego for this post. In fact I'd prefer if that didn't happen at all. This is just simply advice to help other men that are in a situation that I was in.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 2
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/21/2013 9:15:25 PM
I hope other nice guys read this.

There is hope!
They can be saved!
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 3
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/21/2013 9:21:19 PM
Nice. lol

Welcome to the club. This may be the first non-pity nice-guy thread in a long while. I hope others follow your lead so that the whining on the forums finally stops.

(You didn't seriously think that anything on the forums goes uncommented, did you?)
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 4
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/21/2013 9:25:29 PM
Very interesting read. Nothing wrong with being assertive.
One would imagine the behavior change comes naturally now.
 Beatlesnerd
Joined: 10/8/2010
Msg: 5
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My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/21/2013 9:45:20 PM
Go ahead and google it. It won't come up other than here.
 independant_thinker72
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 6
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/21/2013 10:40:09 PM
i usually don't read long posts such as yours but it was excellent, and lots of it also very familiar. great job!
 Cobaltism
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 7
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/21/2013 10:52:09 PM
What you describe that you were does not ring as a "nice guy" to me, but I guess we all have different concepts for different phrases. Personally I think you just had very little self-confidence and self-esteem, and you finally found your self-worth a bit, and made some changes. Nice guy I don't think has anything to do with it, but that's just my two-cents.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 8
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My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/21/2013 10:54:55 PM
yeah yeah,,, good on you.. you grew a pair.. something you should have had all along.. now swagger on down the road.


really.. Go on with your bad self.
 Insanity_Inc
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 9
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 5:13:59 AM
So really you went from being a passive aggressive pushover to actually being a nice guy? Good for you. More "nice guys" should do that. :)
 vizio63
Joined: 3/17/2013
Msg: 10
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 6:53:21 AM
Great post....I too used to be a nice guy but I changed that after I got divorced and decided to make myself happy. I did this for quite a few years and found that the smart aleck, quick witted comebacks drew the attention of women. I'm not sure why (who can figure out why they think the way they do?
I haven't been in a relationship for a bit now and I've fallen back into the nice guy syndrome. I just decided that I'm going to change that AGAIN.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 11
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My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 6:59:42 AM
Msg #10 +1

Insecure doesn't = nice guy.

Good post!
 vizio63
Joined: 3/17/2013
Msg: 12
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 7:42:19 AM
I've found that being a nice guy always ends up with women putting you in the "friend zone" which you can never escape from.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 13
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My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 9:48:02 AM
Good post. It is possible to be kind without being a wimp.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 14
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 10:33:22 AM
Start taking risk
Stand for what you believe, regardless of how unpopular it may be
Don't be afraid of failure, rejection, even ridicule
be happy with your inner self


Good job dude.


The sad part is that all the self proclaimed nice guys and losers that frequent the forums are driven by their mind-limiting thoughts instead of a willingness to explore the possibilities for the fear that they may fail.

Fail. Try again. Fail. Try again.


And one day it happens, even without trying.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 15
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 11:31:49 AM
Whatever label you want to use - it's about personal empowerment. Proving to yourself that YOU can DO things makes all the world of difference in confidence and behavior. Once you realize that 'power supply' comes from within, it's only a matter of changing your mind, and world around you will change as well.

People think it's about just making a statement of resolve - a claim - an argument for yourself - that's all B.S. - it's all about action - it's making a statement by what you DO, not what you say. Good for you, and good luck down the line. Tell us when you're ready to run for President.
 a_lonewolf
Joined: 5/21/2010
Msg: 16
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 1:36:09 PM
2013 version of the add on the back of old comic books. "The insult that made a man out of mac"
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 17
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 2:17:48 PM
the first step to not being the doormat is realizing...you're doing it to get something, and you won't get it doing it that way. There's a difference between BEING nice, and ACTING nice. giving in all the time is what you do hoping it will buy you something. it will attract women who use their own "currency" hoping to buy what they want in life (but won't do for themselves). real women aren't interested in the "nice" guy who is just trying to get something by being nice. and yes, its pretty obvious, like the guy who holds the door for the hot chick but not the old lady behind her.

being boring never helps, you can avoid that without taking wild risks. but if you really want to take wild risks, then be yourself--and be smart about it. the person who travels to a far land, then sits on the beach like they could do at home, ain't interesting.

neglecting your hair and odors lets people know what you really think about yourself. why should they like you, when you don't like you? When I was in school, I didn't chase trends. It got me respect and admiration b/c I wasn't fake,but it didn't get me dates either. People knew what they'd get from me, but that didn't force them to want it.
 NonamousDog
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 18
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 3:13:47 PM
Started taking risks, eh? But you swore off soda, sugar, etc., because you're afraid it will damage your health.

You just started playing it safe by a different set of rules, that's all. Yep, you're a real Bad Boy now. Get yourself a black leather jacket so the girls can tell what a real rebel you are.........
 ReadBeforeWriting
Joined: 9/30/2012
Msg: 19
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 3:22:23 PM
Excellent post.
Amusing to me how some fellows comment in a disparaging way. Bitter, I guess.
Good for you. Nice guys are not hot.
 NonamousDog
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 20
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 3:47:24 PM
Nice guys probably aren't bitter and disparaging, either.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 21
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 4:09:11 PM
Judging by the post OP went from being a "Nice Guy" to being a more outgoing "Nice Guy"
I don't get it! Its not like you went from nice to jerk. Sounds like more a journey from being shy to outgoing.
just saying. People are making the term Nice sound like a bad thing
 StealthGlider
Joined: 3/9/2013
Msg: 22
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 4:50:13 PM
Doesn't sound like you're describing the typical nice guy ... to me.

Sounds like you're describing a male with high empathy, putting others first and some self sacrifice. Which of course is a food thing on occasion but over time certainly limits yourself from just doing the things you want to do. Of course, when you put yourself first more often, you'll always be more content and more happy ... cause you're living your own life, gods or bad.

Typically nice guys are:

either

putting on a nice guy act and expecting something in return for that.

or

simply being nice since they currently have no power or are in a weak position. Can't risk not being nice.



Sure, you'll always lose some friends and gain some friends with any significant change. That always happens, nothing to be concerned about.

Sounds more like you just decided to put yourself first more often.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 23
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 7:04:32 PM


People are making the term Nice sound like a bad thing


Nice is not a bad thing, the problem is that the self-proclaimed nice guys rarely are.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 24
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 7:41:53 PM
I must be missing something. All I got from this is that it took him 29 years to grow up.
 rockstar_ocnj
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 25
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/22/2013 8:49:32 PM

Nice is not a bad thing, the problem is that the self-proclaimed nice guys rarely are.


No, quotes like that are. You know whether or not your nice. The question is, does the person on the other end deserve to be treated nice? Against very popular belief, there's nice guys out there who have a backbone, just like how there's the "bad boys" who are pacifists. Where we're hitting this problem is these stereotypes. Now I'll say I'm nice, I go out of my way to help whoever I can, after losing everything I owned in the hurricane, I was helping other people clean out their houses, I believe in treating people the way I'd want to be treated... But beacuse I pointed out that I was nice, that means that there's a good chance I'm really a jerk? And if you believe me that I'm nice and have that same opinion, by reading through these forums, you'll get a very quick idea that I don't take anybody's crap.

But so many of you made up your mind before ever actually giving that other person a chance. And that's why so many guys like the OP decide to change who they are to impress a woman. Be honest, is it really worth having to put on the show, and change your entire personality just to get people to believe that you're datable?

Personality just matters way too much to a lot of women. But it's not personality in the way of morals and stuff like that, but in how well you hold up that tough guy confident act, which is a social death-sentence to anyone who just isn't confident enough. And like I said in another post, when you keep getting rejected over and over again, possibly never having a single date your entire life so far, what is there to be confident about when it comes to dating?

You know the famous catch 22, you need experience to get a job to get experience to get the job? Well, you need the success to get the confidence to be successful. Something a lot of you need to understand about the guys that lack confidence, who have the integrity to be themselves and not put on an act to impress you.
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