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 SunnyMusicLover
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 1
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared himPage 1 of 1    
Hello. Unfortunately, the reason I divorced my ex is because he hit my kid (one incident but that is enough) and he hit me, and he bullied us for several years. When should I tell a new guy this? How can I identify the kind of guy who won't run away because of the bully behavior of my ex? I have little kids and share custody. I am sad that my lover got freaked out about the ex and disappeared. My former lover still texts and tells me he cares but he went totally M.I.A. when he heard the restraining order against my ex has expired. I don't want to fall in love and then watch the man run away because of a bully ex husband. It hurts to not be dumped for you, but for the behavior of some fool I divorced who thinks he owns me. I hate drama, I really do. I want to attract a really strong, protective, passionate man who loves to stay the night and enjoys being with a woman who runs hot and has a sense of humor. I don't want to live in the past or live in fear. (I am not dating through this site, just on the forums). Any ideas? How do I know if I guy is right. Yes the situation sucks.
 SunnyMusicLover
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 2
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 5:59:55 PM
I REALLY do want to know how soon to tell a new guy about this. I am too honest to let it go too long. I have not even dated anyone but the lover that ran away for 20 years so I really am kind of a neophyte at when to tell a guy the disturbing details. I knew the lover in high school, so we will remain friends. But I am moving on. I need someone who can stick by me. I know the ex husband will create more drama, but it is his hobby, not mine.
 harnless30
Joined: 2/11/2013
Msg: 3
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 6:03:25 PM
Sounds like an excuse to end it all without having to go through a break up.
I have to admit that is a lot of drama. Its hard to start a new relationship with a crazy guy lurking around.
If a man really cares for a woman he will stick with her through thick and thin. jmo
 buterfly41978
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 4
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 6:13:21 PM
Wow, that does sound like a lot to deal with. Is it possible that you can resolve some of the "drama" before starting a relationship? Do you need a restraining order anymore? Does the ex still "bully" you currently?

The only other advice I could give is to think about relocating if your ex is really that disturbing to your current life.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 5
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 6:15:38 PM
You'll need to select stronger personalities as dating partners.
It won't hurt if your newest boyfriend is also of the 300-lb benchpress / 500-lb squat variety.
Good luck with your situation.
 Pete2205
Joined: 3/18/2011
Msg: 6
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My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 6:18:33 PM
I guess the guy decided he just didnt need all the drama. Perhaps your ex is three times the size of your lover and a real thug. If your lover isnt one for fighting , or thinks he might end up in hospital then he is clearly going to think about where its all going. Thats commons sense.

He is thinking of the years ahead and the fact that your thug of an ex is going toe be sticking his nose in your life at least until the kids have left home or matured. He is weighing up all the possible drama, rows etc in future.

If you think your ex is still a danger to you or your kids then you need to get that restraining order back. You also need to make it clear to your ex that you will be dating or looking for a new relationship. You know hes a thug but you still need to aware of how he will deal with you seeing other blokes. You dont want to discover that your ex is a violent, jelous man when a lover is hospitalised with a punctured lung, three broken ribs and a busted jaw.

Most men who date dont mind them having kids but will run a mile if they think there is a nutter or violent ex on the scene.. Not because of fear but simply because they dont need the crap
 SunnyMusicLover
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 7
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 6:26:59 PM
I don't quite have enough evidence to get him on a stalker charge and a new R.O. We share custody so I am not allowed to move. I am actually a really fun, easy going, friendly person. It is taking a lot of strength but I am trying to not be afraid and just say.. well he did not attack today, I am safe right now and live in the moment so I don't project fear to my friends and the kids. I say it is okay to divorce when someone hits you and your kid, the exH says no.. I am not allowed to divorce, ever. I did anyway.) How long do I wait in a new relationship to tell someone how plumb crazy the ex is? And.. no I do not want to put my life on hold waiting for a control freak to settle down. I am a very passionate woman who is ready to share real love. I have been in therapy to recover from the domestic violence and I am being responsible. I don't want to live in fear at all. Just love life and share with friends, family and a new special man that I am yet to meet. THIS is exactly what scared my former lover:
The RO expired and my ex husband posted this in my home (months after divorcing him, he re-posted it in my home). (THESE ARE NOT MY WORDS OR BELIEFS, THESE ARE THE EX HUSBAND'S POSTED BELIEF.

"I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed."
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 8
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 6:31:16 PM
Another option is to date a police officer, FBI agent, DEA agent, or similar law enforcement person.
They are far more accustomed to crazed and violent people.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 9
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 6:40:50 PM
If these are the words of your ex-husband, he is certifiable. And it appears that he is not afraid of any laws or law enforcement measures either. I would have strong reservation dating someone with an ex like this, and I am a pretty go with the flow person. For you to say, "he did not attack today" means that you are consistently vigilant for the signs of the next attack. I don't know if I could live like a cat on a hot tin roof in perpetuity, for the sake of dating someone.

I'm interested to know how you were able to get an order of protection against him but yet he was still able to maintain shared custody with you.

I wish you the best of luck. I really do. But until this guy is gone out of your life, I don't know how successful you are going to be in retaining potential suitors.
 buterfly41978
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 10
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 7:08:37 PM

I'm interested to know how you were able to get an order of protection against him but yet he was still able to maintain shared custody with you.


I do have to agree. Something sounds a little fishy. If you divorced because he was abusive to you, surely the courts would not give you shared custody.

Honestly that is a lot for someone to deal with. I can tell you there is no way I would get involved with a man who had that type of drama in his life. I enjoy peaceful and serene environments. I think I feel mostly for the kids involved here. They should not have to deal with such a chaotic lifestyle.
 Pete2205
Joined: 3/18/2011
Msg: 11
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My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 7:38:52 PM
Your ex is totally not on this planet - Have the police seen this notice he wrote??? Has a Doctor?

I can smell your fear in your posts - No wonder your lover backed right off. Your ex is a loose cannon. He is a total horror story with more issues than a jerry Springer series.

If I were you I would move so far away from that guy - Anywhere far away enough to keep that guy from coming anywhere near you or your kids. If that means a family refuge in another city 2/3 or 400 miles away I would do it.

Sorry but with everything thats happened and what is still going on I think the last thing you should be thinking of is dating another bloke - And if you do then your not doing the new guy any favours either !!!

Priority: Safe living environment for you and kids
Finding support and a good lawyer that will get that RO for you and get this man certified.

Relationships - Should not even be on your mind right now - I think you want one just to give you some time out from the madness going on around you. Not the best of reasons.
 SunnyMusicLover
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 12
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 7:52:17 PM
I appreciate what you are saying, but you are saying to run away without permission from the courts and basically kidnap my children and live in hiding. That would only create a very stressful couple of weeks before I got found and put in jail and then the crazy would be raising the children. The only solution is to stand tall, be strong and move on. And teach my children to be strong. They like their father. He can be charming. He "rewrote" history in their minds by re-telling the hitting incident to say it was just a spanking. I know the children feel conflict about it, but they want peace too and they want to like him. I am not even allowed to say anything bad about him or it makes me look bad to the Judge.

It is easy to get temporay restraining orders. Permanent ones require more evidence. I wish I had called the police or gotten some physical evidence when he hurt my child. The injuries physically were not broken bones, but emotionally devastating. I have no evidence. I SAW it, I tried to stop it. But it is my word against his without evidence. So in a divorce trial they don't take custody away with no physical evidence. I know he is a nut. I know he hit me and broke things and threatened. But I did not report it. So that is my very real burden to live with. If I left when he hit me, he would not have been able to hit or bully our children. The courts are not mind readers either. They are used to both sides lying. I actually am an honest person and I want the next guy to know the truth and stick by me anyway.

I like a peaceful environment too. I live peacefully. Most of the contact with the ex is by email. He still tries to bully me. He withholds information and tries to make me fearful. But if he actually does step foot on my property again I think he will go right to jail. I want friends and family to feel safe and relax because really I cannot control the crazy person. He has a good job, he appears normal to most people. Bullies usually act in secret and in private.
I am not a professional therapist, but the punitive man he became, much worse than before divorce, it points to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/angerandconflict/a/Divorcing-A-Narcissist.htm

I cannot help or change him. I just wanted any sincere advice about how and when to tell someone new I am dating why I have to have such strong boundaries and rules about the crazy x. I do not want anyone to live in fear. I have a great capacity to love. Why should I be punished for the rest of my life because the crazy ex thinks he owns me? The last 6 years of marriage were punishment enough.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 13
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 7:56:11 PM
SunnyMusicLover...it truly is going to be an uphill struggle for you.
The reality is that you might need the passage of time...lots of time...to be in a viable dating situation.

If you tell the new boyfriend:
He may choose to voluntarily remove himself from the situation.
His calculation as a guy (likely) near your age is that he simply doesn't need the hassle.

If you don't tell the new boyfriend:
If there is an altercation...or the ex-husband damages the new boyfriend's property...the new boyfriend will similarly depart the relationship. He might also press charges against both you and your ex-spouse if warranted.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 14
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My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 8:03:58 PM
too bad you don't live in arizona. you could just sling a shotgun every morning and then go about your daily business, and you could find a guy to date who does the same.

props to you for wanting to do the right thing, disclosure-wise. i'd say the time to tell a guy is between the point where you know you want to date him and the point where you have sex.

like a lot of other hard disclosures, you want to choose a quiet setting where conversation won't be difficult, and tell him in a calm tone. keep your emotions out of the way; don't start babbling or crying. be brief, stick to the facts instead of cluttering things up with characterizations of the ex and tangential points, and then be quiet and field his questions. don't be surprised if he shoves off, because few men with options and halfway decent judgment are gonna want to date a woman with a built-in stalker. if fact, i'd say a guy is waving a big red flag of his own if he IS willing to risk a confrontation with a psycho for the sake of a woman he just met.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 15
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 8:08:22 PM
I completely agree with you that it is not fair.


He withholds information and tries to make me fearful. But if he actually does step foot on my property again I think he will go right to jail. I want friends and family to feel safe and relax because really I cannot control the crazy person


Unfortunately, that is your current reality. You cannot control the crazy person. Therefore, it is difficult to expect people to feel safe and to relax, when it appears that you are not even able to do it at this point. You having to have strong rules and boundaries about your ex requires a huge amount of personal commitment from someone to weather it with you. But just as it is not fair that you have to live with this, it is also not fair to visit it on someone else when they don't want to have it visited on them, harsh as that may seem.

I don't think people are using this situation to judge you. But the problem is that this is an extremely sticky situation that has the potential to be a volatile and unpredictable one. People are going to assess the big picture when looking at whether or not they wish to pursue a relationship with someone.
 SunnyMusicLover
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 16
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 8:09:30 PM
Eric, I appreciate your sincerity.

Not telling is not an option. It is when to tell. If I am getting more serious with someone and they are ready for a monogamous sexual relationship, then I am going to tell them before that intimacy.
For many reasons. One.. I cannot lie or deceive someone. I was married to a man who saw me as the image he created in his head, not who I really was. That was a cold relationship. It is very important to see and be seen for who we are.
Fortunately I am kind, funny, smart and I get a lot of attention from male passersby. So I know I can get dates, but I am only interested in a real long term honest relationship. So telling is definitely mandatory. I don't want the drama. I just want to move on and forget the rat.
 jc91607
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 17
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 8:14:15 PM

You'll need to select stronger personalities as dating partners.
It won't hurt if your newest boyfriend is also of the 300-lb benchpress / 500-lb squat variety.
Good luck with your situation.


This guy is not necessarily a coward or weak because he does not want to deal with a crazy ex-husband. If I were a black belt who could bench press a million pounds and had all sorts of assault rifles at my disposal and her husband were a 3 foot tall quadriplegic, I would still want to avoid all the drama unless this girl was really really really really really really really really really special.

This lady needs to do whatever she needs to do to get this creep out of her life. Maybe she needs a good lawyer lawyer and to do exactly what that good lawyer tells her to do, maybe she needs to move to another town, maybe she needs to get him to move to another town somehow.
 buterfly41978
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 18
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 8:28:27 PM
Okay, that makes a lot more sense. I think I understand the situation now. I am really sorry you are having to deal with all that. Maybe you will get lucky and he will wind himself up in his own web..

Personally, I would do as Eric suggested and put some time between you and dating. You are right though, you cannot hide from it forever. As far as telling someone you are dating, you will have to make that decision when the time comes, but be prepared for them to spring out.. Honestly, I get the same with just having full custody of my kids. They only go to their dad's for one weekend a month.. (and that is when he doesn't cancel) Most guys are turned off by my responsibility as a single mom. I just refuse to let it bother me, and keep telling myself it will happen for me in time :)
 SunnyMusicLover
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 19
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 8:28:47 PM
I am really really really really special. So is the lover that ran away. I do not think he is a coward at all. I have the deepest respect for him. I would not have been carrying on with him for so many months if he wasn't. What freaks me out is how many women have secretly emailed me and said how awful their marriages are and how they want out and how they just don't have the money to end it. So.. I know for sure that my situation is not uncommon, it is just not spoken about. I am just telling it because abuse gets perpetuated when you don't tell. It might give one person somewhere reading this the courage to get out and go to a shelter and report what is going on so his or her ex does not get custody. And yes, men can be abused too. I know one who was.
 LathaMath
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 20
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 9:27:12 PM
I'd say you need to find someone bigger, meaner, and tougher than your ex, but not a wife beater.
 SunnyMusicLover
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 21
My lover ran off because my ex husband Scared him
Posted: 3/22/2013 9:34:49 PM
I hope you find him soon Butterfly. I think my kids are my greatest asset. Someone will see the whole picture one day.

Funny you should mention that NPD X will wind himself in his own web. That is exactly what my runaway lover said. It appears to be happening slowly like that. He will self destruct at some point.
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