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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Dealing with cigarette smoke      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Advwench
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 1
Dealing with cigarette smokePage 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I've been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks for a total of 4 dates with lots of emails, phone calls and texts when we aren't together. I genuinely like the guy... we clicked really well via those first emails and have a lot of wonderful nerdiness in common, plus there are physical sparks as well. I love how I feel when I'm with him and the look in his eyes when he smiles at me... yeah. I could see this going long term except he smokes, and the smell is already starting to get to me =/

His match.com profile didn't say anything about smoking (didn't specify either way) and I enjoyed our conversations so much, I didn't even think to ask until we had our first meet up planned and I was already excited about it. Stupid of me, I know. He told me he does smoke but is trying to quit and mostly smokes e-cigarettes. I decided to go ahead and meet him because by all accounts, e-cigs aren't SO bad and I really did like what I'd seen of him so far.

Well, thus far he's only smoked regular cigarettes and while he doesn't smoke around me, I still end up coming home smelling of smoke. I even noticed this morning that my bed smells like smoke, strictly because I went to bed without showering after seeing him over the weekend. Is there any way to make the smell of cigarette smoke less of an issue? Other than he stops smoking, of course... that's the obvious solution, but I know quitting doesn't happen overnight.

I plan on mentioning it to him the next time we're together... smoking is on my profile as a deal breaker so it's not as if he didn't know up front. And he did represent himself as someone who's quitting and who doesn't generally smoke "regular" cigarettes. I figured I could deal with it; well, apparently I can't, not as long as he's smoking Winstons, anyway. Any advice on approaching him without seeming like a nag is welcome.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 2
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:17:02 AM
I don't know what to tell you. Smoking is an absolute deal breaker with me.
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 3
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:18:35 AM
I think people who smoke regularly don't realize how strong the smell is. I am an occasional smoker but have never smoked in my home or car and so, if a smoker comes into my house, I can smell it on them immediately.

He might not have intentionally mislead you, despite your profile stating you wouldn't date a smoker and despite not smoking around you. He could actually be fooling himself that you won't know as long as he refrains from smoking in your presence. He might also be kidding himself that he can give up the minute he needs to. Most of the time, none of this is true.

You have already identified that this is as big an issue as you thought it would be and yet, you seem willing to find a compromise so there must be a good connection with this person. It's not nagging to make a statement. It's not nagging to explain your position on any situation and then to allow someone else to respond with theirs.

I think, as this is becoming an issue, if you want to continue to date this man, you need to state your case. You've already had the conversation about e-cigs with him so why not start along the lines of asking how the quitting is progressing, if the e-cigs are working for him or if he's thinking of trying another quitting aid, then just see what he says. If need be, as the conversation evolves, you could mention that you sometimes smell the smoke on him and see what his reaction is. He might confess to sneaking the odd one, he might tell you that he car pools with a smoker, there might be a number of reasons he offers. You can then make a judgement call as to how seriously he's trying to stop, if at all.
 Belluvthebawl
Joined: 2/19/2013
Msg: 4
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:28:03 AM
After watching my Mom die of lung cancer smokers are an absolute "no" for me.
 bottleguy
Joined: 3/22/2011
Msg: 5
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:31:13 AM
He sorta misrepresented himself. Same has happened to me. If you are a die hard non smoker like me, and it sounds like you might be, you are not going to be able to handle the smoking for long. Eventually it will get old.
 DixieGeorgia
Joined: 10/3/2011
Msg: 6
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:31:33 AM
Suggest to him that before the two of you meet each time, for him to try and change clothes from the ones he's worn while smoking and to brush his teeth and wash hands.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:31:42 AM
In dating... you make choices... if you choose to accept this man and he smokes, stop trying to change him. If the smoking bothers you, find someone who does not smoke. This is dating !!! YOU PICK AND CHOOSE... if you say ok kowing he smokes and keep talking to him... then your going to have to suck it up about his smoking and tolerate it. There is no other way. He is what he is !
Why "mention" it ??? you think he doesn't know he lied and trying to BS you? .. take people as they are or stop all communication. That is how you find the right person for yourself ... !!!

If it were me... since I found out he misrepresented the situation of his smoking, it would be bye bye, no more communication.
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 8
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:33:02 AM
I'm in the same position from the other side. I smoke (not in the house), and e-cigarettes are not nearly the same. They may work for a flight or places where you can't smoke for longer periods.

The fact that he does not smoke in your presence is big. It means he is interested in seeing where this leads. You have to prepare yourselves for this (unless you get used to it):
- He will have to quit smoking.
- You will have to deal with his severe irritation for at least a month. Then it gets better.

During that time, your relationship is at risk - I'm not downplaying that. Therefore, I recommend not pushing the issue now, but waiting until you are both sure you can do it. Coincidentally, I may soon be in the same position as I have started talking to a lovely lady, but we haven't met yet. It really, REALLY sucks. And smoking 'occasionally only' doesn't work for most...

"He sorta misrepresented himself."
I disagree. He didn't say it either way (like "prefer not to say") and probably tried the e-cigs. Mine is collecting dust, but I was hopeful when I got it. Plus, if she agrees to a date, it seems not to be a dealbreaker.
 Advwench
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 9
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:37:08 AM
Import - I know he's the one smoking and it's not a coworker... he hasn't tried hiding his pack from me or the fact that he's smoking, he just doesn't do it when I'm standing right there. He'll go outside to grab firewood and take a drag or two. He's not misleading me now, but prior to our first meet he made it seem as if he was smoking mostly odorless e-cigs, which hasn't turned out to be the case. But you're right; being upfront with my concerns isn't nagging. I suppose it would only turn into nagging if he refused to quit and I stayed with him and continued to **** about it. Which I see no point in doing.

I guess if nothing else, I've learned my lesson that when it comes to smoking I really can't do halfway no matter how great the guy in question is.


Wolf - we talked about that irritability when smoking first came up and he said he was quitting. He warned me that he might get mean and say things without thinking if he goes a long stretch without one and I'm prepared to deal with that... hell, he'll have to deal with my raging day of PMS in a few weeks, it's the least I can do. Even though the relationship is new, I can see he'd be worth going through withdrawal with... IF he's willing to do it.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:38:23 AM
I am a smoker. I do not want to date some one who sees smoking as a ''deal breaker''

I want to quit, we all do. Am i going to any time soon? Probably not. It screws up your brain. If given the choice of not eating for a day or not smoking for a day, i would choose not eating. It is a messed up thing.

That being said, what you really need to ask your self is do you really want to date some one who is going to lie and give you excuses to get what he wants. He lied, missrepresented him self, saw that you don't want a smoker but decided to minipulate you instead of respecting that and passing you up.

The question should not be how do you deal with smoking, but do you want to deal with a man who is minipulitive.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 11
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:39:11 AM
Most smokers I know will tell you how EXTREMELY difficult it is to quit. But it's his decision, no one elses. If it's a deal breaker (and it is with me also) leave.
 Advwench
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 12
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:48:29 AM

He lied, missrepresented him self, saw that you don't want a smoker but decided to minipulate you instead of respecting that and passing you up.


He did pass me up, actually, because of the "no way" to smoking in my profile. It wasn't until I messaged him first about something I saw in his pics that he responded and we started chatting, but he said the only reason he hadn't messaged me first was because of my no smoking policy. And Wolf is right... I agreed to go out with him, knowing he's a smoker. He's not solely to blame here. I'm just trying to figure out a way to make it work without giving an ultimatum.
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 13
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:52:28 AM

Import - I know he's the one smoking and it's not a coworker... he hasn't tried hiding his pack from me or the fact that he's smoking, he just doesn't do it when I'm standing right there. He'll go outside to grab firewood and take a drag or two. He's not misleading me now, but prior to our first meet he made it seem as if he was smoking mostly odorless e-cigs, which hasn't turned out to be the case. But you're right; being upfront with my concerns isn't nagging. I suppose it would only turn into nagging if he refused to quit and I stayed with him and continued to **** about it. Which I see no point in doing.

I guess if nothing else, I've learned my lesson that when it comes to smoking I really can't do halfway no matter how great the guy in question is.


It sounds to me like he's kidding himself a bit. Perhaps he would like to quit but he's not yet committed to taking real actions to achieve that. It sounds as if he's trying to accommodate what he knows are your preferences but he's falling short of what really needs to happen. I'm not criticizing him, it's a process and he might not yet be at the stage he would like to be or that you need him to be.

As there does seem to be some interest from both sides, I don't see what harm a conversation can do. It's an inquiry on your part so you can make an informed decision. Since he's not hiding his smoking and since you don't seem to have mentioned it since meeting, perhaps he doesn't realize how big of an issue this is for you.

I'd be upfront if I were in your situation.

There is a prescription quitting aid on the market which allows the smoker to take a tablet each day and they can continue to smoke for the first 10 days (something like that). The objective is to get this medication in their system before quit day. Could it be possible that he's taking this and so the smoke you smell on him, is phase one of this program? It all comes back around to a conversation. You don't know how serious he is about quitting until you ask him how he's tackling it. He doesn't know how serious you are about this being an issue, unless you state that. It might be, that because you haven't said anything since meeting, that he thinks you are fine with things as they are as long as he's trying or aiming to quit in the near future. Unless you tell him that isn't the case, he has to go on your actions which show so far, that you are quite happy to date him even though he continues to be a smoker, as long as he doesn't do it in front of you.
 Advwench
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 14
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 6:55:50 AM

He doesn't know how serious you are about this being an issue, unless you state that. It might be, that because you haven't said anything since meeting, that he thinks you are fine with things as they are as long as he's trying or aiming to quit in the near future. Unless you tell him that isn't the case, he has to go on your actions which show so far, that you are quite happy to date him even though he continues to be a smoker, as long as he doesn't do it in front of you.


You make a very good point here. He probably has no clue. I might be seeing him tonight (unless this sore throat and apparent plague I've got brewing kill me beforehand) and if so, I'll bring it up. I really want it to be in person and not via email or Skype.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 15
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 7:02:57 AM
As a smoker, when I was active here on POF I avoided non-smokers because I didn't want to be apologizing everytime I smoked, nor did I want to do deal with the constant nagging to quit all the time from a non-smoker.

But the LAST thing I would do is try to tell a non-smoker "I'm quitting" when that clearly wasn't the case- as the OP's date did to try to draw her in. Not fair.

LOL...I have a friend here on POF who is a chain smoker and he wasn't getting any replies, so he changed his profile to "Non smoker." I cracked up - he REEKS of smoke, his chain-smoking is nauseating to me and I'm a smoker!, his house REEKS and the walls actually have a brown shade to them from years of smoking with no windows open - and he's claiming to be a non-smoker???? Good luck with that.
 shine1274
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 16
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 7:05:17 AM
Encourage him in quitting. Not all people are the same. If he is taking breaks around, stick around more and the breaks will become greater in between. Then quitting all together will not be as tough. If he cheats once in a while, cut him some slack. I took 2 years to quit gradually with no patches, gum or pills.
 victorianist
Joined: 2/22/2013
Msg: 17
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 7:08:22 AM
He's a drug addict, and like all drug addicts will use any excuse or lie to avoid dealing with the reality that he's a drug addict unable to break his addiction. Nicotine addiction is a character flaw. Smokers smoke because they lack the character or courage to tolerate a few weeks of withdrawal.

If he lied about his smoking, what else is he lying about?
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 7:09:34 AM
Ok so he told you he smoked but he down played it with the E smoke thing and telling you he wants to quit. He also didn't put it in his PF.

After seeing that on your pf if you would have msged me, my smoking would have been the first thing i brought up, as i realize some people can't stand it and i don't want to waste their time or mine.
This all seems dodgy to me.

I actually quit for over 7 years and started again. Sooooooo stupid but it is what it is.

I would tell him to call you after he has stopped smoking completely, for 6 weeks. Not cut down, not that e-smoke thing.

Or get used to it.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 19
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 7:18:14 AM
I will tell you...as an ex smoker...we are all trying to quit.
When I first signed up this site in '07 I was a heavy smoker...always with the intent...I can/will quit
for the right person.
I met under the pretense of a non smoker(Yes..I lied)...I can't tell you if any smelled it...as I never connected with any...past a first meet....some probably did...no one mentioned it.
The one person I remained friends with...was also lieing about being a smoker...lol.
Go figure...I bet theres a lot more.

Anyways....I have quit..been 2 years and I absolutely will not date a smoker.
The odour makes me gag now....
I also realize it is not as easy as people think to just.. quit.
It took me several tries....3 mo. would pass without one...then something would happen and I would start again.
Just trying to let you know.....it is an addiction.

 dobbie101
Joined: 1/24/2011
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 7:22:54 AM
You chose to go out with him in spite of considering smoking to be a "deal breaker". Nobody forced you to do it. Freely you chose.
So...either your needs overcame your curiosity,
or your curiosity overcame your needs,
or your "deal breaker" construct is is in great need of an overhaul,
or you need to rescue him from such a terrible demon,
or you...need ....
or you...
or...
It has nothing whatsoever to do with who he is.
You demonstrated your unwillingness to stand on your principles and now you need to find affirmation that you are right?
 THEMEPACK
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 21
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 7:40:13 AM
Why do some people date others they know are not a match due to the restrictions on their profile....I can only think its for one reason "attention". Well you got it....now you have to deal with your silly choices.....

When I was looking for LT....I wouldn't even date a person who said they used to smoke....there are just too many re offenders.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 22
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 7:43:28 AM
If its a deal breaker for you, end it.. dont expect anyone to change to suit your ideal. I think everyone has a right to choose or not choose someone for what ever reason, however its not ok to force people to fit into your ideal. If he chooses to smoke and you dont like it, move on.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 23
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 7:53:31 AM
The gal I'm seeing was sneaking cigarettes in her car during fall finals week as a stress reliever. I told her that was not going to happen if she was dating me. She switched to those water vapor e-cigarettes almost immediately, and hasn't even touched THEM now since about New Year's Eve.

We cleaned out her car and apartment thoroughly and purged a lot of the cigarette smoke smell. Now, when her nephew comes over to visit (from her sisters' smoking apartment), even SHE can smell the scent on his clothes, and it bugs her a lot. People can change if they want to, but it's NOT an easy addiction to break - so be VERY wary of those who think they can 'just quit' and walk away.

That smoke smell IS nasty, and since there are a lot of non-smoking indoor laws, the smokers DO tend to stand out more - in a bad way - in public nowadays.
 Advwench
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 24
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 8:02:18 AM

Why do some people date others they know are not a match due to the restrictions on their profile....I can only think its for one reason "attention". Well you got it....now you have to deal with your silly choices.....


If you'll go back and, oh... read perhaps, you'll see his profile said nothing about smoking whatsoever. He didn't reveal it to me until we'd already clicked somewhat via email and had made a plan to meet. I went through with it because I liked him and I wasn't sure how much it would bother me... I've never dated a smoker. But we can go with attention if you like =)
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 25
Dealing with cigarette smoke
Posted: 3/25/2013 8:04:34 AM
You know it now and need to decide if you want to deal with it or leave. Not everyone has to quit drinking, swearing, smoking or any other habit for anyone but themselves. Your choice is to either deal with it or move on.
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