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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Seeking real help, please...      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 7
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Seeking real help, please...Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I would have an easier time believing all this, if you didn't come on here periodically, with the same old pictures, complaining about the same old stuff, yet CLAIMING that you've done all these things that have been recommended to you.

If you changed your look and lost weight and all that good stuff, why aren't you posting THOSE pictures?
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 10
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/26/2013 4:52:17 PM
I'm getting a strong 'vibe' that you are trying waaaaaaay too hard to impress people, and are very dependent on others for personal feedback. That inkling of desperation is a definite turn-off.

I agree with others that a Life Coach is nothing more than a waste of money. You need to discover who you are for YOURSELF, and not what your friends, relatives,coaches, trainers, beauticians and damn near anyone else with an opinion thinks of you.

For the time being, get the heck OUT of online dating - the raised expectations and overall cynicism and distrust of people encountering people in an online setting will do absolutely NOTHING productive for your own passions and ideals. You don't need a relationship with another person - you need to discover something within yourself.

I think what you may need is to push yourself to something a bit outside your comfort zone - maybe exercise by biking long distances in one of those 100 mile camping treks, or volunteer on an African Mission trip instead of just the local hospital. You have had plenty of adventures, to be sure - but much of what you described sounds like it's happened in a pretty controlled, safe environment.

I think all you're missing is just that 'one thing' - like Billy Crystal in the movie 'City Slickers' - there's is something out there that will 'snap' you back into a singular existence. By pushing yourself HARD and finding out what you are REALLY capable of doing with yourself, you will find focus, a passion - something OTHER than just meeting people - that gives you purpose. Realizing that idea makes you see how a lot of this miscellaneous stuff about impressing and being friends with everyone is just not necessary, and that meeting someone end up just being a 'bonus' to YOUR life, not your only goal.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 11
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/26/2013 5:15:56 PM
In your posts nothing about how your "life" is, and how you feel about it. I'm betting(and I'm no betting man) that you aren't as "happy" with what you have, thus the reason of your desperate "search", somehow believing that "other" will make the world go round.

I would love to know what the hell that "life coach" is telling you in regards to this "searching" of yours. Honestly, what is he/she saying to you?????
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 12
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/26/2013 5:33:27 PM
(Msg #4. Spooky48) In all honesty, it's 1/2 & 1/2. One half of the profiles are not interesting to me b/c of different aspects.


Reminds me of a time when my dating life was dryer than the Sierra. Any "lady" (I use that term loosely) who showed an interest in me was the last person I was interested in but I realized I was losing my dating ability so I went out with a few. There is nothing more uplifting than knowing someone is interested in you.

Assuming the guy isn't a complete neanderthal he just may show you a good time. It's only dating. You don't have to evaluate the person as a suitable mate/husband/life partner before you go on a date. The point being you keep your dating skills polished. Plus, you get to mingle. It helps give the ego a boost.

If/when things start to get hot and heavy just say you don't have " those" feelings for him. In almost all cases once you say that the guy will disappear and you select another. You just might find one that surprises you in a very pleasant way.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 14
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/26/2013 5:40:04 PM

(Msg #19. Charliesmom21) trying to date on POF is like fishing in a sewer for the most part.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What a glowing endorsement of POF.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 16
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/26/2013 6:01:05 PM
Your smile looks more like a grimace in that photo. You need new photos taken outdoors for better lighting with a real camera, smiling and having fun. Use a smiling head-and-shoulders photo for your main photo, looking at the camera. You also need one full body picture, taken outdoors for better lighting, smiling at the camera. Other photos should be taken outdoors, smiling and doing activities you enjoy.

When you are happy, fulfilled and having fun, men are attracted to you. Volunteer, hike, walk, play music, join classes, get involved in community events: have FUN. Do good in the community.

Desperation drives people away. Have fun in life! Your positive energy will draw people to you.
 Oakphoenix
Joined: 1/17/2013
Msg: 17
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Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/26/2013 6:07:40 PM
Those must be terrible life coaches if all they do is say be yourself and then not help you define who you are and what you want out of life. To be yourself means to be happy with yourself, but in order to do that you need to understand what makes you happy.

Define yourself; figure out what you like to do, what type of personality you have, don’t dwell on the poor choices or the frustrations for not getting the things you want, and think of being in a state of bettering yourself.

Then after you have a better understanding of who you are and what you want with your life, start doing them because you know that makes you happier. Make small but accomplishable goals, think of yourself as always in the process of them, and make fun and enjoyable challenges in your life.

The only person that can make you happy is yourself and once you are happy with yourself, you will want to share that happiness with others. When others share in your happiness, they will share with you their happiness.

Finally, share that happiness with others by talking to people and being friendly with them. Nothing is stopping you from going up to people and just being friendly with them and sharing experiences together.
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 18
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/26/2013 6:08:58 PM
If you don't take yourself seriously, then why would you expect a guy to take you seriously? You need to look after yourself and get in peak health. I'm guessing you've never attempted it. Sure you claim to have lost weight, that's not the same as getting healthy and adopting a healthy lifestyle. Once you become super healthy, you will attract all kinds of attention but until then stop whining and do something about YOU.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 20
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/26/2013 6:35:10 PM
From what I can figure you have desperation oozing out of every pore. Guys see this, sense it, smell it, and they run.
 Jackals38
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 22
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History
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/26/2013 9:08:53 PM
You are trying WAY, WAY too hard and i guarantee guys you meet are picking up on your over eagerness and sense of desperation. Both of which are very unattractive. Also, subscription to a dating site for multiple years (or multiple sites) doesn't ensure you will find a long term guy any more than a subscription to a gym ensures that you will lose weight and become fit. They are just tools to help you get there more efficiently.

As far as advice goes, you are a 39 year old woman, undecided about kids, BBW and religious. The pool of guys that will be attracted to you is not huge. Other than losing the weight, as other have mentioned, the best thing you can do is stop worrying about it so much. When finding a guy becomes the be-all end-all of your life, you are likely self sabotaging yourself without even realizing it, simply because you want it so badly. You've been in a 5 year relationship before, no reason for you to think that it can't happen again.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 27
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/27/2013 7:52:03 AM
When I was 24, I wanted to get married and live happily ever after too. Ten failure-laden years later, I realize that is never going to happen. However, I do think that men wield far more power in this arena than women do. If you, as a man, want to have a successful marriage with children, then it is certainly within your ability to do so. Men are the limiting factor here, so for women it is best not to hope for anything.


The common denominator in that TEN years of failure is YOU. Maybe it's time to stop pointing fingers at the opposite sex and realize three other fingers are still pointing back at YOU. Good gravy, people - I've seen and read a lot in these forums, and it never ceases to amaze me how some people can STILL proclaim it's someone else's fault after a decade of failure.

The power to keep a marriage/long term relationship is found by 'getting along' with the other person - you care and love them no matter what - and you SHARE that simple give-and-take equally. That's it - that is ALL that is needed to make it work. The balance gets shifted out of place for a million reasons - but if you're unwilling to work at restoring it, or you push too hard to 'fix' it, IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.

Having the 'ability' to make a marriage work means absolutely nothing (EVERYone has that ability, no matter how miserable of a life you may have) but if the other half won't share the responsibility, it ain't gonna happen!

Blaming Men (or ANY external factors, for that matter) is not going to help the OP - her character and ability to get along with a partner are off-whack, mainly because she's trying too hard to please people. She needs to restore a give-an-take balance within her OWN life BEFORE she can attempt to do so with another for the long term.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 30
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/27/2013 8:25:42 AM
Your profile picture reminds me of Susan Boyle before her 5 minutes of fame-plain and frumpy. She was in the same position as you concerning romance. Did you show the life coaches your profile pictures? It looks like you put very little, if any, work into your outward appearance. Physical appearance is the first thing people notice and and if they don't like what they see on the outside, they're not going to bother to explore the inside.

I noticed in your profile you listed countries you traveled to. It's an impressive list, but not so much on a dating site. It gives the impression you're a world traveler and want a traveling companion. This will eliminate guys who don't have the combination of money, time and interest to explore the world-especially in your age bracket. Just put in a generic statement that you've done a lot of traveling in the past. Plus I get the impression that if you were to get a guy interested in you, you would smother him to make up for lost time in the dating world. That will drive away a lot of guys away.
 upto277volts
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 35
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/28/2013 9:31:17 PM
As much as people say "you should not judge someone by their looks", it does matter. There has to be some kind of "physical attraction" there for it to ever work. I mean, think about it, how can you be totally in-love with someone if you are not attracted to them? You can not go on looks alone. They can be the best looking person out there and also be a total wacko...
I know for the past 10 years I did not pay much attention to how I looked. I wasn't looking to be looked at. I devoted my time to raising my kids and have been happily independent. In return I've never been approached.
My kids are grown adults and on their own. I now feel it's time to think of me. So, I pay attention to how I look and feel. I am even working on my weight as I know I have a few pounds I could spare to lose. I pay attention to how I dress and actually style my hair.
Since I have gone through this "change" I have become very approachable. And, I get approached.
You have to first give them something to notice you. Your looks is what gets their attention, your brain is what will keep them. Don't be afraid to flaunt your positives.. Something else I have learned is how important confidence is. If you have no confidence in yourself you become very unapproachable.
Style your hair, put on a little makeup, and flaunt some confidence in yourself.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 37
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/30/2013 7:54:06 AM
Spookey, as some others have pointed out, your profile pics are not actually flattering.

How about a make over?

Recently a g/f and I watched that show "What not to wear" and both of us were amazed at what "miracles" professional make up and hairdressing can work.

Not saying to go on that show, but find a good make up professional/hairdresser and see what they can do for you?

Additionally, if your weight is troubling you, get rid of the excess. But that one is to tackle only for yourself, as it's not as easily done as make up and hair, it is a lifestyle change! Which btw might be good for you???
Ok, as someone who never had any weight issues (except when it's dropping below 125lbs), I'm probably not the one to talk, as it would all be 2nd hand, but you can look up professional fitness coaches (i/o life coaches) to talk to and see what they can tell you.

Good luck!

 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 38
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/30/2013 8:01:32 AM

I am very kind of nervous & scared, as childish as that sounds.


Spooky - THIS is the part that hurts your dating chances the most - building up TOO MUCH tension and anticipation. You have to understand for the most part meeting someone in here for the first time is usually a VERY casual, informal affair. RELAX. TAKE IT EEEEEEEASY. Draw a really damn hot bath or something to calm you down. If he calls while you are taking a bath, it's NO BIG DEAL - don't kill yourself trying to answer the phone!

Guys that get too suggestive in a beginning conversation ARE usually very shallow people looking for hookups, so that IS a possibility. You have to realize the 'success' rate of getting a DECENT date from a first message is still very slim - maybe 15% tops - but guys that just want to 'play' you will meet up no matter what. Be WARY, not GIDDY.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 39
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History
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/30/2013 8:02:32 AM
What happened to taking a break from dating and getting your act together, so you can stop being so needy?

One guy, ONE, shows interest in you, and you go off the deep end again.

Nothing will change until you do the work everybody is suggesting you do.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 41
Seeking real help, please...
Posted: 3/30/2013 8:36:09 AM

Guys will never approach you or wish to date you until they are first physically attracted to you. Once you understand this basic concept and you take control of the situation, it will completely change your life.


Bingo!

Well said. This is it. Go to a gym. Start exercising. Buy a bike. Check with your doctor, so you don't injure yourself.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Seeking real help, please...