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 Notinterested5891
Joined: 7/29/2012
Msg: 1
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Bf rarely wants sexPage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
My bf is unlike any guy I ever dated.
When we met, we only saw each other weekends so we always had sex just on the weekend.
I got pregnant and so maybe it slowed down more due to me feeling like a big house after 6 months or so.
I thought that it would get better after the baby.
It hasn't. My bf rarely initiates sex. If it was up to him once a month would be ok.
Ive never been with a guy who didnt want it all the time.
Every timeI try to talk to him about it, he gives me an excuse. When I solve the problem, there's a new excuse.
I know he is not cheating on me.
I'm 27 and he is 34 if it matters.
He tells me he won't go see a therapist with me.
Every time I try to talk to him about it, he basically tells me he is how he is and he won't change :(
 bluefish7070
Joined: 11/28/2012
Msg: 2
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:26:17 PM
go see a doctor when you have a disease.
not being interested in sex is not a disease.

the problem is not the fact that your boyfriend is not interested in sex.
the problem is not the fact that you are interested in sex.

the problem is that you are paired up.

there are several solutions, but i think you can think of them yourself....
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 3
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:29:09 PM
Why does he need to go to a therapist? There's nothing wrong with him. He doesn't need fixing.

His need and desire for sex just happens to be lower than yours. Ideally, had you slowed down and got to know each other before becoming pregnant, this would have become known over a bit of time.

He doesn't need a doctor or a therapist or any medical help - any more than you do. Your needs and desires are just different.

Now, if you can stop pointing the finger at him, as if he's some freak of nature, if you can stop comparing him to your exes, if you can stop viewing this as excuses and see that for him, they are reasons, you might be able to sit down like adults and discuss it. Doing that, in a non-accusatory manner, when you explain what your needs are, you might find him more open to finding a solution which suits you both.

Since you are now parents, you are going to have to find a way to communicate - about any topic - anyway.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 4
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:30:58 PM
Hate to ask this, but how much do you weight?
 tallbrowneyedlady
Joined: 11/22/2012
Msg: 5
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:31:58 PM
He could be a closet homosexual. Sometimes they will have a woman and a family because they want to be straight, but deep down inside they don't. Ambivalence.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life not having sex?
 Notinterested5891
Joined: 7/29/2012
Msg: 6
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:34:52 PM
Import from UK I think you are being a little harsh.
I wanna talk to a therapist to see if there's some way we can compromise on this situation.
He is perfect in every other way but this one and it's hard for me because I really would like to be with him every night...
 Notinterested5891
Joined: 7/29/2012
Msg: 7
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:35:42 PM
I only Wei 5 lbs more than when I met him... Really don't think that's it. Was never skinny.
 candyapplered123
Joined: 2/26/2013
Msg: 8
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:37:49 PM
Maybe he is afraid you will get pregnant again....how was he with the pregnancy and how is he now with the baby?
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 9
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:44:10 PM
How comfortable do you make him, hope you don't nag. What guys want even more than sex but don't know, is to feel comfortable.

Do you ever initiate?

Never skinny? Well, I don't think you need to be skinny necessarily, but if you are overweight, loosing some may help - men do want an attractive partner.
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 10
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:44:34 PM

Import from UK I think you are being a little harsh.
I wanna talk to a therapist to see if there's some way we can compromise on this situation.
He is perfect in every other way but this one and it's hard for me because I really would like to be with him every night...


Whether you mean to or not, you are making this HIS problem and HIS issue. Read what you wrote:-


My bf is unlike any guy I ever dated....My bf rarely initiates sex. If it was up to him once a month would be ok....Ive never been with a guy who didnt want it all the time....Every timeI try to talk to him about it, he gives me an excuse. When I solve the problem, there's a new excuse....Every time I try to talk to him about it, he basically tells me he is how he is and he won't change :(


You are comparing him to your past lovers and feeling he's coming up short. You know that he would be okay with sex once a month and yet you are complaining that he isn't initiating. Why would he if he doesn't want it? You want to go to a therapist - he doesn't. Why does your wish trump his? Why do your needs trump his? If he's told you this is how he is, then why can't you accept that? You are demanding that he goes against his needs and wishes for your benefit and yet you aren't able to ignore your needs and wishes for his. You aren't compromising or even offering a compromise - you are demanding that he ups his game to suit your levels of acceptability yet you aren't accepting his.

You already acknowledge that he's perfect in every other way and yet this one issue, you are demeaning him and insisting your solutions are the only solutions.

I suspect you aren't trying to talk to him but you are talking at him. This is all about your needs and isn't considering his at all. No wonder he doesn't want to discuss it. You are attacking him and he's going on the defensive. How's that working for you?
 Notinterested5891
Joined: 7/29/2012
Msg: 11
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:49:03 PM
Tnt144

All I meant was I am about the same as when he met me so if it was fine then you would think it'd be fine now.

I don't nag, but if I try kissing on him, he will most likely tell me he is too tired.
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 12
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:58:18 PM

I don't nag, but if I try kissing on him, he will most likely tell me he is too tired.


Any chance that normally, when you try kissing him, you are using that as a way to try and get him interested in going further? Do you ever kiss him just to kiss him?

If you normally try and initiate sex this way, he's wise to that, and telling you up front, that he's not interested in sex. He's feeling the pressure to perform. That can't be very pleasant for him, to know that a kiss isn't offered simply as a kiss.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 13
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:01:47 PM
If he says he won't change, believe him. You can only guess to the problem, and you'd probably be wrong, and even if you knew, it won't change a thing. You have to decide...can you live like this? or not? And then act accordingly. Let's hope he can be a good father to your child.
 Notinterested5891
Joined: 7/29/2012
Msg: 14
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:03:29 PM
So you say I don't compromise or aren't trying to import from Uk

So what would you think would be a compromise?

I would like it every day
He would like it once a month.
Average those 2 and it would be every other day...
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 15
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:05:24 PM

All I meant was I am about the same as when he met me so if it was fine then you would think it'd be fine now.


- I know what you are saying. I'm saying it's a bad assumption to make. Beauty is one of the great powers women have over men... I'm suggesting that if you make yourself more attractive, it may turn the tide - plus it's healthy. And I know it's hard to loose weight, real hard. But if you do, it can work for you 24/7.

Look, one of the most common crys from people with dating and relationship problems is, "Take me as I am". the problem is, reality, and love, does not buy that excuse.

Relationships take work, at least some maintenance. Consider loosing weight some of the work. Stop being lazy and take some responsibility - please consider it. I'm telling you, one of the main things men want is an attractive partner. Whether we like hearing it or not, it's reality. And if you try to buck reality, you will loose.

Listen, women have a great power with beauty - they get to wear all the clown makeup, stilts, and cute cloths - men aren't even into shoes!! Start leveraging your power - for both of you. Would you eat smaller portions in exchange for more sex? Change your eating habits and change your life.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 16
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:07:25 PM
wow......Im impressed......a guy out here who actually is NOT interested in getting laid every 10 minutes......

Now I have heard it all.
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 17
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:15:08 PM
I would like it every day
He would like it once a month.
Average those 2 and it would be every other day...


How about a bit of realism? You know that he is going to be miserable if he's made to perform like a trained puppy on your cue. Expecting him to do that every second day is unrealistic if his norms are what you stated.

Compromise doesn't have to be sex every couple of days. But you could try working on intimate acts without the expectation that it ends in full sex every time.

What I will say, is you can't force this on him. You can't kiss him with the expectation it leads to sex. You have to learn to give rather than just take. Once you start giving freely without the expectation of anything in return, it will help him feel less pressured.

Right now, you are still only thinking about you, not him. Until you understand there are two people in a relationship who both have to feel accepted and appreciated, you aren't helping.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 18
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:22:34 PM
Is once a month really that bad? Seems healthy enough. yall aren't even married yet
 Strings6
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 19
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:27:46 PM
From experience reading other threads on this subject with both men and women not being interested in sex its odd that when a woman doesn't want sex its because the man is doing something wrong...it's his fault,he is not meeting a need etc etc...but when a man doesn't want sex its still his fault or he's a homosexual LOL
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 20
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:34:41 PM
Op,its obvious you have incompatible sex drives

I dont know what you can do about that apart from some couples counselling?

*I* couldn't be in a sexless relationship so i wish you luck!
 soulsearcher012
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 21
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Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:38:52 PM
Some men just don't have a high libido
try to spice things up a bit and see what happens.
 Insanity_Inc
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 22
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:41:35 PM
With his lack of interest in sex, you must have tried "very" hard to get pregnant. Was it planned?
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 23
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 6:43:26 PM
Just curious - how old is your baby?

I ask because I just noticed your join date listed as "Joined: 7/29/2012". So you signed up here 8 months ago which would have been during this relationship with him. I checked your posting history but there's nothing so you didn't seem to have opened an account just for the forums as some people claim to.

Is it possible, that his lack of interest in sex is based on him learning you have a profile here? Has he asked for a paternity test? I'm not pointing the finger - just asking the question. If he thinks you aren't being loyal, that would have a huge affect on the physical side of your relationship and he might have been accommodating you historically but is less inclined to now.
 Kellticman72
Joined: 1/5/2013
Msg: 24
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 7:17:53 PM
He doesn't want to have sex for the same reason women don't want to have sex in a relationship.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 25
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 7:44:19 PM
He should have a medical check up just to make sure nothing is out of whack, and his check up should include a screening for depression.

If it is a problem for you, then consider your options. You can read more about other women who have married a man with a low sex drive at talkaboutmarriage.com and learn some coping strategies.

Good luck.
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