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 BondGold
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 1
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Making the "choice" to "move on"Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I've seen many many post on here about people need to make a "choice" to get over a previous relationship/person and "move on". This seems to be a part of the standard answers to people who struggle with this issue. What I would like to see responses to is do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is in love with someone else but has made that "choice" to find a new love? You will never be their first choice. Are you okay with that? I really have no idea but I have to think it would be similar to being in a relationship with someone who is gay but has made a "choice" to live straight. If this is possible. I guess a female could but it would be hard for a man to. (this is not the issue I am inquiring about, please don't concentrate on this issue, it's just an example) Why would any one want any part of this type of relationship? If you see it different from my example please tell how? Also if someone has to make this "choice" aren't they really settling for something lesser then? Why would anyone want to be someone else's lesser then? I can't imagine for a minute I, or anyone else, would want to be with someone who had to make this "choice". I see this advice given on here all the time so a lot of you must be okay with it, and I just can't see how it would be okay with anyone. I'm trying to understand the how and why of this "choice" everyone advises of. Has anyone been in a relationship knowing they are a second choice? Why?

This is an open forum section please be courteous though and respond constructively. If your just posting to attack/accuse please reconsider it doesn't help you or anyone!
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 2
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 12:23:27 AM
I think what people mean is to make a choice to start the process of getting over a previous relationship. You can decide to make the choice to do so all you want, but if you are still in love with that person at the end of it, you haven't really made the choice to get over them, have you? It is possible to get over someone and fall in love with someone else. I don't think that you are being deceitful to the new person nor do I think they are by default the "second choice" (unless you haven't gotten over the previous relationship).
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 3
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 12:31:24 AM
No, I would not date a guy hung up on an ex, even if he had no chance in hell of getting her back. I prefer SOs in touch with reality.
For argument's sake, let's say I really wanted an ex, but the ex wants nothing to do with me. I would have to find someone else to play with, or I'm not accepting another adult's choice (the ex).
If I kept wanting the ex against their wishes, that is not love, it's selfishness and selfishness is not love.
Love IS selfless, like a parent's love-many would give up their life for their kid, if it came down to it.

Selfishness is about possession and ownership.
An aspect of of murder suicides --people flip out over their possession getting away from them, what is "rightfully theirs" which they are attached to, is gone and "stolen" from them.
But people cannot be possessed. They choose who they want, and one must respect than and "move on", to new relationships!
 ShelbySask4friend1
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 4
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 1:04:10 AM

This is an open forum section please be courteous though and respond constructively.If your just posting to attack/accuse please reconsider it doesn't help you or anyone!

Are you sure that is the definition of an open form,lol...

Your question is kind of broad to answer and can be taken at different degrees...


Why would any one want any part of this type of relationship?

Everyone is looking for "love"...


You will never be their first choice. Are you okay with that?

I do not really understand the varying degrees of "love", you are trying to point out...If the person was in love with someone prior to and still loves them, but for some reason, the relationship can not survive on "love" alone, and now that person wants to date another person, and the new person knows about the love they share/d, how would the past "love" trump the new found "love"....??? Because it was first,lol???...Do people have to stop "loving" others to love someone else?...When was the rule of life put into place you could not love two people...


Why would anyone want to be someone else's lesser then?

Why would someone treat another person in a lesser manner, just due to the fact they love/d another person before, or prior...Sounds a bit egotistical, and self serving...


Why would anyone want to be someone else's lesser then?

Why would you assume such a statement...
How can you be a second choice, when the person is with you,lol, and they made a concious decision to leave the other person...
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 5
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Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 1:43:59 AM
I don't date men who will date me in spite of ...whatever...if they haven't moved on from their past relationships, I have no time for their head games. I have no idea why women should do this more than men, it's the character of the person and what they will allow in their life and how desperate they are to be with someone no matter what, gender hasn't a thing to do with how desperate a person might be.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 1:50:27 AM

What I would like to see responses to is do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is in love with someone else but has made that "choice" to find a new love?


Very simple.

No.

Because, anyone who is still in love with someone else, has NOT "made the choice to find a new love." What they have done, is to choose to hire an emotional prostitute/surrogate for the one they actually want to be with, in order that they can avoid the tremendous pain of accepting the end of things with the one they think they love. The trouble is, that there is a fundamental and immutable way that emotional existence works: you either go through the pain, or you don't get the learning, and you don't progress. In turn, nothing that they might thoroughly believe that they are building with you will be real.

Now, if by "relationship," you mean as a close friend, who will help them as best a friend can through their time of suffering, then sure. Just not as the designated new love target, designed to distract them from reality.
 brinaalina
Joined: 10/26/2011
Msg: 7
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Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 2:15:37 AM
Sexuality isn't a choice. I'm sure you can be influenced, but it's all about how you feel inside. And you can't choose how you feel.
Can't choose who you fall for either. Unfortunately lol.

I would never be with someone that thought of me as their 'second choice' or backup. That sounds SO miserable.
Who would ever do that?
Well, I guess I did once, a long time ago. But that's a long story.

I DO think the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else though ;)
Hey, it works!
Usually lol
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 8
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 4:32:50 AM
Part of moving on is stopping to worship the old flame at the mental altar of wishful thinking. I can and do have fond memories of some of my exes, including my first love. That doesn't mean a new partner would be a second choice.

Yes, I regret that some relationships ended.
No, I wasn't always the one to end them, so some ended against my wish and feelings.
Yes, moving on allows you to distance yourself from what was, so that your next partner can truly be the first choice.

But you have a point, which is why rebounds occur and a 'grieving period' after a serious relationship is a good idea.
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 9
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 4:51:15 AM
OP,

Here's a very simple answer to your "complex" question.

I'm no one's plan B.

Cheers.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 10
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 5:09:30 AM
I recall being in a situation like this, and having to tell the guy that I am not here to be his emotional band aid. I am a completely unique and separate person, probably very different from whoever it is he is still mooning over, and should be seen as so...not a substitute or pain blocker.

I myself have been head over heels with someone who had no interest in me romantically. I carried that flame for some time..and realized I had to work it out of my system before truly being able to welcome anyone new into my life. Time, no contact and a new perspective have helped me shaped a better idea of what I deserve, and to allow room for that to enter my life.

I think we have an "emotional responsibility" to one another in this way. Alot of people tho just rush to the next "drug" so to speak. It's OK to be alone and reflect for a while.
 technical_cat
Joined: 1/6/2013
Msg: 11
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 5:20:29 AM
What Igor said......... "emotional prostitute/surrogate"...........the most succinctly put summation of what's going on -do you mind being an emotional prostitute/surrogate ? I did mind and left someone I loved because I wouldn't accept it, even though he went through all the motions of a being a good boyfriend (well as best that he could) - but it was worth the loss and temporary (if drawn out) pain for the sake of my sanity and happiness in the long run.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 12
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Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 5:21:27 AM
Would I choose to be in a relationship with someone else who is in love with another?

First of all that is in reality technically speaking not a relationship, that’s settling for another person out of some sort of weakness or need, or form of self denial.

In other words, they can’t be alone, so instead they cling on to someone else out of some sort of necessary or need.
These types of individuals are users and will hurt other people out of selfishness.

The sad thing about this is usually people who are like this that invite another into their life usually isn't honest with the new person until way later and at that time is when they have lead another into a form of a relationship based on lies. Then the new person get’s hit in the face with reality and has to make a choice, which usually is very hurtful and it takes a lot of strength to walk away from the other who intently knew from the beginning where the other person stood.

The weird thing about this form of denial, is the person who does this to another is usually so confused and lost that they don’t mean to set out to hurt others, they just are thinking of their self and their past love lost, and don’t realize they are using another person out of denial.

Hope that made sense, this was a hard one to write.

Sad situation and one I would hate to encounter or be a part of, but unfortunately; it can happen to any of us at any time.
Jan
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 13
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 5:24:49 AM
I wouldn’t advise somebody to ‘just get over it’ no matter what the issue. And I wouldn’t follow such advice myself. It sounds like tv therapy, intended to amuse a daytime audience.

We can’t just stop feeling the pain of unrequited love. It doesn’t just go away. We can choose to abandon all expectation of that person loving us in return however. That kind of emotional ‘moving on’ we can do. Moving on doesn’t mean starting a new relationship though, or at least ought not to. I think the ‘hows that workin for ya’ crowd would agree with that.

As for…


…it would be similar to being in a relationship with someone who is gay but has made a "choice" to live straight…

…I wouldn’t advise that either – the conversion or the relationship. Most people don’t change their orientation. But most do get over unrequited love in time. So no, they’re not the same. Now you’re just ranting. Move on.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 14
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Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 5:27:43 AM
I've seen your previous post and I think you are hung up on semantics too much.
Relationships choices aren't about a priority scale. Just because you "choose" someone and it doesn't work out, any more choices aren't going to be second best. It just doesn't work out like that.
Life is about changes. My first GF was 6'2 black american. I use to like tall women growing up. I moved to europe and I married a 5'5 blonde.
Was she second choice is my decision for a life partner? No. Environments change, lifestyles change, perspectives on life changes.
Would someone like to have children at 25 have the same desire to reaise children at age 55? Mostly likely not, but that doesn't make that choice a lesser decison.

I'm not attacking you, but I seriously think online dating is not for you right now. You are have a mindset that no one is going to be up to par of your ex and I think that is very sad.
 City_girl1969
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 15
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 5:56:55 AM
I had a relationship with someone that ended. I was still in love, so was he but circumstances prevented us from being together. We still spoke a few times a month after a 3 month cooling off period. After 9 months I decided to start to casually date. I met a guy and found myself falling for him ALSO. Looking back I could see very similar personality traits in both men although outwardly they were completely different. One is a biker one is a very conservative straight laced (at least to the general public) man. If I was asked to choose one if they both were available to be in a relationship I don't know who I would choose. Both were always there for me if I needed them.
The 2nd guy wasn't my plan B. I loved him as much as the first. He was my facing reality. Guy A wasn't going to happen.

Guy B didn't work out either. I doubt there will will ever be a guy C. I am still friends with guy A & hung out with him last night as his friend. He has since married. We still have strong feelings for each other but as adults faced reality and chose to move on with our lives. His feelings for me don't diminish his love for his wife. Guy b & I tried to be friends but he wanted to be in a new relationship with someone else & still see me at times. THAT IS PLAN B. I wouldn't agree to that so we don't speak.
 3ffervescent
Joined: 7/1/2010
Msg: 16
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Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 6:15:31 AM
As gently as I can say it OP, you are still not ready for dating---

Being completely honest with you - it took me 5 years and a lot of therapy to be at the point that I could date again,
and my circumstances were different to yours, but I had a self awareness that you don't seem to have yet.
I said 'yet' - because, it will come.

I remember your story, and your pain--

I have felt the same level of pain, but for a different reason - it is still, the same level, and hurts to the core of your being.

Please continue with therapy, and forget about finding someone to replace her.
You need to like who you are, and then, and only then -- should you seek someone to spend time with you.

You may be a faster learner than I was, but, having gone past that point --- I know you are still not there.

I know you feel lonely.

That is your mind's way of telling you, that you aren't doing the things you should be-
get out of the house, and make new friends - with no expectation other than friendship...
Take that course you have always wanted to do,
or join Meetup.com and have regular social events...

Don't let the thoughts fester--
and don't over-think your life,
get out and about and start enjoying it.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 17
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/30/2013 6:27:14 AM
What I would like to see responses to is do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is in love with someone else

Me personally, no. But some people *do* want that which is why they won't make the choice to move on. Either they're obsessive/compulsive, or they merely haven't taken the time to separate the facts from their feelings about them. ---> "Not available" versus "Wishes s/he were with me." Hanging onto an ideal or emotional fantasy at all costs, instead of being more realistic and thereby free to move on.

Such a person COULD move on and find something else to do while still maintaining positive memories about someone they no longer have. It would be exactly like a win/win, and yet with the unfortunate outcome that such a person would no longer be in the convenient position of perpetual self-flagellation. But people with healthy self-esteem aren't interested in mentally torturing themselves daily for long periods of time, so I don't see it as a huge problem really. Either way, the person in question is getting something s/he wants. PAYOFF. Fine with me.


it would be similar to being in a relationship with someone who is gay but has made a "choice" to live straight. If this is possible.

Yes, this happened a lot back in the 40s, 50s and 60s when the Hollywood studios basically "owned" their stars. A lot of those very well-known faces were as queer as the day is long and yet for appearance's sake they were completely heterosexual and even got married and had families. There's basically no end to the facades that people can maintain if they really want to. We're all actors on our own little stage.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 18
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Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/31/2013 1:54:47 PM
the woman I lost my virginity to was still in love w/ her ex, and still worked with him. He had moved on to his next gf, and since I was at university, I saw my gf on the weekends. Her ex would rent a car to go visit his new gf, and require the help of my gf (he didn't have a credit card).

So, my gf would tell me how weird it felt, and once she got that off her chest (which she admitted was weird telling it to me), it wasn't an issue for the rest of the weekend. what can I say, knowing how to give a woman orgasms has many advantages :) lol

seriously, tho, its not the guaranteed kiss of death with mature people. If you're looking to marry on the first date, then yes, someone who hasn't moved on can be a problem. I wasn't. She treated me with respect, and was welcome to her thoughts and feelings. She wasn't calling out his name. Maybe--likely--the rest of the week she thought about him, but when I was around, I had her attention...well, enough of it :)

I didn't need to be the center of her world, rocking it on the weekend did well enough. Anyone who I date has to make the decision to "move on", and they aren't doing it for my benefit...they're doing it for their own sanity. Its their gift to themselves, not to me.

just like if I want to be the center of their world...that ends up being my problem. its not their responsiblity, their burden. all they have to do is be their true self.
 happynewstart
Joined: 3/8/2013
Msg: 19
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/31/2013 2:14:40 PM
No I cant be in a relationship where I KNEW I am the second choice. If I felt I was second choice I would need to end the relationship.

I believe when you are in love with someone and the relationship ends there is a period where you cant let anyone else in, but this period passes and there comes a point where you put it behind you and move on. You get over being in love even if you dont fall out of love with that person if that makes sense. In time you can and do fall in love with someone else, it will be different but it will be love. It wont replace what has gone before and you will still love the person your no longer with but you will love the new person and the new person will become the more predominant focus. Im not sure that this is making sense.

Its like having a filing draw with files of love for different people. You take one file out and thats the one your working on and when the relationship ends you file that love away and open the new file.
 PrettyBr0wnEyed1
Joined: 2/28/2013
Msg: 20
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/31/2013 3:36:51 PM
I know someone going through this (an ex of someone that I broke up with). I had no idea until her and I ended agreeing to talk that the ex had broken up with her to date me. He lied and told me that he had been single and their relationship had been over, which was all lies. She's never gotten over him and she still loves him, even though he's done her dirty. I broke up with him on 2/20/13 and they got together on 2/21/13. She had no idea that he has a profile on here now. I had to show her, so she can see she's being played again. Second choice is never good enough. I feel like her self-esteem is low for whatever reason, but she's a pretty girl, she can do better than him, but in order to gain better, she has to believe in that.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 21
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Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/31/2013 4:17:11 PM
Op
Your question is interesting but based on assumtion.
U seem to be assuming that some one in love stays in love with that person forever and given the chance would go running back to them, making the new person just a second choice.

I have been in love and chosen to leave because he was unhealthy. I thouht i would never get over him or have feelings for any one else.

I was actually suprised by how quickly got passed it. A little time and understanding can go a long ways.

The next guy i dated wasn't a second choice or a rebound, he was a new choice.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 22
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/31/2013 4:45:08 PM
Why would anyone think they are a second choice?

I think the moving on concept is similar to when they change the formula to your favorite soda pop. As soon as you drink it, you know it's different. It doesn't taste right. And yes, you don't like it as much as you liked the old formula. It's different. So, you're inclined to reject the new formula at first. However, eventually what happens is that the more you drink the new formula you get used to it. It stops tasting bad and you forget what the old formula tasted like. Then... you find yourself loving the new formular just as much as the old one.

Really... all that is happening is a shifting of attachments from the old person to the new person. Attachments take time to build. They aren't instantaneous. The fact that a person is capable of loving someone strongly usually means that they are indeed capable of loving someone ELSE just ast strongly. If you are trying to build a relationship with someone who had strong attachments to someone else, you just have to be confident in what you have to offer the other person. Be patient and realize that it will take time.

However...the truth is that you will have MORE problems building a relationship with someone who avoids forming attachments to one person and is resistant or overprotective to falling in love with anyone.
 Lighttruthrevisited
Joined: 10/19/2012
Msg: 23
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 3/31/2013 8:15:16 PM
If you have love in your heart to give you can love more than one person in life, if you dont it doesnt matter.
I am not sure the first choice is always the best or the strongest.
If you are saying that you have chosen to move on, but do not have strong enough feelings for the new person to open yourself up to the possibility
That this could be as strong, than you are not ready and should cut the person loose.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 24
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Making the choice to move on
Posted: 4/1/2013 5:22:26 PM
Well when my ex left me....I had the choice of sinking or swimming...I chose to swim.

I really didn't have a choice in the matter.

 Blueskiestoday
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 25
Making the choice to move on
Posted: 4/1/2013 6:42:22 PM
thanks for your words.
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