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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 1
Is finding/having a partner really that important to you? Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
How is it possible there are so many people looking for love with today’s ease of communication? Is it a matter of “not settling” so it’s better to be alone? If that’s the case is it fair to say that finding a partner is not really a priority? Is it more a case of “I can’t find the exact person I want” rather than “I can’t find anyone?”

It seems in today’s world with equal rights/opportunities, society accepting men and women doing the same activities, people put great importance on finding someone like themselves. Is that wise? In the past men and women seldom did the same thing so what attracted them? What held their interest in each other? Have we shifted from opposites attract to similarities attract? If so, is that a good thing to base a relationship on?

“I grew. He/she didn’t” is heard more often than not. Considering people will change interests and activities and views is it wise to base a relationship on things that we know will change? Wouldn’t fewer requirements result in a greater chance of staying together?

What is really important? We all know the initial thrill of a relationship dies down and each person slides into their particular niche over time so why do we demand that initial thrill? From my observation couples who have been together for any length of time and are happy usually tell the same story. “ Bob was much more attentive/romantic when I first met him.” “Sally was ‘hot’ when we first met.” Even though each changed they’re still happy being together.

Knowing we all settle into a comfort zone why do people not accept that comfort zone in the beginning? Is it a relationship people seek or the thrill of starting a relationship? I find this is especially true is cases where a gal later finds out the ever so generous, suave guy was just a player or the man finds out the ever-so-interested-in-him gal is really a possessive, control freak. When they recount their ‘courtship’ days the first things that comes to mind is, “Did you really think he/she was for real? Did you think you found a knight/princess that was waiting just for you?”

Is it really that difficult to find a loving, caring partner or is it more of an all-or-nothing thing?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 2
Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 3/31/2013 7:02:37 PM
I'm wondering where in your little head OP did all these questions magically come from????? And why the interest in the rest of us????

Just a reminder.



You're married.



In other words, you should already know the answers.
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 3
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Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 3/31/2013 7:20:05 PM
I agree with what you are saying. People do expect to find the "perfect" person, knight/princess and are determined not to settle. Someone once told me we all settle to some degree, I forget the exact expression they used. I believe I heard or read something Dr Phil said about making a list and if you get 80% of that you are doing good. People have become very picky, demanding and entitled today. They can take any little thing that they don't like and make it into a "red flag"

You do have to have enough similarities to enjoy life together but don't have to be carbon copies of each other. I think what you are saying about the past and not having many similarities. Those were simpler times. people didn't have as many choices of things to do either. They spent time with family, around the home, barbecue with friends/neighbors, doing things outside, etc. Dinner and a movie or dancing was a date, a weekly thing even, now if you read here in the forums, that's boring, no one wants to do that. Whole different ballgame today. More to do and people seem to always have to be doing something. Simple is now boring.

I have always maintained that communication and compromise are key or we're all going to end up alone forever. there's that good balance of compromising but not being a door mat which I believe people have a hard time doing. It seems it's all one way or the other. I was just saying in a thread I started that a guy I have known for years and wanted to date for a while and had just started to, well I guess he's not talking to me because I talked about too many things that I wanted to possibly do and asked him if he would be interested in doing any of them and apparently he started over thinking that and took it as me planning out his life. I don't think it had to be a deal breaker, all he had to do was tell me that it was making him uncomfortable and I would have stopped. To me it was just conversation.

I believe in being somewhat comfortable from the beginning. I am always myself, hate playing games and want to just be myself from the get go. That way you know what you are getting into and who I am, there's not much to change later on. I prefer that the man be the same way. It's a waste of time and a lie to be someone you are not in the beginning.

I want to find a partner. I think for a lot of people it is all or nothing and that's why it is difficult.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 4
Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 3/31/2013 8:53:05 PM
Its not just that people want to find the perfect partner but I think there is a big fear of meeting the wrong person as well.. After watching and hearing all the horror stories. I know that I won't just jump into anything.
 Jackals38
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 5
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Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 3/31/2013 11:34:31 PM
As always, it all comes down to how much you are willing to settle for. If you're only priority is finding a warm human being of the opposite sex, then yes, it is extremely easy and dating sites like these wouldn't exist. If, however, your priority is finding a partner who is loving, caring, that you are attracted to, have things in common with, etc. then no, it's extremely difficult since these things can only be found out by trial and error for the most part.

Also, it's laughable to say that people are waiting for the "perfect" person just because they won't be with the first remotely decent person they come across. If anything, the vast majority of people on here need to be MORE picky about who they choose to date, not less so.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 6
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Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 4/1/2013 6:43:01 AM
People keep talking about the good old days. That is a fantisy.
I watched both sets of my grandparents die married and unhappy with each other.

I had parents that were unhappily married, when they divorced it was a relief.

I was unhappily married to a man who took his daughter and me for granted. Once we split he woke up a bit and now he is a better father then when we were together.

So any way i have no intention of settling. I have found that it isn't easy to find some one who's personality is a good fit with mine. It is also not easy to find some one who doesn't end up being self obsorbed.
It seems a lot of men have an old mentality where the woman takes care of him and his needs and should feel lucky to do so. The problem is, us little women dont need a man's pay check or him for security or his ''strengh''
I need a real friend. Who is sexually compatible.
It seems like that should be easy to find right?
 RB_64
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 7
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Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 4/1/2013 7:09:40 AM
Digital technology has increased the size of the pool of dating/relationship choices. We no longer have to only date locally with people referred by friends/family or met through shared activities. We have an easily accessible (24/7/365) global catalog of potential mates. The sheer number of choices increases both the length of time to decide and the difficulty of the decision. Without the globalization of the dating market, I never would have met the absolutely charming man who has engaged me in a serious relationship conversation. I haven't been in his city in 30 years and he has not yet been to my city, so our paths would never have crossed without our digital connection.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 8
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Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 4/1/2013 8:28:03 AM
It is just that much more fun, enjoying adventures with another, or others, and sharing the experience, over doing it alone!

Why does it have to be all or nothing? Can we not enjoy the one(s) we are with in the here and now, the time spent together, the joy of the ride, and see if now turns into tomorrow? Does everything have to be planned out for the entire duration of our lives? Is the only way to enjoy life, have to include a life long partner, or can one just enjoy the gusto of living and sharing that with one as meant to be?

I am not one to believe that there is one and only one that is your soul mate, your partner for life, and the only real connection afforded you. I am much more of the belief that we can enjoy many, love many, and experience life as it takes us down the road, with all those that are possibly meant to be with you, and have it fit now.....for both!

cd
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 9
Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 4/1/2013 12:02:37 PM

(Msg #4. Waltz) I'm wondering where in your little head OP did all these questions magically come from????? And why the interest in the rest of us????
Just a reminder.
You're married.
In other words, you should already know the answers.


My interest stems from trying to shed some light on the negative profiles and posts I encounter. Yes, I’ve been married for over 15 years and life was very good for the majority of them. Actually, it has been great except for the diminishing sex. Our differences included education level, income level, differing native tongues, different religions along with a nine (9) year age difference. So much for things in common! I attribute the success to us both being independent beings. Other than sexual attraction what is so difficult about living with someone? If one person is nice to the other it’s usually returned. Not always but that can be readily determined.

My point is I didn’t require a wife to cook my dinner or wash my clothes and she didn’t require a husband to support her. Just two average, decent people getting along coupled with a sexual attraction.

If everyone is so independent as expressed in profiles and posts then it seems sexual attraction would be the only requirement assuming both are average, decent people. That’s why I wonder what the problem is other than them “wanting it all”. Stated another way if they are indeed independent but seeking a mate it seems there would be a large selection as requirements would be few.


(Msg #5. Pinky) Yes.............and paying $$$ to a young student he sees.*eyeroll*


No big deal. I see it as paying for an alternative meal. I have discussed the sex issue with my wife for FIVE YEARS. According to conventional wisdom (is that like military intelligence? RE: G. Carlin) my marriage is perfect. Lots of mutual activities. Similar views politically/socially. Financially in sync. And we all know sex is certainly not something to base a marriage on so what do you see as a problem?


(Msg #6. Melissa0607) People have become very picky, demanding and entitled today.
More to do and people seem to always have to be doing something. Simple is now boring.
I want to find a partner. I think for a lot of people it is all or nothing and that's why it is difficult.


I loved your post! I don’t see how people can get to know each other when constantly doing something, as in going out. Of course everyone is in a good mood going out. Unfortunately, life has a lot more “staying in” moments doing everyday things. That was the person I was interested in getting to know.

Also, when it came to meeting people I would suggest meeting for coffee at lunch or after work. It wasn’t necessary for them to get all “fixed up” for a date. I explained that if we started a relationship I would be mostly seeing them in their Monday – Friday attire, not all dressed up for a Saturday night.


(Msg #10. HelenBackAgain)That IS what many advice-seekers keep getting told... this would include avoiding married men who employ prostitutes.


Was that a “dig”, Helen? ;)
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 10
Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 4/1/2013 12:26:51 PM

(Msg #21. (Femaleconnection) The 'good old days' arent as stellar as some would like us to think. The same issues we face today, were faced back then, only with less fancy tools. I mean, comon Op, you were raised in the 'good old days' and here you are looking for sex on the side....so if the good old days were so great, what happened to you?


The good, old days weren’t so great as far as communication. That was my point. Today, it is different. It is due to communication/computers I am able to find sex on the side without cruising the streets on a winter night. I can communicate with people in their home who are in a similar situation or are able to offer a solution.

Just for the record the sex on the side is the only sex I’m getting. Like French fries, if the meal comes with fries one would not order a side of fries.

Actually it was the young lady I met who mentioned people having difficulty meeting others. She doesn't understand it either. Considering most people have computers and with free dating sites and free places to run ADS how much of a selection do people require?

(If I don't respond to further posts it's because of POF rules on consecutive post limits.)
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 11
Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 4/1/2013 12:32:36 PM
All I'm looking for is maturity, good communication skills, assertiveness, wit, intelligence, adventurous and someone with a zest for learning and life. When I find her, I'll commit to a relationship. But maturity has been a difficult one to check off the list, also assertiveness. The others are more about the chemistry and finally the last couple are about their own personal growth potential. I'm not gonna bother with someone who is not well rounded or who can't care of themselves or is not independent. It's about finding a true partner to grow with and that could potentially care for you and vice verse. That can make the tough decisions if one gets ill. A real partner.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 12
Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 4/1/2013 8:15:21 PM

If anything, the vast majority of people on here need to be MORE picky about who they choose to date, not less so.

I think women online tend to be pretty picky about who they get involved with, due to the ratio. More options one has over time, the more picky they will be. Less options over time, less picky.

Of course, the problems are usually that what people gravitate toward isn't exactly what they preach in what they like, except for solid deal-breakers. People can easily be over-picky mainly because they don't (emotionally) NEED a relationship. You (emotionally) NEED a relationship when you feel more empty without one.

If it wasn't, most of us would not be on here to begin with dontcha think?

Not everyone is looking for a "partner" per se, though. Some people, it being handy at their fingertips, are exploring their options and looking for someone to merely date -- where sure, becoming a partner may be something in the future but not them looking for it. This isn't eHarmony. :)

Think of it this way: Some people are open to the possibility of having kids, but not looking To Have kids. And some people don't want kids when they don't have any, and some folk sneer at that thinking "What? If you end up getting married, how can you not want kids?! Why get married?" They emotionally can't see/understand that.

I think a lot of people, in the right place and after enough time, would want a partner. But it's not a super-small minority of people who aren't looking for a partner and would be 100% content/happy without an established partner. That doesn't mean they don't date at all or void themselves of the possibilities of potentially being in position to have a partner.
 ARadicalPunk
Joined: 1/27/2010
Msg: 13
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Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 4/1/2013 9:16:42 PM
Hell yes, who else is going to make me some "sammwitches."
 dahlingdarling
Joined: 5/11/2012
Msg: 14
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Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?
Posted: 4/1/2013 10:57:18 PM

Is finding/having a partner really that important to you?

No


How is it possible there are so many people looking for love with today’s ease of communication?

Probably because so many people have higher standards than before.


Is it a matter of “not settling” so it’s better to be alone?

Likely that plays a role though I find gender wise more guys than gals do this. I have yet to see as many guys settle for a gal they find unattractive, unappealing, and tolerate than I have with gals. I just went to a wedding with such a couple where she was simply glad to be married before 30 regardless of if she has to grin and bear it thinking of his brother during sex.


If that’s the case is it fair to say that finding a partner is not really a priority?

I don't think it's fair to say that because they won't settle that finding a partner is not really a priority as likely they want a worthwhile partner not just any partner to just have one.


Is it more a case of “I can’t find the exact person I want” rather than “I can’t find anyone?”

This in my opinion is fair to say.


It seems in today’s world with equal rights/opportunities, society accepting men and women doing the same activities, people put great importance on finding someone like themselves. Is that wise?

I think it's wise if said people want a partner like themselves.


In the past men and women seldom did the same thing so what attracted them? What held their interest in each other?

It's a bit unwise to compare the past to the present considering gals the gender disparity as likely guys having far more control than gals in society/relationships, gals not being able to financially survive on their own, and society frowning upon divorce.


Have we shifted from opposites attract to similarities attract? If so, is that a good thing to base a relationship on?

No I don't think society has made that shift.


“I grew. He/she didn’t” is heard more often than not. Considering people will change interests and activities and views is it wise to base a relationship on things that we know will change? Wouldn’t fewer requirements result in a greater chance of staying together?

Not necessarily in my opinion as a gal could have the few requirements of male and all his accompanying traits could be a turn off or negative to her.


What is really important? We all know the initial thrill of a relationship dies down and each person slides into their particular niche over time so why do we demand that initial thrill?

Likely people demand that thrill as a romantic/sexual relationship is often about passion and dying or lacking passion tends to get the relationship to be seen as nothing more than friends.


Knowing we all settle into a comfort zone why do people not accept that comfort zone in the beginning?

Probably because most people don't put themselves in that comfort zone in the beginning. It's a bit hard in my opinion to accept that comfort zone when in the beginning and possibly middle they acted a different way.


Is it a relationship people seek or the thrill of starting a relationship?

Depends on the person.


Is it really that difficult to find a loving, caring partner or is it more of an all-or-nothing thing?

It's not difficult in my opinion to find a loving, caring partner however whether a person would want such a partner is a toss up. Take for example a guy I know who complained about not being able to find a loving caring gal and I found him plenty however all where obese/overweight, older than him, and unattractive to him.
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