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 Terramay
Joined: 7/14/2012
Msg: 1
40Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I've noticed that there are a lot of older people on the forums +40 who seem very apprehensive about falling in love. And even more jaded over the idea of marriage. Even worse, I've read far too many times "It'll take xyz to make me get married again!" And it makes me wonder why people as they age become so cynical about romance? Love, relationships, marriage, children. It all sounds like everyone comes from a place of bitterness.

Why?
 seafoodandeatit
Joined: 12/23/2011
Msg: 2
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Posted: 4/1/2013 1:34:27 AM
I will get tons of flack for this answer, sorry,
I have found that when the woman doesn't wish to stay married and it goes down the drain the female seems to do the better as far as the law goes, I lost most my super, most of my new home and all the bank acc.
so I would need a drug test to re marry or a shot gun pointed at me.
No one was to blame we both worked hard etc etc. but when you loose every thing to greed its very hard to trust again.
I have seen some big rough men break down, so what you see on the out side may not be what is going on in the inside.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 3
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 5:05:44 AM
Got me.. I'm certainly not one of them....

I love the idea of falling in love and getting married again.
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 4
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 5:08:47 AM
I'm not bitter and I'm not jaded. I've been divorced just so long enough to remember the hardship of being married to somebody with whom I was incompatible, but not to the point where I have banished the idea of remarriage. In fact, it's my wish to fall in love and spend my life with my husband, it's my intent, though I'm not dating, right now.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 5
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 5:16:49 AM
as a teen, I was the shy, cute girl. The boy would ask me on a date, it was formulaic.
Now who am i? Men don't know what to do w/ a woman like me, or any woman 4 that matter anymore. No clear cut roles 4 relationships. De-polarized sexuality says Deida. I would love to meet a man I find attractive enuf to phuck who also finds me attractive enuf to phuck WHO ISN'T A NORMAN BATES TYPE who has a cat dressed in a red feather boa & a variety of other sick demented stuff.

WHAT'S IN THE FRUIT CELLAR?
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 6
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 5:33:05 AM
Op,you're only 19.............in another two decades from now when you've lived more of life and have had more life experiences,you'll understand why some people have the 'been there,done that' attitude.

Mind you,i have noticed the bitter,jaded people but also there's more well-balanced,happy people,too.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 7
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 5:48:05 AM
OP, it's one of the rules of forum posting. If you think about it, it's only logical.

Angry, bitter people want to vent, they post more often, and they have more time. Happy people don't often get on a forum at all, or if they do they don't post as often.
 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 8
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 5:48:22 AM

I would love to meet a man I find attractive enuf to phuck who also finds me attractive enuf to phuck


I find it hard to believe this is really that hard for a woman.. but who knows
 funny4uwannatry
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 9
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Posted: 4/1/2013 5:53:35 AM
Although I agree the older people have more life experiences, I would have to agree with OP, many are bitter and angry because the spend their life blaming their ex for all the ills of the world. I am divorced, but not bitter. I did not get a financial windfall, in fact ended up on welfare for a couple of years while I went to school so I could support my family. Not every female ends up with everything in a divorce. So I guess I could be bitter and angry about everything I lost, but I chose to move forward. I learned to be happy without credit cards and weekly trips to the nail salon. I learned my sanity was worth way more than anything I could buy in a store. I learned to take care of myself and be happy with the little things in life. I learned to forgive. I did not come on dating sites to spread my anger onto another man. I came to find someone to spend my life with. What I learned on POF was there are too many wounded soldiers who spend their time blaming the courts, blaming their ex and worse, blaming all women for their losses. I find it interesting that I never cheated or lied or did anything terrible in my marriage other than end it after trying with everything I had to save it. I do not blame him for all the ills of the world. It was a tough time that lead me to happiness. I found happiness in no longer having to deal with all the issues he had in this life that he refused to take care of himself, never mind me.
I met several men on this site who were obviously angry and blaming their ex for all the ills of the world and they were stuck in time, not able to move forward. Although a couple were really nice looking men, they had nothing but fear, anger and resentment to offer. I choose to pass. My point is for every man on here who is screaming foul, there is a woman who probably ended up raising the kids alone or had more of the responsibility of raising them, who did not end up rich after the divorce. Did all of these women cheat? Were all these divorces a direct result of only her wrong doing? I find that hard to believe. I think some men refuse to get help and refuse to see their role in the end of the relationship. It is easier to blame 100% on her. Funny. Odd. Sad.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 10
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 6:22:47 AM
I don't think it's bitterness, anger, or jadedness. In some cases that may be true, but for the majority I think it's just reality. People in this age group have experienced what happens in the real world, and happily ever only happens in fairy tales. It's difficult to love blindly when your eyes have been opened...
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 11
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40
Posted: 4/1/2013 6:27:40 AM
Marriage is too complicated as we age. I have my own personal family horror story: My father married a nasty, golddigging woman with three adult criminally inclined sons and one gay daughter when he was 60. He had a great government job from which he retired at age 62. They had been married two years; he dropped dead on New Year's Day, January 1, 1988. My younger brother was 19 at the time. I was 35, with a 10 year old child -- my father's only grandchild at the time. Well, for 22 years, the golddigger and her criminal children and grandchildren lived mighty well on the fruits of my father's labors. My brother never received anything....and he was a kid. Not even one of my father' shirts and ties as a "keepsake." No thanks. I would never want to marry someone, die suddenly, and have everything I worked for go to someone other than MY child. Forget it!
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 12
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 6:30:03 AM
OP - For me, it was all the divorce. I know that may be difficult for you to understand; people who haven't been through a divorce just can't understand. Even many who have been through a divorce may not fully understand because they were the one who wanted out. For the one who doesn't want a divorce, their world is suddenly torn apart as they lose the one they love, their children are taken from them (in the man's case and we see the injustice in that), and this so called love of your life pulls every dirty trick in the book (my buddy's ex tried to set him up to get arrested by telling him she wouldn't be at their kid's basketball game; luckily, my buddy's father went there first to check and there she was waiting with the cops). Having gone through all of that, who would really want to take that kind of chance again?

OP and funny4uwannatry - Now, given the above, when I come onto the forums and see discussions where the subject brings up many of these issues or where the topics reflect the behaviors that the divorce experience opened your eyes to (like using a man for his wallet), I then speak out. This gives the appearance of being bitter and angry, and I have also admitted to being so somewhat. Also, many statements made by posters about women (or men) are generalizations and are taken as applying to all women (or men), but I think those statements really mean that the behavior is just so commonly seen that is seems that nearly all are that way. Some get offended by that, but more often I think the "you didn't say some or most" is merely a counter argument used to discredit and ignore the issue.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 13
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 6:36:34 AM
Before there were dating forums, there were financial forums dedicated to talking about stocks.

I see the exact same sort of behaviors back almost before you were born.

If a lot of posters all talk positive about a stock, it's sure to eventually tank.

If a group of investors fell in love with a company and the company eventually goes bankrupt and many people lose their life savings, a subset of those people will post forever about how crappy the system is. They are all bitter and jaded and never can get past it.

I worked for MCI Communications since 1980, left right before they were bought by World Com. World com turned out to be crooked, many people that had worked for 30 years lost their life savings.

Then Verizon bought World Com assets, the stock was worth zero, probably some bonds has a little value. This was after 4 years from the beginning of the fall to zero. MCI was bought by Worldcom in 1998.

There were still a group of posters that wanted Verizon to compensate them for their losses, some still posted even in June of 2013, but most seemed to have given up the angry posts around 2003.

After the crash of 2009, many investors have sworn they will never get back into stocks, much the same as many will never again get married.

People fall in love, either with a stock or another person, they lose all common sense and ignore serious negatives. They do say love is blind for a reason, but it doesn't have to be blind.

Everything I learned on finical forums gets repeated on dating forums, but dating / relationship forums have much more complex situations. However the emotions are about as intense and there are a lot of similarities.
 funny4uwannatry
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 14
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Posted: 4/1/2013 6:44:21 AM
Experiences are part of life, but so is forgiveness and the ability to stop holding life time grudges. No, it is not easy to move ahead, but at some point I think people need to stop blaming others and move on. What is the point of hating and blaming? Is it getting you anywhere? Why bother to date anyone else if you think love is a stupid waste of time and money? Yes, love sometimes hurts, but not every relationship ends up badly. I say learn from your mistakes and your past.. be careful, but do not give up or continue to hold onto the past like a blanket.. life does go on for some, some stay stuck and cant believe there are real honest people out there not looking to use anyone. I think you can waste your life blaming or look for someone who wont steal from you. For the female above.. try a prenuptial or just live together. There are ways to protect yourself without living in constant fear that others are out to get you.
 lostinalostworld
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 15
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 6:49:21 AM
OP, given your age and statistics it will only take a few years and you will understand completely.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 16
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 7:06:48 AM
Since you're asking a very general question, I can only answer by framing it with a brief description of your basic options:

1. Yes, they are bitter. Some people are still licking their wounds from a fresh personal battle, OR they have poor coping skills. Bitterness sets in inevitably when they exhaust themselves with being too needy. Being single is like a disease.

2. No, they are not bitter. But they really don't see the point in throwing themselves at someone lock, stock & barrel at this point in their lives. Some people now enjoy a life of personal freedom unencumbered by the incessant demands which more or less characterize the kinds of relationships a lot of people are looking for here. Being single is not a disease.

Oh by the way... when I was your age, I was married. Ugh. *HEAD MEET BRICK WALL*.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 17
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 7:48:35 AM
Because some have been affected by the ugly side of romance (and sometimes, there is a very ugly side to it) and have paid dearly for it, either financially, emotionally, physically or mentally.

As for marriage, it is a beautiful thing...until it dissolves. Then it becomes a business transaction similar to a hostile takeover of a corporation. :) Mine was very amicable, but I have known people who have been through some very messy divorces that last for years and years.

With respect to children, speaking for myself, I love kids and love being around them. But I have raised mine. It is not very palatable for me to consider chasing around a very energetic two year old and doing the things that little ones require. I think many people my age would agree.

Personally, I'm not bitter about love or marriage or romance, or relationships. I still believe they are precious gifts and those that have them are truly privileged.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 18
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Posted: 4/1/2013 8:12:57 AM
At 19 you are just starting out and learning about love, marriage, family, and how it all fits together and not, with your personal thoughts, your professional goals, and your day in and day out willingness to compromise, stand your ground, and admit all that you have done wrong!!

In other words OP, you are a child just entering the "tunnel of love", and once in that tunnel, the darkness can be both wonderful and the scariest thing that one can experience. One enters that tunnel with the hope of enjoying the ride and emerging from that tunnel with a partner that fits you like a glove, and feels the same way as you do about life, living, and all that goes with it!

The reality is that most times it does not work that way, and when you have two individuals that are equals in every way possible, with goals that they have planned for themselves, changing much of it for the pleasure of the other and a potential family, can be difficult at best, and impossible for far far to many.

The idea about love and marriage is wonderful, the reality of making it work while keeping your own identity and individuality, almost impossible!!

cd
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 19
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 8:16:39 AM
I'm not bitter. I'm just way smarter than I was when I was younger and know exactly what I want in a partner. And I know what I will and won't tolerate -- habits, quirks, hobbies, etc. But a lot of us have been burned (some of us many times), so perhaps we are a bit jaded and cynical. I always try to be positive, but honestly, the likelihood of finding a partner who's willing to stick around for the long haul on a dating site -- the chances are pretty slim. People get too addicted to looking and wondering if they could do better.
 TheCoolGreenMoss
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 20
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Posted: 4/1/2013 11:17:37 AM
Why? .

Once bitten, twice shy?

When you've been to The Land of Broken Dreams and Shattered Hopes - your outlook on life can change... lol Seriously though - with age, comes experience, and everyone's experiences are different.

Personally I'm not apprehensive/jaded - but some are (same for any age probably.)
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 21
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Posted: 4/1/2013 1:14:46 PM

Blonde_Angel
I would love to meet a man I find attractive enuf to phuck who also finds me attractive enuf to phuck



Stubidooo
I find it hard to believe this is really that hard for a woman.. but who knows


One of your basic problems in life, not just online dating. Everyone wants to “date up” not down. I’m afraid that I’m guilty of the same thing.
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 22
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 1:19:08 PM
I been told by two very independent women friends that I should not to get involved with women again, they're nothing but a pain-in-the-ass.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 23
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 1:39:41 PM
For a 19 year old you sure seem confident in YOUR own personal "beliefs". Not that there is anything wrong with that but, I sure would like to be around when reality kicks you smack in the side of the head. Dating a mormon should speed that process up.

Honestly young lady, you should learn to listen and observe a little better. I don't know who told you that "marriage" and romance/love are one and the same???? They are not. Though, I am sure you have a few people in your life telling you differently. Shame on them.
 puppylover2
Joined: 8/5/2010
Msg: 24
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Posted: 4/1/2013 3:02:40 PM
I'm not bitter after my divorce - in which our assets were equally divided between my ex and myself. There were no children, so there are/were no difficulties to resolve along those lines. We had just grown apart and now, looking back, maybe we never should have been married, but in those days co-hababitation before marriage was not the thing to do - unfortunately!

Now, I've been on my own for a very long time, and much as I would like to find someone to share my life with, I cannot imagine remarriage. I earn a good income, I have a decent home, I enjoy my independence, I come and go as I please with no explanations needed. If, by some chance, I should meet the right person it might seem right to once again live with a man, but I seriously doubt that there will be any legally binding agreements.
 LathaMath
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 25
40
Posted: 4/1/2013 3:53:50 PM
very apprehensive about falling in love. And even more jaded over the idea of marriage.
"apprehesive" = "jaded"? Need to get your theories sorted out. It's already been noted marriage is not necessarily a logical progression of "falling in love". Marriage is for the legal protection of children. Unfortunately one parent usually gets the assets for the sake of the children. Which parent do you think that might be? Still, I supposed family law is not as unfair as tax law. Is any law fair? To all?

I could see falling in love, but not living together or sharing assets. Love is spiritual, above all that temporal stuff, no? On a higher plane? I'm also not cynical about romance, "romance" = "sex". In fact I'm rather fond of it.

How does "a lot of older people" become "everyone comes from a place of bitterness". Your thinking is really, really bad. How does that affect the choices you have made in your young life? When I was your age I was living with an older woman (God, she was in her 30's, over the hill!). That lasted until I was 24. Give us a call in 2018.

I never was bitter or "came from a place of bittereness", but my parents were. Thanks to them I avoided marriage and am happily solvent because of it. Learn from other people's mistakes, not your own. Speaking of which, you don't seem to be learning much from what you read in the forums or from wherever you are forming your ideas. When I was established in my career and thinking of possibly marrying I looked around at friends and co-workers who were being wiped out by divorce proceedings and trying to maintain two residences so the children could have a place to sleep during shared custody. Not practical. Not practical at all.

No, you can fall in love, many times over as it turns out, thank you very much, and not be apprehensive, jaded, or bitter. Just don't fall into the trap of marriage!
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