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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > How are you dealing with young adults living at home?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Beautiful.Deviant
Joined: 3/24/2013
Msg: 1
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
What are your thoughts on young adult children living at home. I need to hear how other families are dealing with their offspring staying in the nest once they finish school and start working.

What are the house rules?
Should they pay rent/room and board?
Curfews?
GFs/BFs sleeping over?
Chores?
Prepare meals?
Laundry?
etc...

I turned around and somehow I have an almost 20 year old. He was just 10, I swear. :(
He's chosen to do a trade and is waiting to do his apprenticeship.
He works full-time.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 2
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 4:20:01 PM
IN MY OPINION:

- If he is able-bodied and working he should be paying rent (negotiate on the amount; perhaps a bit of conscription or "child labor" is in order here in lieu of a certain portion of the rent. Otherwise he's just a freeloader.)

- The house rules are whatever you want them to be, since it's YOUR HOUSE. If he doesn't like them, he can GTFO.

- If I were you, that would include no sexual partners sleeping over.

- I would not impose a curfew on a child who has reached the age of majority. Old enough to be an adult, old enough to start acting like one! But if he wants a sleepover, tell him to check with his girlfriend's mommy ;)
 playnyourgame
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 3
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 4:30:30 PM
LOL I really don't like it and for the most part they are not here.

However, I have a 20 year old daughter that stayed with me for a year, I told her just a month ago to move back with her father.
Curfews-yes
GF-BF sleep overs- no
Chores-yes....this is why she had to move because I was doing it all.
Prepare meals- yes i expected this at least a couple times a week, another reason why she needed to move.
Laundry---I did that too with lil help.

I would not allow my "daughter" to come in past 12, however a little before I made her go, i changed it to 1.
I did allow her friends to stay over which was her bestfriend- girl but not often.
I cooked cleaned and did laundry....which she did not contribute to much at all.

I will not allow my grown kids think that I'm still to do for them...when they're able..this was going to far and I made her leave. Now she comes back over when her younger sister comes....and things are so different every other week she's here. Much better.
 playnyourgame
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 4
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 4:31:29 PM
I will also add.
She's in college and works, however she has not always had a job.
 Just___Jim
Joined: 10/21/2012
Msg: 5
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 4:43:13 PM

What are the house rules?
Should they pay rent/room and board?
Curfews?
GFs/BFs sleeping over?
Chores?
Prepare meals?
Laundry?
etc...What



Yes, as adulthood and room and board is also a responsibility,and even more so if they are still living under the same roof till they get their own place.


ps I'm glad you like to read! And as a side note as you have a block, my nephew wife who is a actor does Jane Austen here in Il. I enjoy her work much!
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 6
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 5:04:34 PM

What are the house rules?
Should they pay rent/room and board?
Curfews?
GFs/BFs sleeping over?
Chores?
Prepare meals?
Laundry?......He works full-time.


Mine are a little younger than yours but not too much so. My house rules will be a combination of what they are now and the good parts of my own experiences living at home...

YES - They should pay rent/room and board and not a pissy amount either. This isn't about screwing them over. It's about teaching them that they can't have everything and need to prioritize their finances. Those young adults who live home rent free are, IMO, the ones that get into debt when they do finally move out. They are used to having a disposable income, likely a car, and probably a nice one, and they have no understanding of want vs need. Rent free living whilst saving for 'whatever' is a big mistake parents make IMO.

When we grew up, the rule was save a third of the income, spend a third (stuff/life/car/whatever) and a third went to my parents. Did they need it? No. but as adults, who were working, we were no longer financially dependent on my parents and it wasn't their responsibility to finance us indefinitely. My children are very clear that once they are finished full time education, if they wish to continue living here, they are welcome to under the same rules. I'm not financing a young adult sitting around doing nothing whilst he figures out what he wants to do with his life nor am I financing them once they are earning. Once school is done, so is the free ride. If they don't want to contribute, then good luck finding somewhere cheaper, and visit when you can.

I didn't hang around long, not because of these rules but because I was 16 and knew everything - but my sister stayed home for about 4 years after leaving school. On her wedding day, my parents gave her a savings book for an account in her name, into which they had deposited every penny she had given them for housekeeping. They never intended keeping it or spending it. It wasn't about the money, it was about teaching us to prioritize, to live within out means, to understand that if we wanted another night out, that our rent/board, car payments, insurance and other responsibility came first. And if there wasn't any money left over, too bad. We were taught not to borrow money or lend money we couldn't afford to gift.

Curfews -I don't think curfews are appropriate for adults - as long as they are considerate. If they are going to be out all night, just let me know so I'm not worried. If coming in late, have some consideration for the other people in the house and do so quietly. And if stumbling in drunk, barf in the toilet and clean up your own mess.

GFs/BFs sleeping over? I don't have an issue with this although we've always been pretty open about sex in this house. What I would say is there needs to be a reason for it, and it will be the exception rather than the rule. I'm not running a hotel or an open house for all. It's not a drop in center either. If they were out late to a special event, and getting a cab home and if she lived a distance in the opposite direction, then yes, I would prefer my sons bring their GF's here, rather than put them in a cab home alone. If she lives two doors away, then there's no valid reason for her being here overnight, and if the boys want to play house with their partners, they are more than able to move out and do so. I have no intention of having an extra person in my home regularly for their convenience.

Chores? My kids have always done chores. There are three of us living in the house contributing to the mess and so three of us are responsible for the day to day clear up in the house. Of course when they were smaller their chores were minimal and of course, because I work from home I do most of the tidying up as I go. But they are expected to chip in as and when asked or as needed. i.e. I do the grocery shopping but I'm not lugging it all into the house and unpacking it alone if they are home. They know that and so come to help once I call out and as I drop the first load in the hallway. If the dishwasher needs uploading/turning on, whoever notices it's full or the cycle has finished, deals with it. We each clean up after ourselves as we go. I don't clean their rooms because I don't step foot in them uninvited, likewise, they don't do mine. We all knock on each others door if we need the attention of whose room it is. However, I will go into their rooms to drop off clean laundry (I don't put their laundry away, just place it on their beds for them to deal with). This is my house and no room is out of bounds to me but of course, basic courtesy, manners and respect of privacy applies to us all. If the garbage can is full, however notices empties it, although the boys drag it all curbside on collection day. I only do that if no one is home. I rarely mow the lawn either. One of the boys will do that, although admittedly, that is a task I always have to ask them to do.

Prepare meals? I do meal prep but mainly because if they did it, everyone would eat something different and I can't control the costs of that plus again, I work from home so am here to do it but if I say I need a hand chopping veggies, one or the other will come and help. Likewise, if I am out for the evening, they know they have to fend for themselves. I don't cook unless I am going to be here for the meal too.

Laundry? Again - I do most of it because I'm home. If one of the boys is running low of clothes or wants a particular item washing, they gather up the household laundry and put on a white/dark/colored wash depending on what they need. They wouldn't just do their wanted items. That makes no sense. My oldest one tends to do more laundry than the younger one but that's because his bedroom is in the basement where the laundry room is, so when he hears the cycle finish, he'll deal with it. My youngest son tends to carry it all upstairs once it's done. I just leave the basket on the bottom step, and they'll pick it up when passing it.

Are you just thinking of introducing chores now? Does your son not know already where he stands and what is expected of him?
 Beautiful.Deviant
Joined: 3/24/2013
Msg: 7
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 5:18:21 PM
Thanks for the replies so far. I concur with much of what has been said.
I wondered if I was wrong because he said his friend's parents don't charge their kids to stay at home once they finish school and start working.

I'm not in the financial situation to keep feeding, clothing and sheltering him...esp. when he spends his money on beer, liquor, cigarettes, strip clubs, take out food, a tim horton's habit, non-holiday gifts for his gf and her parents, $100 bottles of cologne, $300 watches, a new 2013 truck, a pet snake that needs a warming lamp on 24/7.

I just want him to see that we need him to help out if he is going to stay here.
I want him to be able to save for his future, a home, travel while he is still here...because I'm not going to be able to give him a big cash gift like some families do when their kids are graduated, marrying or ready to leave.

He'd rather pay money to someone else than help out at home.
He just walked out the door.
He breaks my heart.
:(
 Beautiful.Deviant
Joined: 3/24/2013
Msg: 8
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 5:22:27 PM
He stopped doing the five chores he is listed to do when he started working, including helping with meals.
He didn't feel he had to do them because he was working.

He failed to see the irony that I was supposed to do it when I got home from my full-time job.
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 9
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 5:30:43 PM

I wondered if I was wrong because he said his friend's parents don't charge their kids to stay at home once they finish school and start working.


I don't give a fig what other parents are doing. That's on them. I have seen that the kids who live rent free, have no idea how to manage money. They are used to spending 100% of the income on their wants and so, when they leave home and have a mortgage, they aren't used to going without anything. They then feel the need to continue spending in the manner they always have as adults and do so, using credit cards. It doesn't take long once they leave home to get into debt and guess whose house they will be looking at living in once theirs has been repossessed? They'll be expecting to bring their partners and kids too - because having been allowed to live rent free previously, they'll expect it again.

IMO, as parents, our job is to prepare them for the real world. Being able to spend 100% of an income on themselves, is not the real world. Living rent free whilst they save, is not the real world (it's avoiding paying a need and using that money for a want). Living by their means is. And if they can't have a life and cover their bills, then they have to learn to reduce the unnecessary bills (like, cellphones, cars, and car running costs) or get a bigger income. It's that simple.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 10
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 6:07:54 PM
My son is almost 20. This is his second year out of high school. Last year he started TAFE (Technical College) but withdrew because of medical issues. He has had a part time job since he second last year of high school so he bumped the hours up on that and was working about 12 hours a week.

He just started an apprenticeship about 6 weeks ago.

Since leaving school he has had to pay $100 a week board. Initially his mobile phone was on my home phone plan and I covered it ($20pm). When he decided he wanted a smart phone, he bought himself one and pays the monthly account for that now himself. None of his friends pay more than $50 a week, some pay none. None of his friends have to do any housework or cook meals.

My son has to do an even split of the housework. I have told him I am treating him as if he is a housemate, not an offspring. I don't pick up after him, I don't do his washing (haven't done that for him since he was about 13) and I expect him to cook a couple of times a week but whoever cooks, the other cleans up so it's still a shared duty.

When he tried to negotiate cheaper board, I told him that he could pay no board at all if he liked, instead he could buy his own groceries. I made up a grocery list for him and told him that for $100, he could have 3 meals a day, one apple per day and juice on week days, along with toiletries etc.

Then I showed him how much it would cost him to live out of home, and how much I could save if he lived out of home. Then I made him sign the piece of paper to acknowledge that he had read and understood the costings. :)

He has never complained since.

As for house rules, he can have his male friends over whenever he likes he just has to let me know, and he has to tidy away any clutter before they arrive. If he has a steady girlfriend, she can stay over but no bringing girls home from nightclubs/parties. I don't ask him where he is going or what time he'll be home. I have asked him to let me know if he isn't going to come home, as I would let him know if I wasn't coming home. That's just a personal safety issue.

+1 to everything import said.
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 11
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History
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 6:08:01 PM
My 22 year old has returned home a couple of times, for short periods. The rules were simple...this is a co-operative living situation where all people are required to equal and fair input;eg chores, rent, food. In our situation, he was raised to do his own washing, participate in meal prep and contribute financially when employed.
He never stayed long as he actually prefers to live independently.
Would you put up with being a doormat if you were renting your room to a non-relative? Impose the same rules on him as you would with someone who is just renting a room from you.
Good luck!
 savanna919
Joined: 3/27/2013
Msg: 12
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 7:42:20 PM
In this day and economy, it often makes sense for young adults to live at home. Actually, it's mostly Americans that think their children should be out of the home by age 18 or 21. Many other cultures allow (insist?) their adult children live at home until they marry or even longer.
It depends on the circumstances, but I don't see anything wrong with adult children living at home. Yes, there are house rules. The one that owns the house makes the rules. Yes, they should pay room and board. Reasonable curfews for adults. No sleep overs--get a (hotel) room. Yes chores. Meals--depends--can they cook? Laundry--everyone does his/her own.
My son is over 30, working on an advanced degree, an internship, dissertation and 40 hr a week job. I have a large house and plenty of room. I enjoy his company and will miss him when he moves out this summer. He not only pays, but takes out the trash, gets my oil changed and does whatever else I ask. It's important to have a clear understanding and good communcation.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 13
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 7:51:01 PM
Here's what my parents did when I moved back in with them as a young adult, after some years out of the nest:

No rent, so I could save to move out again
No curfew, but I was expected to call if I would be gone overnight so they wouldn't worry
No sleep-over guests - it was their house
Permission required to invite anyone for a visit, meal, etc. - it was their house
I picked up after myself, cooked for myself, bought my own food, ran my own errands, did my own laundry, and all stuff like that there, like any good roommate, and often did these things for them as well, as a thank-you for no rent

It worked out well, and in a few months I was back on my feet and out the door again. I endorse it.
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 14
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History
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 8:25:05 PM

What are your thoughts on young adult children living at home. I need to hear how other families are dealing with their offspring staying in the nest once they finish school and start working.


It's YOUR house, so it's YOUR rules. If your kid doesn't like it, he can move out.
Charge him rent
Charge him for food
Charge him for laundry, etc
He'll have to pay for all that when he moves out, anyway.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 15
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 10:19:36 PM
When my son was living here, the rules were simple.

1. Canada is a democracy. There is democracy all over the damned place...when you step out the front door. Inside the door, it is a dictatorship. Remember that.
2. If you are at school, you don't need to contribute much to household expenses.
3. If you are not at school, you contribute to household expenses, if you are working.
4. If you are not at school or working, you become Jeeves, the housekeeper. You must earn your keep somehow. The only thing you don't touch is my laundry, my bedroom, and my bathroom, the rest is your responsibility, while I work my hiney off to put the roof over your head, the hot water in the tank for your showers, the food in the fridge for your belly, and the electricity and gas in the switches to give you light and heat.
5. I have veto power on everything. EVERYTHING.
6. Don't ever make me pull out the spatula of death.

:)
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 16
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/2/2013 11:53:57 PM
Don't ever make me pull out the spatula of death.

Perfect. Hilarious!

"This is what I am willing to pay to keep Claire living in Seattle, not living with me," my ex-husband says about our 23-year old daughter. He pays $700 per month for Claire's car payment, car insurance and medical insurance. Plus he "back fills" Claire's budget when she get low on money near the end of the month.

Claire is very lucky to have a father who is willing and able to pay $700/month to help her. She works full time while in nursing school.
 raxarsr
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 17
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How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/3/2013 1:46:17 AM
give him half the bills.......you cook...he does dishes........his laundry sits until he does it........if he dont like it.....theres the door

i guarentee that when he comes back......he'll be more than willing to pay room and board
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 18
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How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/3/2013 8:23:10 AM
An adult child is an adult. It's the norm in most cultures (and in N. America pre WW2) that adult children lived with their parents. Nothing 'weird' about it or some sign of lack of maturity, resposibility, etc.). What I found odd when I came to North America is how mothers would sometimes feel guilty of having an adult son live with them. As if it was a social stigma..'what's wrong with him?'. 'She feeds him and does his laundry!' So what? she's his mother. Why in our society does a mother need to apologize for feeling needed by her son or daughter?

Generalizations are just that. You know your own child inside out. What makes them tick. Is providing for him/her a positive or just promoting lack of maturity or delaying much needed social skills? The stereotype of the man living at home being a 'momma's boy' is misdirected. Mom and son have a particular dynamics and nothing wrong with it as long as he can function fine in the rest of his life outside the home.
 lapsteelplayer
Joined: 3/7/2013
Msg: 19
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/3/2013 10:15:34 AM
It is a good question and one I'm currently dealing with. My son will be 23 this month, has a good job I helped him get and lives with his GF on his own. All is good.

My daughter is still in college and splits her "at home' time between me and her mother. We have basically different rules, so she stays at her mom's house most of the time, which is fine. To me the strain is not the children but the new mates in both my and my ex's life not agreeing with my ex's and my parenting styles.
 StrykinOut
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 20
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/3/2013 10:53:53 AM
My two older (24 and 22) children are welcome to come home anytime. If they are in school, no charge. If they work, they pay rent and buy their own food. No overnight guests. Those are my rules. Your home, set up whatever boundaries you desire.
 AthatitaApudetat
Joined: 9/26/2012
Msg: 21
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/3/2013 11:30:02 AM
My daughter and her family currently moved in do to lose of jobs in SC. When she moved in her little brother also came with her. I personally love having them here and my house is plenty big enuff to hold all of us. You have to set rules just like you would roomates fortunatly my daughter already knows my house rules so its easy for me. We do things not for me but for the house which we live in, kinda like the Waltons tv show. I personally hope they never move out.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 22
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/3/2013 11:58:57 AM
his friend's parents don't charge their kids to stay at home once they finish school and start working.
^^
They're idiots

I'm not in the financial situation to keep feeding, clothing and sheltering him...
^^
Then don't. It ain't rocket science.

he spends his money on beer, liquor, cigarettes, strip clubs, take out food, a tim horton's habit, non-holiday gifts for his gf and her parents, $100 bottles of cologne, $300 watches, a new 2013 truck, a pet snake that needs a warming lamp on 24/7.
^^
If I were you, I'd be having my hand out demanding cash, and not a pissy amount either. Or, everything gets pawned.

I just want him to see that we need him to help out if he is going to stay here.
^^
Sounds to me .. he isn't and never will.

I want him to be able to save for his future, a home, travel while he is still here
^^
Did you not just notice the spendings of his you listed? ^^^ this ain't happening

...because I'm not going to be able to give him a big cash gift like some families do when their kids are graduated, marrying or ready to leave.
^^
You, and many others. Don't feel like you are the only one.

He'd rather pay money to someone else than help out at home.
^^
Show him the front door

He just walked out the door.
^^
Oh goody!

He breaks my heart.
^^
Because you let it be broken. Buck up mom. Real life lessons are never easy.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 23
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/3/2013 12:11:02 PM

...esp. when he spends his money on beer, liquor, cigarettes, strip clubs, take out food, a tim horton's habit, non-holiday gifts for his gf and her parents, $100 bottles of cologne, $300 watches, a new 2013 truck, a pet snake that needs a warming lamp on 24/7.

Okay, well, that isn't an adult child who needs a helping hand by way of a place to stay temporarily, that's just a self-indulgent wastrel. I'm sorry, I know it's your son and that can't feel good to hear. He is, though.

He just walked out the door.

Count your blessings.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 24
How are you dealing with young adults living at home?
Posted: 4/3/2013 12:23:16 PM
I have a 28 yr old son who lives w/ me- we r like roomates- he pays 1/2 of certain things so do I. NEITHER one of us has overnites (many men don't like that I am not a free bed & breakfast, oh well, it can be at their house or they can spring for a hotel/motel!)
We split certain chores, we each prepare our own meals, no drama...
I wouldn't kick him out at this point for some ne'er do-well guy...
No BS from my son or any man I date.
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