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 TrampWithoutaLady
Joined: 12/27/2012
Msg: 1
Not attracted physicallyPage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I am in deep sh**t. I have fallen in love with a woman on a site and she is in love with me.
The problem is that she is not my type physically. I would have never tried to even talk to her had I met her at a party.
We went out on a date and we hit it off instantly. I respect her and do not want to hurt her. I want to keep going out with her but can not get over the physical part. She is overweight and her looks do not turn me on. Her mind is what I am in love with. I do not want to change her but I wish she would.
Because she had not gone out with a man for the last 20 years, she has very dull clothes, bad makeup "skills" and her hair is not to my liking. It is like she stopped being concerned to be atractive.
Writing this I feel like a really bad guy but I just know that if she would be a little more sexy I would be in heaven with her.
Girls, aside from thinking I am an a$$hole what can I do to either get over it or hint at the changes I would like to see.

PS She also had a BO problem that I squarely addressed and she has made the changes to solve the problem.
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 2
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 8:41:03 AM
Overweight and ugly (in your eyes) would be bad because it doesn't change really.
Mind is a great thing, so that's good.
All other things (clothes, hair, makeup) are no biggie, she will probably feel better after an update. I'd wear anything a woman wants to see on me (except a condom).

You have to decide whether her character outshines her looks FOR YOU. It's not shallow, if you don't feel the attraction. It would be hard for her not to feel sexy in your eyes, too. I can deduct quite a bit in the looks department, if she cooks and is good in bed and has a great personality, but there is a bottom line for everyone. Tough call, because you seem to really like her...
 tickle_me_pank
Joined: 9/6/2012
Msg: 3
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Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 8:46:54 AM
Oh my

Dude, there's something to be said for you in the fact that [1] you're in love with her in spite of ____, [2] you didn't flinch at the BO thingy. THREE, there's something to be said for her that she didn't have a meltdown when you gave her the kind of feedback that ain't easy to give to anyone.

Why don't you just give her a bit more of a chance since she's doing the same for you??? I mean if a woman can hear a man tell her she has BO and not blow a gasket, surely she can get a little bit of a makeover and start eating healthy. It's not a big deal to buy some nice clothes and start eating well, I promise ya.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 4
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Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 8:48:01 AM
Personally, physical attraction is important and I am tolerant to a degree which can be influenced by other personal traits she may possess.
However, trying to be with someone outside of my boundaries of physical attraction will always leave a void that will deepen progressively.

Below are some posts/experiences on this very issue.

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts8813981.aspx
 tickle_me_pank
Joined: 9/6/2012
Msg: 5
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Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 8:51:51 AM
P.S. Just don't make this all about her and whatever she's doing wrong..... "Let's get a makeover!!!" Go sign yourselves up for a weekend at the Santa Fe Health Ranch or whatever. C'mon it'll be a blast. ;)
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 6
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 8:53:52 AM
1. I am a girl.
2. I don't think you are an a$$hole, and further, I can sympathize with your dilemma. I totally get that men are visual creatures.

Here's my suggestion;

Plan a fun weekend of events. A "Glamour weekend".

Go clothes shopping for an afternoon, and show her some things that you think would be more flattering for her. When she puts them on, let her know how they look.

When you are on your shopping trip, stop by a makeup store and have one of the sales people show her some of the new lines of cosmetics, and how to apply it. Have a hair appointment set up for her at a salon, and have them do it up really nice.

When she has her nice outfit, her makeup and tips on how to apply it, and her hair done, take your camera, go to a local park or a nice place in town, take some "glamour shots" of her, and frame a really nice photo of her and give it to her as a gift.

For the long term, if she is overweight, plan some physical activities on some of your dates, and make them fun - race walking around a park (the winner has dinner cooked by the other afterwards), a round of golf, bowling, join a salsa class together (this is usually really good for a laugh and is a whole bunch of fun), anything to get the blood pumping. No experience is necessary. That way, you are promoting better health, and she may quite like it and continue the trend even when you aren't around her.

(Now people will probably think I'm an a$$hole too).
 yerkiddinrite
Joined: 12/19/2012
Msg: 7
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:04:03 AM
Years ago I was with a man who looked at me one day and said, "If only you could lose the weight around your middle, you would be beautiful". I felt bad about myself for a long time after that day and my self esteem really suffered. I felt like I wasn't good enough and didn't measure up to his ideal. I felt like he was doing me a favor dating me because as he put it, "I've never dated a woman as heavy as you." I ended that relationship and took some time to really think about it. It took me a while, but I decided that if a man doesn't think I'm beautiful or desirable the way I am when he meets me, then I don't want to be with him.............at all. I don't want to have to transform myself to what a mans "ideal woman" is.

You are entitled to your preferences. If this woman doesn't "do it" for you, in the end you will just hurt her regardless of how "in love" you are with her mind. You should walk away now before you cause heartache.

And by the way, I checked your profile and it appears that you're a pretty big boy yourself. I'll bet she is willing to accept you just the way you are.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 8
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:07:52 AM

Her mind is what I am in love with.


Then you are not in love. You are infatuated. When you are really in love. She could be missing a foot and you couldn't care less.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 9
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:09:41 AM

One thing to add to QT's list though...take her to get a mani-pedi!!!!!!! :D There is NOTHING that makes you feel better about yourself than getting a mani-pedi!!!


Oohhh!! Yes!!! Please add this to my Weekend-O-Glamour! STAT!! :D
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 10
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:15:28 AM
This posting doesn't make much sense. How can you fall madly in love with someone you're not attracted to? You said you met her on another site, then said you met her at a party. Which is it? Then you say you went on a date with her. Why? If you first met her on line, why did you pursue her, or if she pursued you, why did you go for it? Do the same thing other people do when they don't want have a romantic relationship connection with someone: Friend Zone her. Problem solved. If she doesn't go for that, it's her loss. Does she realize why she hasn't gone out with a man in 20 years? It looks like she doesn't care if she goes out with a man in the next 20 years, which she won't since she doesn't care how she looks or smells. Why would you even consider dating a slob you're not attracted to, even though you like her mind? How can you really know her mind? People say all of the right things with someone new. The true person comes out later-sometimes much later.
 dobbie101
Joined: 1/24/2011
Msg: 11
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Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:22:27 AM
So.
You think that the doo doo is deep now. This is your doo doo, you created it, and now? It appears to me that now you want to share it around...In love with a lady who is imperfect...whoops. If you actually like this lady then stand up and wash the stink of yourself away.
 TrampWithoutaLady
Joined: 12/27/2012
Msg: 12
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:36:00 AM
Completely and QT thank you for your advise and support.
She is very open to suggestions. I have offered to have her meet a friend of mine that does makeups at pharmacy makeup counters and she was very receptive. I have also suggested she takes me along on cloth shopping sprees and she loved that. The real question is how far can I go with this before she does not appreciate it anymore.

PS The reason she did not go out for 20 years is that she was heartbroken then and buried herself in her work which she loves.
 ManOfAdventure28
Joined: 3/8/2013
Msg: 13
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Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:38:29 AM
You're going to have her do all the things that you want: dress like you want, get her dair done to your liking and then you're still going to be left with the same problem. You're not going to fancy her.

That sounds crueler than being honest.....
 TrampWithoutaLady
Joined: 12/27/2012
Msg: 14
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:38:57 AM
Malemen read the question correctly. I did not meet her at a party. I said if I would have, I would not have approached her.
I went on a date with her because we had been communicating for a week and it was very god. She had only a face shot.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 15
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History
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:39:03 AM
In love after 3 months????
Buy her a day of beauty at a good salon they will teach her to apply makeup and give her ideas for easy upkeep, take her clothes shopping, join a gym together. If you want to build a better GF then you have to pay for the renovations.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 16
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:40:16 AM
Looks at fleeting. You are attracted to her as a person. The weight thing, she can work on. She is already working on the BO things. Give it a chance. You never know what diamond this lump of coal can me if she is willing to work with you. Too many people put attraction as the highest thing. It is not for me. I have met attractive on the outside, but that is about it. We would all like the whole package, but that comes every blue moon. Sometimes when you find that person, they feel the same about you..

So my advice OP, work with her. Sounds like you have at least something to work with if it is only your heart that cares about her.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 17
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:46:39 AM
OP...This is a tough question...I need to have that physical attraction before I continue dating anyone.
I have friends that try to look past the "no attraction"...then want to change the persons appearance..grooming habits etc....to conform to what they wanted....not with good results...I might add.

You say...you are "in love" with her mind...is that enough?
As someone said....Maybe, she was depressed and she may be receptive to you molding her.
You both could lose weight...she may have some suggestions of her own...
How about shaving that beard and moustache off for her?
I don't know....If a man says to me..."I like your mind but......
I'd go...that's alright...nothing wrong with friends then...is there?
Every woman wants to be desired.....imo.
Good Luck!

Edited in for below for this...

How can you fall madly in love with someone you're not attracted t

answer....

That is simple, you fall in love with all of the person

Lol...then "why" would you want to change them?? Doesn't make sense!!
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 18
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:49:06 AM
You probably won't have to go far at all. BTW, have your make-up friend suggest a new hairstyle to her, girl to girl. :)

From the sounds of it, she stopped caring about her appearance because of the heartbreak of 20 years ago. She will probably start really enjoying being a girl again, wearing nice clothes, new makeup, etc. Just be patient with her. It has taken her 20 years to get to this point. She is not going to transform into Heidi Klum in a week. :) What you can do, is be encouraging and appreciating her efforts when she makes them. THAT will go the furthest in helping her get back to enjoying and expressing her femininity. This stuff is going to feel foreign to her at first, so let her get used to it.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 19
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:50:24 AM

How can you fall madly in love with someone you're not attracted to?

That is simple, you fall in love with all of the person. You fall in love with the things you like and dislike about that person. If you are thinking that you are going to find a 100% match in everything you want, then you have a lonely life ahead of you. No one is perfect. A person can be a 100% for you, but looking at you she is at 45%. So you never know.

Attraction is mental & physical. You can use one to overcome the other, but when they are together, it is magical and special.
 StLCardsChick
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 20
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:56:54 AM
What if she makes all these changes and becomes more attractive and develops more self esteem but then decides that just maybe she isn't as attracted to you?
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 21
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:57:55 AM

That is simple, you fall in love with all of the person.


Precisely.

The person who I would consider the biggest love of my life to this point, was someone who I was not initially physically attracted to. I went out with him the second, third and forth time because much like the OP, I liked him as a person. He became physically attractive to me over time, without having changed a thing. Pretty soon, he was the most handsome man that ever walked the face of the earth, in my eyes.
 Hasty_Pudding
Joined: 2/26/2013
Msg: 22
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:58:40 AM
Hinting may not be needed. After 20 years alone, she got used to focusing her time and attention elsewhere. If you two continued to date, I'd bet she'd probably naturally return to taking more care of her appearance.

Your ability to address things head-on is great to have. Her ability to receive that kind of input is a great attribute too.

Put that in your back pocket for awhile though, and enjoy watching while she blossoms in ways that surprise you, in the sunshine of your warm and nourishing love.
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 23
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 9:58:44 AM
That's the thing - while the person's personality and attitude are more important in the long run, you still have to have mutual attraction. It's not so easy.

I would see if she would be willing to walk or workout with you, do some serious activities that would cause her to loose weight.

You have to be very careful talking about a woman's weight or body - it can be unloving - I would not do it.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 24
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 10:02:38 AM

Girls, aside from thinking I am an a$$hole what can I do to either get over it or hint at the changes I would like to see.

Naw, I think she may be lucky to have you and possibly vice versa. I think you should take the time to find out.... I agree with that weekend makeover spa thing... Or take a healthy cooking class, get a canoe and paddle it around together while telling dirty jokes and drinking wine, go for long walks, yoga for lazy beginners, whatever. You have nothing to lose, really, and everything to gain for all the right reasons.... Good luck to you
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 25
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/5/2013 10:05:16 AM
I agree with StLCardsChick ...

And without trying to be mean, OP, you're overweight yourself. And not very tall. You might want to take a good long look in the mirror before criticizing this woman's physical appearance under the guise of trying to help her better herself.

If you "love" her, maybe you should both join a gym -- get makeovers -- whatever it takes. But if you expect changes from her, you need to make some to yourself.
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