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 lord-baltimore
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 1
The unspoken three day rulePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I've been trying unsuccessfully for 3 1/2 years to meet someone through this site. So far I have only had a couple of offline meets and they ended up being very unsuccessful. I suppose that's better than nothing, but in the end I'm still alone.

But the thing that really bugs me to no end is how few people here can hold a conversation here. I read so many profiles from women on this site complaining that "all guys just want/ talk about is booty call/ sex/ get some" etc. Well not all of us are here for just that. So in those rare moments I actually get a response and we start conversing, we start talking, and for a couple of days everything seems to go well. I give no sex talk, never even hint at it, so I can't be accused of being one of "those" guys.

But after two or three days, they never speak again. It is a frustrating experience that plays out time and time again.

Maybe some people here can help me shed light on this.

1. How long is a good time to chat online before you suggest meeting in person? I'm a bit timid when it comes to making the first move, and both my meet offline experiences were initiated by the woman.

2. How many times do you message someone before it crosses the line into being pushy? I generally send one reply and if I don't hear back anymore, I simply assume she's not interested. Right or wrong?

3. Has anyone else had the same experiences or am I the only one?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2
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The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/6/2013 7:44:45 AM
You are the only one.

No, seriously, do some reading of the forums. There are lots of threads about the why's and how's and what's of conversations, why they start, why they end, and so on.

More than anything else though, your questions start from the FALSE idea that everyone here is the same, such that someone CAN come up with an answer to "how long" or "how many times."
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 3
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The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/6/2013 8:54:09 AM

1. How long is a good time to chat online before you suggest meeting in person? I'm a bit timid when it comes to making the first move, and both my meet offline experiences were initiated by the woman.


This is ENTIRLEY between you and her. There are NO rules. If you are told that there are rules, ignore them.
Afterall, this is what relating to each other and not some preceived rulebook is all about.



2. How many times do you message someone before it crosses the line into being pushy? I generally send one reply and if I don't hear back anymore, I simply assume she's not interested. Right or wrong?


I would suggest one thoughtful initiation of communication should suffice. If she fails to respond, leave it alone.
However, after a long period of time and you come across her profile again, there is no harm in attempt two of contact. If she fails to repy at that point, she's not likely to ever respond favourably if at all.



3. Has anyone else had the same experiences or am I the only one?


Extremely common for many different reasons. Lots of nibbles in the pond. You want the bites!

Oh, and please ignore any silly dating rules such as the three day rule. Communicate with your partner to decide how to proceed based on mutual trust and comfort.
 lord-baltimore
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 4
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/6/2013 9:03:16 AM
Well at least one person here knows how to respond with more than a smart assed remark, and I'm grateful for that.

Again, I'm not talking about simply making the first contact here. I've had conversations that go well. Day one the conversation goes well. Day two it goes well, and she seems interested. Day three, MIA. Or sometimes there is a third day of engaging conversation before she goes MIA.

Why go through the trouble of sounding interested in the first place?

Oh, and the whole three day rule thing is just something I made up for illustration purposes. I couldn't think of any better way to explain this phenomenon.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 5
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The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/6/2013 9:18:25 AM

Day one the conversation goes well. Day two it goes well, and she seems interested. Day three, MIA. Or sometimes there is a third day of engaging conversation before she goes MIA.

Why go through the trouble of sounding interested in the first place?


I would not concern myself with this as it would be beyond my control, wasted energy, and self defeatist.
There are many reasons people cease communication. None of those reasons will help you in extending those communications to any constructive end.
My focus and energy would be better directed towards fulfilling my profile objectives.

I realize that this may not be the answer you wanted to read but seriously, why beat yourself up over it?
 Advwench
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 6
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/6/2013 9:28:02 AM
I think the logical response, based on your experience, would be to propose a meet on day two. Worst she can do is say no, right?
 Belluvthebawl
Joined: 2/19/2013
Msg: 7
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/6/2013 10:38:04 AM
Well at least one person here knows how to respond with more than a smart assed remark, and I'm grateful for that.

And that comment right there tells me EVERYTHING I need to know about why you are still single.

Good luck out there!!
 OzzGirl22
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 8
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/6/2013 10:52:40 AM
Dude, you have selected to Date with Nothing Serious. To most this means that you only want a fling.
Your main pic looks like a mug shot taken in the dark. This is the first impression you are giving.
Run, don not walk to Profile Review. Hurry!

Good luck!
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 9
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/6/2013 11:17:16 AM
This is known as the "poof." As in, they go poof... happens to everyone.

Since your experience seems fairly uniform with it, I agree with Advwench's suggestion on how to maybe forestall it. Worth a try!

And yes, you're right, no response = not interested.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 10
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/6/2013 11:50:26 AM

I've been trying unsuccessfully for 3 1/2 years to meet someone through this site. So far I have only had a couple of offline meets and they ended up being very unsuccessful. I suppose that's better than nothing, but in the end I'm still alone.

I always advise people to stop trying. Meeting people and forming relationships of all kinds is just a human organic thing that happens and doesn't require a lot of effort and formulaic planning. Because it takes two people to form a relationship of some kind, we don't have a lot of control over much in the picture outside our attitudes and our accessibility to other people. If you are fairly outgoing and get out around people, the rest will usually happen naturally.

Thinking that being single (none of us are truly alone) is a punishment and being part of a couple is the definition of happiness doesn't help the situation much either.

But the thing that really bugs me to no end is how few people here can hold a conversation here. I read so many profiles from women on this site complaining that "all guys just want/ talk about is booty call/ sex/ get some" etc. Well not all of us are here for just that. So in those rare moments I actually get a response and we start conversing, we start talking, and for a couple of days everything seems to go well. I give no sex talk, never even hint at it, so I can't be accused of being one of "those" guys.

Many men don't talk about sex. That's typically more how it should be most of the time, instead of a rare thing.

But after two or three days, they never speak again. It is a frustrating experience that plays out time and time again.

Them dropping off conversation and you not talking about sex are connected how?

Maybe some people here can help me shed light on this.

I'll do my best.

1. How long is a good time to chat online before you suggest meeting in person? I'm a bit timid when it comes to making the first move, and both my meet offline experiences were initiated by the woman.

As soon as you feel that the conversation is going well and you feel there's an interest on the other end. It may take time to be able to gauge that - until then take a guess and make that move. If she's not into that, she'll let you know. No big deal...you just move on. There's really no formula across the board on this.

2. How many times do you message someone before it crosses the line into being pushy? I generally send one reply and if I don't hear back anymore, I simply assume she's not interested. Right or wrong?

The tennis volley thing is pretty standard and a good rule to follow. Reply once. I don't see a problem with sending a random message a week later asking how they're doing before giving up - sometimes people's e-mails do get lost or buried when they don't sign on for a few days, but that's about it. Bottom line is that if the interest is mutual, they'll find you and match your level of communication.

3. Has anyone else had the same experiences or am I the only one?

Almost everyone here goes through that. People have to learn enough to know if they want to know more - so in the beginning there are a lot of brief conversations that go nowhere. Until you're involved all is a process of elimination, so many times the conversation ends once one person decides they know enough to decide not to continue. It's fairly common...you'll get used to it. It happens in real life too, just in reverse - most decide to talk or respond in person to people they see based on attraction. Online, we can't really go by that - we have to initiate conversation to feel someone out.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11
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The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/6/2013 3:18:32 PM
My response wasn't ONLY an attempt to be a smart ass. I was also trying to seriously encourage you to read these forums, in a general way. There really are tons of useful information here, in all the forums. Those threads do include lots of versions of your questions, so you WILL find lots of useful information for yourself that way.

Really. No hyper-intelligent donkeys involved at all.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 12
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The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/7/2013 12:23:24 AM
What you are experiencing is common in online dating and we have all gone through it. Hell, we still go through it. There are as many reasons for it as there are people. It's not a one size fits all kind of thing. Your questions:
1) This is also not a one size fits all kind of thing. Each situation is different. I wouldn't wait too long though, because she may think you are not really interested in meeting. If the women are the ones initiating the meets, I'd say you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone a little. What do you have to lose? She says no, then move on. Online dating is a numbers game, after all.
2) Personally, I reply to everyone who sends me a message. If I don't hear back from them, I figure they are not interested and I move on. I also sometimes make the first move. Again, if I dont hear back, then I move on.
3) You are not the only one and the situation won't change. One of the necessary evils of online dating.

Bonus: Your pics are bad. You need more pics. They should show you smiling and enjoying life out there.
I can tell by reading your profile that you are indeed an intellectual. That's not a bad thing. You didn't ask and I don't know how to make your profile better. If you think you can take the comments, go to profile review and ask for yours to be reviewed. They will not be gentle, that I can promise you. If you are going to argue and get defensive with them though, it would be a waste of your time. Not theirs cause they would just get rougher and enjoy it-but it wouldn't help you. Good luck!
 lord-baltimore
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 13
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/7/2013 7:38:09 AM
To those who feel the need to armchair-psychoanalyze my profile rather than answer my question I didn't ask for a profile review, I asked for an answer to the question. If I wanted a profile review, I'd go there, and trust me. Stick to the topic at hand.

And thanks to the ones who answered my questions. They were very helpful answers and it helps me to understand them. If only more people could be so helpful!
 lord-baltimore
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 14
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/7/2013 8:18:14 AM
I prefer non-shallow women so it does not faze me if any woman would prefer a fake rolex wearing, pretentious, arrogant jackass like you, j.jj. I am simply amazed a janitor like you can actually form a complete sentence. If that is what impresses people at this site, then I have no need for anyone here. Unlike cue-ball, I prefer a woman of substance.
 lord-baltimore
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 15
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/7/2013 8:44:42 AM
As they say on the internet, "Obvious troll is obvious."

I guess some of you have nothing better to do than troll message boards. More power to you. At least some people here can actually comprehend the concept of one person asking a serious question and getting an answer for it. Like eating ribs, you eat the meat and throw the bones to the dogs.

Petraeus and J.jj, enjoy being dog food.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 16
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/7/2013 8:53:11 AM
OPie, your profile is a *major* part of who you are to anyone you are talking to on a dating site. Yours is damn near opaque. Added to your self confessed willingness to let the lady do all the work, I can see where you'd have problems. You are a bit too old for such teen angst.

If you actually put some work into your profile, it might *help* you come clear to yourself and your contacts about what your wants are and the pace at which you hope to get there. The reason it keeps coming up is that it IS related.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 17
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/7/2013 6:22:26 PM
I’m going to disagree with a few here. You asked,
(Msg #1. Lord-baltimore) But after two or three days, they never speak again. It is a frustrating experience that plays out time and time again.


Obviously it isn’t your picture or profile that is the problem. They are the first things any lady is going to check out before chatting with you and definitely would have checked out before having any second conversation. If the problem was your picture or profile there would never be a second conversation, let alone a third. The problem is the conversation. Something you say turns them off.

You wrote,
So far I have only had a couple of offline meets and they ended up being very unsuccessful.
I’m not sure what “very” means but, again, it appears your picture and profile are attracting the gals but what later transpires is the problem. Simply put, you’re getting chances and blowing it!

As for messaging someone, once is enough. As another poster commented the gal will find you if she’s interested.

You wrote,
How long is a good time to chat online before you suggest meeting in person? I'm a bit timid when it comes to making the first move, and both my meet offline experiences were initiated by the woman.


Again, it’s not a matter of meeting or the length of time chatting. The problem lies in the conversation itself. Whatever you talk about is killing your chances. Do you come across as arrogant? Self-important? Prejudice? Something in your conversations are like a fire extinguisher killing whatever spark the gal thought see saw.

Finally, as for being unsuccessful for 3 ½ years I have found that, generally, people put a minimal amount of effort into finding a partner. It’s like placing an AD in the employment-wanted section of a newspaper saying, “I’m looking for work. Call me.”

When I was dating I used a number of dating services plus placed ADS in the “Personals” in local papers. I looked at it as anything else I desired. Effort has to be expended.

You’re receiving replies and having conversations. That’s a lot more than many others can say. The problem lies in either the substance or delivery of those conversations. That’s where your attention is required, in my opinion.
 lord-baltimore
Joined: 3/11/2013
Msg: 18
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/7/2013 6:28:17 PM
Again, the original discussion was not about my profile and whether the trolls here like it or not, but about maintaining a conversation. I am obviously doing enough to get initial conversations with people or I wouldn't be asking this question. So anyways, I've had a few conversations with people, we make small talk, "regular get-to-know-you" talk, and so forth. I don't talk dirty or give sexual innuendo and am respectful, and then after a couple of days it just ends. Now, I'm not pushy, I send one message and if I don't get a response, I assume lack of interest. So it makes me wonder if by just keeping the conversation civil, are they assuming I'm not interested, and, when is a good time to just ask to meet?

Serious answers appreciated.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 19
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/7/2013 7:06:42 PM

(Msg. #25. Lord-baltimore ) So it makes me wonder if by just keeping the conversation civil, are they assuming I'm not interested, and, when is a good time to just ask to meet?


I can't imagine keeping the first two conversations civil would be a reason for not talking with you further. As to meeting let them know you prefer to meet as soon as possible. Assuming even the first conversation is of sufficient length to determine you're getting along especially well say something like, "It appears we're getting along very well. Of course, until we meet we won't know if I make your toes curl so would you be able to meet for a quick coffee? Are you able to get away for a coffee at lunch time?"

Besides a bit of humor you're phrasing it to sound like it's solely the lady's decision (her toes) and by mentioning lunch you've put out a suggestion. If she replies she's not able to meet at lunch the ball is now in her court to make a suggestion.

What do you think of that?
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 20
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The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/9/2013 9:36:23 PM
I don't chat for 3 days with strangers and until I meet them in person, that is all they are. There is only so much I will share with strangers before I have to meet them in order to find out if they are worthy of knowing more about me and I them. I'm not a chatter, there is only so much small talk that can be said without sounding boring.

So OP, you either turned her off because of chatting to the point of boring or from your conversations, she surmised that you wouldn't be a match.

Meet before you start looking for fill.
 SweetnSmart1
Joined: 12/6/2012
Msg: 21
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The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/10/2013 9:39:32 AM
I don't think there is an "answer." This is actually very common. Someone once compared online dating to shopping in a candy store. You see someone you like, then someone else comes along who seems "better," so you start talking to the new person and forget about the first peson. Rude and not very nice, but it happens all the time. That is when you just move on.
 SpringMataLeao
Joined: 10/12/2012
Msg: 22
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/10/2013 10:17:07 AM
I was on this site back in 2006 and 2007. Most of the meets ended in sex, and FWB situations. Only one actual relationship came from the site (and that started with a blowjob in the movie theatre on our first date)

If you want to get laid, or you want to pay the way for someone elses child..then this is the site for you. If you want a real relationship, try other sites or meeting people in person.
 twelfth_dimension
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 23
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/16/2013 8:14:53 AM
1. How long is a good time to chat online before you suggest meeting in person? I'm a bit timid when it comes to making the first move, and both my meet offline experiences were initiated by the woman.


You need to step out of your shell and ask to meet them. Most people have short attention spans, especially when you are bombarded daily with an influx of new emails. People do not form attachments to pictures and text -- the person behind them has no real substance or humanity until you have met them, thus they are easy to dismiss.


2. How many times do you message someone before it crosses the line into being pushy? I generally send one reply and if I don't hear back anymore, I simply assume she's not interested. Right or wrong?


It depends. Sometimes I forget to write because I get too busy. Sometimes I am genuinely not interested. Again, you are pictures and text -- not a person until you meet.
 last_chance_2012
Joined: 11/17/2012
Msg: 24
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/16/2013 6:57:45 PM
If you want a real relationship, try other sites or meeting people in person.


had a long profile describing myself, my interests, etc , and now, ive lost interest maybe because I haven't had any luck ?
I've tried other sites like rsvp, oasis active, eHarmony, and now plenty of fish,

none of them have worked so far

And meeting people in person ,is like, impossible for me (dating wise of course)

 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 25
The unspoken three day rule
Posted: 4/18/2013 12:02:21 PM

Again, I'm not talking about simply making the first contact here. I've had conversations that go well. Day one the conversation goes well. Day two it goes well, and she seems interested. Day three, MIA. Or sometimes there is a third day of engaging conversation before she goes MIA.

Why go through the trouble of sounding interested in the first place?


I understand what you have experience above. It happened to me as well. The key to this problem is a huge divide between what happens before you meet in person and afterwards. You are spending too much time with the crap that happens before you meet.

So before you meet, your objective is not to talk, to tell your life story. F vck NO. Your objective is quickly make her feel comfortable so you can set up a meeting. There are techniques that facilitate this. Also, unless you are super suave on the phone. Do not use it. Yes, it's very important to get her phone number right after you set up the meeting. And it's important that you talk (not text). But that phone call should last 15 minutes. Remember, whatever you say before you meet over the phone, is now stuff you cannot say in person. So don't use all your stories, all your anecdotes, all that crap that defines what is your life until is done LIVE. Why is that? When you say them live, it amplifies attraction. When you say them over the phone, they mean nothing.

Also, when on email stage, do not send long winded emails, make them quick and short, about something you have in common, something visual that you want to share (not your d ick), something interesting about her life that you want to ask, and always end with questions. He/she who ask the questions, controls the conversation.
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