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 senecacrystal
Joined: 3/18/2013
Msg: 1
performance anxiety for womenPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I was recently with a guy for the first time. I let him stimulate my clit with his fingers (also G spot stimulation) as well as give me oral. I asked him to be gentle, but he wasn't gentle enough and I got sore kinda quickly. I guess he doesn't know his own strength, even though I kept telling him to be more gentle. He seemed very eager to please me and a little disappointed that he couldn't bring me to orgasm. I have reached orgasm in the past by the same techniques, so I know I'm capable of it with a partner.

In this instance I think it was a combination of the over-stimulation and the psychological part of me really wanting him to be able to get me off and feeling bad that he felt bad he couldn't do it for me. Kinda like a snowball effect, the more we kept trying the harder it was to get there. I even had him focus on my breasts while I tried stimulating myself. I finally had to say, sorry we need to stop cuz its just not feeling all that great down there. I know it was our first time together, so as we get more "practice" at it, I'll feel more comfortable and will be able to relax more and hopefully he'll learn what the correct amount of pressure is for my body.

I was just wondering if any women have ever had performance anxiety when it comes to having an orgasm with a partner? If so, did it eventually go away once you became more comfortable w/ your partner?

(and yes, I did try searching this topic in the threads, but didn't find any that were about women's performance anxiety - so please don't scold me if this has been previously discussed)
 sassybaby2013
Joined: 12/31/2012
Msg: 2
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/8/2013 6:09:12 PM
I worry I am not pleasing or doing things to turn on my partner enough. My pleasure is never a worry.
 senecacrystal
Joined: 3/18/2013
Msg: 4
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/8/2013 6:26:22 PM
Thanks for sharing your experience Sugah.

You'd think I was raised Catholic or something by the guilt I was feeling. lol. He was trying his best, but I think it will just take practice, more continued communicating on my part and trying different things before we get it right. At least the rest of the sex was very hot - so that's promising. ;)

And I'm guessing that you're correct about guys being used to being rougher on themselves.
 not_your_girl_next_door
Joined: 6/24/2012
Msg: 5
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/8/2013 7:23:37 PM
I used to be that way, and then I just stopped caring and started getting more vocal. You don't like it, well tell me how you do and I'll do it that way, because I am definitely going to tell you if you're doing it wrong. I did the "living sex toy" thing once, just laid there and faked it, and NEVER again. I don't mind a bit of roughness, but I'll tell you when its too much too.

This could be TMI but.....my current boyfriend and I are trying to get me to "squirting" orgasm, which I've done before with other guys, and its just not working out. I made a joke about it and told him he was too big....but hey, I enjoy myself regardless, I know he enjoys himself lol. We'll get there eventually.
 _Passion4life
Joined: 2/23/2013
Msg: 6
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/8/2013 9:25:44 PM
I get performance anxiety when I dont feel safe with a guy. When I feel safe, I can cum. But when I am put on the spot or have a time limit, forget about it, I cant cum no matter what.

For me the bottom line is I have to feel safe with him, and if I do, then climaxing is my gift to him. If I dont feel safe, then I wont feel safe in the relationship. This is just what works for me...
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 7
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/8/2013 9:30:11 PM
If the problem is about lubrication, there's plenty of oils out there that can keep the friction from being painful.

I think sometimes people just forget that there is times when a body is just not fully in-tune with the feelings, and that trying to encourage it physically just makes it worse. You gotta relax.

One thing I've noticed is that if you STOP trying, allow yourself to calm for a bit - maybe snuggle or something - if you can get to the point of dozing off - like even for just a 5-10 minute catnap - the body seems to re-set itself. The act of drifting off into sleep is almost like re-setting the breaker switch in the fusebox. I can't explain why it happens, but it seems to work.

The other big issue with the act is feeling inhibited. You shouldn't. Communicate. Be vocal. Make noises. Give the other person some indication they are making 'progress' and it's working (or is not working) so they know. The orgasm is in your BRAIN chemistry, so it's gotta feel right between your ears in order to feel right between your legs.
 senecacrystal
Joined: 3/18/2013
Msg: 8
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/8/2013 11:27:41 PM
TN and Sweet Danimal - thank you for your posts and suggestions. Much appreciated :)

Private33r - umm......not sure what to make of your post. The thought that comes to mind.....what are you on?! But thanks for the effort I guess. lol
 AquanGold
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 9
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 3:23:34 AM
Op,
Its not your fault! It sounds like your lover only knew one speed and that was to make your clit feel raw and numb..Sounds like he sure accomplished that in a hurry..

His lack of inexperience caused you to have these anxieties because you weren`t comfortable with how he was trying to arouse you. His strong hands and fingers should have been caressing you more gently, instead of his brute force..of course you weren`t comfortable with his performance, how could you be?!

What he should have done was listen to what you were telling him and should have been alot more gentle with his fingers and probably should have taken his time with you.It sounds as if he were in a hurry and thought it was a contest to get you off!
Your partner needs to "LISTEN" next time and hopefully pay more attention to what your needs are, not his own!
Wish you the best!
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 10
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 4:44:23 AM

I used to be that way, and then I just stopped caring

That's the way to go. Enjoy, whether Big O happens or not. Being nervous and anxious takes away from the fun.

Sugah, faking it will only make him brag about 'no complaints' here...
 spilling_fire
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 11
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 6:28:26 AM
Ask him to watch you while you touch yourself. Not only will it turn him on and turn you on, but it will also allow him to see how you touch yourself, how much pressure you use, how your fingers tease your clit as opposed to rubbing it endlessly.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 12
view profile
History
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 7:39:06 AM

I was just wondering if any women have ever had performance anxiety when it comes to having an orgasm with a partner? If so, did it eventually go away once you became more comfortable w/ your partner?

I fully expect first times with a new partner to suck. Seriously. I usually am willing to try again with them unless they blatantly ignore me when I say things to them about my body.

I have a hard trigger. I know what trips it. Took my last partner over 3 years to be able to do it himself without any input, guidance or instruction from me.

And yes, the harder to chase the goal, the more likely you are to miss it. Enjoy the journey as it's happening, not just the end result.
 spilling_fire
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 14
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 7:59:45 AM

but when you have specifically told the man stop it, thats too hard and he just is too dumb or blind in the moment to listen then its adios.


It's like some men think the clit is a lottery ticket that they need to rub, scratch, rub until they win! I've always found that a man teasing and rubbing around my clit is far more stimulating than a finger directly on my clit. Is it me or do a lot of women feel it's too sensitive for direct, hard pressure?
 senecacrystal
Joined: 3/18/2013
Msg: 15
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 10:43:55 AM
I love the lottery ticket analogy. That was awesome.

I also wonder if some men take their cues from porn. Much of that seems to show the women being able to go for a long time with aggressive stimulation to their genitals.

Thanks again to all that have offered their suggestions.
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 16
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 10:51:42 AM

the clit is a lottery ticket

Yeah, a scratch-off ticket, that's why I use a quarter...

But I never win anything.
 ErichWild
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 17
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 11:25:00 AM
I never rub directly that's what the tongue is for fingers are for penetration
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 18
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 2:50:02 PM
I don't like the lottery ticket analogy - I keep seeing dry crusty flakes of silvery stuff flake off...
(((shudder))))
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 19
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 4:43:42 PM
It’s a well known fact that first time sex with a new partner can be tricky and is hardly ever perfect, but that is not to be confused with performance anxiety.

And no, I honestly can not recall having suffered performance anxiety, as sex is for me not about “performing” but about fun and games, maximizing the mutual physical pleasures.

The key is communication, verbal and non-verbal.

So, he was too rough for you, maybe his last lover liked it rough, who knows?

You asked him to be more gentle, which was still too rough for you. Now, instead of “suffering in silence”, you should have spoken up again, and again if necessary, and if all verbal attempts failed, shown him how you like it. Men are not mind readers and rough/gentle are very relative terms.

Communication is the key, and men are very appreciative of their woman communicating what she likes and how she likes it, provided it’s done in a sexy and nicely.

So, next time around you speak up, nicely, breathily whispering in his ear that is, smile, and if he’s not a total klutz you guys will get there next time around.

Good luck!
 EyesRgreen_62
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 20
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 7:28:42 PM

... I got sore kinda quickly.


Yeah this is a problem ... a man who cares enough to get you off will listen and respond to what stimulates YOU. If he is going to town in a way that is less than gentle when you've asked him to take it down a notch(or two) ... well, that's a sign of a horrible lover. I do not respond when I feel like a guy is giving me a gynecological exam. If he's rubbing and working me over so much that it makes me sore ... it's game off for the rest of the evening. One might think he would be smart enough to figure that one out ... sore equals no go for other type pleasures :( I'm not sure I could forgive that one ... even giving benefit of the doubt that it's "first" time ... I would hesitate to go in for a second and I normally am a believer in second chances but a sore coochie is no fun.
 senecacrystal
Joined: 3/18/2013
Msg: 21
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 7:57:07 PM
Thanks everyone for your valuable comments. Except for the completely out in left field thesis post - I will be taking what you guys said to heart. I agree its the journey and not the destination that's important. I will make sure to talk to him next time we're together and get across to him that he made me feel wonderful, sexy, sensual and desired, and that we can have a fun/amazing time even if there aren't orgasms.

I will definitely be going back for seconds....and thirds...fourths....
the reason being that besides the cumming issue, he was an excellent lover in every other way...and we were TOTALLY on the same page when it came to kissing (ie: not sloppy like some ppl are, perfect amount of lips/tongue/moisture, let me come up for air when I needed to, etc) . And kissing is very sensual, sexy and important to me. Plus he was not trying to rush me....he definitely values foreplay as much as I do. And we took our time, letting things build.

It will just take more time for us to explore and get to know each others' bodies. And I have NO PROBLEM at all with practicing....that's the most fun part!!
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 22
performance anxiety for women
Posted: 4/9/2013 8:13:55 PM

will definitely be going back for seconds....and thirds...fourths....
the reason being that besides the cumming issue, he was an excellent lover in every other way...and we were TOTALLY on the same page when it came to kissing (ie: not sloppy like some ppl are, perfect amount of lips/tongue/moisture, let me come up for air when I needed to, etc) . And kissing is very sensual, sexy and important to me. Plus he was not trying to rush me....he definitely values foreplay as much as I do. And we took our time, letting things build.


Talk to him before the next time, fortunately you know why it didn't happen. Sometimes it's a big no for me and I couldn't tell you why, everything is right, it just doesn't happen. But that is okay because it is still good. Don't need the big O on every outing.

And this is for both of you, relax and let go, whatever happens, happens.
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