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 DigbeeJones
Joined: 4/2/2013
Msg: 2
whats she telling me?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I'm not sure ... but it seems to me she's telling that you she has anxiety about relationships. I don't know her, and I sense you care very much about her. The hardest part of loving someone is letting them go for the better. Maybe you need to distance yourself a bit, seek out another friendly date with someone else, and give her some space to think things over. She should approach you about marriage the next time...you already stated your intentions. You did well, and you need to stand your ground. Better a lost love, than a lifetime of anxiety with a undecided wife. Good luck to you.
 LisaLou65
Joined: 12/15/2012
Msg: 3
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/9/2013 7:25:02 PM
You need to decide what you want from this relationship. Do you want JUST a FRIEND? It sounds like that is all that she wants. I know personally if I ever marry again, intimacy will be very important to me. I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life married to a person who just wants to be my friend. If I marry again, it will be for love. I want to find my best friend, companion and lover all rolled in one person. Will you be happy the rest of your life in a loveless relationship? Does she have issues with intimacy due to past abuse? If so, she probably needs to talk to a therapist.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 4
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whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/9/2013 7:41:01 PM
OP, lemmee take a stab at this........ Was she sexually abused as a child?
 WHITEROSEFOREVER
Joined: 3/18/2013
Msg: 5
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/9/2013 7:41:43 PM
from the little you have said, it sounds to me like she wants to call all the shots in this relationship. i am not saying she is doing anything bad but she wants the control. she wants the freedom of dating without the commitment of marriage. some people feel suffocated at just the thought of marriage. she may be very loyal to you otherwise, but be warned my friend, people who are like this can also run if they start feeling just the least bit penned in. she may always be this way, so it is up to you to decide what you can put up with and how much this relationship means to you
 varyk
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 6
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/9/2013 7:57:14 PM
Brian, it is a difficult situation indeed. I am all to familiar with your plight and I have been in your position. My best guess based on what you have shared is she appears to be exhibiting signs of commitment phobia. It is a irrational fear of commitments based on traumatic experience in her past relationships. Like you, I invested a considerable amount of time and emotion is my relationship, but with me it panned out to nothing more than a series of empty promises and disappointment. There are no guarantees that you will be able to make her feel safe enough to overcome her fears. There really isn't anything you can do or say to speed up her recovery unfortunately. It will be a challenging and sometimes painful journey that you might end up with no happy conclusion. You need to take inventory of where you are and if you are willing to stick it out. Just be prepared for what ever comes your way. You will need to be strong and make the best decision for you, because your sanity and emotional well being always come first! Good Luck!
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 7
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/9/2013 8:11:28 PM
There's nothing wrong with what she's asking for. She wants a real relationship not one just based on sex. You need to remember what it was like being in that relationship when you first met each other. It seems you've gotten hung up on the sex and forgotten or have taken for granted the other and more important aspects of a real relationship, the friendship side. The other posters are clueless.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 8
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/9/2013 8:41:31 PM
She knows your weakness. you dont want to lose her . and you will accept her as friend . its your life . make a choice .
 fallenwater
Joined: 12/28/2010
Msg: 9
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/9/2013 8:55:04 PM
"It seems you've gotten hung up on the sex and forgotten or have taken for granted the other and more important aspects of a real relationship, the friendship side. The other posters are clueless."

Dude, No. I disagree with where you think he's coming from.
 Orionthehunter9
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 10
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/9/2013 9:22:00 PM
Good job fallenwater. You know. WHITEROSEFOREVER hit the nail on the head. She wants to control the relationship on her terms. It is CantCarryHerPurse who has it all wrong.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 11
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/9/2013 9:28:28 PM
I think there is more to this, something no one in here will ever know and that is her past history.
 RB_64
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 12
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whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/9/2013 11:21:51 PM
There are many factors to explore and paths that can be taken based on the relatively limited information shared. If you want to marry her and at one point she wanted to marry you, then you two may have something that can become a relationship headed to the alter. But, you won't make it there on your own or only with advice found on the forum. My best recommendation would be to find a good pre-marital counselor and get some assistance in discussing the obstacles before you.

Personally, I believe that intimacy is the foundation of a marriage and unless the couple is open, honest and on the same page regarding intimacy, then the chance of longevity in the relationship is slim.

Best of luck to you.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 13
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whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/9/2013 11:38:18 PM
Do you want to be her friend, or do you want to be in a sexless marriage? She doesn't want you the way you want her to, she's not interested in being intimate with you. I don't think her past has much to do with it, lots of people have been sexually abused in the past and do not look for sexless relationships, there is something much bigger going on here, and it just may be that she's asexual or manipulating, either way or whatever it is, she's not your girlfriend, she will not be your wife and she's not going to have any sort of satisfying sexual relationship with you. So really, it's not about her at all, she's told you what is what, the question is, why are you following her around like a sick puppy? She's about the worse choice you could have made to pursue as a relationship partner. Be her friend or don't, but find someone compatible to date, this woman is not for you.
 Deepseaceecee
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 14
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2013 3:25:31 AM
You are friends with this girl and dont have sex with her but say you are dating her? I dont get it. She has friendzoned you and she wont ever marry you. She basically does not fancy you for whatever reason. So find someone else is my advice.

Also take the pics of with children. A no no.
 AquanGold
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 15
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2013 3:51:37 AM
Op,
It really sounds like the two of you are simply in the "Friend Zone" and what you perceive as a relationship really isn`t much of one.
It does sound like you`re too needy and highly emotional which is something your friend doesn`t want to deal with, can you blame her?
I believe she feels sorry for you more than anything else and you`re playing into it, because you need the attention.
Is there any sexual contact, or has that been over for awhile? My guess, is it wasn`t ever there...

Do yourself a huge favor, stop all contact and move on with your life...

she keeps talking about things we need to do together in the future things like this summer we need to put out a bigger garden or we need to try making certain crafts,
.
There isn`t anything here for you to salvage, except playing house together and not much more!
Good Luck...
 holaPOFxo
Joined: 11/23/2012
Msg: 16
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2013 4:09:09 AM
Simple role, with her attitude, PLAY HARD TO GET....reverse psychology....always works...lol
 AquanGold
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 17
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2013 4:20:46 AM
Interesting Kell:
she said she would marry me and it went good for a bit but then when the intamacy in marriage came up she says she dosent want a relationship based on that cause thats all her past ones have been, well we got into a argument.

I thought this forum was for adults. I maybe wrong...
Have a good day Kell...
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 18
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whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2013 5:32:33 AM

...who is scared of love


I think that pretty much says it all right there.
Maybe she wants it maybe she doesnt, but either way she has found a way to keep you at an emotional arms length and she is simply biding her time with you. There is way too little here to make an accurate guess, but the actions speak for themselves.
My advice to you is to take a step back...rewind the relationship in your head and hit play...then turn the sound off. Just look at the actions.
Words are easy to get lost in, especially when someone is intimately challenged/afraid of love.
 Peppigonzalis
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 19
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2013 5:50:07 AM
Whether it be from a traumatic relationship, or rape; this "intimacy" rehashes old wounds.
Counselling is needed.

Tell her to change her ways or move on.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 21
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whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2013 6:35:28 AM
This is girlspeak. She's trying to tell you in a nice way that this is over, but still wants to keep you around as a backup plan. I know women who have done it. She's probably not scared of love, she's probably not in love with you. You might back off for now, and I mean completely (no "friend" stuff). If she doesn't contact you, then there's your answer. If she does contact you, proceed with caution because it will probably be more of the same.
(BTW...it's spelled "lose" sorry, a pet peeve.)
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 22
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2013 6:49:51 AM
She's telling you she wants an exclusive relationship but only on her terms. Writing's on the wall that this relationship is a dead end for you. Can't fix emotionally broken people no matter how much you believe you can. You should have enough wisdom @ 39 & after 2 years to figure this out on your own. If she's unwilling to step forward in the relationship you should be unwilling to step backwards. We all have fears to some degree & if facing her demons after 2 years isn't in the cards now, how long are you supposed to wait till it is.
 farbucle
Joined: 3/23/2013
Msg: 24
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2013 11:54:57 AM
just chill , dont try and read between the lines, just live and let live...............thats why she says your needy
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 25
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2013 11:58:51 AM
You are entitled to get the engagement ring back if you gave her one . If you been together 2 years and she is acting like this , time to dump her . Looks like she is playing you . Basically she is trying to force you to conform to the way she wants you . Time to tell her to take a hike .
 SpringMataLeao
Joined: 10/12/2012
Msg: 28
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2013 12:18:10 PM
she is a manipulative**** and you are wrapped around her finger.
 OrdinaryMan66
Joined: 1/11/2012
Msg: 29
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2013 12:19:52 PM
Anyone who says they are "scared of love" is playing a game with you. Anyone who has ever felt love is not afraid of it. Most of them never want it to end.
 Ailand
Joined: 3/5/2016
Msg: 30
whats she telling me?
Posted: 4/10/2016 1:19:42 AM
Well you could always just commit to each other. Common Law Marriage. She's afraid of the paper that says your going to change into a jerk once your chain to her, but if it's just accepting that the two of you will build a life together and take it from there.
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