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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Separated status - does it really matter? Why?      Home login  
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 Stubidooo
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 2
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Should I ask about his personal circumstances?

Yes, a lot of men will put separated when they are truly married. Even if he is actually separated, there is a chance of reconciliation or a very nasty divorce. Do you want the drama of either?

The very best advice I have seen in these situations is to actually talk to the "ex" before becoming involved with what is "in fact" a married man.
 moonchildmn
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 4
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 8:35:49 AM
A lot of people won't because of the legal issues and the morality, sometimes it's a decision based on personal values.

( I know in some countries, you have to wait years to divorce, not sure about the UK)

If it doesn't bother you, and it's what you know then date someone who is separated.

You're quite young and very pretty, I would think it would be easy for you to date a man who hasn't been married already, maybe think about why you're not attracting or attracted to available men?
 TheCoolGreenMoss
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 5
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Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 8:40:44 AM
Should I ask about his personal circumstances?.

Absolutely - without a doubt you should ask. Not just ask, but as much as I hate to say it, be somewhat suspicious about how and what he says. Where does he live? Why still married (since that is what he is)? Kids? etc.

Bottom line is - you want to know if he is actually available (and not playing around.) You don't want to be the honey on the side (I'm assuming.) Nor do you want to be the rebound (most don't want that either.) Just be cautious and keep your eyes wide open.


Personal note:
In real life (non dating site related) I dated a girl for a few years that was legally separated - had been going through a long-drawn out legal divorce for ages. All was ok.. but she was available (not a chance in hell she'd be with 'him') and there were assets, and children involved, etc.

*If your guy doesn't have any real money/assets/home/kids - question why still not divorced. And don't be naïve about possible answers either (remember, eyes wide-open.)
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 6
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Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 8:47:19 AM
If he's truly separated, I don't see a huge issue. Yes, both men and women do lie about being separated or even say they're single when they are in fact still married with no divorce action going on at all.

Most people do not reconcile, but sometimes even officially divorced people do so, but it's not a huge risk. Usually you can tell if there is a significant risk, because they talk too much about their ex in positive terms.

Some divorces are nasty and drama-filled. Of course, some regular dating exes can create drama too. I guess it's the nature of the issues and the personalities of the people that control this tendency.

Anyway, with a little caution, I dated separated women, and I had no trouble finding dates when I was separated. It all worked out - with a little caution and awareness it may for you as well.
 theanswerguy2
Joined: 4/3/2013
Msg: 8
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 10:43:14 AM

In which case, what does it matter when you're only dating? Or even before that when you decide who to message or reply back to on a dating site?


Separated= still legally married= unfinished business= not a clean slate.
 lapsteelplayer
Joined: 3/7/2013
Msg: 9
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 10:46:38 AM
Personally, I think it is a mistake to not date men who are separated. Most men who want to be in a relationship, many times have met the next person in their lives before their divorce is final. Certainly was that way with me. My ex and I were separated for 4 years before our divorce came through. I was still officially married to her because she was on my health insurance with a pre-existing condition.

Almost everyone I know who likes being in a relationship was already hooked up with the next relationship before they were officially divorced.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 10
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 11:07:42 AM
I refuse to date a separated man. He's MARRIED.

Recently divorced men are a deal breaker for me. I don't want to be the rebound girlfriend. Crazy-making behavior results: "Now I want you... now I don't." No, thank you.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 12
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Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 11:49:57 AM
There are many kinds of separated, if he is been through court and is simply waiting for the divorce papers in the mail you may feel more comfortable going forward, he may have moved on with his life but helps his ex with health insurance.
But then there are the guys on here that LIVE with their wives, can't afford to get divorced, sleep on the couch and who consider themselves separated. LOL So you have to ask all the details.
 brisco414
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 13
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 11:59:26 AM
If they're headed towards divorce and living separately then really that shouldn't be an issue.

If they're taking a *break* and emotionally not over their spouse, then big issue. Run.

If they are separated in that they went to court to establish "Legally Separated" then that shouldn't be an issue either. There are plenty of logical reasons for this type of separated.

Every situation is different.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 14
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 12:13:24 PM
If all is really in the process of ending, you should be able to go to his house, and meet his family, his friends and his soon to be ex wife - legally separated or not - living with her or on his own, if all is legit, there shouldn't be any secrecy...you should all be aware of each other.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 16
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 12:29:39 PM
If I were looking for friends here, or I wasn't interested
in a relationship, I'd have no problem with meeting a
separated person.

But I'm not and I am, so separated is just one of the things
I'm not interested in. Everyone has their criteria or boundaries,
and everyone who doesn't fit within those criteria or boundaries
will jump in with a defense of why you should remove these
barriers.

I don't know what goes on in other people's marriages (and I don't
want to know) but I've heard all kinds of excuses about why divorce
isn't an option.

I don't buy any of them.
How can you start something new when you have unfinished business
with someone else?

But then, lots of people have no problem at all with separated people.
I'm just not one of them. Separated friends are one thing, separated
lovers or SO are something else entirely.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 18
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 1:19:04 PM
To each thier own, but my experience was that when they said seperated, they had really only moved out of the marital home a few days ago, had not yet set up a visitation schedule with thier children, and were still sleeping on thier brothers couch. They hadnt seen thier kids since leaving the home, but were already trolling for new gals to date. Yuck.

I know there are some men who really are seperated, have a new life going on and are emotionally ready to date-but the many who were in paragraph one above ruined it for the few who really are OK to date.

This is online, you pick and choose who you want to focus on.

I didnt want a man with ex issues, baby momma drama etc and so I avoided seperated men. I got what I was looking for and have no regrets about bypassing seperated men.

After you have been on here for awhile, and you realise you cannot meet every man who approaches you online, you start to draw lines in the proverbial sand. One of the lines I drew was seperated versus divorced/single. It worked for me, but may not work for everyone.
 AuroraBorealis65
Joined: 3/6/2013
Msg: 26
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 3:42:41 PM
I think each situation needs to be looked at individually. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, no question. And there is a lot of "abuse" done to the status of being "separated". It could span a spur of the moment resentment against the spouse, all the way to legal separation, short of having the divorce decree in your hands.

I am separated, and have zero intentions of resuming my marriage. We live on different continents, lead separate lives, have separated finances, and you couldn't pay me to go back to the old ways. I have fully embraced the new chapter in my life, and enjoy each day. There will be no drama going through the legalities of what's left to do, nor am I some sort of rebound, or a cheater. So, I really don't get how one could have all those set preconceived notions about the population of separated people. It's just another example of stereotyping.

I certainly will not put my life on hold until I will be legally divorced. To consider someone in my situation to be married is a matter of semantics, but there is more to a marriage than a piece of paper.

To the OP, keep a level head, ask questions, and if you encounter red flags, heed them. Then decide for yourself if you can live with the circumstances at hand. Good luck!
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 27
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Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 5:04:37 PM
Just wait until you or your friends get burned by someone who is 'separated'.
I dated a guy who was separated and it was fine, he was just boring - but after that I heard so many horror stories I have stayed clear.

Even of they don't admit it, people think about the future before they even start dating someone. If I were to date someone who was separated I would immediately consider the issue of him getting back with his ex (happens ALL of the time). Even if we're just causally dating it could turn into something more - marriage might become an issue if he is still legally married... When I was younger I never thought ahead, but that's something you start doing when you get older. Doesn't mean people are bitter - just a bit wiser.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 28
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Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 5:14:35 PM
Make no mistake...separated is married. AND IF (and that's a big IF) they get divorced there's still the messy legal issues, child custody, and the post-divorce adjustment period. Find out for sure and if he doesn't want to answer, that's an answer...he's a jerk.
@Metalvixxn...very good points^^^Life experience teaches much.
 theanswerguy2
Joined: 4/3/2013
Msg: 29
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 7:19:11 PM

...very good points^^^Life experience teaches much.


As long as one is open to learning.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it".

George Santayana-1906.
 bob666dylan
Joined: 12/28/2011
Msg: 30
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 7:26:09 PM
Being separated is different to being divorced. After a divorce they are no longer legally responsible to one another. Separated they are. I dated someone who was separated for 2 years and she went back to him. My advice to you is talk about this to him before you enter into a relationship. Why is he not divorced? Has he started proceeding the divorce? If not, why hasn't he? Good luck
 Vesta_ceres
Joined: 4/5/2013
Msg: 31
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 11:14:43 PM
OP, the man to whom you are speaking is NOT single; he is married. Promises from these people (who don't have the decency to settle their current relationships properly) are empty. Why would you meet him?
 Sealady111
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 32
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/10/2013 11:38:53 PM
I was speaking to a 'separated' man last night whose wife comes back in September.
Does that answer your question?


Yes ask!!!!

Ask every question you want to ask.
And keep asking until you get the answers that satisfy you.

Married men have been known to tell fibs to single women.
Strange but true.

 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 33
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/11/2013 12:39:20 AM
There is a verrrrrry good reason why most/many women won't get involed with a seperated, married man. The experience never turns out good as you are just filler for the misplaced wife role. If this were not the case you'd hear how wonderful it is right? And no, you won't be the rare one it works out for. Anywhoo, best wishes if that is the path you choose.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 34
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/11/2013 1:55:52 AM
What you read in the Forums are the ones who it didn't work out, because the one who did work out are not on these Forums.........Do what you think is right and don't take everything you read in the Forums as Gospel, there's a lot of nuts in the Forums, and some have posted in this very thread...There are broken people in this very thread you couldn't pay me to date.....
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 35
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/11/2013 2:03:59 AM
Being separated is a major deal breaker for at least two reasons:

1) They are still married, and if you date them, it's adultery.

Don't you know who Charlton Heston is?!

2) They are most likely on the rebound. They don't even begin to heal until the divorce papers are signed.

Rebound people need time to heal from the divorce, and it can often take years before they are ready to love another again deeply. This means you have a high chance of being dumped at anytime. Sounds like fun, does it not?
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 36
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/11/2013 2:39:56 AM

tnt144
Being separated is a major deal breaker for at least two reasons:
1) They are still married, and if you date them, it's adultery.
Don't you know who Charlton Heston is?!
2) They are most likely on the rebound. They don't even begin to heal until the divorce papers are signed.
Rebound people need time to heal from the divorce, and it can often take years before they are ready to love another again deeply. This means you have a high chance of being dumped at anytime. Sounds like fun, does it not?


All I can say is thank the heavens my late Wife didn't think like you and our 28+ year marriage shows you're not completely right......But then here in the forums everyone thinks theirs is the only way.....
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 41
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/11/2013 12:58:15 PM
Wouldn't the issue of being 'separated' rather than single only become a problem if you were to get properly serious with the person, like with a view to buying a house together or getting married etc?

No. It's not Necessarily a problem, as they vary from situation to situation, but statistically, odds are it is a problem if you want more than just casually seeing each other. And it doesn't require being virtually married or married for it to be a problem.

Technically a guy over 25 living in his parent's basement isn't Necessarily a problem to be a couple, when the gal has her own place.

A separation is them being still on the rebound, even when a lot of time passes. They are still MARRIED to that person. If they haven't filed for Divorce, don't put yourself in position to have expectations beyond casually seeing each other. If they have filed for Divorce and are to be officially Divorced in the relatively near future, then it's a judgement call if you're looking to be a couple (but still don't have expectations anytime soon).

Many folks will use excuses as to why they live in their parents' basement, or in this case, why after 1-3 years still Separated. While there's good reason for a little while, but as too much time goes on it's because they don't want to get a true Divorce. It's officially & concretely not an option. Many people think just because they're not going to run back to their Still Husband or Wife, that everything's all good. Even though in uncommon situations that may be so, it's of nobody's obligation to take the very strong House Odds against them to find out.

I mean, when you're a couple and you like-like them, you'll fall in love. Do you really want to introduce them to relatives and friends saying "Yeah, they're still married"? For something casual (where they wouldn't 'meet the parents') that's fine, followed by "they've been Separated for quite a while now". But for an actual Relationship? Don't put your feet into the beyond-casual zone until they're Divorced.
 NJ2ITH
Joined: 3/28/2013
Msg: 42
Separated status - does it really matter? Why?
Posted: 4/11/2013 4:55:14 PM
Okay, umm I just think this is an odd post. Who cares about what's a deal breaker for most women.? What's important is what's a deal breaker for you. Most women are not currently dating this guy, you are. The fact that I or anyone else wouldn't be interested has absolutely nothing to do with you. Figure out what you want and can live with and follow that path. It will make this dating thing much easier for you. Just had to say that.
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