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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits      Home login  
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 PS_4
Joined: 4/2/2013
Msg: 2
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefitsPage 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I clicked on this thread thinking you were a guy based on your screen name ready to tear you apart. Ha.

Great for you!
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 3
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 7:05:03 PM
I think you handled this well and with careful thought.
Congratulations for not acting on an opportunity to violate/erode your personal moral conduct as you may very well would have felt guilty and disappointed afterwards (some would argue that guilt is not a feeling, but I digress).
Also, had you violated your moral conduct, you would have allowed yourself to be manipulated.
He and you certainly do not share the same moral value.
At the same time, I empathize with your struggle to stay true to your essence.
 sassybaby2013
Joined: 12/31/2012
Msg: 4
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 7:05:38 PM
If it doesnt feel good for you then do not go there. His issues are his to overcome. Your being his friend with benefits will not help you or him. I suggest dating a guy who feels ready for a relationship.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 5
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 7:07:17 PM

I pointed that that although I am not a virgin (at least I don't think I am), I still FEEL like a virgin, and that I needed to be with someone who was willing to get together for other things besides just sex, such as dinner, coffee, movies, etc., etc., just so I have time to get to know that person before I open my legs (for lack of a better term) for him. That's just where I am right now.

Look, I'm not opposed to sex outside of marriage. It just has to be the right person, the right time, the right circumstances, etc., etc. And there has to be at least A LITTLE commitment. And I'm sure my POF pal right now is sort of burned out on "committment"...he says that there were problems in his marriage...and I'm sure that "being committed" to someone that you are not on the same page with is AWFUL. But I'm not sure that I"m the person who can give him what he needs right now.

So...I'm disappointed. I feel like maybe I blew an opportunity. But then again, I don't want to have sex until I KNOW I'm ready!

One of the best posts I read in all my years on the forums- so beautifully worded- I could weep!
 mickey_moose
Joined: 3/26/2013
Msg: 6
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 7:11:02 PM
Really at this age , why would you waste any of your time with scum .
While your busy with this guy , the right one may come along .

You should have shut down the conversation , the moment he brought it up.
it was so nice of him to give you time to think about , really, what 1 second.

Your a lot better than that.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 7
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 7:20:20 PM
Blonde Angel..(see message 5)

I agree with you on that.

OP.....I deeply admire you.....you stood up for what was right....FOR YOU! You do not want an FWB situation and let it be known as such to the person you were talking with. Well....if he has an issue with that, then he shouldn't let the door hit him in the azz on the way out!

I see soooo many people out here get into things and situations they CLEARLY aren't ready for and wind up starting posting threads asking how to get out of a bad situation.

You aren't going that route, you let your own personal morals and values guide you and I say good for you! You have integrity.

Don't ever let anyone out here sway you from your moral compass or make you feel ashamed for what you believe in or tell you what is right for you. - Only YOU can determine that.

Keep on keeping on!
 Insanity_Inc
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 8
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 7:31:00 PM
I really admire the way you were able to think over his offer and calmly decline. So many times we see people who blow up and freak out because people make suggestions we don't like. Everyone is different.

I also admire that you stood strong on what you really need. The wait will be worth it :)
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 9
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 7:34:14 PM
Congratulations for staying true to yourself. You deserve much more than being used for sex by a commitment-phobic man. This often ends up heartbreaking for the person who wants a commitment.

I'm glad he was honest instead of misleading you. The last man I dated misled me. Although he claimed to want a relationship, he turned out to be a player, a serial user of women. I'm glad I found out before loving him.

You successfully dodged a bullet. Well done!
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 10
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 7:38:13 PM
Moon, I completely understand what you are saying. I am exactly the same way and though I don't see anything wrong with what we feel, it does make things difficult when it comes to dating. I've found that even when they say they are "looking for a relationship", some are actually just looking for FWB type situation. It's usually easy to recognize them too, because they don't want to know anything about you and they want to tell you about themselves. There is no effort to get to know each other because they only want to know you physically. I don't have sex with every man I go out with. In fact, I have to care about him a good deal because sex isnt just a recreational activity for me. I did have one fling right after my divorce just to see if I was still attractive to men. We both new it was jaut a fling, so no harm done.
Some on here will probably bash you for how you feel. I think though that what a person believes is part of what makes them who they are. I don't bash people who can't even remember how many partners they have had, let alone their names, so why should I be bashed for not being that way.
There will be someone out there for you. Of this I'm sure. don't make POF the only way you look though, Ok?
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 11
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 7:44:14 PM
I agree with moose. Don`t waste your time on someone who basically tells you they just want to f*ck you.

I just say thanks not interested. Doesn`t take a day to figure that out. And yes, good he was honest. And good for you for realizing what is right for you. Don`t worry you didn`t lose out on any opportunity.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 12
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 8:07:49 PM
PS_4 wrote:


I clicked on this thread thinking you were a guy based on your screen name ready to tear you apart. Ha.


Hmmmmmmm.......... Bad for a guy, but good for a woman......... Double standards anyone?
 Letsgettogetheryehyehyeh
Joined: 4/5/2013
Msg: 13
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 8:14:24 PM
Literate Hiker, I agree completely. I think at least half of the profiles on here which state the person wants long term or marriage are really men who have no intention of having any relationship. In fact, some these days don't even get as far as FWB, it's more like just a straight booty call. I got sucked into one of those for 6-7 months before I figured it out. It's upsetting and I am just never going there again. Good for you Moon Virgo for just saying no. You sound as though you are doubting yourself but trust me, this guy is just trying to use you and what a nerve to give you a time limit to think about it! I would have messaged back telling him to go swallow his own head!

Well done and you stick to your guns! You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel right for you.
 yourhandyman1
Joined: 4/27/2012
Msg: 14
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 8:20:18 PM
Good decision moonvirgo! In a way though, you were lucky in that the guy was so upfront about it all. Beware that next time the approach could be more subtle, or even that you won't see it until it's too late and you've been hurt. Always hasten slowly.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 15
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 8:23:11 PM

Really at this age , why would you waste any of your time with scum.

Really? OP said he was a nice guy. Since when does an offer of a sexual arrangement turn him into a low-life? Seems like he and Moon were able to handle their affairs without demeaning each other.
 brisco414
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 16
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 8:37:36 PM
Good for you OP for shooting the ass down. I don't understand -- regardless of it being a man or a woman why they wouldn't want to take the time to get to know a person.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 17
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 8:37:42 PM
Technically you can't be FWB without being friends first. Anybody wanting to hook up with you on the internet before befriending you is looking for a FB, not a FWB. The dude was not being upfront; he false advertised what he really wanted. I have no issue with FWB or FB, but the FWB to me is a quite bewildering proposition to begin with even with Friends First. Today there is lots of info to sift thru, and even if you decide to do some sort of No Strings Attached deal, it can blow up in your face. It's always ok to explore new relationships, but to expect solid relationship definitions before meeting IMO is foolhardy.
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 18
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 8:42:22 PM
Bikeman is quite right. People use the term FWB to cover what the true intention is- NSA sex, perhaps in an ongoing setting.

You can`t really go looking for a FWB, it may just happen- well actually it`s pretty hard to look for anything other than NSA sex. Things just need to develop. Meet people, some may become friends, others could become more than friends, one may turn into the perfect person for you. Only time will tell.


My quarrel with this guy is exactly what bikeman said. He wasn`t looking to be your friend, he just wanted to have sex.
 varyk
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 19
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 8:58:32 PM
My subjective opinion is "FWB" is just a borderline oxymoron term! The two word combination of incongruous words that is too often used in attempt to legitimize casual sex without obligation for commitment. I personally would rather pass on the short lived pursuit of a sexual quick fix, but to each their own as long as both are consenting adults.

But more often then not I have know women who enter into such "FWB" scenarios hoping to miraculously convert said partner which is next to impossible and rarely ever happens...
 theanswerguy2
Joined: 4/3/2013
Msg: 20
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 9:09:17 PM
So...I'm disappointed. I feel like maybe I blew an opportunity.


An opportunity for what?

Being an easy lay for a stranger (not "friend") from the Internet?


although I am not a virgin (at least I don't think I am),.


Based on this:


I told him that I HAD done that before in my younger years..........,because sex was the only thing that we did together.


.......I'm concluding you're not. :)
 Deepseaceecee
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 21
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 9:26:59 PM
Most guys on here want the FWB and they soon disappear and look for someone else when you are wont be in it.
You dont have to explain to anyone your attitudes either. Prossies get paid good money to have sex without intimacy.
You will get used to guys on here and their preferences if you hang around long enough. It is basically a hook up site and for married liars and worse. Why have you missed an opportunity? I dont get it. He wanted casual sex, you didnt. Plenty more fish in the sea and you wont want to catch many of them, is my prediction.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 22
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 9:29:45 PM

Technically you can't be FWB without being friends first. Anybody wanting to hook up with you on the internet before befriending you is looking for a FB, not a FWB. The dude was not being upfront; he false advertised what he really wanted.

Exactly.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 23
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 9:47:19 PM
Bikeman nailed it.

There is no FWB without the F which in that case stands for FRIENDS.
If there is no friendship , then the F stands for Fvck and the B stands for Buddies - not Benefits.

As was also stated, you don't really go looking for FWBs - those relationships evolve.
Looking for FBs? Happens alllllll the time (by men AND women).

Good for you, OP. You stayed true to you.
 sarah0629
Joined: 2/28/2013
Msg: 24
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 10:27:18 PM
Congratulations OP for standing up for yourself and your beliefs! It has become so easy for men to get these types of relationships, either truthfully or by lying, that most will never settle down with one person or have any other type of relationship. To me it is sickening that grown people, some with daughters and or granddaughters, would ever approach a women with this kind of deal. How will they handle it when their own women are only offered this type of relationship? I explained to one man how would he feel if he was only called by me when my yard needed mowed, only came to my house for this purpose, and only hung around long enough to get the job done? He, of course said used, so I explained is it not the same. What are women really getting from these types of relationships or do they think they are so good he will change? If a man to me doesn't want a woman in his life, why are they all fishing all the time for one? Do they not have hands, or the money to get what they seem to only want off a corner somewhere? I feel most of them get off on trying to trick, fool, or talk women into these types of relationships, and that is what gets them off. Kind of like a rapist doesn't get off by the sex act, it is the power. Some are up front and honest and just try to woo you into the idea, others lie and act like they are interested in the beginning, then when you develop feelings they run. But the one thing they all have in common is they really don't give a sh*t about you. Between the phone calls to come over you could have had an accident, your house burnt down, or you even died and they wouldn't be wiser, because you only talk to them when it is time to perform. Just like most things, when this was first thought up as an alternative relationship it might have been good, what it has morphed into is not the same. Friends with Benefits first word is friend, what is going on now is totally benefits, and it seems the man is getting most of those. So girls, lets all start fishing for a sucker to mow our lawns and calling it Mowing with Friends and start a new trend!!!!!!!!
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 25
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/10/2013 10:34:24 PM
OP, you say you haven't met him yet and he "offered" to give you time to think about it........lol. But he is a nice guy. Huh??? That is pretty big of him to give you the chance to think about it. Probably need to meet this "great" guy and then eliminate any doubts one way or another. Sounds like a bad ending but meeting and being honest with yourself is not bad thing at all.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 26
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Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/11/2013 12:03:05 PM
Just adding in the chorus of people here who pointed out the obvious - FRIENDS With Benefits develop from two people who are already friends deciding to hook up without pursuing a further relationship, or exes that you're FRIENDS with that you continue hooking up with after being broken up until you find new partners.

You can't start off as that because you don't start off as friends with anyone. The OP was offered a F***Buddy situation, which is basically someone you are attracted to only for sex, which could LATER evolve into something else.
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