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 AUTHOR
 Maid-merry-on
Joined: 3/27/2013
Msg: 1
Relationships TodayPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Ok I'm going to say I'm I am in a relationship with a great guy. We took our time and moved through the levels at a pace we both were comfortable with but at this stage we do not live together.

Recently I took a trip away to help a friend and see some friends I hadn't seen in a long while. I am used to doing as I please, am independent and have been divorced quite a number of years. We talked only once on the Friday after I got there but there was so much going on that was the only time. On Sunday upon my return I hadn't heard from him and out of curiosity I contacted him and much to my surprise he was very upset with me.

Long and short of it, he feels I should've let him know when I arrived, at least texted here and there to let him know things were ok and said good night at the end of the evening. Let him know when I was leaving that Sunday morning and when I got back so we could make plans to see each other since we hadn't been together since Thursday.

We are in love and dating exclusively but have I been out of a relationship so long I've forgotten how things actually should be? Or is this a bit much to ask of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship?
 mccafesingle
Joined: 3/30/2013
Msg: 2
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/11/2013 5:50:31 PM
all i can say is that they dont last these days...too many independant people like women
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 3
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/11/2013 5:55:46 PM
I can't say what is right for the two of you, but perhaps you need to talk about expectations such as this. If he was concerned about your welfare he could have reached out to find out instead of getting all butt hurt. Seems a little childish, but you can not provide what someone doesn't ask for. best wishes.
 Hands of gold
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 4
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Relationships Today
Posted: 4/11/2013 5:56:13 PM
I wouldn't have gotten upset, but a text is easy to send. I think your question should be is it fair to be upset over this rather than should I be expected to check in.

Is there other things that he over reacts about? If so, it seems that you have a bit of a high strung partner and you better get used to it. If he was simply worried about you, you should be pleased that he cares and take it as a positive quality.

To me this isn't something to worth fighting over.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 5
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/11/2013 5:59:26 PM
Relationships are like a pair of shoe's, you know right after trying it on whether or not they are going to hurt if you have them on for to long. Now you can try and convince yourself they are worth the pain and discomfort because they just need broken in, and look so great if you're not the one wearing them, but we all know they are headed for the back of the closet in a box only to be seen again when you stumble upon some old pictures.

So the question is, are these sensible shoes ?
 Keeper_of_Secrets
Joined: 5/16/2012
Msg: 6
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/11/2013 6:00:27 PM
OP,
I am glad to hear that he told you how he felt.
Yes, that was inconsiderate of you, just remember to not do it again.
Lesson learned, apologize, move on.
 justlookinflorida
Joined: 4/2/2013
Msg: 7
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/11/2013 6:03:45 PM
I absolutely think you should have let him know. Why not take the time out to let the person who obviously cares for you to let him know you arrived safely. Such a small thing to do but would have meant a great deal to him.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 8
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/11/2013 6:05:17 PM
OP...This is what it's all about...isn't it?
This man was worried about you and he was hurt that you thought so little of him...not to "want" to call him.
Some of us....Wish..we had someone to "miss" us...buck up girl!
 m8t
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 9
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/11/2013 6:18:15 PM
^ Shes right; you should have shown an interest in hs feelings.
Now do something to make things right with your man.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 10
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Relationships Today
Posted: 4/11/2013 6:24:15 PM
Some folks get worried when their SO is away, and even some people get worried if their SO is two hours late..... The point to a relationship is knowing what bothers each other and coming to a mutual agreement that both are happy with...

You are in a relationship now. You are no longer single. Meaning no single choices. You share yourself with another that means you are no longer single, no longer a single thinking individual.

I think I said single too much, lol....
Anyhow, you have someone waiting for that phone call.
He waited, that's remarkable.
Love, isn't it confusing? lol
Don't be too hard on yourself, it's all a learning process.
Jan
 riuser
Joined: 8/31/2010
Msg: 11
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Relationships Today
Posted: 4/11/2013 6:40:28 PM
You love this guy? So you barely thought of him while you were away? I can totally understand being too busy to call much. That can be an investment in a significant amount of time. But not so much as a "Hi, got here safely. Got to go." The "thinking of you" is implied or it could be stated directly (which would be nicer) but would require additional time to type (and you had so little).
Not so much as a "good night". Or, since you are in a relationship, maybe a "sweet dreams". Again, the "thinking of you" is implied or it could be stated directly (which would be nicer) but would require additional time to type (and you had so little).

As far as not hearing from him, he could simply (and obviously correctly) assumed that you might be too busy to talk to him or that he might be interrupting something.

How long would your SO have to be away and not contact you before you would consider it a problem? A day? A weekend? A week? A month? Or you would never be upset at that?

Phone calls can require a block of time and therefore be more difficult. But a simple text at the end of the day (or the beginning - or both) takes not much time. At least it shows that you are thinking of them at some point between Friday & when you returned.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 12
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 1:14:07 AM

We talked only once on the Friday after I got there but there was so much going on that was the only time. On Sunday upon my return I hadn't heard from him
So you left on Thurs, talked on Fri and returned on Sun... So the only day you didn't have any contact was on Saturday?? Or were you away for a week inbetween??
Personally i would probably have been in contact in some form every day.. BUT... Assuming you were only away for a few days is there a reason why HE couldn't contact you on the Saturday??

Seems a bit of an over reaction to me....
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 13
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Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 2:26:29 AM
He was very upset? with you? Yelling? Pouting? Scolding? What kind of upset?

How long have you been going together? Is this the first time something like this came up?

I thought you were gone over week week and I thought he was too much. I don't want to have to think about my guy everyday, a break is nice and you get to stay in the moment where you are. I like to save my talking until I get back, or because I want to, not because I "should".

Oh well. I guess you two have some sorting out to do. Glad it's not me.

Whatever you agree to, don't make promises you don't want to keep. (or can't bring yourself to). His wants aren't the only ones that matter. Compromise but don't let him control you. He very well may be trying to.

Did you say you were going to call and didn't? If not, he has no right to get upset at you. If he was just upset, I'd be wondering why. Is he a worry wort? The jealous type? A control freak? Too "romantic for my taste"?

Even though a lot of people may agree with him, doesn't mean it's right for you.

Sometimes people think they want a free spirit but really they can't handle it. I know from experience and the needy types end up pissing me off because sooner or later they are too insecure, too standard and often they try to "show you" by playing "2 can play that game" (as if it was a game) but it doesn't work as they planned and you end up single and happier.

Why didn't he call you if he was so concerned? Because he was concerned someone might think he was being too clingy? Maybe he should be concerned? Maybe he is.

Keep us posted.



Yellow flag in my books. Red if he spazzed. Green for some.
 yourhandyman1
Joined: 4/27/2012
Msg: 14
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 3:32:51 AM
We talked only once on the Friday after I got there ...................... he feels I should've let him know when I arrived[/unquote]

So, if you talked after you got there, why is he saying you should have let him lnow when you had arrived????

The bottom line is that when you are in a relationship, it IS different to being single because you do need to practice empathy. If you did that and still think he over-reacted to the "no-contact", then perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship, because single life may be more your style.
 Deepseaceecee
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 15
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 3:34:45 AM
I can t imagine that if you are in love you could not have sent him a text or two. How hard is it? I dont blame him for being upset. But he could have called you, after all. He is sulking I would say and this may be the start of problems.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 16
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 3:35:42 AM
your way of explaining things leaves a lot of room for guesswork, and what i'm guessing is this: you went away for the weekend (????) and he was "very upset" because he didn't get the proper texting. ya slap on the wrist for you and a bonk on the head for him.

to the extent you may also be leaving things out, was this an anomaly from your normal modes of communication (has he grown to expect regular remote maintenance via texting)? did he ask you to let him know when you got there safely, and did you forget to do that... you ungrateful, independent woman? and were you traveling across crocodile infested swamps by inflatable boat? any somali pirates in the neighborhood??

i agree that it's nice to let your love know where you are during your travels and that this is what most people do and expect. but over the weekend?? he's "very" upset? what does that mean, violent pouting?? seems like he's overreacting.

well at least now you know what you'll need to do in the future to avoid a temper tantrum.
 yourhandyman1
Joined: 4/27/2012
Msg: 17
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 3:39:01 AM

We talked only once on the Friday after I got there[unquote]
he feels I should've let him know when I arrived[unquote]

So, if you talked after you got there, why is he saying you should have let him lnow when you had arrived????

The bottom line is that when you are in a relationship, it IS different to being single because you do need to practice empathy. If you did that and still think he over-reacted to the "no-contact", then perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship, because single life may be more your style.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 18
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Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 4:04:49 AM

I been out of a relationship so long I've forgotten how things actually should be? Or is this a bit much to ask of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship?


Stop thinking about relationships in general, and think of just the one you are in. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, other than you, and him.

What you need to deal with isn't what's right or wrong to feel or think, but what happened, and what you want to do to respond to it. He told you how he feels, and what he wants from you in the future. If you are good with that, then stick with him, and resolve to alter your behaviors accordingly. If not, then come up with some other solution (i.e. get HIM to change, or call it wuits, or never take another trip alone, etc).
 varyk
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 19
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 4:06:37 AM
I would have to agree, you need to discuss expectations during the relationship as to be clear about what both of you are requiring in terms of communication, meet ups, and anything else you feel is important to you. Most of us assume a lot and communicate even less about what we want. Maybe it is because we are afraid to appear too needy or for some other reason. But being clear from the get go will save you a lot of heartache and minimize the speed bumps that might possible threaten to derail your relationship or at most cause a unnecessary miscommunication if left resolved over time. Good Luck!
 tnt144
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 20
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 4:52:17 AM
Well, he is both right and wrong. You should have contacted him more frequently. But only if you really loved him.
 csamcsog
Joined: 4/8/2013
Msg: 21
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 5:59:51 AM
Ok I'm going to say I'm I am in a relationship with a great guy... This is the spot I stopped reading your post.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 22
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 6:20:22 AM
Yes it was inconsiderate of you. I think he was sweet to be worried about you and I think he was hurt that you did not seem to miss him at all. Being in a relationship, one should try to lessen their selfishness and begin to see and appreciate his feelings. I would be willing to bet you would have been upset if the roles were reversed, and if not, maybe you just don't care enough about this guy. JMHO
 ZombiezRock
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 23
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 7:45:14 AM
Im hearing a lot about if she loved him she would have texted him constantly while she was away. I dont think that is quite fair. She did text him, just not right when she got there but he knew pretty quickly she was okay. So that should have brought down his anxiety some. Sounds like to me, she didnt play by his rules and he got all butthurt over it.

I would absolutely sit down and ask him what he expects communication wise and what he would like, we all love and show love differently but it does not mean she does not love him. When out of town visiting with family and friends you get busy, tied up and are enjoying the company of people you have not seen in a long time. Just because she didn't text him 100 times should not be a sign of her love or devotion just means it is what he needed and she did not provide it, but did she know too?

If she didn't, she does now. I'm curious how needy he is when she doesn't get back to him quickly on a daily basis, im betting this is not a random one time thing just because she was out of town. If he wanted to talk to her, why didn't he text her? I will tell you why, he was too busy being upset and pouting about it , he himself could have changed that all around by just texting her a few more times and saying Hi or whatever. Instead he sat and stewed until she got back so she came back to drama. I think this is just a matter of his expectations on texting and communication being higher than hers. If she didn't care or love him, I'm pretty sure she would have said "see ya" after his baby fit over it.

It is nice to have some one who misses you when you go out of town, but its crappppy to come home to drama when you really don't realize you did anything wrong. If HE needed more communication HE should have initiated it instead of getting so upset. That would have shown her its what he needs, she would have texted back and all would have been fine. And since she is here asking if this was a bad thing , it does show she cares if she is wrong or not. So i am sure she will fix it, or at least work on it. She may not have handled it to his specific needs, but he did not do well letting her know in a non "drama" way what his needs were. And he could have.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 24
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 7:56:12 AM
This is a small sampling of your existance with this guy OP, meaning does he act jealous at other times, is there a pattern of knowing he would be upset when you got home? Visiting and getting caught up in the visit is very understandable. Ya, a quick text on Saturday would have been nice, but the main thing is to talk about him getting upse4t. If you both are good with it, move on and in the future, maybe do that little extra thing. But don't do anything as far as touching base if it is so he wants you to check in with him and is possibly controling. There is a huge difference between the two, only both of you know the others tendencies as far as if being jealous or controlling is involved. If you see a pattern here with those issues, you are in trouble and this relationship will not be one that is great.
 zelig77
Joined: 2/7/2013
Msg: 25
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 9:28:17 AM
I'm in the minority camp here that believes this is not a 'was he right/wrong?, was I right/wrong?' situation.

He is 100% 'allowed' to have his own feelings and reactions. But that doesn't mean you were 'wrong'....

One size does not fit all. Some people can be in loving relationships and not feel the want/need to check in daily. Other people can't imagine not doing that.

I was in a 15 month relationship where I heard from the man every day (even if it was a brief text from out of town). That was fine with me. I was in a > 2 year relationship where we had times when we went a week between contacts and I came to accept/be ok with that one too.

In the case of the 2 of you, some compromise may be needed on both parts. Is the relationship worth that? Only you two can figure that out.
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