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 LongHairedLass
Joined: 8/7/2010
Msg: 1
exclusive talk on first datePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Met a guy on another site. We emailed a lot, talked, then had a first date, not a meet. I like him a lot, for someone I just met. No 4th of July fireworks, and that's ok with me, last time that happened it fizzled quick. This one seems like a man of good character.

We talked a bit about our failed dating experiences. He told me a few. I told him how no one wants to date me here because of no photos, and a few guys are waiting for photos to decide if they will meet me. He says they are shallow and just want sex. Then he says I should tell them I've met someone. He said it in a casual way, not a definite or demanding way, as if that's what he's hoping for. I didn't respond either way. He could just be telling me he likes me and was not really thinking this was a real exclusive request.

But in making plans for next weekend, I did tell him I'm not seeing anyone else, probably a mistake, even though it is true at this point. So maybe he is thinking I am going to be exclusive now. The thing is, I do plan to post some pictures and to message some of the men on here with my pictures. I know some want pictures because they are just after sex, but not all of them. Some got burned before and don't want to waste their time. As long as a man strikes up a conversation with me along with the request for a picture, I'm OK with that.

I don't want to be dishonest, I don't want to ruin a possible LTR, but I do want to date a few other men.

What do I say? Or do I have to say anything, as I didn't agree with him when he said it?
 m8t
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 2
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 5:53:08 AM
You are 66, and a retired social worker. Why are you even asking, when you already have made plans?
Arent you a grown woman that can make up her own mind? I dont get it...
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 3
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 5:58:17 AM
seems to me your lil' problem started the moment you assumed there was a covert message in his "tell them you've met someone" statement. i don't know if there was a covert message in there or not. obviously, neither do you, because you aren't talking to him openly either.

so now off you go, guessing with yourself and him at the same time.... "what did he *really* mean? and what's the best way to manage his expectations while at the same time, still retaining your power... your ability to maximize getting what *you* want out of this while minimizing any personal risk?" clever girl!

your strategy opens up new cans of worms depending on whether one or both people are playing.... why would he go "exclusive talk" before you've even met? and/or why would you think he's doing that, because you're used to being obtuse??

you are worried about ruining a possible LTR... i think your chances of a LTR are marginal just based on your unwillingness to communicate openly.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 4
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 5:59:40 AM
Sure, play the field. You have plenty of time to find the right man.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 5
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History
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 6:43:12 AM
Just because people want to see pictures, doesn't mean they're just after sex. Conversely, just because there are no pics doesn't mean they aren't....Regardless, no need to get exclusive too soon.
 MorePower42
Joined: 3/9/2013
Msg: 6
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 6:44:11 AM
Unless you've commited to being exclusive then you're not. Yes he was most likely checking your reaction to that, men do take clues off of the woman to determine thier next actions, some women are fairly easy to read others not.

As far as pictures, I've learned that a pic at least gives you a better idea that who you are talking to is real, let face it I can be a 25 year old hottie on here until I have to poduce a pic then it's a bit more difficult to keep up the illusion.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 7
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 6:55:19 AM
I am guessing you were not over the top about this guy? I would not be jumping into an exclusive relationship if you are not ready yet.. just be honest and upfront about this.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 8
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 7:38:01 AM

. I do plan to post some pictures and to message some of the men on here with my pictures. I don't want to be dishonest, I don't want to ruin a possible LTR, but I do want to date a few other men.


You could tell him that if you really wanted to be honest.
 LongHairedLass
Joined: 8/7/2010
Msg: 9
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 7:44:48 AM
OK Eric, I usually like your point of view.
And the consensus seems to be forget about the photo requests.
I actually expected the responses to be he shouldn't ask that in a first date.
Guess I was wrong. But that's why I'm here, I admit to feeling lost.
I'm going to stick with him, see where it goes, and forget about the photo requests for now.
Thanks for the advice everyone.
 mrsforums
Joined: 6/14/2011
Msg: 10
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exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 7:57:12 AM
I don't know that you're actually "hearing" what's been said in the other posts. No-one has told you to stick with him and see where it goes, nor have they said to forget about meeting others, if that's what you'd really like to do.

What *I* am hearing, is that
a. if you are unclear about his meaning when he said "tell them you're seeing someone"... maybe you should clarify that with HIM.
b. if you're not ready to be exclusive with someone, don't agree to it.
c. if you still want to meet other men, in addition to continuing to date him, you may want to be honest with him about your feelings.

Did I get it right posters?

I hope so, because I agree that one meeting should not equal exclusivity, especially if that's not what you want. What's a shot at an LTR, if he's not "checking your boxes"...so to speak? Send out the photos to the other men you are in contact with. You've met this fellow once. It does not a relationship make.

MrsF
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 11
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 8:01:13 AM
OPie, just going to do some guessing here. . . . You like fantasy, eh? Glad you had a good long solid first meet, but that is what it was: the first time you meet someone it is, de facto, a first meet even if it has date like length and other date like qualities. The fact you're mentioning your first marriage on your profile would lead to the belief that you're not long out of it, and perhaps no where ready to be dating. The fact that you say you're a retired social worker, with "some college". . . . I come from a family of social workers, and that job title doesn't come until you have your MSW. . . .

I tend to be exclusive because I don't like the *feel* of dating more than one guy at a time. But because it's just me, I don't talk about it or hint about it--to do so would be attempting to control/influence the other at a point where no one's earned that right.

WHEN you have the "exclusive talk" you will know it; he will know it. And all yer friends and relatives will know it. Until then: chill.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 12
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 8:39:24 AM

He says they are shallow and just want sex. Then he says I should tell them I've met someone.

I wouldn't read so much into it. He may simply have meant that you should tell this to the shallow ones who only want sex, not necessarily to everybody.
 Freudian
Joined: 3/15/2010
Msg: 13
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exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 10:54:02 AM
Oh good grief. You're way over thinking this. It was a simple conversation, he was probably kidding around about telling them you found a person. You get to obsessing on the conversation and suddenly start assigning motives.

People say things that have multiple meanings; that's just the way it is. If you research every phrase he used during the date, you'll wind up deciding he's a mass murderer looking for his next victim.

You were just talking for crying out loud. If you really want to know what he thinks, ask him.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 14
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 4:24:37 PM
It would never have occurred to me that a man saying, "Tell them you met someone," meant anything other than, "Let them down by using a familiar line." Nothing is more common than a girl saying to a guy who asks her out--but she does not want to date him--"Sorry, I have a boy friend." This is just a more adult version. It's common online and men use it too. "Thanks for writing. I've just started seeing someone and need to see how it goes. Good luck in your search." It's a polite form of rejection, basically.

As to you mentioning that you are not currently seeing anyone else--he would need to be clear about his intentions if he thought the two of you were having the "exclusive" talk. He cannot assume anything based on what you said. Just because you are not currently seeing anyone else, it does not mean he can assume you won't soon be seeing someone else. Not unless he brings it up and asks for you to date him exclusively.

I don't see where there has been any reason to jump to the conclusion that you *were* having the exclusive talk. If you honestly think he might have meant that, then clarify by asking him why he said you should tell others that you have met someone. It's a simple question. Ask. And be honest in letting him know you aren't ready to commit to him (or anyone else) exclusively just yet.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 15
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 7:41:06 PM
What do I say? Or do I have to say anything, as I didn't agree with him when he said it?

It sounds to me like you’ll feel more comfortable with yourself if you do say something, whether it’s ‘owed’ or not.
So you saysomething like, ”Hey, remember that chat we had about other guys waiting for pics, and you said ‘tell them you met someone’ and so on? Well, could we talk about that some more?”

You might want to do this face-to-face, in fact I kinda advise it. It can be a sensitive topic, specially if he’s already taken with you and you don't want to lose him.

It’s also your first negotiation (other than which Starbucks and when) so you can check out his communication skills and willingness to be vulnerable too.

I’m not real crazy about his ‘they’re all out for sex’ response to other guys, but that’s my issue.

BTW, what if the other guys aren’t compatible with you and you still haven’t met even one other nice guy after a month or two? Will you stick to your desire to actually date a ‘few’ other men? These things take time. Or do you mean just coffee-date kinda date?

You might have had three or four or five dates with the current guy by that time, maybe even gotten cozy a time or two. Or you might find a fatal flaw and be done with him before you know it.

Online dating is unlike any dating I (at 59) ever did before. You keep more options open, but also keep communicating, keep good faith, and keep your feet on the ground. (grins) If you're going to multi-date, it's a bit of a juggle.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 16
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 8:11:51 PM
Maybe he does want an exclusive relationship w/ you...I'd not bring it up, & keep my pix down on this site, maybe even hide ur ad, you can always unhide it...

Aside from one or 2 posters in this thread, I feel like you are getting cut down by the rest, I'd ignore them & give this man the benefit of the doubt. You did say he seems to have good character.

Let this "unfold" & see where it goes!
 monocryl
Joined: 3/4/2013
Msg: 17
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 8:41:34 PM

I don't want to be dishonest, I don't want to ruin a possible LTR, but I do want to date a few other men.


You can't have all of those things at the same time. If possible dishonesty bothers you enough to ask this, don't date the other guys now, give this one guy a chance. Sure, they might lose interest and stop holding their breath while you're doing this. Can you live with that?
 TheCoolGreenMoss
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 18
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exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 9:37:48 PM

He says they are shallow and just want sex.

He's just trying to discourage you from moving forward with other guys... kind of lame, but I get it. It's simply not a 100% truth in any way. Photo requests do not automatically mean the other person is either shallow, nor wanting-sex.


Then he says I should tell them I've met someone

I get this too, sounds like he likes you - seems very innocent - much more innocuous than you're assuming it to be.


I did tell him I'm not seeing anyone else, probably a mistake

I don't see the mistake here - you didn't summarily agree to only see him (no verbal contract/agreement - not even close.)


Or do I have to say anything

Go have fun with this guy, am not sure you need to 'do' anything. Have a good time.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 19
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/16/2013 7:12:45 PM
If I were to go on a date with a woman , then she goes on a date with another man . I figure that I did not make that good of a impression and move on . Last thing I want to do is be going on dates with a woman , who is also going out with other men . Don't know why people have such a hard time interacting with just one person at a time until they know if they want to spend time with them or move on . Seems allot of women have a real problem interacting with just one man at a time . Then they wonder why they can not find one for a relationship . Allot of men would look at this the same way , who wants to be around a woman that is going out with other men , not many men I know .
 wolftxusa66
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 20
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/17/2013 10:56:45 AM

that date lasted 5 days and nights

Wow, cowboy, you certainly a lot plenty of time for your dates. (bogie, happy now?)
 theanswerguy2
Joined: 4/3/2013
Msg: 21
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/17/2013 11:11:22 AM
I don't want to ruin a possible LTR, but I do want to date a few other men.


Ah, yes, the old "have your cake and eat it too" conundrum.


I told him how no one wants to date me here because of no photos, and a few guys are waiting for photos to decide if they will meet me.


He says they are shallow and just want sex.


The thing is, I do plan to post some pictures and to message some of the men on here with my pictures.


By all means, make a supreme effort to get photos to these "deep" guys who are waiting to see them and decide if you are "worthy" enough of 20 minutes of their valuable time.
If you liked him "a lot", what is the problem? Are you one of those always looking for the "bigger better deal" (BBD)?
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 22
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/17/2013 2:52:40 PM

Hey I have committed to an exclusive relationship after one date. Then again that date lasted 5 days and nights? lol

She called afterwards and said said she was a one man kinda woman and hoped I was a one woman kinda guy and asked me to hide my profile. I said hold on a second, laid down the phone and RAN to the computer and hid my profile.


My last two dates were like similar to yours, the first lady the date lasted 14 days and nights, but I kept another date with a different lady that lasted 5 days and 1 night. Then went back to the first lady for 6 days and nights, then the second lady for 6 days and nights. I did cancel a date I had with another third lady to stay with the first lady.

I guess if someone local wanted me to be exclusive it wouldn't be a big deal, click with a mouse to be exclusive, click when you don't want to be exclusive. It's a little different when you know you won't see them again for at least several months.

But it took me two years to decide to get married.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 23
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exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/19/2013 11:04:50 AM
In regards to pictures, at first like most of the people on POF, i didn't even stop to read profiles of men without pictures. Then, I started thinking about things differently (doesnt matter why, long story), and I did start being in contact with some who don't have pictures. I would not meet them or give them any of my personal info without a picture, though. Most of the time, they send me a picture without me asking. Most just don't like the way they look. I've found that usually, they are better looking than the pictures imply. I'm not interested in their looks, so it doesn't matter to me.
 not_single_x
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 24
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/24/2013 12:55:22 PM
Tell him you aren't ready to commit to anything and you're still chatting with other guys and you don't expect him to stop talking to other girls, and you'll just see how it goes.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 25
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/24/2013 2:34:55 PM

Tell him you aren't ready to commit to anything and you're still chatting with other guys and you don't expect him to stop talking to other girls, and you'll just see how it goes.

It really IS that simple.
Cindy O
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