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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...      Home login  
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 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 1
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
...after a while, you both decide that you want to live together. Being in this age group though, both of you have houses containing a houseful of stuff.

How would you decide in a fair and equitable manner, where to live? Would you sell your home to move with the other? Would you expect that both of you sell your home and buy a new one together? What would you consider to be fair and equitable? Would your opinion change if one had more equity than the other?

When I got married, we were both just starting out, and both started with nothing and worked upward. At this age, things would be much different when it comes to agreeing to share a home with someone (notwithstanding the legal checks and balances).

I am actually quite interested in hearing what the general consensus is (if there is such a thing).
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 2
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/12/2013 10:47:32 PM
Go back and forth between the two homes. Or reside together in one and have the other as a rental income.
Be very certain of the health of the relationship before contemplating the sale of one of the properties.
 monocryl
Joined: 3/4/2013
Msg: 3
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/12/2013 10:49:33 PM
Selling one home or the other seems like burning a bridge too soon. Renting it out seems more reasonable. As to whose home you decide to live in, you'll have to sit down and decide between the two of you. We can't possibly know all the circumstances.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 4
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/12/2013 10:51:39 PM
There are no "circumstances" to know. This is purely hypothetical. I'm far from cohabitating with anyone. :) I gotta find someone first. HAHA!

I was chatting with a friend tonight about it, and neither she nor I could really imagine what we would do if faced with that decision, and the more we talked, the more questions we had.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 5
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/12/2013 10:58:11 PM

I own a home and would not sell it to move in with someone. If things don't work out, I have lost my property.

Especially here in Los Angeles, I would never be able to afford to buy another home. I bought 21 years ago when prices were very low compared to today. I would have to leave the area or be stuck renting forever. Since my occupation is in entertainment, this is where I need to live. So I have alot more to consider. I have set my life up to be able to pay this place off in five years or less, then I am mortgage free. I kinda like that.

If anything, I would move out but keep my home and rent it. It's just been too big an investment to sell it in hopes moving in with someone will work out.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 6
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/12/2013 11:04:54 PM

I own a home and would not sell it to move in with someone. If things don't work out, I have lost my property.


That was my first response. Then I thought about it this way. I keep my property. Rent it out. Move into his. We both still have our assets, I am benefiting from both, and he is only benefiting from one. That didn't seem fair either.

So the conclusion to our discussion is that we were clearly overlooking the obvious and were making it much more complicated than it really is. But I'm starting to think that at this age, when you are more established, and have lived a significant portion of your life alone and have accumulated assets on your own, it is actually that complicated.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 7
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/12/2013 11:30:31 PM
How would you decide in a fair and equitable manner, where to live


Well based on what I have observed the guy throws away most of his stuff and you move into a house that she likes - just another reason I'm not considered to be very good at "Comprimising" I guess.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 8
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/13/2013 1:47:16 AM
In California, selling a house, you lose a big tax break that you can't get back.....For most people their property taxes are based on a lower value than the actual market value of their homes here if you've owned it for a long time......
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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History
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/13/2013 4:00:10 AM
My only answer to this sort of hypothetical, is what I answer to any "what would you expect/ what would you do" sort of question.

What I would EXPECT, is nothing. Very purposefully. My life has been one long, cyclical repeating lesson that expectations are self-laid landmines.

What I would DO, is deal with the exact details according to what seems most logical at the time, and based upon my knowledge of myself and the other person, and the houses, and so on and so on.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 10
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/13/2013 4:01:51 AM
Though fond of it, I'm not that attached to my house, and it's really too tiny for two unless he has basically no stuff at all. So I'd be happy with the "both sell and get a new place together" scenario. I don't think I'd want to be a landlady. It's a pain in the ass. And, while willing to consider it, in general I wouldn't be wild about moving into a place that'll always be to some extent his, not ours; rather start fresh together.

I'm also not likely to move in with someone unless we're getting married though. So having a back-up house for either of us is not a consideration for me. Hey, if you're going to commit, commit... and I subscribe to my late mother's philosophy that the real estate market can be relied upon to do one thing and one thing only, and that is, fluctuate. Ergo, for most of us, excepting energetic and successful house-flippers (whom I would not be marrying), the only really good reason to buy a house is that you want to live in it.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 11
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/13/2013 4:08:24 AM
I was chatting with a friend tonight about it, and neither she nor I could really imagine what we would do if faced with that decision, and the more we talked, the more questions we had.

this to me sounds like typical galpal talk.... make up an imaginary problem you don't have and don't know how to solve, and then proceed to discuss it until you overwhelm yourselves with multipying unanswerable questions.



How would you decide in a fair and equitable manner, where to live?

well for one thing, it's not completely fair and equitable anyway because *someone* is going to have to bear the inconvenience of moving and selling everything, which is a royal pain in the ass. so if "fair and equitable" are your primary criteria, then your problems and questions just multiplied some more...


Would you sell your home to move with the other? Would you expect that both of you sell your home and buy a new one together? What would you consider to be fair and equitable?

it would depend on our financial circumstances, our personal circumstances, and last but not least is where he lives some kind of a geographic deal-breaker or does he feel the same way about where i live??? i know that when i moved here, everyone where i lived before was rolling their eyes and pointing at their tonsils, so it seems likely that anyone i'd meet wouldn't want to live here. but i really like it here, and it suits me. personally, it's gonna take a whole lotta somethin' to get me to overcome the inertia of a peaceful, relatively stress-free, and financially comfortable existence. i can't imagine wanting to pack up and move to florida just so i could spend 10% more of my time picking up some guy's dirty socks and throwing them into the washer.

NO.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 12
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History
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/13/2013 5:53:07 AM
OP ..
Since most of the anwsers appear geared toward downsizing


1. rent both homes and purchase a summer/winter home, lake home, vacation home
2. rent both homes and buy an apartment complex, vinyard or other joint venture
3. rent both homes and buy a nice RV or boat and travel , until its more apparent
what you want to do
 lapsteelplayer
Joined: 3/7/2013
Msg: 13
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/13/2013 6:29:07 AM
I was fortunate in that my girlfriend was renting, but we did have to deal with her stuff. We are planning on selling my house next year when we hope the market has rebounded and buying a place together.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 14
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/13/2013 7:32:24 AM
This very issue ended my last relationship. From the very beginning, we discussed our long term goals which included eventually living together, and marriage was a possibility, but not a deal breaker for either of us.. After 2 years of dating, the topic became the source of every argument we had. He refused to sell his house, refused to rent his house. I had 2 kids still in high school and wanted to keep them in their school district until they graduated. I suggested he rents his place and we live in mine until the kids graduate and then I will sell mine. He did not like that idea.. I offered to sell mine and we buy or rent one together until my kids graduated.. He did not like that idea. His only solution was for him to stay where he was and me to stay where i was and we continue the weekend dating thing. He refused to talk about the future after that. The relationship ended. It would have been nice if he had been honest throughout the relationship rather than lie about wanting the same things to keep me where he wanted me.. as a weekend girlfriend for 2 1/2 years. There is nothing wrong with wanting to live separately if that is what you both want, the problem is when one is not honest about his goals and hurts the other. JMHO
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 15
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/13/2013 7:45:29 AM
I've done it twice. The first time I sold my house, moved across the country, and was back before the year was out. Cost a whole lot, lol! (Mayflower out; U-Haul back) But I got final resolution on a twenty year old relationship. The second time, a decade later, he had no house he owned, but did have a rent controlled apartment in NYC, which was gold. Since he was a stage actor, it was going to be his place if it were to happen. I became bi-statal. We basically lived in NYC, I kept my place, and most of my stuff here, as well as my residence for voting purposes and insurance purposes. If he had a really long gig abroad, he rented his place, and I came here if I couldn't go with him. He cleared out drawers and corners for me, I brought a few things. Our deal was, if we went out, I was his date; if we ate at home, I was the shopper/buyer/chef. Was pretty even financially.

I don't regret either move.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 16
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/13/2013 7:54:20 AM
If one is just in a relationship to get to know each other kinda phase then someone is definitely going to be hurt by taking such a big move if it didnt work out. . unless one of the party is super rich and can bounce back to normality.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 17
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/13/2013 11:10:24 AM
Keeping the other house as a rental/sub-lease makes the most sense in my neck of the woods. House rental rates around here are damn near double what a mortgage costs - aside from the down payment. If you can afford to keep it, it's definitely an asset in the long run. If you decide after a few years you want a better place, sell both at the same time and get your dream home.

Sharing space means you have to give up some things - I know I'd automatically lose 70% of the closet space if my GF moved in with me - but if she did, she would have to dump at least one-third of her bajillion pairs of shoes.
 The_Whole_of_the_Moon
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 18
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 12:55:30 AM
Ok I sell my house, my stuff, move in with you but we won't live happily ever after because it will be a cold day in hell before I cheer for the Eskimos.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 19
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 2:07:54 AM

This very issue ended my last relationship. From the very beginning, we discussed our long term goals which included eventually living together, and marriage was a possibility, but not a deal breaker for either of us.. After 2 years of dating, the topic became the source of every argument we had. He refused to sell his house, refused to rent his house. I had 2 kids still in high school and wanted to keep them in their school district until they graduated. I suggested he rents his place and we live in mine until the kids graduate and then I will sell mine. He did not like that idea.. I offered to sell mine and we buy or rent one together until my kids graduated.. He did not like that idea.


Ended one of mine, although far shorter than 2 years.
She wanted to be married (at maybe 6mo's dating, my 'rule' was 1yr minimum), and we were 3hrs apart. Still, I was willing to talk about it, she had 2 younger (8 & 11) children and had moved all around the country when they were younger, wanted them to have a stable school life as they got older - I actually respected that, wouldn't have considered asking her to move - but me moving meant selling my house, finding a new job (3hr commute, one way, isn't very realistic) in her area, etc... but any 'talk' about it wasn't an option. I moved up there and married her 'next week' or it was over. You can guess where that went.

I think, though, to the OP - if you have nobody now it is pointless to worry about. Maybe the guy you meet will be divorced and renting a condo or something? Or, maybe you'll lose your job and have to move and wind up renting when you meet "mr right" where ever he is. One never knows. It should be a topic of discussion with them, and of course depend on a lot of variables based on what you each have, where you live, etc.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 20
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 6:35:33 AM
^^ For me it wasnt about marriage, it was just taking it to the next level. Had he been willing to talk about it, the relationship may not have ended, but when you get two stubborn people together (both of us) the lack of communication is ultimately what killed it. I am one that believes in most cases a compromise is possible if Both people are willing to work it out.. if one just digs their heels in, it wont work. The most important factor was to communicate and find something that works for both. I am one who believes the relationship is more important than things, however I also believe in being smart and to protect your assets. it seems to me if two people want the same thing.. and they use common sense and good planning, it can be beneficial for both.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 21
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 7:32:19 AM

Ok I sell my house, my stuff, move in with you but we won't live happily ever after because it will be a cold day in hell before I cheer for the Eskimos.


Those are my boys!! I love my Eskimos!!!!

I am very good at deprogramming people from horrendous mistakes like being a Riders fan. :)

GO ESKS!!!!!
 wsiskey
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 22
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 7:34:07 AM
Listen,if i meet someone and i fall tuly in love with that person,she should feel the same way. we will do what we need to do. If your scared that person may backout,then ur in love with the wrong person.Period.
Life has become he who has the most toys wins. A man looking for a women to keep him up.or a women doing the same thing.Just stop it. Deal with the problems you have lurking with that person,before you make a move.
Do not give up anything until you both are trully in love and its obvious that you are. here. It want work,if either has this fear lurking around.
Real simple,keep all your stuff and make it all each others. if you cannot do that,then something inside is very wrong.Good luck.
 nirvanawithu
Joined: 12/12/2012
Msg: 23
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 7:47:55 AM
This has crossed my mind on many occasions and also impacts my life to this day. It seems inevitable if your relationship goes well, it's surprising you don't see it mentioned more.

Years back, my business was doing great and I moved into an awesome riverfront home with a lease option. I met someone and we dated about 5 months, which had gone very well. When her apartment lease came up, I figured why not ask her to move in. We were together about 3 years until her son moved down and caused issues, which led us to go our separate ways. The one comment she made later down the road that sticks in my mind, was "I never felt that house was ours, I was living in your place". Even though she decorated quite a bit and took over the closets, kitchen and bathrooms, I realized her point.

I eventually went on to rent a new condo for a little over a year, although I wasn't happy there. I met someone that asked me to move in with her and her daughter after only dating a few months. I threw caution to the wind and moved in. I broke my condo lease, sold most of my furniture and moved the rest of my belongings into storage. To this day, I'm still paying storage rent. Although the relationship ended and I moved out, I'd do it again. I feel great reward involves great risk. I gambled, and even though it didn't go as I had wished, it could have. We were both at a point in our lives where we would have got a new place together that we could have called "ours".

So now business has recovered and I'm currently in a temporary residence, which is a great place to be. I'm not tied down and met someone really fantastic that's in the same position. If things progress well, we'll get a place together and call it our own. At first, I was a bit unhappy, but I also came to realize it's a great opportunity to start fresh with someone and not have a ton of things to deal with, those barriers are absent.

At this age, I've found most people are thinking in terms of a lasting relationship and if they find the right person, merging household items isn't that big of a deal. I must admit, I steer clear of the "independent" types that profess they can do it all on their own and don't "need" a man. I value all the great things a woman brings to a relationship, regardless of her earning potential.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 24
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 8:31:42 AM

I, personally, think both keeping their respective homes as investment property and buying a 'new' house, together, suits me best. This way, both parties take the 'this is my house and I'm in control' bit out of the equation. Plus, it's a good exercise in working together as a team. Selecting, maintaining and decorating a home both have chosen.


I agree with this, especially when the parties are just cohabiting. This helps to protect the assets of both parties.

If this choice is not financially viable, then whichever partner moves in with the other, should keep their own house. If the relationship lasts, there would be a source of additional income from the rent or eventual sale; if it doesn't last, they have somewhere to live when they move out.

I've observed so many people who jump into cohabiting very soon without knowing each other well, and when they break up there's almost always a negative - even devastating - financial impact or the one who moved in.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 25
You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...
Posted: 4/14/2013 8:33:50 AM
I think it would be a bit easier if one or both was renting or leasing. But if both of you own your homes, then it becomes a bit more complicated. I have been financially hosed really badly by a previous ex, and I'm not particularly keen on having it happen again. On the other hand, I would want to be contributing in a meaningful way to a cohabitation arrangement. Knowing what it feels like to be hosed, I would be loath to do it to someone else.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > You meet, you date, it goes well...and then...