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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Difference between authentic and inauthentic love      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Very_Handsome
Joined: 3/7/2013
Msg: 1
Difference between authentic and inauthentic lovePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
As a couple if you are using intimidation by smashing things or making each other afraid, emotional abuse by putting each other down or playing mind games, isolation by controlling each other friends and where you can goes, minimizing each other's feelings by making light of serious situations or denying it didn't happen that way, blaming by saying someone caused something to happen, using children by threatening to take them away or using visitation to harass each other, privilege by treating each other like a servant; acting like your superior; making all the big decisions and being the one to define man's and woman's roles, economic abuse by not being there when needed and making each other ask for money, or coercion and threats by threatening to leave each other when your unhappy...you are not as solid of a person as you should be! you are using power and control over each other and still need to grow like I have #Treat each other right or lose them and watch someone do it for you! I guess if you knew better you would do better right?
 Very_Handsome
Joined: 3/7/2013
Msg: 2
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/18/2013 9:10:36 PM
haha I have no idea why someone would come up with so many negative generalizations about what I written unless it was racially driven, my life is not trying to become popular on POF by putting my two sense in someone elses forum especially when the conclusion you arrived at comes off as ignorant. I'm too busy working on my Master's Degree not watching Jerry Springer (who still does that?), so I know how to write and articulate myself very well. Thank you for your half-witted reply but it wasn't necessary
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 3
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/18/2013 9:12:36 PM
Ooh-oh, I can't go for that, oh no. No can do.
Think about it. There must be higher love.
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above.
 Very_Handsome
Joined: 3/7/2013
Msg: 4
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/18/2013 9:17:19 PM
yes exactly my point is don't waste time trying to force a relationship to work when these signs occur, let that person grow as an individual before inevitably wasting your and their time of a future break up. Wow! Someone gets it.
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 5
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/18/2013 9:35:39 PM

I guess if you knew better you would do better right?

Not necessarily.
Lots of people get into a bad relationship, such as is described in the OP.
Then that relationship ends.
Then they sit around single for a while, rationalize everything, pick things apart, lay blame around, sometimes pretend they learned something.
Then they think they're healed or whatever.
Then they start dating someone new and maybe get into an ongoing relationship.
Then down the road they just get back into routine patterns of behavior based on different factors and do the same thing over and over again, or the same thing occurs in different forms (e.g. instead of using kids as a weapon using sex as a weapon).

They can "know better" on an intellectual, 3rd person observer, level but simply can't put what they think they learned into practice.
Kind of like the generally understood difference between "book smart" and "street smart."
So no, just because someone knows better doesn't necessarily mean they would do better.


Difference between authentic and inauthentic love

I have no idea how this relates to the OP.
Like someone exclaiming "I only hurt you because I love you so much!" maybe?
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 6
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/18/2013 9:53:34 PM
Please don't articulate yourself, I am afraid of the dire consequences.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 7
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Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/18/2013 10:13:29 PM
wel, Eric-I am going to go for that because it's ridiculous...

OP-Seriously? You are going to play the race card because you don't like what some people said in answer to your post? I mean REALLY? Here, try this...Hide your pic and post a thread like this and see if you don't get the same responses. Wow...just wow.
If you've been on any of these threads very long, you would realize that in general the things people post are negative...no matter what color, gender age, etc the OP is. even when there is no pic or anything to SHOW anything about the OP there are usually more negative remarks than positive.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 8
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/18/2013 10:28:55 PM
Op,i would hope id never,ever get into a relationship like you describe as id pray id have the smarts to never be in that position.
I dont see any love whatsoever in what you've posted.

I see drama,manipulation etc and i personally prefer healthy,happy relationships.

Sorry,but what was the purpose of this Thread?
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 9
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/18/2013 11:01:11 PM
Wow, is this what your relationships are like OP? Good gracious, I'd lock myself in closet and just wait to die before going through all that.But what is the question anyway? It sounds like an all around no holes barred disaster. It doesn't sound like love figures anywhere into the mix. Moreso, two petulant childish people playing house. Hopefully you will find someone nore suited for you. Relationships are suppose to be more fluid than this. ****ing and complaining won't help anything, but working towards maturing might.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 10
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Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/19/2013 2:07:10 AM
Actually, since I carefully read the opening post, I don't think it's at all a negative one. It could have been written in a way to make it easier to read for us, but that's criticism better suited to an English class.

What I see this being about, is simply that the OP is pointing out that he sees too many couples think that real love means taking all their frustrations out on their mates, on the grounds that "if they love me, they'll put up with my crap." And I think he's essentially correct. That is a common mistake that people make. It's the more shady part of the standard, childish, fairy-tale version of what human relations and "true love" is all about.

Remember "love means never having to say you're sorry?" What a load of crap THAT Hollywood line was. Aich.

As for blaming racism when your ideas aren't easily well received, instead of recognizing that you could have expressed yourself more clearly, that's a separate issue for the OP to try to grow out of himself.

And finally one note: with the re-hiding of the forums, I can see that this time we have a few dedicated "bashers" who have latched onto them as a way to vent, and that they are going to dive in and pronounce pretty much ANY subject area as proof that they are right to hate. Those of us who are NOT here to get off on dumping our private dripping bags of garbage into other peoples driveways, will just have to tolerate and ignore them as best we can.

Anyway,OP, no you got the racism thing wrong. Yes, you got the point of your opening post correct. I think so anyway.
 cajuncooker
Joined: 3/3/2013
Msg: 11
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/19/2013 3:40:34 AM
I think in all the way he is presenting his case I understand kind of what he is saying.
I will give this one a shot.
Inauthentic love is a love based on the fact that you need and want someone for any reason and you will take what you can get and settle. And it is driven by the fear that the person may not stay and be there so you have to bully and threaten.
True love is a lot different. It sacrifices yourself for the better of the other person and puts them first. It genuinely forgives when someone has wronged you and you let it go never to bring it up again. It does not intimidate the other person. Its not violent or threatening but is calm soft and respectful of the other person.
Inauthentic love is the Jerry Springer soap opera type drama filled love that is more abuse. Authentic love is calming and soothing and built on mutual trust and respect for the other person.
I have heard several different things about what love is: Love is a verb, love is a choice, love is an act of the will. But in all those I have learned love is all these which makes it not just an emotion but an action also.
Now some of you know I am a christian and 1 corinthians 13 gives us what true love is along with ephesians chapter 5. and in both of those it is putting the other person first. Jesus also said greater love have no man than this than that he lay his life down for his friends. He also said if you love me obey me. That is not the you are under my thumb and you have to obey or else, but it is a personal choice to do what he asks and to do what he wants us to. Bringing that to a love relatationship it means this, you choose to sacrifuce things for your partner. And those things are things that could harm the relationship and hinder it.
But it all boils down to putting the other person first, sacrificing for that person and putting the relationship first.
 CaptainTeebs
Joined: 11/10/2012
Msg: 12
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/19/2013 6:03:20 AM

Sorry,but what was the purpose of this Thread?


Exactly.
Hence, the "negative answers" that were a funnier, more clever version version of answering, "Well DUH, Captain Obvious!" Or people not even understanding what the question was, because he more or less just made a statement, kinda like saying, "There is a difference between authentic Mexican food and inauthentic Mexican food, and to do it, avoid inauthentic Mexican food; don't go to Taco Bell.
 ksayer1
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 13
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Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/19/2013 6:09:21 AM
OP

This happens often even between people who wouldn't usually be considered bad people.
They fall into infatuation. It is so strong it must be ''real'' this desire to constantly be in contact with the other person and it seems to over ride any sense they may have.
Then reality creeps in and they start to realize they are not ''right'' for eachother and are not getting their basic needs met so they try to force the other to meet their needs.
Or one or both have major issues that come out, they refuse to deal with them and try to make the other person deal with their unhealthy thoughts and attitudes.

They usualy don't realize what they are doing and blame it on the other.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 14
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/19/2013 7:35:23 AM
Working on a Master's Degree and can't spell, punctuate, or phrase any better than that? Do you even know what a paragraph is? Scary what our school systems are churning out. Sad. And just so you know, it's spelled "two cents" NOT "two sense."
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 15
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/19/2013 7:45:30 AM
What you describe is codependency and emotional abuse. It is a cycle in which the victim and the perpetrator are entangled and both switch roles and poke at each others. People in these cycles tend to go back to them, because it is an addiction. This is not love, it's an addiction.

You can enter a relationship like this inadvertently, without even thinking because you become the Rescuer. But again, even in that role you will become the victim of that person, and in your own anger a perpetrator. The reality is that these three roles are played by all the people involved, even though there may be your traditional victim, your traditional perpetrator or abuser, and your traditional rescuer.

If you enter a relationship like this. End it, get out. Not even therapy is going to help you, because eventually you will be pushing each other's buttons and start the cycle again. Also remember that this is not love, it's a chemical addition to the emotions, the adrenaline, also the emotions produced by abandonment.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 16
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/19/2013 7:57:37 AM
All I know is, if someone treated me like the OP described, it wouldnt matter one bit if they said they loved me...I dont think feeling love and being abusive go hand in hand and I wont tolerate it from anyone.

People will forget what you say, they will only remember how you made them feel.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 17
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/19/2013 8:41:18 AM

If you know the difference you will be less likely to be the abuser and would be quicker at recognising when you are being abused and either stop it or leave.


It's is easy to say that one will never enter in such relationships. Ask many women (and men as well) that have been in abusive relationships, and they didn't see it coming. Grant you, that if you grew up in an abusive environment it is very hard to distinguish between the two, so more than likely you will end up in abusive relationships. But there are many other people that did not grow up in abusive relationships that ended in one. The analogy is simple. Throw a frog in hot water and it jumps out. Now put the frog in cold water and increase the heat slowly and it will boil to death.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 18
Difference between authentic and inauthentic love
Posted: 4/19/2013 9:14:21 AM

op: you are using power and control over each other and still need to grow like I have

All grown up! And ‘very handsome’ too.

op: Treat each other right or lose them and watch someone do it for you! I guess if you knew better you would do better right?

If we knew better we could all be a bit more like you, OP. You certainly are a very superior person.
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