Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why won't he let me go?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 1
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
My boyfriend broke up w/me because he said his parents would disown him (they plan on arranging a marriage for him instead) & he just can't cause his family that much pain. The night he did it, he stayed up w/me crying the whole night and told me, "Nothing has to change between us at all," other than not sleeping together basically. He said "I'll still take care of you & everything exactly like I always have." Since then, we'll hang out & he'll hold my hand, kiss me, but just romantic -- never tries to use those things to get me to have sex. Also, he makes comments about how he'll prove to me how much he cares even when I'm not right nearby anymore (I'm moving soon).... That he can't be without me... That he loves me.. At one point I told him that if he goes through w/an arranged marriage then I'm never going to be able to talk to him again & he literally burst into tears. And when I was mad at him about something recently right before he left for a sports tournament, he said "Can you come over right now... I can't leave things with you on this note before I leave... you know how depressed I get when I know you're sad because of me." He literally is treating me like a girlfriend without the benefits of sex/commitment and I'm not even gonna live nearby for him to see me conveniently anymore. Why would a man possibly do this?
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 2
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/19/2013 9:51:31 PM

He literally is treating me like a girlfriend without the benefits of sex/commitment...Why would a man possibly do this?

Several obvious reasons seem to be possible.
-His parents are asserting control over his life, your relationship is a means to feel like he has control over it, an act of rebelling.
-He is scared of change.
-He is not married yet. So why not stick to the relationship he has now.
-He may say he doesn't need sex. Give it a while.
-He has commitments towards you, promised you certain things, he needs to live up to those things in order to maintain the idea that he is a "good" person.
-He loves melodrama, this sounds like a Lifetime movie of the week.
-He is torn between what he wants as an individual and what the group he identifies himself by wants for him and he can't make decisions for himself so much as wait until events make decisions for him.

Those are some reasons why a man would possibly do this.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 3
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/19/2013 10:41:00 PM
Whatever the reason, it's not a good situation for you. Personally, I think you need to get away from him and stsy away from him. I don't see anything good for you if you go along with what he wants
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 3:28:07 AM
Look, if he's not man enough to stand up to his parents, there's nothing in this situation for you.

Are you going to stick around until he gets married to another woman?

He probably acts like this because he loves you, but, contrary to popular belief, love, without anything else, does NOT conquer all. This man has chosen tradition and his parents over you, and you will not begin to heal until you rip off the band aide and walk away from this.
 varyk
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 5
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:04:53 AM
Arranged marriages are for the most part tradition and still very much a part of cultures in Asia and around the world. It is a foreign concept to most especially in the perspective of western society. It is hard to wrap your head around a concept so foreign, but it goes beyond what most are familiar with. This is a delicate matter for most families and to defy the wishes of elders or in most cases parents is unthinkable. Arrange marriages in the past and even now in practice to ensure the continued linage and the status of the family and to preserve the resources or increase as such. People usually marry within their own circle and marrying outside the circle is not encouraged or condoned. My parents marriage was arranged so, I have a little knowledge of the culture of arranged marriages.

Why won't he let go?
You have to understand that he is torn between what he wants as a man which is you and what his parents want as a son which is an arranged marriage. It is easy to use western standards to label him a coward and to say he isn't "man" enough to stand up to his family, but in all honesty it is evident that he does care about you.

What should you do?
TBH, there isn't anything you can do at this point. Because there are no guarantees that he will be able to make the choice of defying his family and choosing you. Don't make the mistake of getting caught up in the drama as I like to put it, because it will suck the life out of you. If you do love him, let him go. He needs to deal with his own "demons". For you to stick around would be far to painful for you. You don't deserve the torment and anguish of the reality of what is happening. Moving away is the best thing you can do. Severe contact and cease relations continuing would be futile and counter productive. He needs to find his own place in life whether it be at the expense of your relationship or with you. But this is a personal battle that he has to overcome.

What was mean to be will be, what was not meant will never be..no matter how much you both may want it to. Be strong move forward , but take heart, love that was meant to sustain and flourish can not be extinguish. Good Luck!!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:32:28 AM
I think this is simple and obvious.

You are his primary psychological life crutch. Nothing more and nothing less. That is what makes you so valuable to him, that he would do and say all that he has. In all of what you have been for him, you have not really been a real mate at all, rather you have been an entity who provides him with a sense of continuity and comfort as life changes around him.

That is why he does all that he does to try to keep you around, why he is promising (what he can't possibly deliver) to try to bribe you into staying as his crutch while he goes into his arranged marriage, and why he says everything he does. You are incredibly valuable to him, in that very specific way.

If his arranged marriage proves to be unsatisfying, he wants you to be around to provide for all of his expectations of what life is supposed to be. He is desperately afraid that he will feel like a lost child, if you leave him. But if by chance his assigned marital partner proves up to the task of fulfilling that comfort role that you have been doing, he will vanish as if he is a magician performing on a stage, and perhaps never realize himself that he never really "loved" you, any more than he "loves" his now wife.
 02HDF150
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:47:55 AM

Arranged marriages are for the most part tradition and still very much a part of cultures in Asia and around the world. It is a foreign concept to most especially in the perspective of western society. It is hard to wrap your head around a concept so foreign, but it goes beyond what most are familiar with. This is a delicate matter for most families and to defy the wishes of elders or in most cases parents is unthinkable. Arrange marriages in the past and even now in practice to ensure the continued linage and the status of the family and to preserve the resources or increase as such. People usually marry within their own circle and marrying outside the circle is not encouraged or condoned. My parents marriage was arranged so, I have a little knowledge of the culture of arranged marriages.

Why won't he let go?
You have to understand that he is torn between what he wants as a man which is you and what his parents want as a son which is an arranged marriage. It is easy to use western standards to label him a coward and to say he isn't "man" enough to stand up to his family, but in all honesty it is evident that he does care about you.

What should you do?
TBH, there isn't anything you can do at this point. Because there are no guarantees that he will be able to make the choice of defying his family and choosing you. Don't make the mistake of getting caught up in the drama as I like to put it, because it will suck the life out of you. If you do love him, let him go. He needs to deal with his own "demons". For you to stick around would be far to painful for you. You don't deserve the torment and anguish of the reality of what is happening. Moving away is the best thing you can do. Severe contact and cease relations continuing would be futile and counter productive. He needs to find his own place in life whether it be at the expense of your relationship or with you. But this is a personal battle that he has to overcome.

What was mean to be will be, what was not meant will never be..no matter how much you both may want it to. Be strong move forward , but take heart, love that was meant to sustain and flourish can not be extinguish. Good Luck!!


Excellent post varyk!!!
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:57:48 AM
I take it you're not an American? lol

I mean, if you think about it, you are his enabler. You have this relationship with him that you like and when he get's married you sound like you can walk away and never look back the minute the rings are on their fingers. I don't believe you feel like this at all. I think you are hurting and are going to be so sad at the end my heart goes out to you, but...

I am an American so I don't understand any of this reasoning of yours.

All you got to do is find a new man and sleep with him and your BF will back off faster than a blank of an eye. As long as you keep having relations with him the harder it's going to get when he HAS to get married to someone else *does this really happen in this day and age?* Wow...

You encourage all of it. You are his enabler. You have created this mess. You need to be the strong one to fix it.

In other words, you need to kick him to the curb. Believe me with all the drama he's creating for you what he is really saying is please be mean to me, please have drama with me, please kick me to the curb so that I can move on to my arranged marriage. That is what is soul is crying out for.... You will have to be the bad one to act it out.

Next, where's my ticket.....
What a soap opera...
You need a support team!
Good luck with that mess!
Jan
 varyk
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 9
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 5:18:10 AM
I take it you're not an American? lol


Never assume, because you know what they say about assuming, just saying:-)


I mean, if you think about it, you are his enabler. You have this relationship with him that you like and when he get's married you sound like you can walk away and never look back the minute the rings are on their fingers. I don't believe you feel like this at all. I think you are hurting and are going to be so sad at the end my heart goes out to you, but...


As tempting as it is to blindly label someone and place them into a nice little box for your convenience based on one post, I wouldn't. Remember no situation is black and white . The fact still remains that there isn't anything rational about emotion. And when you are in the midst of it all, its hard to see clearly and seems to me she is just trying to sort her feelings and understanding of the situation. Whether you empathize or not there isn't anything worse than someone who judges based on assumptions.


I am an American so I don't understand any of this reasoning of yours.


What does the fact that you being American have to do with anything anyway.. nothing it's irrelevant. FYI Being American doesn't allot you the liberty to speak for all Americans. That is your opinion, so let us treat it as such.

 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 5:35:47 AM
I said this because Americans usually don't have arranged marriages unless they are Mormons, Islamic (which there are few Islamic, or a similar cult like groups in America) unless they have become American citizens, and now call themselves Americans.... blah, blah, blah... or are reincarnated from the 1900's so, it was easy to assume that the OP is a foreigner, and if that makes me an arse, so be it.

I also said this because being an American women we don't usually sleep with boyfriends who are engaged and in arranged marriages then go on public forums wondering what we should do.

She totally created this mess. She puts out with an engaged man, who is crying and begging her, and still sleeping with her regardless, and the assumption came in to play because these two adult people don't understand their own drama. Also, I have never known one straight American man who would act like this man in question where he acted like a drama queen with all the balling and hissy fits, unless he was gay.

I put 100 bucks up on the table to say the OP is not an American. Betcha, and I bet she would never admit to it now that this post has gone this way, so I bet we will never know the truth...
Jan
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 6:41:19 AM
I'm sure you are hoping to hear that he's so in love with you and wishes he could marry you but his family is leading his life for him...and that at the last second he will run to you and be with you instead. Fat chance. First, this whole thing is very juvenile, all this angst and holding onto to each other, wake up, you are not what his family will allow him to marry, he's not going to stand up to them, in fact he thinks they are right but you were fun to be with. He hangs onto you because he's not a fully grown man and he likes you taking care of his immature emotional needs just as he needs mommy & daddy to tell him how to live. It's a lost cause for you, for him, it's just all part of the culture he's in and how they treat outside women like you and how they marry inside women like whomever is picked for him. At some point you will either be dumped, if he has any real ethics, or you will be the side piece while he moans on about not being happy in his arranged marriage.

So what do you want, he has no way of not letting you go, you have all the power over what you do and what you allow in your life. Take a cold hard look at yourself and why you find all this drama exciting and think teenage-type angst seems like love to you.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 12
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 6:53:21 AM
Its almost refreshing to read something like this, after so many women posting, "he only wants sex!" and a few nice guys posting, "where's the women who want a long courting period without sex?"

well folks, here's your worst case scenario of getting what you asked for :)

he's treating you like his gf b/c he cares about you. your situation is no different than two kids meeting up during summer vacation at a remote resort, clicking well, and knowing that at the end of the week they will both go home to their separate towns and not meet again (back in the day before the Internet, I mean).

Men don't need sex to show love, just like women don't either. Love is more than just sex, which is why people who use sex to represent love keep getting used for sex. that being said...sex is fun, enjoyable, and a wonderful medium for two people to express intimacy for each other. If you aren't getting exactly what you want, unfortunately...you have to stand up for yourself. That may not fit well into your belief system, but your bf is doing what feels good to him (clinging on to you as long as he can). He will do things for you that feel good to him, but doing the ultimate good deed for you--letting you move on--he won't do, b/c it won't feel good for him.

here's a man who goes by his emotions rather than his logic. if he wasn't so attractive to you (for this reason and perhaps on a physical level as well), he'd be a stalker and you'd know how to handle his creepy ways. You'd do what was availible to you to do, in order to protect yourself. you will, alas, have to do that now.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 7:26:10 AM
I see you noticed that. I am just assuming again, sigh..... I just can't wrap my head around how a man would act like that towards a woman and her towards him unless they are being more intimate then what the OP is saying. I don't believe for one minute that she hasn't been intimate with the boy, I mean man.

Sorry, don't believe it.
Jan
 msright78
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 14
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 1:25:45 PM
I hate to say this but I was down this exact same road except the roles were reversed. My bf dumped me for the same reasons and it was ME who was having a tough time letting him go. Eventually I did. I had to cut off all ties with him, stop talking to him altogether.

It's sad that parents like that would ruin a happy relationship to get what they want.

I think u need to move on and the way u can do this is simply by not answering his calls, texts or watever. If he had the balls to stick by u then he should and because his letting his parents run his life, u don't need a man like that in ur life. Men like that will never change and will always listen to their parents. Where does that leave u in the end?

If he's having a hard time letting go then u need to do watever it takes to stop him from contacting u. Why? Cuz u deserve someone better than him. Someone who wants to be with U and not give u excuses like that.

Seriously, some ppl need to decide if they want to live their own life or live the life their parents want. At some point kids need to cut the umbilical cord from their parents and live their lives.
 domainfullduplex100
Joined: 12/21/2012
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 1:48:27 PM
first, he is a bit of an unstable character. Frankly, a wimp and a control freak. Don't let him. If he can't stand up to his parents for the woman he loves, he will never stand up to anything substantive. Send him of to his arranged marriage, where as someone pointed out, he can carry on the lineage behaviours (wimpy) and maintain the family and class resources...hope he doesn't die of boredom looking through DNA.
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 16
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 8:18:41 PM
But if he was so sure he'd never change his mind, then why would he keep trying to get closer to me? I mean, if I tell him I'm ticked off about something, I don't see what reason he'd possibly have to freak out & say "I need to see u now, I cant go away for 2 days if I know you're upset, I'll be depressed?" Is that really consistent with someone who thinks he can spend his whole life with a woman other than me?
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 17
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 8:23:34 PM
OP, visualize your future if this is how it will be and then you can answer your own question. I realize your age but you are old enough to know better.
 Jackals38
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 8:32:37 PM
You are confusing love with codependency. He sounds completely codependent and that's why he acts the way he does. The fact the you are moving soon would only make him act more clingy, not less. And the title is extremely silly since you act like you have no control in the situation. If he's not letting you go, it's at least in part because you aren't letting him.
 riuser
Joined: 8/31/2010
Msg: 19
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 8:38:54 PM
Fine, he probably is in love with you. But he is being selfish. If he knows he is not going to go against his parents (which is no small task/feat), then he should let you go. Obviously that would not be easy if he is in love with you. He is basically trying to hold on to you as long as he can.

Here is the deal. This is not going to end well for you. Either you stick with him and it will be worse later. Or you sever ties with him and let it hurt now. Either way it is going to hurt.

I am not putting him down. It is difficult to lose someone you care about. Especially if it is not your choice (I am talking about him). But for your well-being, you should give him the choice - either he chooses you or he leaves you alone completely (and you sever all ties with him). I do not care how good a guy he is, or if he is your best friend, or whatever, you need to separate if he is not going to choose you. If he says he can not, then tell him to tell his parents. If he can not, then tell him not to talk to you unless he does. Tell him that you are not mad, but that this is not good for you. That you deserve someone that is going to choose you openly and honestly.

Again, I am not putting him down. I am saying for your well-being you need to have him choose. He either chooses you or he severs all ties. No in-between/half-ass choice. Tell him to man up - one way or the other.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 12:49:14 AM
OP you are confusing someone who is controlling and manipulating as someone who loves you. The world is full of people who profess their undying love just to manipulate, and just for the thrill of the manipulation. He'll be depressed? Seriously, you are blind to how you are being manipulated.
 Hands of gold
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 1:26:45 AM
Thank God you live in New York and only have 1,000,000 other men in a 30 minute radius of you. In that, maybe 10,000 compatible with you. Best odds in North America.

Move on.

This one can't have what he wants and won't ask for it.

Move on.
 Vesta_ceres
Joined: 4/5/2013
Msg: 22
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 4:56:17 AM
I don't know why this familial arrangement or cultural expectation was not discussed before an intimate relationship had begun. Some parents in this culture emotionally blackmail their children in this situation, to convince them that the woman they're seeing is a viper, and they do it quickly as to avoid a scandal in their community. It's senseless and unfair, I know, but this is the standard which you must accept to move forward with your life and find a more deserving human being who'll value you for you.

Your ex-beau's tears are as genuine as three-dollar bills. He wanted the convenience of a sexual experience he otherwise wouldn't have been permitted to explore (at least on the surface). He wanted what was forbidden, he wanted excitement, to give it a try, before he became marriageable and his folks found a suitable partner. He knew this before having a relationship with you. What, did he say that he would try to convince his parents about you? Bullshit.

You need to cease communications with this man, at once. Sever all ties with him. He is going for marriage now and he'll show off in the pomp and circumstance of what a revered and respectable (experienced) boy he is, in his marriage procession; he will have his token virgin bride as his pride (his poor wife); and he will have his own family with her. How will this make you feel to see this happen? How would make it feel to be with him and know he his duplicitous behavior as he alternates between having the obligatory sex with her and telling you (in feigned protest) how unfair the whole thing is, knowing full well you're in last place in his life, while he enjoys the emotional side of using you? You don't want to be the other woman. Don't accept anything from him. He has one hand on yours and the other with the proverbial knife in it behind his back.
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 10:08:58 AM

I would need to know more. What does it mean for said culture not to defy your parents? Is there money involved that might be cut off if he seeks happiness over tradition? Will it kill his mother if he didn't obey her? Hmmmm.....Will it mean he may never see his family again? Will he get stoned? Killed in his sleep by his uncles for dishonoring the family? Does one want to see a family that cares so little about his happiness? Hell, even the east indians have some leeway to arranged marriages! I believe they will set you up but there is a clause that allows one to decline...so the family has to keep looking until they find one that will make their off spring happy? Has he even tried to let his family know that he has already found the girl of his dreams? Has he even tried anything at all?


He says his parents will disown him, that he used to be more optimistic but now it seems that they're very serious about wanting an arranged marriage. He told me he lies awake crying every night over this ... says that he can't live without me and is depressed by the mere thought of me being upset... any time I'm upset, as I said, he flips out & wants to see me asap ... can't go away for a few days without making sure things are "ok between us"... it's intense
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 10:29:06 AM
Disown, blah, blah!

He's making a choice. Every choice has consequences.

One man chose a woman and gave up the throne of England.

This sniveling little manipulator wants his cake (his parents' approval) and eat it (you/ your emotional support). Kick his whiny ass to the curb and move on, maybe that'll help him grow up some.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 11:03:24 AM
???

Are you saying this is not a historic fact?
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why won't he let me go?