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 AUTHOR
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 2
Boyfriend moved in...Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
You should have figured this out ahead of time and gotten it in writing. You essentially don't know him, moved too fast, and you can't change him either...you've got potential problems already. Believe me, I know. This will probably blow up in your face because you put the cart before the horse...be ready. Wish I had a solution, but can't see one.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 3
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History
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 11:08:36 AM
Far too many variables and unknowns to have allowed someone to move in with you after only two months of "talking" and one meeting. This was not a wise decision for both parties.
Now you are in an unnecessary and uncomfortable position of having to deal with these unknowns.

If he is not honouring his end of the agreement at this early stage in your "relationship", how is this telling of your future with him when other important matters arise?

If he is unable to make the payment, he should NOT have agreed to it.
He is already acting irresponsibly (but then, so are you). I am a business owner myself and take these matters very seriously.

Stand your ground (enforce the agreement) and be prepared to detach.
DO NOT tell him how to run his "business". You may politely offer suggestions if you are familiar with the industry. But this should not be your concern.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 4
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 11:16:10 AM
I'm of two minds when it comes to this type of thing.

1. Take the total amount of income that the two of you bring in. If you make, let's say 60 percent of the total income, you can pay 60 percent of the expenses. If you make 40 percent of the income, you should be paying 40 percent of the expenses.

2. If he is struggling with his income at this time, you can cut him a bit of slack, and let him know that when his income picks up, then he will be expected to contribute more, so that he can make up for the times he wasn't paying much.

OR;

3. You can let him know that he must pay what he agreed upon, or he will have to find a place on his own. He would be paying the entire amount if he was living on his own, so paying half (or whatever he originally agreed upon) is actually a benefit to him. How he runs his business is his problem.

Be very careful though. Do not allow him to become complacent about his financial obligations. He should be contributing to the household, if he gets the benefit of being a part of it.
 AJ12345
Joined: 3/9/2007
Msg: 5
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History
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 11:22:15 AM
I have dealt with several roommates in my earlier days who I had to kick out because they did not feel like paying their share. And they all starting out like this guy. They agree to pay a certain amount, and then they slowly start paying less and less and start coming up with excuses. I would be VERY careful. I know you don't NEED the money, but in my experience, many people have no problem with taking advantage of those who are trying to be nice and helpful by giving them a place to live.

Also, if his job doesn't provide him with enough money to even pay half of rent/expenses, than maybe he should look for something else to do. Good luck.
 Schatzi2015
Joined: 3/3/2013
Msg: 6
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 11:24:12 AM
You might want to suggest to him getting a roommate or a part time job.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 8
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 11:34:58 AM
IMO..You have to stick to your guns....I ended up in a situation...when I moved in with him(rented my place out) but my costs were more than being on my own....he owed too much.
It sucks but no one lives for free..Is it more than what he was paying on his own?
gas, ass or grass...lol.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 9
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 11:35:12 AM
No one ever goes into these things thinking it's not going to work out or they wouldn't do it. But as I stated before, you really don't know this guy. And why are you in here if you're totally comfortable with the situation? There's an old adage, "you really don't know anyone til you live with them." Guess time will tell.
 Insanity_Inc
Joined: 2/9/2013
Msg: 11
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 11:57:38 AM
We all really hate to believe that the person we thought was one thing turns out to not be that person. You thought that this man you met was a responsible adult who could live up to their obligations. It turns out that you were wrong, and as hard as that is to admit, you must face up to this reality.

What you need to ask yourself now is are you willing to support him? Because, if this early on in the relationship, he is already not living up to his agreements, I doubt that he ever will.

If you are willing to happily support him and not worry about how you may be judged for this, then go ahead. Do what feels right for you.

If you're not, then you really should end this situation as soon as you can by advising him to get his own place so that you can continue to date him but not support him.

I wish you all the best.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 12
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 12:16:54 PM

Take the total amount of income that the two of you bring in. If you make, let's say 60 percent of the total income, you can pay 60 percent of the expenses. If you make 40 percent of the income, you should be paying 40 percent of the expenses.

I've always thought it was fairest to split proportionately like this.

In this case it's difficult to do though, since it appears he can't be all that sure of his income!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 13
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Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 12:38:14 PM
You have a roommate, since you barely knew him before you moved him in I find it hard to think of him as a boyfriend...so you have a roommate who is not paying his share. You should have gotten that in writing with a clause for kicking him out if he didn't pay his share. But what you have instead is he's paying most of his half in sex, so if the sex is worth it to you, if having a deadbeat you can call a boyfriend is worth it to you, then just don't say anything and take the 25% he might come up with. If you tell him you've lowered his rate, he'll most likely then only pay 25% of the lower amount. Trust me, no decent person not looking to use you would ever live with you and not pay their share they agreed to. He's found someone who will let him live off her and he gets sex, he's not budging anytime soon, until some other girl comes across with a better offer. The gender of who is using whom doesn't matter, although women have been doing this for centuries. We like to assume men will pay, but many are just as big of gold diggers. It's not like you said come live with me for free and I'll take care of you, you set up a 50-50 deal that he never had any intention of doing, ask his 'friends & lovers' that he's couch surfed, he's looking for as close to a free ride as he can get and you are ready, willing and able to take him on so you can have a boyfriend. Only you know if he's worth the cost. Many couples live this way quite happily, some call it the old fashion way (usually with women living off the income of the man, but still the same thing) and if you want that set up,then keep him, but stop expecting him to pay half, he's not going to and it doesn't bother him not to. I'm sure the nagging to get his half bugs him, but not paying it, that's how he lives no matter who he lives with. You have to decide what works for you. If you keep expecting him to pay his half, you are going to build up resentments toward him and that kills a relationship. Also keep in mind, a so-called househusband should be doing the housework and should children come along, be a stay-at-home dad, or whatever set up works for both of you. Get this stuff straight so he's not just using you with no return benefits other than sex. A household needs to work for both people.
 searcher3013
Joined: 12/27/2012
Msg: 14
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 12:42:07 PM
The title of your post confused me...I thought you said he was your boyfriend. He obviously ins't. He is your roommate. Since he avoids physical contact with the plague, you have stopped short of being roommate/ FWB. If you want a boyfriend, look elsewhere. It doesn't seem like he's into you.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 17
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Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 1:05:08 PM
^^^^^^

The one who avoids physical contact is from another thread. You got them mixed up.

This dude is a garden variety freeloader. He is not your boyfriend, if you didn't know him beyond a couple of months of long-distance dating. You're rationalizing and making excuses for him. It's irrelevant that he's not adding to your expenses. He's not holding up his end of the bargain and sponging off of you.

He'll do this until he gets a better offer or you'll start nagging too much, whichever comes first.
 Happy_gal2013
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 19
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 1:13:58 PM
Op,
You have received many great responses. Now its time for you to make a decision. Keep in mind if you can't live with the situation, learn to live without it. I would suggest to always get things in writing oral communication is not always binding. I know your intent is not to take legal action ever against him, but let me tell you things could go south quickly.

A friend got into a similar situation and the guy eneded up living off her for 6 months and not paying a dime. She had to go and get eviction papers to get him out of her home. He ended up taking her jewelry, computer and many other items on the way out. He moved when she was at work. I'm not saying your guy is this type of guy, but we all know there are some bad apples out there.
Good luck
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 20
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 1:27:57 PM
It seems like he has to "hustle" to get money, and this being short will always be an issue for him. Either accept it or politely lrt him know this arrangement wont work for you. In writing give him 30 days notice to vacate, and chalk it up to a lesson learned. You will never see the money he owes you, so consider it gone. Sorry
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 21
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 1:28:06 PM
It's apparent that you're starting to become very unhappy with the situation and you're just starting to admit it to yourself. You've decided to say nothing...a BIG mistake. You let this go on, he will take it as it's OK, and it will not improve. The fact that he's being vague about how much money he's getting says much...either he's spending it on stuff you know nothing about, or there isn't any. Either way, he seems to have a secret life, and a secret life is secret for a reason, and it's never good.
Happy_gal has made some additional points that I think are very valid...if you have valuables such as jewelry, cash, credit cards , it would not be a bad idea to get them to a safety deposit box until such time as you feel really safe, or when he's gone. You've got some decisions to make, and actions to be taken one way or the other.
As to advice, next time ask before you take action so you can get all the angles and issues before you proceed. There's much good life experience in here and most really care.
 searcher3013
Joined: 12/27/2012
Msg: 22
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 1:39:50 PM

The one who avoids physical contact is from another thread. You got them mixed up.


Thank you,Marleen! Sorry OP!


So any money he gives me is pure profit. I feel bad asking him to stretch himself thin for money I don't "need". But other posters were saying that would just enable him and he needs incentive to work harder.


Well, you can think of it as profit, I suppose. What I would expect is that if two people share a place, they can live almost as cheaply as one, thus enabling each person to afford to put aside some savings or afford some other item, like a nicer car. OR, if two people want to live together, together they could afford a much nicer place. Your arrangement seems unfair to you.
 domainfullduplex100
Joined: 12/21/2012
Msg: 23
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Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 1:40:57 PM
you are letting money concerns or concerns for being taken for a ride get in the way of a good relationship.
If the relationship has other issues that make you worried about being taken for a ride, then let us know.
If you must support him till he finds his feet, then do. It will be for the good of your relationship. On the other hand if YOU do not see long term prospects btw you and him, then by all means focus on money and destroy the relationship.
If you are worried...have a frank respectful conversation.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 24
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 1:52:23 PM

Should I try to get him to change how he's doing business?


Why should he? It works for him.

Look, it appears he's never really demonstrated an adult level of responsibility with a real job, a place to live or paying his way.

My advice ... Update and correct your profile where you claim to have "No pets."
 searcher3013
Joined: 12/27/2012
Msg: 26
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 3:33:57 PM
I totally agree that if he makes less than you , he should pay less than fifty-fifty. If he makes half of what you make, then he should pay one third, and you should be two thirds., for example. One problem is he agreed to pay fifty percent and he only paid about twenty five percent of that. A quarter of fifty percent is only about twelve and a half percent. You'd have to make more than six times what he makes in order for that to be fair. Hopefully, there is just a cash flow problem preventing him from getting caught up . OR...if he really does make only a sixth of what you make, then I hope you make GREAT money :)
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 28
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:00:15 PM
Any grown man with any amount of integrity and maturity would NOT be happy with his "partner" supporting him. Bet he knew this when he made the move. You asked if you were naive, yes, you are. I give up; good luck.
 searcher3013
Joined: 12/27/2012
Msg: 30
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:17:34 PM

So yeah, I will be making much more than him. That's why I originally thought covering all the utilities and most of food might be a better compromise. To me when you put it like that, rather than comparing dollar amounts, it seems like he's pulling his weight.


Well, yes, but....and I am not trying to pry into your personal business, but I would guess an RN with a degree might make about $70000/year. If he makes a sixth of what you make (which you seem to be sort of agreeing with, since you are okay with him paying only 12% of the household expenses) that means he makes about $11000 (before tax) How old is this person? And more importantly, how could he possibly support himself on that salary? The answer is: he can't. You are basically supporting him. If that's fine with you, go for it. Just do the math and be aware.


And I did tell him since he doesn't have a regular paycheck, I won't be "rent is due by the 1st!!"


Why not? If he lived in the real world, he would have to pony up and on time, too.


as long as he's constantly giving me what he can.


More like constantly not giving you what he can't.


Hopefully he'll have a couple hundred dollars today. Anyone else have thoughts on that?


I think you are releasing him from pretty much all financial responsibility. My grandmother used to say, "If you take out the trash the first week you are married, you'll be taking out the trash for the next thirty years."
 Tsar850
Joined: 3/23/2013
Msg: 31
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:24:15 PM

Also, I wonder how much the gender double standard plays into this. Because I was looking at other people who were asking the same question. One woman moved in with her guy and he was paying TRIPLE of what she was paying plus both of their cell phones because of pay differences. Not one person called her a bad names (except for the fact she was whining about being asked to pitch in $50 for high utilities one month and even then some people took her side).


That double standard has always been and will remain. This is why I will never move a lady into my home. She can keep hers and I will keep mine.

Same with combining money very bad idea. One or the other will start sliding on the amount of bills they agreed on in the beginning.

Good luck.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 32
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Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:32:18 PM
Congratulations, OP, you're a sugar mama!
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 33
Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 4:50:58 PM

how should I approach it?

First you should figure out how you really see it and then be consistent with that view.
You want him to be your boyfriend or your roommate?
You can't have both. You can't jerk the relationship around with "today it's about our emotions, okay, time to put that aside since I got a bill."

If you want him to be your roommate then you need to force it into a roommate situation.
Get him on the lease. Be clear and concise with your expectations regarding the bills. Put it in writing.
If he doesn't pay, kick him out. Just like you would do with any renter.

If you want him to be your boyfriend then you give up certain protections and abilities that you would have with a roommate.
Then you need to take his emotions into account.
By that I don't mean make sure you don't hurt him so much as realize people are emotional creatures.
If you "hurt" them emotionally you are giving them a reason to lie to you and manipulate you.
People will associate their relationship emotions with anything in the relationship, including finances.
Like

if he showed up today with a good chunk his remaining balance, I would be happy with that.

He pays you money, your response is happiness.
What do you think of people that go out and pay women to make them happy?

Also, if he fails to do so then he hurts you personally.
Which makes you feel worse? You forgetting to pay your Visa bill on time? Or your mom giving you her heart medication as a loan and you not paying it back when she needs new pills?
Which bothers you more emotionally? The Visa collectors calling? Or your mom calling crying?

The more you hammer him with "I need money. I need you to pay this bill," putting responsibilities onto him he can't fulfill is going to hurt him worse emotionally creating an ever increasing downward spiral in his behavior.
It puts you in a position of power over him. Financially and emotionally.
IOW you start to become his mom. That dynamic leads him to devolve from being a 30 year old guy (or whatever his age) down to a 4 year old boy that acts out (assuming your relationship lasts that long).


.If he doesn't have the money today as he promises, how should I approach it?

Accept it as you are basically his wife and maintaining a home together (not just a house, a home, yours and his, unless you want him to be a roommate).
Otherwise realize it will just get worse and kill the relationship.
Or change the relationship to him being a roommate with contracts and legal responsibilities.
Or get rid of him.

One thing you could "try" is complete financial disclosure, although it would be an ultimatum.
You show him all of your income, all of your bills, and all of your accounts.
Then require him to show his, where he gets all his money from, what he has.
And then you work together to determine a realistic budget.

If either of you aren't willing to provide full financial disclosure then you should not be living together as more than roommates, or boyfriend/girlfriend as you don't really trust each other.

So

Should I try to get him to change how he's doing business?

You should try to remain consistent on how you see the relationship and what you expect from him.
The way you are doing it now is going to do nothing but cause stress and anxiety in him.
People hate stress and anxiety and will work against you when you do that to them.
You may "change how he's doing business" but he will come to resent you for it, and eventually run away from you (or stick around and start treating you like crap)...just like a teen and his mom.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 35
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Boyfriend moved in...
Posted: 4/20/2013 5:08:59 PM
You thought it was ok because your friends said it was ok? Oh my-I got nothin...
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