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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Harsh Reality of Dating these days.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 1
Harsh Reality of Dating these days. Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
There is a harsh reality my counselor brought to my attention yesterday. He had been hinting at it for months. However, when I gave him the POF forums website, he said he was stunned at how angry and bitter towards each other we were. It was like he said that we were just blaming each other for personal things. So his harsh reality to me you might ask? Well he said, you are single because of you, not anyone else. I didn’t get it at first, but I had known all along he was right.
The truth that most people don’t want to admit to ourselves is that we are single because of who we are. It is not some woman’s fault that they don’t like me for their own reasons. Also, I have my own preferences too that limits my choices of a mate. So all in all, it is because of ME that I am single. I can no more change who I am for a woman as they could change for me. Women don’t like me because of my height, weight, color, attitude, sense of humor, religious background, transportation, job, location, eating habits, exercise regimen, parental status, work habits, & a host of other things. He went on to list about 20 things making me feel awesome at the end. (Sarcasm) We are all judged by those factors to the gender that we want in our lives. I can no more blame a woman for saying I am not interested in you because of {insert reason here} than I can be for being {use that same reason}.

It also goes back to what we want. My counselor noted that I tend to sway my attraction to someone intelligent, savvy, and engaging. So that is MY limitation. Are there women that don’t fit that bill? Yes, and I probably would have a harder time being fully attracted to them on a deeper level. So the harsh reality is that I COULD date someone that didn’t fit my criteria, but of course I haven’t done that as I would have left POF months ago.

If we REALLY wanted to, we could date the first person who contacts us here because you have one thing in common. You are both single. However, we look at a picture, read a few words and then make snap judgments on those things. When we do contact each other, we are judged the same way. No wonder why some of us are bitter because we do make contact and then we are judged “unworthy” by someone who doesn’t want to get to know us. Cause we are all awesome right? (more sarcasm)

The point to all of this is that in dating, there is a harsh reality that no one may want us because of who we are. That goes true to the fact that may not click with some people because of who they are. So instead of being all upset about it, just go with the flow. Don’t finger point at each other because the harsh reality is that WE are the reason we are single.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 8:00:48 AM
That has always been the harsh reality and has nothing to do with "these days."
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 3
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 8:20:14 AM
Online dating is merely an amplified version of what you may come across at the bar, speed dating, and through social interactions and such x's 100.

If you can't take rejection/ being ignored by 50 or so ppl in a condensed manner of time, then online dating isn't for you.

Tis better to stick to the bars and real life where rejection takes place one person at a time

 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 4
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 8:30:16 AM
If I accepted the first thing that came along on a dating site I'd have herpes and be with a manipulative cheat, because that is who first contacted me. Fortunately, I used my "pickiness" to say no thanks and ran for the hills.

I don't think protecting yourself is harsh. Having standards and boundaries is necessary. Otherwise I would have just gone along with the alcoholic, the drug addict, the married guy and the men I felt no chemistry for.

And before someone goes for my throat that I "picked" these men, these are things I discovered either on the first date or shortly after getting to know them. Most of the insane crap is revealed after the first date, although in some cases I learned that night! Unless they spill everything to you over the phone or in an e-mail, they usually bring out the dealbreakers once they think they "have you."

And....this is why I am still single. Do any of the traits above sound appetizing? There's alot of these problems out there. Along with others I have found that I decided not to get involved with..heavy debt, living with parents at the age of 45..no car, no job.

I absolutely am happier being single than settling for a pile of problems I myself managed to avoid during my lifetime.

Trust me, you can feel even more alone being with the wrong person.

As far as the forum and the attitude of people here, that I agree with totally. But then, try reading any "comments" section of a newspaper or blog..or forum..people all over the net take advantage of the anonymity and verbally assault people in a way they would NEVER do face to face. It's a free for all for rude, anti social, immature and thoughtless behavior.

Interesting to see what happens when you remove social filters. All the anger and frustration comes pouring out.

Yes, the amount of bitterness here is intense.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 5
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 8:49:30 AM
I gave him the POF forums website, he said he was stunned at how angry and bitter towards each other we were. It was like he said that we were just blaming each other for personal things.

That's there, but in any forum of debate you'll find that (see Washington DC; Fox & Msnbc). You can go into the religious debate in the other section of the forum and find that, too. Girl-guy situations, like politics, religion, and sports -- is an arena for debate. Gotta keep that in mind. :)

Plus, there are a number of people on the forums aren't single. They may be seeing someone and have their profile hidden from searches, be in a Relationship, and few even married. So being single isn't the common denominator for arguing at all.

You also have people posting dating stories where they unknowingly dropped the ball, and responders will be overly harsh in their critique.

So instead of being all upset about it, just go with the flow. Don’t finger point at each other because the harsh reality is that WE are the reason we are single.

You say single as if it's a bad thing (and again, not everyone's single on here). Is that the view of the counselor? That it's like not having a job and living off unemployment? :) I would wholeheartedly disagree with that.

Some people can be bitter about dating or the opposite sex, yeah. But also -- some people are going to be passionate about a topic they're talking about when they're not bitter about the opposite-sex at all... or on a topic in response to those who are bitter about the opposite sex. I don't think those should be blended in, as on a topic like Friends First or Coupons/Paying, etc -- isn't going to change when they're not single. Again, you can find arguing and such on ESPN forums about college football playoffs and other places with religion & politics!
 UFCRocks_1969
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 6
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 9:27:38 AM
You're 43 years old and you need someone else to tell you this? You can only change yourself. Nothing harsh about reality. The problem is people are too uptight and too seriously. What happened to take it easy and actually enjoy meeting people?
 Misguided_Old_Mule
Joined: 4/19/2013
Msg: 7
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 9:40:10 AM

It also goes back to what we want. My counselor noted that I tend to sway my attraction to someone intelligent, savvy, and engaging. So that is MY limitation.
Yes, while most others gravitate to the repellent, ignorant, and dumb.
I haven't actually seen this 'angry and bitter' too much on here...
Funny, I see it in almost every thread, including the camouflaged version in this OP. Maybe it's these pesky poop-colored glasses.
 FletisHumplebacker
Joined: 2/8/2013
Msg: 8
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 9:47:31 AM
So if you are single, you have simply failed at being a human being. Good to know.

Shrinks and counselors make good money because you already know the answers.
 spilling_fire
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 9
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 9:53:02 AM
We make these exact same snap judgments in person too.
Being single isn't a punishment or some place that we've been banished.
It just means we're dating, meeting people, and looking for the one person that fits into our crazy world and vice versa. I've seen some bitterness from a lot of posters in the forums...men that have been burned by horrible women lash out here. Women that have been burned by horrible men also lash out here. Guess what, most people that get hurt generally lash out. It's just a fact of life and has nothing to do with pof or online dating. Tis human nature.

The whole "you are single because of you" is partly true and partly bs.
And why does "single" still sound like it's the worst thing one could possibly imagine?
The single people are single because they haven't found a match. It really is that simple.
We could go on and on about flaws and things one can change in order to get better dating results.
The fact of the matter is that we're all flawed and we're searching for someone that can accept those flaws in addition to all of the great attributes we do have.
Getting all dramatic about being single, being burned, and how it's all our fault that we're single just seems like a perfectly good waste of energy.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 10
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 11:06:42 AM
quote] Reality is all about perception, nothing else. If you believe reality is harsh, then harsh it will be and feel, and vice versa. You have to learn to feel happy within yourself and accomplished with your own life. Why is it that a child in Africa will have a bigger smile on his face with a cold fresh drink of water and a small but decent meal than someone sitting in an "all you can eat" restaurant with a face as long as a wet weekend?

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do". Dale Carnegie

Keep going, you'll get there in the end, just make sure you know where there is lol. ;)

The harsh reality is not what you think I am getting at. I am very happy with my life and want someone to share that with me. However, some people here don't want to see themselves as the problem. They want to blame online dating, the other gender, and everything other than themselves. When I saw my limitations, I learned to adjust to them and work to resolve them on my own. However the catch is that no matter what I do to improve. There are still going to be women that will say no thanks. That is the reality I was getting at. That the person you are may NOT be what people are looking for so you had better get real with yourself or be miserable.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 11
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 11:13:02 AM

You're 43 years old and you need someone else to tell you this? You can only change yourself. Nothing harsh about reality. The problem is people are too uptight and too seriously. What happened to take it easy and actually enjoy meeting people?


I am 43 years old and I am telling people on here this. I have known this for awhile. The problem is that there are people who get wrapped up in saying "why can't I get a date or why doesn't ex person write me back." Sorry for them, but to be honest maybe it is them. I know what my limitations are. I am happy with me, but after a horrible marriage, I needed to deal with the pain. So I went to counseling.

So I am 43 years old and still learning. How about you?
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 12
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 11:20:01 AM

So if you are single, you have simply failed at being a human being. Good to know.


No one said that you are a failure. You may not be what someone wants. That doesn't make you a failure. I have a successful job, my own home, and cars. I don't feel like a failure, but I know my limitations and what I will accept in a spouse. So instead of being angry at women, I just accept me for what I am. I try to improve what I can and live a good life.




Shrinks and counselors make good money because you already know the answers.


Yes, but are you man enough to tell yourself that truth and mean it? Can you say I am not good dating material because of {insert flaws} You are right about one thing. You may already know the answers, but are you willing to face them and correct yourself. Before you answer, be honest with yourself.
 theanswerguy2
Joined: 4/3/2013
Msg: 13
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 11:28:39 AM

However, we look at a picture, read a few words and then make snap judgments on those things.


This would not be a problem if most people were actually good at making snap judgments.
However, the reality is that they are not good at it because most people are not analytical by nature, and therefore their judging abilities are lacking.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 14
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 11:37:57 AM

My question is this though, why are you paying any attention to these people to the point of letting it bring you down in the first place? Just ignore them.:


I'm not, but at the counselor office he was saying there are a lot of people on here that do. They get made at each other for their own choices. I would have been that way if it were not for me seeing that I needed to be a better person and see my own successes and failures. So he wanted me to post something about what I have learned. He is actually looking at the responses.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 15
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 12:13:06 PM
@simplecltman...

You're are correct...a few of us have... learned this lesson long ago!
Life is all about choices....I have tried to say this several times on here.
Sure....We can make mistakes....but owning up to your responsibility in a relationship that went "bad or wrong" is freedom....in my mind.

We all "chose" our relationships we are in...we chose to stay...we chose to marry...we chose to accept...we chose to cheat....all choices.
I am shocked and get quite belligerent... when I hear the excuses that are continually mentioned on here....the constant blaming on the opposite gender...never ends. The wallowing in self pity....only hurts yourself...imo.
I have made a cautious "choice"... that I am no longer going to get wrapped up in that kind of(same old) rhetoric...even though it's hard to stay out of it, sometimes....lol.

Just wanted to also add....You're a good man that seems to have his head on straight....refreshing on here.
There are quite a few....in fact. I know you will find what you are searching for..
Best of Luck!
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 16
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 12:18:45 PM
Any time you point a finger at another person, you still have three fingers pointing back at you. Being online and clicking on a mouse may make that visual a little harder to see, but it's still figuratively there. Anyone in here that loves to accuse other people of their sins but won't tolerate anyone pointing out their own is a hypocrite, plain and simple.

I know I'm not the only one in here that fell victim to an 'ambush' divorce (never saw it coming) - but that has NEVER given me carte blanche to accuse my Ex of everything that went wrong in our relationship. Relationships are a plural existence, and both parties have their roles - finding how to make it work, or recognizing why you can't - is the real test of your muster. Finding 100 new ways to figure out how the other person did it might get you creative points, but you're still a whining.

Admitting you have some control over your actions is a good first step -- finding out where those motivations come from is the next. Realizing you can change yourself as easily as you can change your mind is unbelievably empowering. Working on relationships CAN be a distraction, so always keep your eye on mastering yourself first - and then see what happens with a partner in the mix.
 Quasimodo11543
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 17
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 12:34:11 PM
There are bitter and angry people in these forums? SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!!!!!!
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 18
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 12:59:13 PM

that in dating, there is a harsh reality that no one may want us because of who we are.


Yeah???? My Daddy warned me about this apparent "problem" but, he also told me it's only a "problem" if you see it as such. I personally don't, and never have. I'm not here for the majority to "like" me. Though, part of this "dating" horse ca ca is to "attract". I could do and change many things about myself to "attract" more people. I look around though and reality smacks me right outta that nightmare.


So I am 43 years old and still learning. How about you?


Still learning but, again, my Daddy pointed out that most of the time the "process" of actually getting to the "answer" is much better than to be "given" the "answer". One of my biggest problems with counselling(in general) is that many of the "professionals" out there "give" the "answers" out instead of "getting" them out. Would you not have felt a little better of yourself if you "found" this little bit of "reality" of which you speak OP all by yourself, instead of it being pointed out to you?????

"You attract what you attract" has been said and shown for a long while now. Some fems get the "players" or the "bad boys". Some guys get the psycho biatches and wingnuts. And then, some don't.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 19
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 1:17:27 PM
It's interesting that this "counselor" is busy looking at our profiles, answers, and then is so good as to diagnose us without even so much as meeting us and knowing anything about any of us. Doesn't he have anything else better to do? Are you paying him for his time while he does this research? I find this unprofessional, unfair, unethical, and downright rude. He recommends that you post something, and then actually looks at the responses? What's he doing...writing a book?
I'm sure you'll show this answer to him...tell him I said hello, and that dating has always been rough...gee, ya think?Harsh reality!!!
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 20
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 1:20:44 PM
I'm having a hard time just finding my equal. I try to stay within my level of attractiveness, education etc. It just seems that my male counterparts have many more options than I have. If I look for a man who is on my level as it relates to most things: educated, homeowner, attractive, luxury car, etc. he has a plethora of women with whom he could choose from. I however, would have to lower my criteria. And I'm not looking for anymore than what I bring to the table, but I certainly don't want less either


We all have our own perception of what is our equal and if that perception is not shared by others then we may have a hard time finding our equal.

Since there are generally more men searching for women on a dating site than the other way around and on average men have a similar ( if not higher ) level of education, homeownership, material wealth etc to women I would suggest that there is something amiss in what you view as your level of attractivness if you cannot find your equal.

Personally I have never had a relationship with someone who has more material wealth or education than I have ( I am not particularily wealthy or well educated ) and I don't think this is all that uncommon of an experience with men - whether they were more physically attractive than I am would be in the eyes of the beholder - in my eyes they certainly were.
 monocryl
Joined: 3/4/2013
Msg: 21
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 1:42:07 PM
In a recent conversation a man told me he believes we are meant to spend our life with another person, we are not meant to be alone. I think this is true of some people and not others. There are people who are single by nature (very introverted or very independent or some kind of "strange"): it is their default setting. But this does not mean they too can't find companionship and affection and some form of relationship, even if it's not a traditional one. It just takes more effort for them.

I do agree that the reason we're single is ourselves, but I don't agree that it's a problem. It's always a choice we've made, even if the choice is nothing more than saying no to a mediocre an ill-fitting relationship.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 22
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 1:47:20 PM
. But I love how quick folks are on here to insinuate that another's looks are not up to par...especially when no pic has been provided. LOL


The only way we could make that judgement would be if you were to post good full body pics of yourself along with those of the men who you feel are your equal but you say are rejecting you.

Flower Bomb you list your profession as a Lawyer and your education level as High School that doesn't add up - are you telling us there are very no men interested in you who have graduated high school or that you can be a lawyer without a post secondary education? You also list your body type as undisclosed - that is usually not an indication that you are average, thin or athletic - do you consider men with an undisclosed body type ( a few extra pounds or more ) to be your equal?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 2:10:59 PM
If you're trying to date your equal, why do you go on dates with guys that are not up to your standards?

You have to say no to the ones you don't want to attract the ones you do want.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 24
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 2:36:16 PM
Some people are confined by their own inadequacies. Some are STILL trapped by the inadequacies placed on them by past relationships.

Instead of worrying about finding a 'match' or an 'equal' in terms of status or statistics, what you should ALL be looking for is someone you can communicate with comfortably. If you can talk to each other as equals, it makes no never mind what level of income or race or accent or ANYTHING you came from.

'Getting' each other means everything to a relationship, and getting ALONG with each other is what keeps it going.

Searching for commonalities may feel more comfortable to you, but the stuff that successful couples have in common is often NEVER what they planned or expected them to be. Start looking outside the box. Usually you don't have to look very far, either. A black woman from inner-city Chicago may not have much in common with a Scandinavian Lumberjack from Nova Scotia - but hey, stranger matches HAVE happened.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 25
Harsh Reality of Dating these days.
Posted: 4/23/2013 2:45:26 PM

So all in all, it is because of ME that I am single.


Counselors like us to blame ourselves; it's their bread and butter. If we were all well adjusted, how would they make a living?


The point to all of this is that in dating, there is a harsh reality that no one may want us because of who we are.


That's real comforting; I feel like I have been wrapped up in a warm fuzzy blanket.................... and then thrown into the river.



No, people remain single because of what they do NOT do to improve themselves ! Those things that ARE within their power to improve!!


Just who defines these "improvements"??? What mold are we supposed to pour ourselves into? I am quite fine with who I am (except that I would like to lose some weight - the meds I take make that difficult). Even when I was thinner and more athletic, I still got very little interest from women. But I am not going to change who I am to fit some ideal of someone else.
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