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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends      Home login  
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 80sBaaaybeee
Joined: 3/16/2012
Msg: 1
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friendsPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I recently started dating a wonderful man. We hit it off right away and became exclusive. We had an amazing connection and he said he was crazy about me and I about him. I was falling in love with him and as he was telling me that he was taking his ex girlfriend back, he admitted that he was falling in love with me too. On the first date, he told me his girlfriend of 4 years had moved to another state to be near her son for school and there was no chance of them ever getting back together because she was there and he was here. Also that they had talked of marrying but that she didn't want to marry until her children were out of high school so she wouldn't have to change her name. Since keeping her own name was so important to her for her children's sake even though it was important to him that she take his name. I told him that no woman who really wanted to be with him or marry him would use such an excuse or move away if everything was ok. He said that their relationship was good except for those things. So he waited 4 months after she left to put up a profile and start dating. He met me during the first 2-3 days of having his profile up. We became exclusive right away and started a sexual relationship. A week later he said that although they had not been in touch at all that she had called him and wanted to move back because she missed him and that it was just something he had to do even though it was very hard for him and he was unhappy about it because he was falling in love with me. And he wants to remain friends and stay in touch. I asked him what good could come of that. I want to make this decision based on what's best for me. It will kill me inside to not be in contact, but I think it will kill me more to be "friends" and know he chose her over me. I want to tell him not to contact me again so I can move on but I don't want to move on. The whole thing sucks. I know he wants a parachute but I can't stick around waiting in case he needs to bail out. Should I remain his friend? I think it would be healthiest but hardest in the short run to cut contact. However, in the long run it would probably serve me better.

What do y'all think about remaining friends after being dumped for the ex? And what do you think about a woman who says she loves a man but refuses to take his name even though that's a criteria for marrying, as well as the fact that she moved away to be near her child, even though supposedly she loved him. I call absolute BS on that.

Input welcome.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 2
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:12:46 AM
A man insisting I take his name as a condition of marriage would be a deal-breaker for me. No man who truly understands equality would insist on it--so it would be evidence of something I am not interested in tying myself to. There are too many good men out there who get it and are not emasculated because a woman has her own indentity.

But a man who goes back to an ex and wants to remain friends with a woman he has said he is falling in love with? That's just cruel toward you. Regardless of how much he enjoys your company, etc., he should know that he made the decision to part ways and he is no longer entitled to benefit from the awesomeness that is you. For your sake, you say no to an offer of friendship. If the time comes that you can truly think about him without pain, and are truly in no danger of falling for him again, then maybe you can initiate friendship. But it is your decision, not his, and you need to be kind to yourself.
 CaptainTeebs
Joined: 11/10/2012
Msg: 3
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:12:53 AM

What do y'all think about remaining friends after being dumped for the ex?


All that means is he would like to remain on friendly terms; If he bumps into you at the supermarket, you wont turn into a psycho and lob canned goods at him.
He doesn't want to have you come over for barbecue and watching NFL.
You don't have to stay in touch, it isn't really what he wants, it isn't what you need.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 4
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:20:42 AM
This is actually pretty common behavior with some guys. They want it all. Because who knows, if it doesn't work out with her (again) you're always there in the background, right?

I also agree with the "ex stalker/psycho" thing! Just extra insurance on his part!


Also, this guy is a total puss. He's "not happy" about moving back with his GF but he does it anyway? WHAT is that.

Plus, who cares what her story is. That is the least of the issues here.

All you need to focus on is YOUR role in this.


How fast did you become exclusive and start having sex? Sound like pretty quickly, before you really even got to see what was going on. He was never really over her. You were a band aid, until a better option came up. His heart is still attached to her. You may not understand why because you have spent alot of time trying to see the negative in her..which as I said she does not matter. Don't waste another second dissecting how screwed up she is and how you are a million times better. Maybe you are. But his heart is elsewhere. So many of us (me included) have been used as a back up, a temporary band aid, a refuge. Then it dawns on us that the person was never really over their ex, and is with us as they try to clear their own heads, boost up their ego, wait it out, or for revenge.

Four months after breaking up with someone is nothing. And the first person he contacts he's sleeping with. Think about it. This guy is rushing from one unresolved situation to something new, which now is in tatters. Think about what he is doing. Your annoyance with the GF is typical, but think about him. He's no saint, either.

He wants to keep you warming up in the bullpen. And yes, you SHOULD run. You should break all contact, forever, unless you want to continue to allow him to have all his options and you none. You will drive yourself up the wall analyzing this, hoping, checking to see if he has called, etc.

This is a CLASSIC case of having sex too soon and thinking this sort of thing is going to be THE relationship of your life. If only we knew what was going on in someone's head first. But wait! You can..if you hold off getting intimate and investing the most private part of yourself upfront, and becoming attached.

Do not return his calls or texts, remove him from FB if he's there, block block block. This is no good for you.

You are not an option.
 ImReadyForUnow
Joined: 11/11/2012
Msg: 5
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:22:32 AM
This is way too much drama!

Walk away and have no further connection with this guy.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 6
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History
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:23:23 AM
This sounds like a Jerry Springer episode, and that you're the played one. Don't be back up plan, second best, call you when I nothing better to do, rebound, booty call. Dump his sorry butt because you deserve better.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 7
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:24:28 AM

A week later he said that although they had not been in touch at all that she had called him and wanted to move back because she missed him.


So you started a sexual relationship with him immediately, and a week later he says he's going back to his ex. Why exactly would you consider being friend zoned when his ex shows up? Tell him if he wants to be friends, you want to meet his ex, tell her about the recent one week sexual fling, and see if he's still open to friendship. You are known in the industry as what's called the backup plan.
 80sBaaaybeee
Joined: 3/16/2012
Msg: 8
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:25:33 AM
_TALL_IQ2_ - Judgy much?

My profile said I wanted a relationship when we met and was hidden while we were exclusive. I changed my relationship status a day ago to "Wants to date but nothing serious" because right now I feel I need to be dating to take my mind off of all this. I'm trying to move forward. But I am not prepared to get serious and I think it wouldn't be healthy for me to do so at this time. I certainly DID want serious and was ecstatic when I thought I had found him. Now my heart is broken and my trust is low. I couldn't possibly seek a new relationship at this time. I'm not even sure I can date. But I have to try to move forward. .
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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History
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:26:26 AM
I'm reasonably confident that most of the answers you'll get, will be to exorcise this fellow from your life. I would agree with that, given all you've said here.

The way you describe him, sounds like a person who lets other people and events make up his mind for him, rather than making firm choices himself. He wasn't able to commit himself to his ex, because, essentially, her situation wasn't easy enough for him. When she returned, he couldn't make up his mind in either direction again, and switched back to letting her decide how things will go. If he'd up and decided at last to move to where she is, I could at least give him credit for decisiveness about love, albeit slow to brew up in his mind, but he didn't do that.

He isn't just asking you to remain "on call" as it were, he wants you to join him in his indecisiveness.

I do have to ask though: how would it be better for you in the long run, to wait on que for him?

As for what I think of a woman with a child by someone else who doesn't want to have yet another persons name tacked onto the end of hers, I find that both rational in and of itself, and possibly revealing as to how much confidence SHE has in this "wonderful man." From what you say here, it's only his CLAIM that she had the reasons he says she did, for the choices she made.

In total, I can see a plethora of reasons for you to let him go in every way out of your life, and no reason to retain him even as a platonic friend.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 10
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:43:21 AM
What do y'all think about remaining friends after being dumped for the ex?

It usually doesn't end well.


And what do you think about a woman who says she loves a man but refuses to take his name even though that's a criteria for marrying, as well as the fact that she moved away to be near her child, even though supposedly she loved him. I call absolute BS on that.

You can call whatever animal "s"you want. It makes no difference. Whether she didn't want to take his last name, or any other marriage-related task or moniker, it doesn't matter. She could be the devil incarnate. He went back to her. That's all the information you need.


I think it would be healthiest but hardest in the short run to cut contact. However, in the long run it would probably serve me better.

You are absolutely correct.


I changed my relationship status a day ago to "Wants to date but nothing serious" because right now I feel I need to be dating to take my mind off of all this. I'm trying to move forward

Please do not drag an unsuspecting man into the fray as your "therapy". It's not fair to them. Get over this one first, before you consider meeting other ones.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 11
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:50:35 AM
OP, you are over 40 and you actually have to ask what to do? The guy loves the other woman and he wants you around to stroke his ego. The second something goes wrong, he will come crying back to you and when you two have problems, he will go back to her or he will find another. The good thing is you are wanting to date again, keep that thought and don't look back. You only hurt you when you stay stuck in a situation with this guy. Don't allow him the power over you.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 12
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:53:42 AM
I told him that no woman who really wanted to be with him or marry him would use such an excuse or move away if everything was ok. He said that their relationship was good except for those things.

Huh uh...Don't eat that Elmer that's horseshit...lol.

A week later he said that although they had not been in touch at all that she had called him and wanted to move back because she missed him and that it was just something he had to do even though it was very hard for him and he was unhappy about it because he was falling in love with me. And he wants to remain friends and stay in touch.

You've only been dating for a WEEK...only!
Listen...I have met men like this guy...He will want to keep you on hold/reserve because he can...if you allow him. By your statement of above...when he gave you some story that didn't make sense...ting..ting...hear that "warning bell"????
You should have listened to your "gut" instinct!

Nope....not gonna work for me..once you toss me aside...I am not gonna be standing there like your pet dog, waiting for any guy to toss me a bone.
You know what?? With all he says in how much he cares about you...you will be replaced within days...if it's at all even "true" about an ex....sounds fishy to me...good story to use for a "backout" plan...imo.
Good Luck!
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 13
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:55:06 AM

And what do you think about a woman who says she loves a man but refuses to take his name even though that's a criteria for marrying


Who says it is a "criteria" for marrying? 100 years ago, maybe, but times have changed, and quite honestly I'd rather see a woman keep her own name than do the stupid hyphenated "Hi I'm Sue Maiden-Married" deal (or vice versa, but seriously, Smith-Wajowski or Wajowski-Smith, either way seems pretty silly - why change names at all?).

And really, why would/should you care? He doesn't want you, he wants her, and what she chooses to do in *their* relationship is really none of *your* business... him being ok with it (or not) is all that matters to *their* relationship.


I think it would be healthiest but hardest in the short run to cut contact.


Most definitely.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 14
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 10:28:13 AM

On the first date, he told me his girlfriend of 4 years had moved to another state to be near her son for school and there was no chance of them ever getting back together because she was there and he was here. Also that they had talked of marrying but that she didn't want to marry until her children were out of high school so she wouldn't have to change her name. Since keeping her own name was so important to her for her children's sake even though it was important to him that she take his name. ... He said that their relationship was good except for those things.

At least now you know that if you hear similar things again in future, the man is telling you loud and clear that he is not over his ex and will take her back in a heartbeat if that's what she wants. Listen to these things! He wanted to marry her. He didn't want this break-up. The only obstacles to them being married now were all on her side, from his point of view.

All that means is he would like to remain on friendly terms; If he bumps into you at the supermarket, you wont turn into a psycho and lob canned goods at him.
He doesn't want to have you come over for barbecue and watching NFL.
You don't have to stay in touch, it isn't really what he wants, it isn't what you need.

Concurred. This was just a short rebound for him - they tend to be intense. Neither of you is part of the other's life.

It hurts because you made an emotional investment, partly on its own and partly by getting physical with him. It's natural to want to justify that investment by thinking, hoping, it still might pay off in some way or other.

It won't. So don't keep putting more into it.

Because you felt a strong connection, it may be hard to get over this even though it was a brief involvement. Don't beat yourself up over that if it does turn out that way, just do all the usually recommended stuff to try to fill your head with new things that don't include him, mainly, keep yourself busy. Eventually it WILL pass.

There were some useful lessons here for future reference. Keep those; discard the rest.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 15
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He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 10:33:35 AM
I think if a man is so hooked on me changing my last name that he has more control issues than I care to have in my life. It's my name, I'll decide if I change it or not and just why can't he change his name to mine? Oh yeah, because someone said that this is how marriage works, okay, I have better things to do than be tied down to man with issues like that. The rant is because I'm just so sick & tired of this macho crap, if a woman doesn't want to change her name, so what, if your marriage hinges on that it's not going to work out when a real problem arises.

You barely know this guy and yet right away, oh you are both falling in love, I call BS on that. You are hoping to snag this man, whether or not you like him at all and it sounds like you don't much considering the way he's treated you. He latched on to the first willing woman who came along and then as soon as his ex might want him back, he dumped you, so take a good look, this is how much you mean to him. But oh hey, he might not make it with the preferred ex, so keep your booty call light on, he might show up to whine and do you. Lucky you!

You haven't even known this man long enough to be friends, you are just getting to know one another and hey look, there he is, in bed with the ex again, already, and who knows just how many times he's pulled this act, you don't know, because you don't know him. Why not just be sane and chalk this one up to a really embarrassing mistake and see if you can find someone who wants something closer to an actual relationship. What you are to him is someone he can have when what he really wants isn't available.

So what you need to figure out is, do you want a man so badly that you will be his booty call and hope she dumps him again, or do you want a good relationship, which will never be with this man? You are trying really hard to make her look awful so you can be the real woman he needs...take a good look, he doesn't see you that way at all and he wants her, not you. You can call BS on her all you want, if your ego needs that so badly, but it won't change the truth.
 brisco414
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 16
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 10:37:05 AM
Why on earth would you want to be friends with this man? Very ballsy of him to want to maintain a friendship after dumping you. Distance yourself and move on.
 OzzGirl22
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 17
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 10:39:57 AM
I see no purpose in you both remaining friends other than to cause you grief and let him keep you on the wings in case things do not work out with him and his no-longer-ex.

I was in something similar a few years ago. I tried to be "the bigger person" and stay friends while he did his thing. All it did was make me miserable. Eventually I completely cut him out of my life because it was never going to go anywhere.
And for me, having him in contact never left my heart truly free to pursue other relationships.

Move on and find a man that will make you a priority, not an option on the back burner. It will hurt at first but eventually your heart will heal and be stronger for it.

Good Luck Sweetheart!
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 18
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 10:46:15 AM
Are you serious??? Really????

Do you know the Golden Rule of Relationships???? If you don't it goes like this.........

Once you walk out the door and say you are finished, then you are. This rule applies to both parties and is nontransferrable. For if you were to "remain friends" with this aZZhole, you are setting yourself up for the constant on/off again crap, loads of drama, not to mention instability that can last for a long long time. This type of sh*t can erode your self esteem/worth and trust me.....it isn't worth it. In this case, he will always choose his "ex" over you no matter how great a person you are.

Basically, he views you as an option.....and option to come running back when things don't work out with his so called ex.

Remember......NEVER EVER make someone a priority who only views you as an option.

Need I say more here?????
 y0uandi
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 19
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 10:49:49 AM
I didn't read the whole thing only a few sentences and skimmed through the rest. Sounds like this guy is putting you on the back burner till he figures out his status with his ex. He's falling in love with you, but he's getting back together with his ex. Oh yeah. The broke up, he rebounded on you and got some action, now they're patching things ups.

Who cares if she didn't want to take his name. I think that is really irrelevant to any of this. The point is, that you're in love with this guy and you're trying to make up excuses for the whole situation.I wouldn't stay friends with a girl dumped me to go back to her ex but wanted to remain friends. Grow a back bone and go get yourself a real man. He just used you.
 WHITEROSEFOREVER
Joined: 3/18/2013
Msg: 20
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 11:47:17 AM
this is not wanting to be friends with you. he wants you to stay in contact with him so he has someone to screw around with whenever he has an urge or when he and his real girlfriend or having a bad day...she left him, he found you to fill in until she decided to come back...he does not love you, and if i was to make a guess, he doesn't love her much either..
telling you about the last name thing was just a ploy, so he could show you how awful he was treated by his girlfriend...he played you and you fell for it...
he is an piece of @#$%...cut all communication with him, or be prepared to be, his on the side screw..believe me that was, and is all you are to him.
 Space_Weaver
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 21
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 12:11:55 PM
This is why I prefer not to date someone who has been fresh out of a long-term relationship, or marriage because more often than not they are very confused on what they want, and in some cases only use a person to bide their time of loneliness.

I believe you have already answered your own question as he seems to only want you as his plan B if things go South. As far as remaining friends after he dumps you for his ex..........NO WAY! He disrespected you in making you believe that there was something special and then slams the door in your face. Like I said, this is disrespectful by putting you on an emotional rollercoaster and hurting your feelings. If this is the case, do yourself a favor, drop him in total and find someone who truly cares.

Best of luck, Silly Goose.
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 22
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 12:55:23 PM

Should I remain his friend?

You shouldn't call it "remain" as you aren't really friends now.
You said you were falling in love with him.
Assuming for the sake of argument that is true does that mean you can magically put up brand new untested or organically grown friend boundaries and be constantly vigilant to never crossing them, especially if he ever tries to push you past them?
If not, then no, you should not try to redefine your relationship with friend boundaries.


What do y'all think about remaining friends after being dumped for the ex?

I think I have better things to do with my time than play musical relationship label chairs.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 23
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He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 12:55:29 PM
I think nothing good can come of being friends with this guy, do you think his real GF will stand for it for very long? He has been stringing you along since day one and will continue to do so.
What is your biggest hope, that he will see the light and return to you? You deserve more than to be his second choice. Cut off all contact.
You need to assume that at least half of what he says is complete BS and the other half is just his side of the story.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 24
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 1:33:21 PM

Why on earth would you want to be friends with this man? Very ballsy of him to want to maintain a friendship after dumping you. Distance yourself and move on.


I don't think he had any intentions of remaining friends. How would that work? The happy couple having you over for dinner and drinks? Aha!! Maybe that is what he had in mind. a 3 some. I just can't see the ex going all in (That is what they call it in Texas, right?) in a continued relationship with the girl he was falling in love with while she was away. Would you? If it did happen it would probably end up being behind her back and I don't have to tell you where that would go.

A good question to ask yourself is if 1, 2, 3 months from now they didn't work out and he wanted you back would you take him back knowing what you know now? Answer that and you might find the closure you are looking for.

With regards to the last name issue. It wouldn't bother me one way or the other if she took my last name. My first wife practically told me that my last name was the only reason she was marrying me. There was a child involved and she liked my name and wanted us all to have the same last name. We were married for 4 months. She still has my last name today maybe 30 years later and she did remarry. Pretty weird. If my last name was Focker I imagine no one would want to take on that name if we got married. Would you blame them?
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 25
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 3:13:58 PM
^^^ I believe that's the call of the plays, and excellent advice. OP, why would you even consider being "friends" with this guy? You don't really know him and you haven't been around him long enough to even call him an "ex".
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