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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What's with this "Take Time To Heal" advice?      Home login  
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 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 1
What's with this "Take Time To Heal" advice?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
We hear it all the time. The wife left. The husband never came home. My girlfriend dumped me. I caught my boyfriend banging my best friend. And then the same advice: Take time to heal before you look for another partner.

If your house burnt down would people tell you to sleep on the street before you look for another place to live? If your car was stolen would people tell you to walk to work before you go out and get another car? If your boss dumped you (you got fired) would people tell you to go home and soul search?

Or would they tell you to get off your azz and find another job? Or get another car? Or find another place to live?

Some people thrive in relationships. They do not require the so-called “perfect” person any more than they require the perfect boss or the perfect apartment or the perfect car. Anyone who has been in a relationship for any length of time knows the butterflies disappear, yet, they search for the “flutters”. Meanwhile, they endure loneliness and depression and their mood affects their job and social life, at least to some degree. I ask, for what reason?

One frequent response is the person is trying to replace one individual with another. Yes, they are but that doesn’t mean they want someone exactly the same. It seems to me a person seeking a partner because they thrive in a relationship would make the best partner. They place a value on a relationship. It’s like who is going to make the best employee; the person who wants/needs a job or the person who doesn’t care one way or the other? Who is going to do more to ensure they maintain their position; the employee or the volunteer?

Opinions?
 tnt8
Joined: 4/22/2013
Msg: 2
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/3/2013 8:26:34 PM
In most cases after a breakup or divorce, people go through what's called a rebound period where their emotions are wounded from the previous heartbreak and they are not ready to love another deeply again. It does take time to heal - in many cases, years. In fact, in most cases, if the person does find a new person too soon, they often have a temporary rebound relationship where they end up dumping the person somewhere down the line out of the blue - because they never really love them deeply to begin with.

However, I would never tell a person to wait to date - finding a replacement as quickly as possible will help ease the pain.
 1971D
Joined: 10/7/2012
Msg: 3
view profile
History
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/3/2013 9:00:58 PM
Jumping right back into a relationship is like going running the day afer you break your leg. You are doing more damage, and it just plain hurts!
Emotions need time to rebalance themselves before they get thrown back in the dating ring.

People need time to reassess themselves and their goals before trying to find someone. Otherwise they are just trying to get a replacement for the hole in themselves. Until they find who they are at that point in their life, how they have grown and changed, they will never find someone right for the person they have become.

It is in no way like a job, car or other inanimate object. Hearts and emotions are much more complicated than that.

Of course, I don't expect someone cheating on their wife to fully understand true emotion.
 theanswerguy2
Joined: 4/3/2013
Msg: 4
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/3/2013 9:08:20 PM

go home and soul search?



Opinions?


Perhaps if people did more "soul searching" and introspection on a more regular basis, maybe they wouldn't go through so many devastating breakups to force them to do it.
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 5
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/3/2013 9:30:57 PM

What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?

IME it usually means "you are doing a bunch of stupid stuff. Stop and think. Make decisions when you aren't being a victim to your emotions."


If your house burnt down would people tell you to sleep on the street before you look for another place to live?

No. Not the street.
They would probably tell you to get some sleep before calling the insurance company (if it happened in the middle of the night, or if you were hysterical about your house) and that you can stay with them for awhile before you start looking for a new house though.


If your car was stolen would people tell you to walk to work before you go out and get another car?

No. But they'd probably try to get you to rent something before you just go off to craigslist and buy the first POS you see, or take time and deal with the insurance companies before you run out and spend all your money on a brand new car.


If your boss dumped you (you got fired) would people tell you to go home and soul search?

Actually, yes.
You should go home and soul search and figure out what you want to do, where you should focus your efforts.
If you just got fired as the JCPenney CEO maybe you shouldn't stop at McDonalds on the way home and get into a 2 year contract to immediately start working as the fry cook.


Or would they tell you to get off your azz and find another job? Or get another car? Or find another place to live?

I doubt it.
I doubt a conversation with your friends or family would be:
"Holy shit! I just watched my house burn down!"
"Stop whining and just go find a new place to live!"

"Holy moly! My car was just stolen! I just walked out of great clips and my car was gone!"
"Quitcher whining and just go buy a new one."

Holy Jesus! I just got fired! I am just leaving the building with my stuff!"
"You can come over here and listen to the worlds smallest violin, or just go out and find a job, what do you want to do baby?"


the butterflies disappear...they endure loneliness and depression and their mood affects their job and social life...I ask, for what reason?

Commitment, consistency, the fact that not all of life's decisions are handed to you on a platter in black and white occurring immediately and being fixed immediately, and if things can change for the "worse" they can they change for the "better" (IOW hope).


It seems to me a person seeking a partner because they thrive in a relationship would make the best partner.

IMO they would make the worst partner.
Simply because they seem to have a goal of how they want to behave. They want to "thrive." So they are really just looking for an object they can stick in the ground and hover around to make them thrive. They aren't really seeing their partner as an actual person. Just a means for themselves to "thrive."
In practical terms they then simply shop people to find the most immediate way to get to their desired emotional goal, and if anything "better" comes along later, that offers a higher feeling of "thriving" they'd simply jump ship to go chase after that, because it's about "thriving" more than anything.


They place a value on a relationship.

IMO it's more important to place value on the individual person (although a better way to say it would be it's more important to identify, understand, and respect how the other person values themselves) than the "relationship."
People should define the relationship, placing value on the relationship implies it defines the people in it.


It’s like who is going to make the best employee; the person who wants/needs a job or the person who doesn’t care one way or the other?

The person who wants/needs this job may be in no way qualified to do it.
I would hire someone who seemed to not care one way or the other if they got it, but had the qualifications to do it, before I would hire someone who really needed the job but had no ability to actually do it.
If you are going to say "I meant all things being equal! They're both equally qualified!" then it would depend on their compatibility. A person may want the job, but they may be a real a-hole. The person that doesn't care one way or another may be extremely personable and I may be able to work with them and get them to care, and actually have a desire to do so because they aren't an a-hole.
People aren't simply black and white one dimensional beings. You simply can't make "all things being equal" with people.

Other than that finding a romantic partner is different than finding an employee/employer.
As an employee/employer is not a relationship of equals, and one person is definitely an object for the other.
An employee is hired primarily and simply for what they can provide to the company. Except in nepotism. But then we start talking about dating your siblings.


Who is going to do more to ensure they maintain their position; the employee or the volunteer?

Depends on the actual compensation and how each values it, as well as a lot of other factors seeing as human beings aren't one dimensional things that can be boiled down to single variables.
I think a volunteer at the white house would do more to ensure they maintain their position in comparison to the employee at the XXX jack shack.

I think an employee at JPMorgan might not do much to maintain their position if they are burned out, or in danger of being charged with securities fraud, in comparison to an intern or volunteer at the same company that has a plan to use their experience towards furthering their career. Most especially if there is a chance for them to be kept on as an employee at the end of their volunteering or internship.

I think the volunteer that loves their job will do more than the employee that just kinda likes or exists in their job.
I think it might be close to equal between the volunteer that loves their job vs. the employee that is terrified of being fired. But I think the person that is terrified is going to make far more mistakes compared to the person that loves the job.
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 6
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/4/2013 10:31:14 AM

What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?....Opinions?


Without taking the time to access any failure, you are without the understanding of what went wrong, why it went wrong, your part in the failure and therefore, you are without the ability to understand better in order to do better.


If your house burnt down would people tell you to sleep on the street before you look for another place to live? If your car was stolen would people tell you to walk to work before you go out and get another car? If your boss dumped you (you got fired) would people tell you to go home and soul search?


A place to live, a vehicle (depending on where you live) and a job, are necessities for most of us. A fundamental requirement. A relationship is not.

Finding a new job, new car, new place to live might well be things that can be undertaken in a rush but there would be the understanding that any of these things might have to be very temporary. The new place to live/means of transport/job might not be ideal but instead a 'make do' situation for the short term, until a better option came up. Relationships aren't normally sought on a temporary/make do basis.

As an example - if you worked in retail and always had and lost your job, it might well be easier to seek another position in that field because you have experience and because they are readily available. But if you lost that job in retail because you don't like customers, retail hours, often low pay, then without assessing that and understanding that, you don't understand you aren't suited to that type of employment and therefore you can't take the steps to figure out what would be better. In accepting constantly what doesn't work for you, the outcome is never going to change. You aren't going to find a retail company in which you suddenly enjoy your employment. Taking the job just because you think it's the only option you have rather than investing the time to figure out real options, is only ever going to be a temporary stop gap until you are unhappy and looking again. Same with relationships. If you constantly accept a partner because that's all you think is available to you, without understanding yourself, your needs, your strength and what you can offer as the person you currently are, you are only ever going to end up with a temporary partner.


Some people thrive in relationships.


Yes. Those will be the people who have found someone they can thrive with. It's not just the fact they have a SO which makes them thrive but the compatibility of the person they are with.


They do not require the so-called “perfect” person any more than they require the perfect boss or the perfect apartment or the perfect car. Anyone who has been in a relationship for any length of time knows the butterflies disappear, yet, they search for the “flutters”. Meanwhile, they endure loneliness and depression and their mood affects their job and social life, at least to some degree. I ask, for what reason?


I don't think most people expect or require perfect. Perfect people don't exist and most of us understand that. I also don't think most people who are single are enduring loneliness or depression. Those who understand who they are,
who have learned from past relationships what is and what isn't important to them in a partner, who understand that life happens and no situation is ideal are quite content being single until the right person for them shows up. They don't feel compelled to grab at anyone who shows an interest but instead consider the compatibility of that person and the connection they share. Those who aren't defined by being a couple, will choose more selectively and with a greater ability to wait for the right partner rather than trying to make a wrong partner fit where they don't.


Yes, they are but that doesn’t mean they want someone exactly the same. It seems to me a person seeking a partner because they thrive in a relationship would make the best partner.


Looking for someone exactly the same is a mistake because no two people are exactly the same. That's why people are referred to as individuals. Although there might be common personality traits, no two people will share the same mix of them as another. Likewise, looking for someone who seems like a past partner, is only wise if the compatible traits of the old and new, are the elements which work well with yourself.

If your ex was a liar and a cheat, for most, those are two elements of their personality most would seek to avoid. If your ex was affectionate and that matters to you, then that's an aspect you might hope for in a new partner. Until to step back, understand what went wrong historically, why it went wrong, understand your part, you are not able to break down the parts you would like to avoid, the parts which clash with yourself, or the parts which matter to you to find again.

Seeking someone just because you need a partner to thrive, is the worst position to be in. It places an immediate demand on someone new and you are more likely to choose poorly.


It’s like who is going to make the best employee; the person who wants/needs a job or the person who doesn’t care one way or the other? Who is going to do more to ensure they maintain their position; the employee or the volunteer?


The volunteer is there because the position means more to them then just the financial reimbursement. The employee is there because they require the exchange in funds to live. The volunteer is in position with the objective of giving. The employee is there with the objective of taking.

So IMO, the volunteer is the better choice. They are there solely because they want to be there. They find the time to give because it matters to them. They are invested in the outcome enough to give their time to it without the expectation of anything in return. And they are giving unconditionally.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 7
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/4/2013 11:20:58 AM
Well obviously it isn't going to make any sense to someone whose solution to marital dissatisfaction is cheating.

Some of us like to be fair to those with whom we may become involved, and thus will refrain if we are aware that we are still not over something, so that we do not inadvertently hurt them should they want more than we're ready to offer, or hurt them and ourselves both by projecting fears related to the last person on to them. That's what it's about. You will not understand this.
 y0uandi
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 8
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/4/2013 11:24:25 AM
It means suck it up princess, lick your wounds for a while and get on with it.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 9
view profile
History
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/4/2013 11:36:03 AM
That advice only pertains to people whose emotions get involved in relationships. For people who think that partners are like cars and houses and can easily be replaced with newer models, this does not apply.

So, don't worry about it, OP.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 10
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/4/2013 11:47:03 AM

What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?


That's good advice, you don't want to get into another relationship for the wrong reasons. Perhaps looking for what you saw in your partner, or dating again just because it hurts to lose someone. I think a bad breakup has the potential to cloud your judgement when diving back in too soon. Plus if you still have strong feelings left over for the one you broke up with that's no good for someone you might date.

I know from experience that the first thing I wanted to do to stop the hurt of my last relationship was to get into another one. I created my POF account 2 weeks after the breakup, looked around for a bit, but I decided to hide my profile from being searchable a few days after creating it. I wasn't near ready, but I did find these forums and get some help and advice with the separation at the very least.

I was only in the relationship for a year but had very strong feelings for her. At this point it's been a little over 2 months since the breakup, and Im still debating on whether or not to look. I think I will here soon because I know the ex was no good for me at this point, but there's still a little hesitation. Perhaps I'll create a forum of my own on this in regards to my relationship.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 11
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/4/2013 11:58:10 AM

Some people thrive in Relationships


The idea that some people thrive in a relationship is fine though, some people are built for it, but for those like myself who fit this description it's important to be in a good place and have good judgement before you jump back in. Wait a little while and make smart decisions. Personally if I put the effort in that I did the last time around I'm going to make sure my partner actually appreciates me, and that we are more compatible. That's what I learned coming out of the last one.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 12
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/4/2013 12:08:27 PM
Just found out your married, I'm sure you have feelings for the wife hopefully, sounds like your looking for someone on the side.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 13
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/4/2013 6:25:26 PM

(Msg. #4. 1971D) People need time to reassess themselves and their goals before trying to find someone. Otherwise they are just trying to get a replacement for the hole in themselves. Until they find who they are at that point in their life, how they have grown and changed, they will never find someone right for the person they have become.


That sounds like the person was asleep all the time they were in the relationship. It’s like the advice given that a person should evaluate what went wrong. I can understand if their partner just disappeared one day but don’t the majority of relationships deteriorate before they end? Even those that don’t all it takes is asking ones partner what happened. They probably know.

If, as you say, the person has grown and changed that must have caused problems in the relationship before it ended so wouldn’t one know the cause? If one is unhappy in a relationship, unless they have psychological problems, why would they not be aware of the problem?


Of course, I don't expect someone cheating on their wife to fully understand true emotion.


I certainly don’t understand illogical emotion. When one is told there is a problem and the partner does nothing to address it and then say, “What happened?” don’t they know what happened? When I’ve been in relationships that ended I usually had a good idea why they ended. I might not have agreed/understood the reasoning/solution but I was aware of why they ended. In any case I don’t see casual dating as getting into a relationship.

It has been said it takes months, if not years, to get to know someone so why isn’t that time used to sort out emotional problems while dating? I’m assuming the regular, run of the mill emotions people go through when a relationship ends. When my first marriage ended I started dating two weeks later. Sure, I had emotions to deal with but a pleasant Saturday night date didn’t interfere in my ability to do so. Quite the contrary. It helped put it all in perspective. I wasn’t an ogre condemned to a life of loneliness and misery.

I often wonder if those who claim to be suffering emotionally really did try to save the relationship. How many allowed their own stubbornness and unwillingness to change result in the relationship ending?


(Msg. #5. Theanswerguy2) Perhaps if people did more "soul searching" and introspection on a more regular basis, maybe they wouldn't go through so many devastating breakups to force them to do it.


Exactly!!


(Msg. #9. HelenBackAgain) Some of us like to be fair to those with whom we may become involved, and thus will refrain if we are aware that we are still not over something, so that we do not inadvertently hurt them should they want more than we're ready to offer, or hurt them and ourselves both by projecting fears related to the last person on to them. That's what it's about. You will not understand this.


If one is aware all they have to do is say so. “My husband always did ‘this’ and it pissed me off.” Or, “my wife always did ‘that’ and it drove me crazy!” I recall one gal I dated many years ago who had recently split with her husband. She told me she still hadn’t completely got over it and I told her that’s not a problem. “I’m not going to ask you for a commitment tomorrow and if I do something that pushes one of your buttons please say so”, I told her. “I’ll understand.” I got a full 10 points for empathy and understanding along with some of the best nights I can remember. No one has to go through it alone or deliberately isolate themselves from the opposite sex. If anything, that is the critical time a member of the opposite sex is needed.


(Msg. #11. LilliMarleen) That advice only pertains to people whose emotions get involved in relationships. For people who think that partners are like cars and houses and can easily be replaced with newer models, this does not apply.


I can understand if there was a death but what, exactly, is the person pining for? They miss having a partner who dumped them? Or, in some cases it’s even more absurd and the one who left is the one having difficulty with their emotions. Again, in most cases the relationship had deteriorated to the point one or the other made a decision so what are they missing?

From what I have observed the person mourning a relationship feels lonely, deserted, abandoned. It’s illogical to advise that individual to avoid other members of the opposite sex. Why deny themselves the very thing they are mourning the loss of? If one explains to a potential partner they are having difficulty coming to terms with the loss maybe they can both help and comfort each other.


(Msg. #14. Michael7482) Just found out your married, I'm sure you have feelings for the wife hopefully, sounds like your looking for someone on the side.


Yes, I love my wife. Unfortunately, she has lost sexual feelings due to menopause/hormonal imbalance which has been an ongoing 5 year problem. I have found someone on the side but I want to be clear my wife and I are not having sex so it’s not a case of having my cake and eating it too as others have defined it. It’s my last ditch effort to save the marriage.

After having discussed it and trying to find solutions I noticed resentment was creeping into the marriage. On my part due to the lack of intimacy and on my wife’s part due to my continually requesting it. There was only one solution left. If I found the intimacy I required both problems would be solved.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 14
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/4/2013 8:28:00 PM


(Msg. #14. Michael7482) Just found out your married, I'm sure you have feelings for the wife hopefully, sounds like your looking for someone on the side.



Yes, I love my wife. Unfortunately, she has lost sexual feelings due to menopause/hormonal imbalance which has been an ongoing 5 year problem. I have found someone on the side but I want to be clear my wife and I are not having sex so it’s not a case of having my cake and eating it too as others have defined it. It’s my last ditch effort to save the marriage.

After having discussed it and trying to find solutions I noticed resentment was creeping into the marriage. On my part due to the lack of intimacy and on my wife’s part due to my continually requesting it. There was only one solution left. If I found the intimacy I required both problems would be solved.


That is having your cake and eating it too. So your not having sex with your wife? Your still getting something on the side by seeing someone else to fulfill your intimacy needs.

For better or worse remember?

Unless you don't believe in monogamy which seems to be the case.
 hotmerlot
Joined: 4/26/2013
Msg: 15
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/6/2013 6:53:43 PM
When your wife finds out that you are on 'hole patrol', she may very well burn down the house and take your car and replace you with a more suitable romantic partner to ease her through her depression.

Let us know how this works out for you.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 16
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/6/2013 8:22:29 PM

If your house burnt down would people tell you to sleep on the street before you look for another place to live? Or would they tell you to get off your azz and find another job?

Shelter is a need, and doesn't involve the life and well being of another person. Relationships are not a need.

If your car was stolen would people tell you to walk to work before you go out and get another car?

A job is a necessity for most to live from, therefore transportation to that job is a need and doesn't involve the life and well being of another person. A relationship is not a need.

If your boss dumped you (you got fired) would people tell you to go home and soul search?

Actually, in this case soul searching is a part of the process - however again, a job is a need and doesn't involve the life and well being of another person. A relationship is not.

Some people thrive in relationships. They do not require the so-called “perfect” person any more than they require the perfect boss or the perfect apartment or the perfect car. Anyone who has been in a relationship for any length of time knows the butterflies disappear, yet, they search for the “flutters”. Meanwhile, they endure loneliness and depression and their mood affects their job and social life, at least to some degree. I ask, for what reason?

Because one doesn't need a relationship to survive. All emotional well being and mental stability should come from within, not from being with someone else. While it's nice to have someone else, it shouldn't be someone's job to make us happy.

One frequent response is the person is trying to replace one individual with another. Yes, they are but that doesn’t mean they want someone exactly the same. It seems to me a person seeking a partner because they thrive in a relationship would make the best partner. They place a value on a relationship. It’s like who is going to make the best employee; the person who wants/needs a job or the person who doesn’t care one way or the other? Who is going to do more to ensure they maintain their position; the employee or the volunteer?

Again, a job is a business transaction in which the employer and the employee benefit mostly in a financial context. While the workplace can be a great place, it becomes that way based on the need for the environment by both parties to pay bills...relationships aren't based on profit so much as added personal fulfillment, so the comparison isn't really accurate.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 17
view profile
History
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/6/2013 10:51:59 PM
StrayCat...that's unfair. He swore to me up and down that there was nobody else. He wouldn't do that to me because we live in such a small town and he has too much respect for me. She is just a friend; an "ear" if you will when he didn't have anyone to talk to. So you are being unkind and jumping to conclusions. That they met thru an online dating site 6 months before he told me he was unhappy doesn't mean he was lining her up before getting rid of the old one. That he announced their engagement on FB before our divorce was final means nothing because you know he has too much respect for me and. Really, you are too cynical and need to have more faith in people!
Shame, shame on you!
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 18
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/7/2013 8:51:11 AM
OP, your first mistake is comparing losing a spouse/mate to losing 'things'.

I have lost 'things'...and yes, I re built, and as aweful as it was re building what was lost, the entire time you know what got me through? At least I still have my family/son/loved ones. You cannot compare these two things.

To me is is very immature to think a person can just be replaced overnight with no impact.

I have seen people run into a new relationship days within the other one ending, only to find themselves in exactly the same pickle years later...wanting out and looking for someone new again, so dont tell me rushing out and getting someone new is a good solution-it only puts off the unavoidable-self reflection-what role did I play in these issues etc...which absolutely needs to be done before jumping right back into a new relationship....unless you want to be on some hamster wheel for life always running from one short lived fling to another, breaking hearts all along the way. Not my cuppa though. I have a high regard for my impact to other hearts and that is how I carry myself daily.
 monocryl
Joined: 3/4/2013
Msg: 19
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/7/2013 10:57:25 AM

Some folks try to line up a replacement
before the last one is even gone.

Or, in this case, start the "healing process" before the house burns down.
 MsMaggieMay
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 20
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/7/2013 2:03:13 PM
Let me put it a better way. If you broke your leg would you try to go running on it the next day? Why do you place so little value on a broken heart.
 dishearteneddave
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 21
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 9:37:42 AM
(Msg. #17. Michael7482) That is having your cake and eating it too. So your not having sex with your wife? Your still getting something on the side by seeing someone else to fulfill your intimacy needs.


I think it refers to someone who is getting sex at home and on the side.


For better or worse remember?


I look at that as dealing with misfortune. If my wife had an untreatable condition that would be different. To imply one can be as miserable and ****y and/or violent as they wish and the partner is supposed to accept it….that doesn’t make sense.


Unless you don't believe in monogamy which seems to be the case.


Monogamy:
1. marriage with only one person at a time. Compare bigamy, polygamy.
2. Zoology . the practice of having only one mate.
3. the practice of marrying only once during life.

1. I’m only married to one person.
2. If my partner isn’t mating with me she isn’t my mate. Or, if mate means the person with whom one lives and not the actual physical mating then the other woman isn’t my mate. In either case I have only one mate.
3. You might have caught me on number 3. This is my second marriage.


(Msg. #18. SaharaM) You seem to be confusing "intimacy" with physical gratification.


When one wants to be held is that seeking physical gratification? When giving one a hug do you consider that physical gratification? Is “pillow talk” physical gratification?


Your "intimacy" with another woman will not resolve resentments in your marriage, it will simply shift them. Given your original post, it's not surprising that you don't recogize this.


The resentment I was starting to feel has faded away. If I didn’t do something it would have eventually destroyed the marriage.


One can only hope that your wife finds someone with whom she can share intimacy and have a reciprocal loving relationship. That would be ok with you, right?


I asked her last summer that considering she wasn’t interested in having sex would she like to divorce. She emphatically said, “No!” When I asked her if she had any sexual feelings towards any other man she replied, “Are you crazy? No!” Just the other day she said she has never been happier in her life. She wouldn’t have said that if she was missing intimacy.

I wrote quite a bit more but decided not to include it. Basically, it was asking why people think my wife feels the same way I do, that she is also missing intimacy or would like to have sex with others. Obviously, she doesn’t. If she did then she would have broached the subject. If she did and it was that important to her she would seek it outside the marriage or end the marriage.


(Msg. #19. Hotmerlot) When your wife finds out that you are on 'hole patrol', she may very well burn down the house and take your car and replace you with a more suitable romantic partner to ease her through her depression.


Hole patrol? LOL First time I heard that. As for my car she just bought herself a luxury SUV last November so she sure doesn’t want my car.


(Msg. #21. WomanInProgress) Because one doesn't need a relationship to survive. All emotional well being and mental stability should come from within, not from being with someone else. While it's nice to have someone else, it shouldn't be someone's job to make us happy.


It’s not a case of one making another happy. It’s about life’s fulfillment. Like some people who can’t have children and decide to adopt. Try to tell them emotional fulfillment should come from within and they don’t need children.

Some people don’t care if they are in a relationship or not. Would you think a person would make a good parent if they said they really didn’t care if they had children? The same applies to a partner. If I met someone who didn’t care if they were in a relationship they wouldn’t be the person for me.


(Msg. #24. To me it is very immature to think a person can just be replaced overnight with no impact.


Dating isn’t replacing a person. There’s no reason not to date. Usually we know what we want as we go through life. I don’t see it as a situation where a partner leaves and the other person snaps out of a deep sleep and tries to figure out what they want. At least not with me. Also, my “want list” isn’t all that long. I don’t expect my partner to fulfill every need I have. She is my lover not my golfing partner or political debate buddy or the multitude of things others seem to require.

When I see a long list I’m not interested in the person. Anything on that list can be lost and then what happens? Plus, people change. What happens then? Maybe at 25 they both like paint ball. I doubt they will at 50. Are both expected to change in the exact same way and end up liking the same different activity?


so dont tell me rushing out and getting someone new is a good solution-it only puts off the unavoidable-self reflection-what role did I play in these issues etc...which absolutely needs to be done before jumping right back into a new relationship....


How could you possibly not know what roll you played? You played it every day. You were there. I really don’t understand your point. It’s fine for reflection as far as having not seen the breakup coming and not realizing how important something was to your partner but how long does that take? And, besides, who is to say the next person puts the same importance on what may have been the reason your partner left?

There are things my partner and I do together and there are things I do with other people or do alone. There isn’t any particular thing that would cause a breakup. Maybe, maybe there is something I really want my partner to do with me but it would be a one shot deal. Maybe see a concert/show where she can’t stand the performer but accompanies me as I have done for her.

When I see people write they grew apart I’m trying to figure out exactly what they mean. Either the desire for each other is there or it isn’t. Has one changed political views? Where have they grown apart? One wants to sell the house and travel the world? I can see that being a problem if the other is a homebody. LOL What could possibly divide two people who are physically/sexually attracted to each other and are decent roommates?


(Msg. #25. Monocryl) Or, in this case, start the "healing process" before the house burns down.


I assume you’re referring to my special “friend”. There’s no healing process going on. I’m trying to save a marriage. I assure you my friend is not interested in me on a full time basis.


(MSg. #26. MsMaggieMay) Let me put it a better way. If you broke your leg would you try to go running on it the next day? Why do you place so little value on a broken heart.


Would you stay home and never go out because you had a cast on your leg? Not only is the leg painful but you also are suffering from a lack of company for no reason. Why make the situation worse?

A broken heart does not mean one has to further torture themselves. If you used to go to a movie with your partner why not go with someone else? If you used to go out for dinner and have a conversation why not have dinner with someone with whom you have a mutual interest?

In many cases one finds the sun did not shine out their partner’s backside. But, again, it all comes down to what you demand from a partner. As soon as one is old enough to know they and others change what really is important? For me, it’s having a decent roommate and lots of intimacy/sex. Everything else is a bonus and whatever is missing can be easily found elsewhere. For example, if one is into social causes and wants to discuss it they can join a group and talk all they want. Of it they like golfing they can find a golf partner. Are we to expect our lover to be everything?

This has just come about since the equality between men and women. Now that it’s acceptable for both sexes to do the same thing people are seeking a “buddy” instead of a lover. Throughout history men and women did different things. Ones lover wasn’t expected to be their partner’s buddy/pal/sidekick. The problem, as I see it, is people put too much emphasis on the buddy aspect at the detriment of the lover aspect. Do we want a lover who may enjoy some of the activities we do or do we want a buddy with whom to have sex?
 MsMaggieMay
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 22
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 11:01:12 AM

Would you stay home and never go out because you had a cast on your leg? Not only is the leg painful but you also are suffering from a lack of company for no reason. Why make the situation worse?

No. But I would at least wait until the cast came off before I started running again. Using other people to fill the hole when you still have that other person in your heart is very unfair and cruel to them. Most people who are dating and looking for love and when you still have love for someone else you are wasting their time. Seeing as you see a partner as nothing more then a roomate to have sex with who is completely interchangeable then jumping back in again would not be a problem for you. You don't seem to value others or feel any love for others.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 23
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 12:03:18 PM

Using other people to fill the hole when you still have that other person in your heart is very unfair and cruel to them. Most people who are dating and looking for love and when you still have love for someone else you are wasting their time.

Yeppers. By all means socialize while healing, it's important, but not via dates. Even if you choose specifically people who say they're only seeking something casual, that doesn't mean they might not be smitten with you. Best to avoid the possibility 'til you're ready for something, so as not to hurt anyone.

It also provides a distraction that slows healing, for oneself. Then you just repeat whatever went wrong before, because you never examined it, because you were too busy being excited about the new person.
 AndreiShadows
Joined: 5/2/2013
Msg: 24
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 12:56:06 PM
A relationship has two people. Most relationships are war because most humans have no clue who they are or what they want. This results in pain all around.

My ex boyfriend entered into a relationship because like you said, he does better with someone. Imagine my surprise when he dumps me for independence? He THOUGHT he didn't need the perfect person, he admitted that he KNEW I wasn't the one from the beginning, yet everything he did was contradictory to his feelings. He wanted to get married, have kids, and told me all the time he believed we were going to be together forever.
After the breakup, it turns out he DOES need a person who is perfect for him.

The point of this story is that he made me suffer A LOT because he had no clue who he was or what he wanted.
The phrase time to heal should really be time to discover yourself. You can't come into another person's life blind, because it creates a lot of drama and pain for both parties. My ex ended up getting more and more miserable every day because in his mind I was the wrong person and thus he needed to dump me immediately. I went through a lot pain trying to figure out my life. I had invested a lot in this person only to realize that I was temporary to them from the beginning.
Life isn't perfect, no relationship is always the same, and feelings constantly change, yes, I can admit to that. But relationships require an inner stability for someone to make them great. He didn't have that and has never given himself the time to find it. I have my inner stability and so I'm ready for a new relationship.

So yes, I believe "time to heal" is a real necessary thing for people. Not just for relationships, but for life. You need to gather yourself every once in a while and think things through. My personal opinion, not saying I have the absolute truth here.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 25
What's with this Take Time To Heal advice?
Posted: 5/8/2013 1:25:13 PM

It’s not a case of one making another happy. It’s about life’s fulfillment.

Life's fulfillment starts from within. While we agree, I don't know what it has to do with having to be part of a pair.

Like some people who can’t have children and decide to adopt. Try to tell them emotional fulfillment should come from within and they don’t need children.

They don't. Children need parents or guardians to live a healthy childhood - but no one who has kids needs them. All do want them though - at least initially. And yes, emotional fulfillment should come from within. Just because a parent doesn't want to hear that doesn't make it false.

Some people don’t care if they are in a relationship or not.

Those are the smart ones. Despite not needing to be in one, they will choose the right one anyway. That's the healthiest scenario.

Would you think a person would make a good parent if they said they really didn’t care if they had children?

Whether they care or not doesn't gauge their ability to be good parents. I know a lot of parents who wanted kids yet did a crappy job raising them - so those two concepts aren't connected.

The same applies to a partner. If I met someone who didn’t care if they were in a relationship they wouldn’t be the person for me.

Why should someone have to care if they are in a relationship prior to meeting someone that makes them want one? A relationship is only as good, valid or valuable as the people in it. Did I ever care if I was in a relationship while single? No. Did I care to be in one with someone I actually liked? Yes. The context has a lot to do with it.

However, if you want to compare people to things, remember we all learned to put one toy away before playing with another - if for no other reason than we can focus better, and each toy gets undivided attention. Dragging someone into an unresolved situation (unless of course they don't care what happens because they aren't looking for anything serious or are in their own situation) is not a good thing to do to someone else.

Most people who are in or are ending bad relationships where they've been hurt usually aren't in a mindset where they have any interest what they're doing to anyone else - they just want what they want, sometimes with a sense of entitlement. so I don't expect you to grasp that.

If you won't do any healing alone - then say so. Don't try to justify that, don't ask us if we should all feel the same. Just own it.
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