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 PugDude1971
Joined: 2/13/2013
Msg: 1
Did I Blow It?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Here's what happened... a few weeks back I messaged a new member who lives about 25 miles outside of town. She was attractive, close to my age, and educated, three priorities of mine. We exchanged a few messages and I suggested we get some lunch the next time she is in town but I wasn't holding my breath or anything. A week or two later on a Friday and completely out of nowhere she messaged me tell me that she would be in town on the following day and asked if I was still interested in lunch. I was, but thing was I had already made a commitment to help a local animal shelter at an adoption event here in town. I told her that I really wanted to have chance to meet her but that I liked to keep my promises and commitments, especially when it comes to volunteer work. SO nothing came of it... I sent her a few messages after that but she never responded and yesterday I noticed that she killed her PoF account.

Did I blow it? I know how hard it is around here to actually make a contact and get a date... is it unwise to take a pass when one is offered up? Should I have backed out of my previous commitment?

I think I did the right thing, but I have this nagging feeling that I screwed up a good chance.
 Luthion
Joined: 12/1/2008
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 6:06:29 AM
Any woman who blows a man off for actually caring about his responsibilities isn't worth bothering with.

Sounds like she threw away a good catch too.
 Belluvthebawl
Joined: 2/19/2013
Msg: 3
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 6:29:55 AM
You didn't blow it!!

Would you really want to pursue a relationship with someone who is that shallow??
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 4
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History
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 6:34:07 AM
So let me get this right. You went out once but wasn't taken by her. You weren't holding your breath to meet up again. You didnt ask for a second date. You didnt keep in contact for TWO whole weeks and when she called you up you turned her down and didnt offer an alternative. All that means that deep down you werent really interested in her, so what exactly did you screw up?
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 5
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 6:46:37 AM
You blew the chance to offer an alternative to lunch & could have asked her to stop by on adoption day. I would have at least offered her my phone number too. I wouldn't automatically count someone out as shallow over it either as some have. More times than not they met someone else.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 6
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 6:46:42 AM
I do think you blew it. But not for declining to meet her, since you already had a commitment, but because you were not concrete or took charge of meeting. You left it up to her. You should have said, "I can't meet tomorrow, but can we meet this Friday or Saturday, and since you came all the way here, why not meet closer to your area."

I believe that a man should lead and give the woman some choices. Instead you left it all to her. So yes, you blew it. Also, I live in a big city (Atlanta) where 25 miles is nothing. That is one person living in one suburb and the other on a suburb across town. 25 miles is not even a long enough bike ride for me. So 25 miles should not have been a big deterrent.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 7
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 6:54:13 AM
well she is like a stray cat isn't she, wandering into town for the day and then *POOF* she's gone. if one wants to keep a stray around, one needs to feed the stray even if you're delaying a bit on the delivery.

in hindsight, she likely would have deleted her account anyway, leaving you in the dark after having the brief satisfaction meeting her but then painfully second guessing yourself.
 PugDude1971
Joined: 2/13/2013
Msg: 8
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 7:00:08 AM
Well, just to clarify, I did tell her that I would be willing to come out her way next time and asked specifically when she had more time. I was meaning to follow up but as I said, she deleted her account.

Thanks for the comments.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 9
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 7:02:34 AM

and asked specifically when she had more time.


And there you have it. You did what you could do. So realize that there are women that want you to drop all you are doing to accommodate some crap they are doing, to then pull a disappearing act.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 10
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 7:12:04 AM
Well...I do have to say..not that I am unbending but if it becomes too difficult to meet someone..I will drop it too!
I...as well, get a little put off by someone mentioning....."If you are ever in the city..look me up" attitude....to me it sounds like... they're not all that interested to go out of their way to meet me but I should...look them up.
Then she does...as you ask and she gets the "Oh, dang..I'm busy today"......
So....many things have to align...imo.

I think, her deleting her account had nothing to do with you.
She probably ran into certain scenarios and had a few "reality hits".......of the way of on line dating.
You did mention she was "new" didn't you? I did the same thing when I first started...she'll be back!

^^^^^^^^^^Edit in for this...

and asked specifically when she had more time

LOL...You were the "one" that didn't have time....imo.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 11
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 7:27:01 AM

We exchanged a few messages and I suggested we get some lunch the next time she is in town...


In other words, you told her you would like to meet for lunch when it's convenient for you, so that you wouldn't have to drive out of yout way. Why didn't you suggest meeting somewhere in between or in her area after a few messages instead of waiting for her to ride into town? I would imagine not very many women would like the idea of a guy saying "Next time you're in my area. give me a call, and hopefully I won't be too busy to meet you."
 PugDude1971
Joined: 2/13/2013
Msg: 12
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 7:35:31 AM
And to be clear, I don't mean to cast aspersions on her character nor do I think for a second that deleting her account had anything to do with me. I guess the broader question I'm trying to get to is how much work a person should put into meeting someone. Like I said, actual dates around here seem pretty few and far between, so when there is the possibility of one should I move heaven and earth to make it happen? I don't want my entire life to revolve around finding dates on PoF, but at the same time I don't want to pass up on decent opportunities.

It's probably just a matter of each individual deciding for himself or herself just how much of a sacrifice he or she is willing to make.
 PugDude1971
Joined: 2/13/2013
Msg: 13
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 7:42:34 AM

In other words, you told her you would like to meet for lunch when it's convenient for you, so that you wouldn't have to drive out of yout way. Why didn't you suggest meeting somewhere in between or in her area after a few messages instead of waiting for her to ride into town? I would imagine not very many women would like the idea of a guy saying "Next time you're in my area. give me a call, and hopefully I won't be too busy to meet you."


Point taken. I guess my perspective was that since I live in the major city and she lives in the podunk suburb the chances of her coming my way were a lot greater than the chances of me going her way (essentially nil). Plus, my intent was not to pressure her into a date, but rather to suggest a casual outing when it was convenient for the both of us. But yea, I can see where the language used might turn some women off and will try to be a bit more careful next time. Cheers...
 Luthion
Joined: 12/1/2008
Msg: 14
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History
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 8:06:40 AM
People here have a severely bad habit of turning molehills into mountains at the slightest sense of a decripency in a single word or sentence. Don't pay it too much heed.
 Crsdan57
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 15
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 8:12:37 AM
What am I missing here? 25 miles? Seriously? what is that like a half an hour or maybe an hour if it is 25 miles of school zones. So she said she was in town and suggested lunch. You had a prior commitment, which is fine but you offered nothing as a second option, like how about I drive out by you and buy you lunch or dinner? Yes I think you blew it, not by living up to your commitment but by not suggesting another option or hell getting in your car and driving 30 minutes. She show interest in meeting, you showed nothing.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 16
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 8:26:20 AM

Plus, my intent was not to pressure her into a date, but rather to suggest a casual outing when it was convenient for the both of us.


I have people that are vague, that do not want to do A DATE, but a meet up, or treat it like a HANG OUT.

First of all, it's not pressure. But if you are in a dating site, your goal is to DATE. Otherwise, go hang out at Chucky Cheese. So your goal IS to get together with the romantic intention of seeing if there may be chemistry. That is why I do not do lunch, or coffee. I meet at a restaurant for a casual drink. Also, if you live in the city and she lives in the suburbs, like Atlanta you may have a perimeter area, that in-between the suburbs and the city. That way she drives, that way you drive. And more than likely there are tons of places to meet.

Now, if you do not want to make it too formal. Tell her to get together for a drink, not dinner, and meet at the bar of the restaurant. Many restaurants also have a great tapas menu. So if the date is going well you can offer to eat some of these appetizers and be done with.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 17
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 9:27:19 AM
Your profile proclaims you like to get out of town for rides on your "scooter." Why wouldn't you ride out her way for heaven's sake?
Why couldn't you arrange your hours to get some time off for lunch at the adoption event?
It sounds like you are not very interested in trying to connect.

I would imagine not very many women would like the idea of a guy saying "Next time you're in my area. give me a call, and hopefully I won't be too busy to meet you."
Yep.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 18
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 9:32:06 AM
She wasn't that interested to begin with to meet with you -- only out of convenience. Sure, you blew that "opportunity" -- an opportunity to meet a gal in which the interest was questionable at best and very possibly she could have canceled. However...

Why not let her know you do have plans for the place -- but at the volunteer place to tell them (you're unpaid) that you're going to go out on a lunch date?

If it would cause tons of havoc due to what you'd be doing there, then you could tell her that you're open to drop it but ask if she's sure she could make it and that other things she's doing when in town wouldn't get in the way?

In the end, don't fret it. Especially if she went MIA and pops up because she's going to be in town. It's a convenience thing, and very easily being in town for Another reason in the first place could get in the way. Next time though, agree to it -- and if she seems questionable like this one from the get go And it would cause havoc with the volunteer place if you even took an extended lunch break -- at Least opt for time -- for you to go out to her town to meet up.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 19
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Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 12:14:38 PM
You did nothing wrong. She may have been speaking to multiple people online and simply moved on the the next guy. You kept your previous commitment and that was the priority that day.
If this was a good chance for you.......it would have turned out better. Don't bog yourself down with regrets of what never was.
 Native_Artist84
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 20
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 5:45:36 PM
Okay. For starters. This guy is asking for advice. not to be ripped into. Oh you did screw up. Oh this and oh that. So anyways.... No you did not screw up. You were committed to a great cause. You were going out of your way to help out with volunteer work, there's no shame there. Don't listen to the ones who tell you that you did screw up. I find it weird that someone would just up and delete their profile. But you never know. Maybe you were the last straw and she gave up on this site. I dare say I've been trying since September 2012 and I still haven't gotten a nibble. even I am considering closing my account because I feel maybe I have a better chance of just letting it happen. Or maybe she met someone else and you were an alternative. It will never be known, but know this... as I said before. You DIDNT screw up. Because let's just say that you DID go meet her. What if you two didn't connect? Then you would have felt bad for missing your volunteer work. You did what you felt was right, never think it was wrong because it was meant to be. :)
 LathaMath
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 21
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 5:53:47 PM
You didn't blow it. She did.
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 22
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History
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 6:14:18 PM
Any meet that does not occur ever over technicality is a good thing and never a screw up. She called you late, you did not offer an alternative, both should have been workable but someone got their panties in a bunch...It would have happened regardless, better sooner than later.
 monocryl
Joined: 3/4/2013
Msg: 23
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 8:42:41 PM
Neither of you blew it. You can only blow something valuable. She didn't put much thought into the matter if she gave you only a day's notice - suggesting lunch sounds like an afterthought on her part. You haven't screwed up a good chance - this "chance" only seems good because she vanished :-)
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 24
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 8:46:00 PM
It's easy to say should'a would'a could'a when you have hindsight, but in this case, the OP had no idea she was going to drop off the face of the planet.

If someone gets so bent out of shape because at the 11th hour, they ask someone out and *gasp* they have other plans, then they are being a bit too rigid, particularly when the other plans are service to their community or performing a charitable act.

If working on behalf of homeless animals is something that is near and dear to the OP's heart, then I would suspect if she got huffy about this time, then, assuming the OP participates in this charitable cause regularly, she wouldn't be a good match in the long run.

Personally, I would have offered to bring sandwiches and asked if they could use an extra pair of hands for an hour at the animal adoption event, but that's just me.
 m8t
Joined: 3/14/2013
Msg: 25
Did I Blow It?
Posted: 5/6/2013 9:05:12 PM
Welcome to the world of online dating.
If she really wanted to make the effort, she would have.
Chalk it up to just another experience on your path to finding someone special.
Dont lose hope, or get jaded like so many members do.
Dating today at our age isnt easy; online isnt either.
Its just a bigger pool to swim in.

Happy fishing.
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