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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?      Home login  
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 AndreiShadows
Joined: 5/2/2013
Msg: 1
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?Page 1 of 1    
I like to message men first, because I don't want to wait around for the right one to message me.
I noticed that when I message men they automatically assume I want the D for some reason.
I'm not thin by any stretch of the imagination and seeing as a lot of men have a no fatties rule, I feel somewhat uncomfortable messaging men first.

My primary question is if there is a psychological phenomena that would make a man deem me less desirable by virtue of me having messaged first.
Assuming all things equal (his level of attraction to me, his current mood, etc) would a man naturally have more desire for me if he messaged me first?

Is there any advice for getting men to reply to my messages? Or does game theory not work on men (either they think you're hot or they don't)?
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 2
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 2:50:09 PM
Men typically love to receive an occasional inbound message.
It is a wonderful change-of-pace and it is certainly appreciated.
Definitely continue to embrace sending a message to guy who sparks your interest.
 AndreiShadows
Joined: 5/2/2013
Msg: 3
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 2:55:34 PM
Thank you, I do have a full inbox though. Meeting men who are attracted to me is not the problem. ^_^ I actually have better luck offline, but thank you for the reply I was just wondering if men can be "gamed" lol
 AndreiShadows
Joined: 5/2/2013
Msg: 4
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 2:56:02 PM
Hope on the horizon :D
 psytle
Joined: 3/7/2011
Msg: 5
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Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 3:24:34 PM

Assuming all things equal (his level of attraction to me, his current mood, etc) would a man naturally have more desire for me if he messaged me first?


If there is a difference between messaging first or waiting to be messaged, it's minimal, at best.

If a guy is attracted to you and hasn't seen your profile yet, he would be flattered to receive a message from you. If a guy was intrigued by your profile and sent you a message, it's virtually the same level of desire as the first option.


Is there any advice for getting men to reply to my messages?


You really shouldn't be trying to sell yourself in your messages, that's what your profile pictures and your About Me section is for.

If there is enough in your pictures or your About Me section to interest them, they will reply.
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 3:54:41 PM

I was just wondering if men can be "gamed" lol

what do you mean here?
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 7
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 4:03:00 PM

Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?

Depends on what's in the message and my mood.


I noticed that when I message men they automatically assume I want the D for some reason.

Why not? If you didn't, wouldn't you be messaging women? If you didn't wouldn't you be looking for just friends?
If you contact me first I can either assume you want to be just friends, and if I respond as a friend, then I am communicating that I am open to being just friends, committing to that.
Or I can assume you want the D, respond as such, communicating that's what I want to give you, not sexless friendship. Or I can assume you want to date, which at some point includes sex, and make sure to let you know I am a sexual creature in obvious ways thereby making sure you see me as viable as more than just friends, especially if you are communicating that you have a big problem with the D.

It seems like it would be an easy shortcut to make leading to that kind of behavior.
It seems like if you want more than friendship then D assumptions would be what you want, avoiding the nice guy friend crap.


if there is a psychological phenomena that would make a man deem me less desirable by virtue of me having messaged first.

That's a sticky wicket and you aren't all that clear on what you mean by this.
Is there a psychological phenomena with a label like "schizophrenia" that means guys deem you less desirable by virtue of having messaged them first? No.

Do people go through a plethora of psychological phenomena as soon as they are made aware of your existence?
Yes.
Are some guys going to be turned off because you messaged them first? Yes.
Conversely you are going to hurt some guys feelings or turn them off because you don't email them first even though they viewed you, meet me'd you, favorited you, or simply sat and stared at your pictures for minutes or hours, and they don't have the balls to message you.

No matter what you do, you are going to hurt someone, turn someone off. Email them first, not email them at all, email the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, say the right thing and they take it wrong or what it represents, or do the right/wrong thing.

Sorry there is no guaranteed easy approach. Online dating isn't buying sweaters.


Assuming all things equal

That's a pointless exercise.
Simply because once you do that you can no longer use whatever you find out in a practical sense.
All the answers that come from"assuming all things equal" in regards to human interaction lead to simple ego masturbation. At best trying make "all things equal" allows you to reinforce your own stereotypes.


would a man naturally have more desire for me if he messaged me first?

It's far safer to assume a man that approaches you in public (or is receptive to you approaching them) with dating intentions has a greater natural desire for you than anyone doing it based on an online profile.
What does that tell you?


Is there any advice for getting men to reply to my messages?

See individual men. Not just the group "men" from which you want to break off a "good" piece.


does game theory not work on men (either they think you're hot or they don't)?

You might want to read up on game theory before you try and apply it...
Human attraction and perspectives change. I used to think 12 year olds were hot. Then I turned 13 and my sister started bringing home her high school cheerleader friends to hang out in their lollies and sew things on their uniforms.
Then I turned 37 and noticed that my sisters 12 year old girls were mostly sticky, dirty, gassy, and had horrible breath.
Absolute measurements like "hot or not" are more about mood than attraction and motivating behavior.
 Kentish-Man
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 8
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Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 4:26:52 PM

AndreiShadows
Hope on the horizon :D

Yup...women say they don't want the D ;)
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 9
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 4:40:39 PM
Since women messaging men first is a rare thing, I say Hell, YES message a guy you like first. Better to stand out from the crowd then sit and wait for the 'right' person to message you amongst the blizzard of spam-ish messages.

Just keep in mind, messaging someone first does not immediately mean you'll get attraction or even a reply - Men have just as much of a right to be discriminatory about who we decide to reply as women do. So, like many people that give advice to disgruntled guys in here - you CANNOT get bent out of shape or put too much stock into non-replies, even if you are a woman making the first move.
 Jackals38
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 10
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Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 5:07:50 PM

My primary question is if there is a psychological phenomena that would make a man deem me less desirable by virtue of me having messaged first.


Not sure where in the world you could have possibly got that idea, but no, not remotely. Are you just trying to find reasons that don't have to do with you and your profile?


Assuming all things equal (his level of attraction to me, his current mood, etc) would a man naturally have more desire for me if he messaged me first?


No and why are you even correlating these things? It's completely arbitrary. There are dozens of reasons why a guy would find you less desirable and it is different for every guy.


Is there any advice for getting men to reply to my messages? Or does game theory not work on men (either they think you're hot or they don't)?


You claim you have an inbox full of messages. Whatever the reasons are for you not messaging those guys back are likely the same reasons the guys you message don't message you back - they don't find you attractive, don't like your profile, don't think you're compatible, etc.
 AndreiShadows
Joined: 5/2/2013
Msg: 11
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 5:21:31 PM
Hmm I guess nobody really understood the post, my fault I presume.

As to the D issue lol, I meant that most men who I message first assume I must be immediately contacting them for sex ONLY and precede to escalate things to a sexual level as compared to men who message me first.

I was just wondering as to how women can "get" men if that makes sense through online dating. Is there a strategy that works for women? Men have all these different techniques and ways to act that they must learn to get women to reply, is there an equivalent for women to get men?

Also in response to other posters I never said that I want ALL men I message to automatically respond to me, that was nowhere in my post and I don't think all men have to be attracted to me because I message them.

I'm also not having trouble getting men to respond, I was just curious about all these issues, since like I said, women aren't typically the pursuer.
 AndreiShadows
Joined: 5/2/2013
Msg: 12
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 5:22:42 PM
I don't think women don't want the D lol, or else why would they date? I guess we just don't want the D as quickly as men want the V lol.
 AndreiShadows
Joined: 5/2/2013
Msg: 13
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 5:24:34 PM
I'm not looking for reasons why no one is responding to me lol, I actually haven't been here more than a week so I haven't had too much time to initiate the messaging with men. I guess the natural assumption though when someone posts questions on here is that they're having trouble.
Just curious people ^_^
 Jackals38
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 14
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Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 5:59:24 PM

Is there any advice for getting men to reply to my messages?



I'm also not having trouble getting men to respond


It sounds like you have no clue what you are trying to say since you just keep contradicting yourself.
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 15
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 7:56:30 PM
No. If I'm not interested in a woman, it's not because she contacted me first.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 16
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 9:11:28 PM

I guess we just don't want the D as quickly as men want the V lol.


And here i was wondering what the D was.....???

Op,quit responding to each and every Post coz this Thread is capped at 21 responses,ok.
I would guess most men would love women to initiate responses more - the most oft asked Q in these Forums is why no one is responding to them and 99.9% of the time,its the males asking.
So,go for it and good luck
 Bearfish13
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 17
Does your attraction go down if a woman messages you first?
Posted: 5/8/2013 10:37:50 PM
i wouldnt say no, the converse is the same thing, but i think the same rule applies that if you are attracted to the person and if the other person is also then you will get your response, Good luck OP
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