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 vibrantshe
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 1
Being Stood Up Over and Over AgainPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
This will be the fourth time I have been stood up in about three months.

These are all men who made the effort to contact me and exchange emails with me. Then after speaking to me on the phone, they have asked me out to meet me and set a time and a place. In all four cases, they have just disappeared and not responded to my emails and texts to confirm the day either the day of or the day before. In all four cases, they were men in their fifties who live in my area.

Can someone shed some light on why anyone would make the effort ask a woman out and then disappear??? Are they just trying to see if someone would say yes to them? If this just happened once or twice over a long period, I wouldn’t think much of it. If they didn’t like the conversation we had, then they didn’t have to ask me out in the first place. Or if they changed their mind, they could have email/texted some lame excuse.
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 2
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/10/2013 7:27:54 PM
they have just disappeared and not responded to my emails and texts to confirm the day either the day of or the day before.


Bingo!

There's your response. Don't go meeting anyone without a confirmation. Albeit not a guarantee they'll show WITH a confirmation, either. Dating is a process of elimination.
 monocryl
Joined: 3/4/2013
Msg: 3
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/10/2013 8:22:54 PM
Maybe something simple like early Alzheimer's.


Here are the top ten reasons you would want to date me, make me your life-partner and die in my arms:

1. I have my own business in insurance so I am extremely business minded and capable.


I know you didn't request a profile review, but the above is a most unfortunate juxtaposition. Maybe the over-fifty men thought "Hmm."
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 4
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/10/2013 8:23:39 PM
Can someone shed some light on why anyone would make the effort ask a woman out and then disappear??? Are they just trying to see if someone would say yes to them? If this just happened once or twice over a long period, I wouldn’t think much of it. If they didn’t like the conversation we had, then they didn’t have to ask me out in the first place. Or if they changed their mind, they could have email/texted some lame excuse.


It's always possible some of these men could be married or involved, and got caught on a dating site by their wives or girlfriends.

Also, do you ever give potential dates any personal information about yourself, such as your last name or place of business? They could be running a background check on you, and deciding not to meet you based on that information.
 vibrantshe
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 5
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/10/2013 8:32:48 PM
I know you didn't request a profile review, but the above is a most unfortunate juxtaposition. Maybe the over-fifty men thought "Hmm."
_______________________________________________________________________________
I’m guess these guys read my profile and if they were not interested, they would not have contacted me in the first place.

______________________________________________________________________________
Also, do you ever give potential dates any personal information about yourself, such as your last name or place of business? They could be running a background check on you, and deciding not to meet you based on that information.
______________________________________________________________________________
Yes, I always get their information and do a google/facebook search to make sure they are who they say they are.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 6
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/10/2013 8:38:40 PM

Yes, I always get their information and do a google/facebook search to make sure they are who they say they are.


I asked you if you were giving them personal information about yourself where they might be checking YOU out.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 7
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/10/2013 9:42:44 PM

Yes, I always get their information and do a google/facebook search to make sure they are who they say they are.


If someone displayed that sort of lack of trust in me before we met I might be inclined to pass on meeting - I wonder if they might feel that you are giving them the "third degree" prior to meeting and this is putting them off. IMO exchanging a whole lot of personal information prior to meeting is not necessary unless you are going on a long distance meet. If you are worried about your safety meet prior to exchanging personal information keep it light and meet in a public place over something as short as a coffee.
 theanswerguy2
Joined: 4/3/2013
Msg: 8
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/10/2013 9:50:24 PM

Yes, I always get their information and do a google/facebook search to make sure they are who they say they are.


And STILL they turn out to be a problem.

So, you can follow all of the so-called "rules" and it still won't work out well if you are dealing with the wrong people.

Just like you can break all of the so-called "rules" with the right person, and there's no problem.
 vibrantshe
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 9
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/10/2013 10:01:00 PM
If someone displayed that sort of lack of trust in me before we met I might be inclined to pass on meeting - I wonder if they might feel that you are giving them the "third degree" prior to meeting and this is putting them off. IMO exchanging a whole lot of personal information prior to meeting is not necessary unless you are going on a long distance meet. If you are worried about your safety meet prior to exchanging personal information keep it light and meet in a public place over something as short as a coffee.
_______________________________________________________________________________
I hope you are not really that naive to think that anyone who accepts a date with you or any other man on a free online dating-site would not do a quick background check to make sure you are a safe person to meet.
I do not give anyone the “third degree”. However, if I did or said anything to make a man change his mind about going out with me (since the “ask out” usually comes at the end of a conversation), they could very easy not ask me out in the first place.

FYI- I had a friend who was the mother of three, murdered by a man she knew briefly – so I always make it a point to know something about the people I meet that I don’t know. There is no reason to automatically trust anyone you don’t really know.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 10
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/10/2013 10:03:52 PM

Can someone shed some light on why anyone would make the effort ask a woman out and then disappear???

In your area, my first guess would be they're married and got busted, but... four of 'em? No, sorry, I've got nothin'.

I don't understand how anyone could fail to meet you after that photo with the puppies anyway.
 vibrantshe
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 11
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/10/2013 10:06:45 PM
I don't understand how anyone could fail to meet you after that photo with the puppies anyway.

_______________________________________________________________________________
Ha! So true – Aren’t they too cute .... brother and sister Pit-bulls.
 GreenThumbz18
Joined: 4/25/2012
Msg: 12
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/10/2013 11:57:29 PM
OP - I can only conclude that you do something to these guys to turn them off, I don't know what it is, maybe you ask too many questions, or seem pushy or bossy, I don't know.
I have met a lot of women on POF, and if you keep it light and fun, why would they refuse?
 Vesta_ceres
Joined: 4/5/2013
Msg: 13
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 3:39:07 AM
They're either turned off by something you had said or done; or they're married/attached; or they concluded that, in their brief dialogues with you, you weren't a willing cash machine.

Nobody explains anything and they don't have to so early in the game. If you have received no confirmation prior to the time of the meet, then they indicated to you that they don't intend to meet you. They didn't stand you up, technically.

This happens all of the time to people. I guess I don't understand why you're taking this so personally, unnecessarily?
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 14
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 3:59:48 AM
These are all men who made the effort to contact me and exchange emails with me. Then after speaking to me on the phone, they have asked me out to meet me and set a time and a place.

Now you know that somebody saying and doing those things doesn't prove a thing about their real interest and even less about their sincerity. Knowledge is power.


Can someone shed some light on why anyone would make the effort ask a woman out and then disappear??? Are they just trying to see if someone would say yes to them? If this just happened once or twice over a long period, I wouldn’t think much of it. If they didn’t like the conversation we had, then they didn’t have to ask me out in the first place. Or if they changed their mind, they could have email/texted some lame excuse.

They're stupid? Certainly there's no shortage of dumb people in any major metro area.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 15
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 5:07:52 AM
This could be a reverse gambler's fallacy or Monte Carlo fallacy.

I don't know what the odds are of a random date from the Internet to stand you up.

If they are 1 in 10, then I think the odds of 4 men in a row are 1 in 10,000. If the odds are 50/50, then the odds of 4 in a row are 1 in 16.

So you could just have an unlucky series and you are not likely to have this many in a row again. It could be what people call bad luck.

Or you could be picking dates that are likely no shows, or you could be doing something to cause them to change their minds.

If it happens again, the odds increase that has something to do with your picker or personality.

BTW, many times I will google someone's name just being curious about it, so I don't think that is a big deal.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 16
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 9:12:22 AM
I hope you are not really that naive to think that anyone who accepts a date with you or any other man on a free online dating-site would not do a quick background check to make sure you are a safe person to meet.


To my knowledge none of the women I have met from this site have done a background check on me prior to a first meet... maybe it's big city American Paranoia that you are working off of or maybe most of us Canadians are just naïve country bumpkins - I might be a little more paranoid if I thought there was a good chance that my date had a gun in her purse or glove box ... usually if a woman carries a weapon in Canada it's just pepper spray and I have never has a really spicy date.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 17
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 11:54:07 AM
Screening someone better in initial conversations helps, usually someone who's flaky and not reliable to do things is typically that way across the board, so you'll notice it in other areas, not calling when they say they will, things they say that don't jibe, etc.

Also - you'll never be stood up if you plan things where you'll enjoy them regardless. Planning your outing based on someone else being there means it depends on them to be successful.

Next time tell them you're thinking of going to or checking out XYZ - invite them to join. Or tell them you're grabbing coffee or a meal somewhere easy for them to get to - they can stop in while you're there.

If you don't go out a lot alone, start doing it - another person should add to what's already going on, not become the reason you go somewhere.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 12:50:49 PM

I hope you are not really that naive to think that anyone who accepts a date with you or any other man on a free online dating-site would not do a quick background check to make sure you are a safe person to meet.




Dino57 replied:To my knowledge none of the women I have met from this site have done a background check on me prior to a first meet... I hope you are not really that naive to think that anyone who accepts a date with you or any other man on a free online dating-site would not do a quick background check to make sure you are a safe person to meet.


To my knowledge none of the women I have met from this site have done a background check on me prior to a first meet... maybe it's big city American Paranoia that you are working off of or maybe most of us Canadians are just naïve country bumpkins - I might be a little more paranoid if I thought there was a good chance that my date had a gun in her purse or glove box ... usually if a woman carries a weapon in Canada it's just pepper spray and I have never has a really spicy date.


I agree with Dino. As a Canadian and I am sure most other Canadians are of the same opinion, we would never think of doing a background check or court file check or any other check that our neighbours south of the 49th are so fond of performing on anyone and everyone who may even remotely cross their paths. In Canada, most of those types of searches are protected under FOIP (Freedom of Information) so unless you have a pretty damn good reason to pay for and have an agent perform these types of searches, you will be unable to get much, if any, of the smutty information those in USA are free to get at their fingertips. I suspect Dino is correct when he suggests that "maybe it's big city American Paranoia that you are working off of" as opposed to "most of us Canadians are just naïve country bumpkins ". Canadians have a totally different mindset and culture than do USians.
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 19
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 1:33:08 PM

Can someone shed some light on why anyone would make the effort ask a woman out and then disappear

You ever go look at Ferraris online then mentally masturbate about what it would be like to drive it, with the top down, speeding down the highway, picking up chicks or dudes, racing it against people?
Or something like that? Maybe fantasize about getting a cat, or a dog, or a new sweater, or new shoes?
But then something comes in and crushes that fantasy?

Maybe something related to reality like "Oh, the ferrari costs a million dollars? Oh, I have to feed the pet every day and clean its poop, and walk it, and take care of it if I go on vacation, oh that sweater doesn't come in my size? Oh, I need to buy a new outfit if I get those shoes."
Some dose of reality comes to mind and you just navigate away from the webpage, or the store window where you saw that thing you wanted?

IMO the same thing happens online.
You get a live interactive fantasy for a little bit, but once meeting time starts rearing it's head, then some people disappear because reality takes responsibility, effort, risk, and cost.

IMO with this thread you are basically the anthropomorphized Ferrari, or pet, or sweater, or shoes wondering "Hey, where'd that guy go that almost pushed the 'buy it now' button but ran off? Is he coming back? WTH?"



then they didn’t have to ask me out in the first place. Or if they changed their mind, they could have email/texted some lame excuse.

No matter what it is, in hindsight there will always be a better way for other people to behave.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 20
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 1:49:22 PM
I can see another good reason why men and women will ask people out with no intention of dating.

They are either doing a trial run of what if, are they still attractive enough to date, if they break up with their SO are they able to date?

Then some people get ego gratification just from being able to get someone to agree to a date. Actually going on a date might not be feasible and they risk rejection.

It's always tough to figure out why flaky people do flaky things.

I wouldn't assume it had anything to do with you.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 21
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 5:04:26 PM

I asked you if you were giving them personal information about yourself where they might be checking YOU out.


Let’s see if the third request is the charm….I’d like to know the answer to this, too, OP.

Maybe those guys found something in their search of YOU they didn’t like.


FYI- I had a friend who was the mother of three, murdered by a man she knew briefly – so I always make it a point to know something about the people I meet that I don’t know. There is no reason to automatically trust anyone you don’t really know.


What an unfortunate choice of words.

Did she meet him through an online dating site?

If you think your internet dates are gonna murder you, why are you dating online? Maybe you got stood up because they all went on murder sprees the night of your scheduled meets. Do you run checks on everyone you meet or interact with? It’s naïve to think a Facebook search is gonna keep you from getting murdered.

Also….not every American thinks doing background checks on strangers/dates is cool.
 Aristotle_Amadopolis
Joined: 12/8/2011
Msg: 22
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 6:42:19 PM

This will be the fourth time I have been stood up in about three months.

See: Glass half empty




Can someone shed some light on why anyone would make the effort ask a woman out and then disappear???

Nope, as that would be impossible to do.
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 23
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 7:39:45 PM
I've never run a background check on any one I've met. Again, I'm in Canada and I highly doubt it's even possible without the persons authorization - I know when I get a police report and abuse check on myself for work, a signed form and a form of ID is required along with the fee and the report usually takes about a week before it has to be picked up in person too.

If you can't trust your own judgement with regards to new people, or take the obvious steps of meeting in a public place, at least initially, on-line dating isn't for you. Everything has risk - it's about acceptable risk and minimizing risks. A background check is useless unless someone's been caught and convicted. The clever ones don't get caught so a police report will tell you nothing. Likewise, not everyone has an internet presence so plugging a name into Google or searching FB isn't always going to produce results either. Sooner or later, you have to trust you gut.
 Rapunzel1964
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 24
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 11:24:59 PM
Op, you're very attractive, and successful- maybe these guys are afraid they're not good enough?
. Who knows why men do this? It's happened to me also.
 trinity818
Joined: 9/1/2006
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/12/2013 6:19:05 AM
I don't think the OP really meant "stood up"...as in, she went to the meeting place even though they failed to confirm.

Obviously, I'm just guessing that she was referring to the disappearing act they each pulled by failing to confirm the meeting.

When I was dating, I encountered a number of men who did the same thing. Just further evidence of how "flaky" online daters can be. Many people are more comfortable with simply disappearing, then dealing more directly with disappointing someone.

My advice would be something like, when they make the plans, ask them to confirm the day before and don't put much faith in it, until you receive that confirmation.
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