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Too strong?Page 1 of 1    
I'm a bit nervous about this because I went on one date on here and it turned out he only wanted one thing. Even though I made a message exchange into a date, it doesn't fill me with much confidence because it was clear that he said what I wanted to hear and didn't take much interest.

lemme see if i have this straight. you think that because you made yourself appear too enthusiastic, you somehow transformed this guy's intention setting from 'relationship' to 'sex only.' and now you're asking that if you appear more aloof, you can prevent that from happening again, or perhaps even change some guy's 'sex only' setting to 'relationship.' is that correct?


How do you find the right balance?

the balance is inside you. it's not about how well you can manipulate someone's perception of you by putting on a facade of interest or disinterest. part of that balance is having patience. part of patience is understanding that no matter how promising someone appears to be early, a process of discovery is needed to determine whether that promise will pan out, and that discovery takes time. keeping emotions in check through that discovery process reduces the chances you'll get hurt.

it is inevitable that you will cross paths with many men who have a different goal for relating than you do. that's the nature of dating. what you're bound to discover is a fizzled date means nothing in the larger context of the search for love. that realization will help you put less weight on any initial set of interactions.
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 3
Too strong?
Posted: 5/13/2013 6:28:55 PM

I've replied to a few people and I mentioned at the end that I liked receiving their messages and that their reply made me smile. Does that sound too strong?

I don't know what you mean by strong? Are you afraid it makes you look like a desperate prostitute? Or that you're easy? Or you attach yourself emotionally very easily? Or that you have a strong personality? Or that you are forceful?

Other than that it depends what else you said in the message.
I know I've received emails that seemed to be just random thoughts, a "thank you for emailing me," and I "made them laugh"...but it was just a response because they felt they had to respond to be nice. They weren't interested. But what they said wasn't strong enough for me to get the clear message they weren't interested.


All the advice I read tells me I should act disinterested to encourage men to chase me, and that showing obvious interest puts a guy off and makes him consider his other options.

Read different advice then.
There's advice you can read that will tell you the exact opposite.
Or you could simply try to be yourself yet also clear, concise, and have a point.


How do you find the right balance?

In ways that would be meaningless to you because I'm not you, you're not me, and it's subjective...as it's a subjective balance.


I'm a bit nervous about this because I went on one date on here and it turned out he only wanted one thing. Even though I made a message exchange into a date, it doesn't fill me with much confidence because it was clear that he said what I wanted to hear and didn't take much interest.

Here's some advice.
Stop seeing emailing as a means to fill out the guaranteed ingredient list like on the side of a cereal box.
A first "date" or "meet" from online is basically just setting up a rendezvous for the in person pick up.
Basically the two of you agreeing "hey, I'm going to be at the bookstore, come hit on me so we can see if we actually do want to date each other."
It really isn't a forward progression of some magical impersonal online chemistry.
Although people like to delude themselves that it is simply because they want the immediate gratification of emotional progress, accomplishment, and an interpersonal relationship.


I've since come back online with a bit more street sense

Kinda sad if your "street sense" told you that your first option was to start playing games as a response to a guy wanting "only one thing" from you, from one date.
The only people that are going to immediately start playing your games are those that are going to be looking for easily measurable ways they can keep score (like, I scored), or those that are playing their own game and it includes playing yours until they get what they want from you.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 4
Too strong?
Posted: 5/13/2013 6:31:24 PM
So long as you don't just throw yourself at the guy, showing interest is actually a good thing. What you describe doing (not the playing aloof part) is just fine.

As you can see, there will be lots of players on here that will tell you what you want to hear. Keep yourself somewhat guarded and aware and you should be fine.

Good luck on here (I have found it not worth my time).
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 6
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Too strong?
Posted: 5/13/2013 8:30:58 PM
Men don't like to chase. Simply find a way to jettison that idea to Pluto. If a man shows interest reciprocate or else you risk losing him for good.

You should go with your instincts and don't try to manipulate or play mind games. Be you, and embrace that you are person that is forward and fresh. A man will come along that will appreciate that you are not afraid to show interest back.

I personally have had the most success with women that communicate their interest in return when I show interest (funny how that work?). If, a woman shows mixed signals, or not very much interest I lose interest really, really fast. Not sticking around spinning my wheels in the mud haha.
 moonchildmn
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 7
Too strong?
Posted: 5/13/2013 8:42:57 PM
It's pretty easy really.
If a guy emails you, respond back to him right away. The silly, nonsensical, game playing makes no sense.
You don't want to appear too eager, why's that? Do you have dozens of options?

I'd Keep your response light, airy, a little flirty and don't get all serious on him. I think your responses sounded fine but did you ask any questions or anything to keep the conversation going?

I read that you're still a little freaked out by your past experiences. You're past experiences will scare off good guys by the vibe you're sending out. You should realize that not all men are the boogey man who want to lie and hurt you. Once you meet them and date them, go slow, make sure their actions match their words. It's easy and fun if you're not scared.

Good luck :)
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 10
Too strong?
Posted: 5/14/2013 4:10:10 AM
It's true most good men will enjoy an honest approach to,,,,,anything, do remember that you are dealing with boys at your age. Be honest, to yourself, and others and the world should turn as it should. But,again, some of the boys will have no problem abusing your honesty, and toss it to the side for the one thing they are looking for. A little kitty cat. Yes, that's what boys do.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 11
Too strong?
Posted: 5/14/2013 6:38:25 AM
Doing it right in my book. Ok to show interest & others intentions shouldn't dissuade you from being so. You meet & date to feel someone out but should always proceed with caution till their true intentions are known.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 13
Too strong?
Posted: 5/14/2013 10:25:26 AM
The only thing I hope your 'street sense' has taught you is that guys who just want sex always seem to try and steer conversations that way, no matter what the topic or where. You DO have control - the ability to say 'No' and stop the dating process cold in it's tracks is a VERY powerful one - so use it sparingly, but DO use it when it's needed.
 LathaMath
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 14
Too strong?
Posted: 5/14/2013 11:34:37 AM

I try to put across something positive in my replies but wonder if I get a little too open.
You mean too personal? Keep it objective, impersonal. Ask about impersonal interests rather than personal stuff. You don't know the guy well enough to get personal before you even meet. You don't need to play hard to get online. That's not the opposite of being personal. As for thinking of one thing, it's what guys, especially guys your age, do when they encounter a female, any female. Your job is to distract their attention. Change the subject. It's easier to do that once you get them off the Internet into real life where the all good distractions are. Once you decide the guy is a keeper you can lower your boundaries and let him in. Have fun.
 Bearfish13
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 16
Too strong?
Posted: 5/14/2013 1:31:34 PM
Your being yourself.. dont question how you answer in your responses, thats all that counts
 The_Curvy_Doll
Joined: 12/14/2012
Msg: 17
Too strong?
Posted: 5/14/2013 2:41:21 PM
I would think acting disinterested would make most guys not want to pursue you. Only jerks who don't care about women's boundaries would continue to pursue someone who is not acting interested. I think if you praise a man's actions it's not coming on too strong in the beginning. I think most men would feel pleased about that and encouraged to continue pursuing you. It's when you start complimenting their appearance too much or asking way more questions about their life than they are asking you that you start giving off a pushy, almost masculine vibe.
 RyanohRyan
Joined: 11/12/2012
Msg: 18
Too strong?
Posted: 5/14/2013 4:23:21 PM
I would be delighted to get a message from you in that context. It shows sincerety. Anyone who says different is probably not right for you anyways, as people are attracted to like-minded other people. You will attract who you want and the right people will respond positively.

If you act disinterested, the guy will either become frustrated (not your fault), or simply go away...because there are plenty of other women on this site to message/talk to.
 Morespam
Joined: 3/25/2012
Msg: 19
Too strong?
Posted: 5/14/2013 11:07:49 PM
I agree with moonchild except I wouldn't be too flirty.
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