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 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 1
FWB and new BFPage 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I had a brief FWB relationship with one of my best friends. We both had one of those dry spells and during a concert, we ended up making out and it went on from there for a few months. When I find a BF though, we stop but then we pick up where we left off when we're both single. Anyway, we love each other dearly as friends and we're able to successfully go back and forth as friends and lovers really without strings attached except we're more huggy than normal friens.

I have a new BF and I felt compelled to be honest with him that one of my best friends was a FWB. He said he can't stop me from seeing my friends, but I'm not sure if he's being honest. He is VERY easy going and not prone to jealousy - but I'm not sure if he means I can see my bud or not. I really really miss my friend and would love to go hiking or just hang out with him - but our hanging out consists of hiking or clubbing and then kicking it with some cereal and watching a movie at his house or passing out on the couch, without doing anything when we're just friends. I told my BF that and his reaction was really bland and I couldn't tell how he felt about it (we were hiking at the time and the freaking incline and heat was unbearable). I want to see my friend while my BF is backpacking with his friends this week. I don't know if I should though - but damn, I don't want to ignore my best friend that I've known for years.

What to do what to do?
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 2
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 1:22:00 PM
Hmm, that's a tricky one. Your boyfriend says he's fine with it. So long as he's self-aware, I'd take him at his word. Personally, I wouldn't see your FWB alone at his home while you're in a serious relationship with someone. There's no reason to invite drama when its avoidable. Definitely see your friend, just invite another friend along as a buffer if you're planning on kicking it at his house.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 3
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 1:31:47 PM
If you just started dating I can see where your new BF is comming from. He is just testing the waters with you. But you also lost a few points cause he would have hard time trusting you with your FWB alone. Its one of those things that you don't tell unless you are asked. I would say if you like your BF stay away from your FWB.As a guy it would be on his mind and he would think about it. Or you can just go back to what works with your FWB and less headache and drama of being in a relationship.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 4
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 1:48:05 PM
Classic FWB problem... when it DOES work well, keeping the friend causes problems in new relationships.

He said he can't stop me from seeing my friends,...

That isn't exactly "I'm fine with it." And few people would be, unless they don't want exclusivity, or are heavily medicated, or both.

In my opinion, you have to pick one.

And I don't understand why the on-and-off FWB isn't a real-boyfriend prospect? Seems like he's a good fit for you in a lot of ways. You say, "When I find a BF though, we stop but then we pick up where we left off when we're both single." Not, when he finds a girlfriend, but when you have a boyfriend. This indicates to me that he's likely wide open to it. And you do want a steady boyfriend, or you wouldn't keep winding up with them... so why shouldn't that boyfriend be him?
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 5
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 2:04:24 PM
I don't understand why the on-and-off FWB isn't a real-boyfriend prospect? Seems like he's a good fit for you in a lot of ways.


I have the same question. You are compatible as long term friends you have sexual chemistry - what is it your friend is missing that you are seeking - a sufficiently fat wallet or is he only good looking enough when you are having a weak moment??

OP I think you are going to have to eventually lose your friend that you can't seem to stop yourself from humping when you are having a bad streak - I can't see any self respecting man who wants to have a long term relationship putting up with having that hanging over his head.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 6
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 2:23:45 PM

but our hanging out consists of hiking or clubbing and then kicking it with some cereal and watching a movie at his house or passing out on the couch, without doing anything when we're just friends.


So what happens when you have too much to drink and all of the sudden you fvck your friend again. Ups?

I have a rule when I date. All people we fvcked before are off limits. Of course, if this is an ex wife/husband and you had children and all those issues are behind, that is different. The point is, that you are not going to jump in the sack with them again, dating or not dating.

So, if your boyfriend does not care, more power to you. But does he NOT care, or care to tell you, which are two different things.
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 7
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 2:44:28 PM
This is super difficult for me because I've been friends with him for a few years, and we get along well in every respect - except he is too young and not necesarily relationship material - even though he's awesome, brilliant, kind and has my back no matter what. I love him and we kind of realize that we made a mistake. The reason we messed around was because it was convenient, we were both lonely and confused, and we find each other attractive. I told my BF about me going to party with my friend this week (and I always spend the night because my friend lives an hour away, but only 5 minutes from my fav hiking spot - so we usually go out and then hiking after) and my BF immediately said "sure", but I didn't want him to find out later about the FWB thing, so I told him it He looked a little akward and then said he can't stop me from seeing my friends. I cannot give up my friend - he's been through a lot with me other than this FWB thing. I cannot give up my BF - I see him as a potential life partner.

Do you guys think that if we went on a double date, that would make my BF more comfy? Or would it make it worse? Or maybe the 3 of us can gto hang out? Ideas?
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 8
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 2:47:06 PM
My friend respects me and would never take advantage of me, passed out or not. I trust him. We have spooned without incident. lol
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 9
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 2:51:37 PM
They have been intermixed a bit too much already in the context of a new and fledgling relationship.
Explaining the FWB situation to the BF after you were successfully a couple for a few months likely would have been better. The way to reassure your BF is to have exceptionally rare contact with your FWB pal. Your BF will probably feel better about things when your FWB pal ultimately finds his own GF, too.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 10
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History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 2:58:54 PM
Take your bf at his word. I had no problem with my then gf now wife seeing a former FWB who transitioned to a friend only, and she had no problem with me seeing former FWB either. We have very little jealousy to contend with, and a great deal of well-founded trust. I think it's entirely possible that your bf really is fine with this, but to avoid him becoming NOT fine with it, keep him informed when you see you friend, and maybe include him sometimes. That builds trust and familiarity to keep things going smoothly.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 11
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History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 3:08:45 PM
Current girlfriends, exes, ex FWB and friends have all hung out together in my social settings at times through my life.

I typically don't date overly jealous/possessive people, and I keep everything front and center so a layer of trust is there.

When FWBs make the switch to friends-only when we are dating someone else, I don't hang out with them solo as much (because either of us are hanging out with our respective others during many of those times), but instead, in groups, often containing our significant others. Because it's not secret, solo time, and people in my circle aren't needy and immature, it's a peaceful, drama free situation. In fact several exes and ex FWBs of mine are now closer friends to each other than me now, for that reason - good groups of similar people having fun together create friendships.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 12
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 3:09:35 PM
Well, that's a bit of a tough one...... especially as his reply was totally non committal.

Generally for me personally, friends (real friends, not social friends/party buddies) come first, and as you seem to have a good friend in this guy, I would not stop spending time with this friend.

But then again, I do not give a new b/f a detailed recap of my personal past, i.e. that the MBF is also an occasional FWB. I believe telling him you had an FWB thingy is perfectly sufficient once it is not continuing while you are with the b/f behind his back.

As the worst case scenario would be your new B/F opting out, try figure out what would be the lesser of the evils for you, not spending time with your long time friend or maybe losing the new B/F.

Good luck!
 JS3344
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 13
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History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 3:17:41 PM
You can't have your cake and eat it too, but go ahead and let us know the results! It doesn't mean you're jealous or possessive if you don't want your new GF to "sleep" at her FB's place, it just means you're not a sucker......maybe all three of you should have sex together, then everyone will be comfortable and "real"......
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 14
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 3:25:43 PM
If you see this new boyfriend as a potential life partner, try acting like it so that he knows that.

He looked a little akward and then said he can't stop me from seeing my friends.

That's true, he can't.

But he can leave.

He's obviously not comfortable with this, and naturally enough. It isn't even entirely about trusting you - imagine the conversation when he's out back-packing. "So what's your girlfriend doing to pass the time while we're out here?" "Uhhhh..." He's got to either lie, evade, or tell the truth - and then listen to them tell him how you're cheating on him and playing him for a fool. 'Cause they WILL.

I do not think it is advisable to try to have your cake and eat it, too, here.

You CAN give up one of them. You just don't want to. But of course you can.

Choose carefully which one, before the choice is made for you.
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 15
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 3:28:28 PM
Maybe you can get some insight into your inner-dilemma by looking at differently. What IF your current BF has a real good female friend as you do who is/was a FWB. Would YOU be fine with him not wanting to lose his friend?
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 16
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 3:30:56 PM
OP, Is the new BF the guy you started a thread about him not saying the 'L' word?

Could he be holding back because you have the FWB still on your radar and want to spend fun time with him?

You sound not ready to be in a 'we both said we love each other' type of arrangement and the committment that usually is implied.

Just go have fun and forget about trying to get guys to say 'I Love You'. Way too much work. ;-)
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
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History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 3:33:05 PM
The biggest problem I can see, is that your boundaries are too fluid. Not specific enough, for anyone to be sure what will or wont happen under a given circumstance.

If you have a minor argument with your officially designated boyfriend, will that mean that you can get back to FWB'ing again?

Do you really HAVE a boyfriend, and an ex-and-future FWB, or do you have two FWB's?

It seems to me, that as long as you consider your long time friend to be a permanent potential sex partner, that you will never genuinely commit to anyone else. They aren't ever really "boyfriends," or "potential true mates," they are more like temporary romantic flings. You can talk about the value of friendship all you like, but with the phantom boundaries you described here, that isn't what's ever really going on.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 18
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History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 3:34:11 PM
Seconding what Helen said.

Judging by the language your boyfriend used, he's very uncomfortable with this.

When my SO is ok with something, he'll say things like: I don't have a problem with that or: I'm ok with that. If HE were to say: I can't keep you from seeing X, it would send a clear message that he didn't like it at all.

I can't say what your boyfriend will do, but don't mistake his statement for anything other than a pretty clear expression of dislike.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 19
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 3:55:42 PM
At least you now know why your new "boyfriend" hasn't told you he "loves you".

And no, I'm not kidding. He probably has picked up more than one or two vibes from you during the early times of the two of you getting to "know" each other. Today, he knows even more about you with you telling him about your really "good friend" and FWB.

He'll be walking, sooner or later. Or, he may just decide to become #2 FWB?????? Either,or, you ain't getting no "I love you" from him for at least a couple more months or so.

And yeah, I checked your age,,,,,,again.
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 20
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 4:21:08 PM

Do you guys think that if we went on a double date, that would make my BF more comfy? Or would it make it worse? Or maybe the 3 of us can gto hang out? Ideas?


No, no, don't do this. People can get territorial and confrontational. You don't want two guys that have seen you naked in the same room with alcohol. It won't make your boyfriend any more comfy to see you're so chummy with your friend. You could toss yourself all over your boyfriend and MAYBE that could work, but it's a big maybe.

If I were you, I'd skip out on seeing this former FWB alone. Yes, yes, it's a hassle to drive back home after a long hike, but your boyfriend's peace of mind is worth it.

I would err on the side of caution and do everything sans kicking your friend to the curb to help your boyfriend through this:

*Don't speak of your friend. If you're going hiking, say you're going hiking with a friend. If he asks who, tell him.

*Don't sleep over your friend's house. It's just asking for drama. It doesn't matter if you're able to not have sex with someone you've had sex with before. I'm the same way. It's a switch. I can turn it on or off without blinking an eye. I've never "accidently" slept with anyone. I've known darn good and well what I was doing when I was doing it. Still, that doesn't change the fact your boyfriend may be uncomfortable with you slumbering in close proximity of a guy who has seen your orgasm. People can have wild imaginations. Do your boyfriend a favor and don't give his any fodder.

*See if you can find your FWB a girlfriend as soon as possible. It doesn't matter if the girl is a perfect match for him or not. Just toss random chicks his way and hope one sticks. It'll make things easier for you in the long run.

Good luck!
 ochikergirl
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 21
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 4:30:40 PM
Walts - why do you keep checking my age? There are crazy women of every age lol

I would think that he should respect me for being honest - I didn't want to feel like I lied or deceived him by omitting something important like that.

I only have one FWB friend and I have to admit that we weren't entirely "friends" only. We tried a relationship but it was too weird, so we reverted to friends and we're very happy that way. I'm his best wing woman :) My new BF (we've been together for a couple of months) knows that all my friends are guys - in most of my activities, I'm usually the only girl or there might be one other girl in the group so he better get used to it. In my last trip ice climbing, I roomed with a guy and my last backpacking trip, I was with 5 other guys (and trust me, NOBODY treats me like a girl). So, it's not like my friend is the only guy I hang out with - but he's one of my best friends. I guess I won't see my friend until I've completely cleared the air with my BF.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 22
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History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 4:34:15 PM
He can respect your honesty and still break up with you because he doesn't like your boundaries. One good quality doesn't make everything else a person does automatically acceptable.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 23
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History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 4:59:17 PM
Casual sexual relations (including the so-called FWB) are not a result of people who have a healthy self esteem, emotional confidence, and a strong moral, emotional identity.
But rather, low self worth, emotional avoidance (insecurity) and the resulting inability to define relational, structural boundaries leaving themselves open to confusion, angst, and feelings of loneliness and regret among others.
Though, sometimes in denial, creating a continual need to act out of the negative emotions and generated/associated feelings.
Those who partake are not in control but rather, attempting to seek control in the absence of a stable emotional self.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 24
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FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 5:24:34 PM
You answered your own question, you don't want to stop seeing your friend, and if that breaks up your new relationship, well then it should happen now rather than later on. You have sex with this guy when ever you can't get it elsewhere, you are not going to stop this, so why go around pretending and acting all dramatic about it. Go see your friend, go be who you are, and do the things you normally do, because that is who you are and what you do, shouldn't your new boyfriend see all that? What, are you going to pretend and then start being yourself later on? The answer to this is simple, stop making up all this drama. Your new boyfriend should have the choice of being with you, the real you or to see the real you and leave, why are you lying to him? Don't just half tell him something, be honest, what you are doing is deceiving.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 25
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History
FWB and new BF
Posted: 5/14/2013 5:26:15 PM
Personally, I would have trouble being with someone who turns to to someone else for a FWB situation every time he was between girlfriends. The fact that it was the same person every time would make it even more difficult. If the two liked to "hang out" together even when they supposedly were not doing the FWB thing would make me uncomfortable.
But, that's me and not you...
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