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 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 1
So TodayPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Today was a sad reminder to me. It was the day of my father in laws mother's funeral.

As I was sitting with my father in law, brother in laws, and all the family, I happened to look up at the picture's that were on an easel by at the alter. And there was, as the center-piece, a picture of my spouse and her grandmother-it was one of our wedding pictures.

Five (5) years has passed and being at family member's funeral, and seeing that picture...well, that was it for me...I remembered all the good times...the ok times, and the bad times, and most of all I remembered that year of illness and the love shared during that time...and shed tears at my loss.

Some people would say that I should be well over the passing of my spouse...and I would say that I am...but, situational grief is what I believe I experienced today.

Is it ok to feel as I feel...or should I have that past placed in the closet never to come out again???
 psytle
Joined: 3/7/2011
Msg: 2
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So Today
Posted: 5/15/2013 3:09:24 PM

Some people would say that I should be well over the passing of my spouse...and I would say that I am...but, situational grief is what I believe I experienced today.

Is it ok to feel as I feel


In my opinion, yes.

It was an appropriate circumstance to feel grief, even if the grief wasn't felt for the intended person (the grandmother of your deceased wife).

Moreover, I don't get the sense that you are obsessed with grief for your deceased wife....that is, relating inconsequential everyday events with how they remind of your deceased wife.

I would daresay that your reaction was normal and healthy, even with the passage of years.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 3
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So Today
Posted: 5/15/2013 3:36:46 PM
Strong, emotional events create powerful memories that will last a lifetime.
And those emotions can replay, and reinfocre our feelings at various times in our life through various events and triggers.
Completely healthy and fulfilling. This is in part, what is so wonderful about being human.

I also agree with Psytle that this would not be healthy;

relating inconsequential everyday events with how they remind of your deceased wife.
 QT3.18
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 4
So Today
Posted: 5/15/2013 3:48:16 PM

Some people would say that I should be well over the passing of my spouse...and I would say that I am...but, situational grief is what I believe I experienced today.

Is it ok to feel as I feel...or should I have that past placed in the closet never to come out again???


"Some people" would be wrong. This was a person who you shared your entire life with. Other than the love that you shared with her, there is also a sentimental factor that we have when we think of past loves, particularly if the person was removed from your life, not by choice of either.

It is perfectly okay to feel how you feel. And it is perfectly okay to feel it whenever, and however long you feel it.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 5
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So Today
Posted: 5/15/2013 4:12:03 PM
OP-When it comes to grief, it's always ok to feel whatever you feel. I've had people indicate to me that I should be over this loss or that loss but the truth is we all grieve differently. There's no wrong or right way. There's no time limit. Let "people" say whatever they want. It's not about them. I didn't lose my spouse through death (though It was a close call. I just didnt think he was worth spending the rest of my life in prison), but I would think that there would always be things that will just pop up out of the blue and hurt. Sometimes the smallest and oddest things. Don't worry about it.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 6
So Today
Posted: 5/15/2013 4:35:50 PM
Of course it's okay. This is an inherent, integral part of your life, of you, and always will be. It is only natural that sometimes that will come home to you all over again, especially when a death occurs.
 Misguided_Old_Mule
Joined: 4/19/2013
Msg: 7
So Today
Posted: 5/15/2013 5:24:57 PM
Feelings are always OK
because
feelings come from thoughts, and thoughts are things virtually all humans experience, time to time.

When I was 20, I was surprised when my Grandmother admitted she sometimes still missed Grandpa, who had died when I was 3. Now she's been dead for 20 years, but sometimes my ache for her is still so immediate, so sharp.

If we are not wasting our own lives (which I believe you are not) because of what was taken from us -- then we're still walking on as we were meant to do. Maybe we limp all the time or maybe only when it rains.

Sorry for your losses.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 8
So Today
Posted: 5/15/2013 5:29:44 PM
Twice in the last two weeks, I have been in the grocery store and the background music nearly brought me to tears (one time it was our song). It can sneak up on you, so don't feel badly.

Then there are other times like how I have been unpacking my stuff from storage and trying to find places for everything in my recently purchased condo. I came across a coffee table book titled The Art of Star Trek. Inside the cover was an inscription from my ex-wife that read "My love for you goes beyond the stars." So I am guessing that is how it became Lost in Space. Where no man has gone before? Um, no.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 9
So Today
Posted: 5/15/2013 6:04:44 PM
Op:

True love lives forever in your heart.......it should never be packed away in a closet! It has made you what you are today.....a little less for what you lost.....and a whole lot more for what you wrre blessed to have! My heart feels for you......
 TALLTEXAN2012
Joined: 4/13/2012
Msg: 10
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So Today
Posted: 5/16/2013 5:13:34 AM
OP when you have "history with someone" and you lose them (divorce or death), there will always be memories that bring back the feelings of your loss! I think it is a good thing to remember what you shared so just feel it!
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 11
So Today
Posted: 5/16/2013 5:31:36 AM
I want to thank you all for your support....yesterday was rough for me...but, today life goes on and I'm feeling much better about things.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 12
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So Today
Posted: 5/16/2013 5:56:37 AM
Sadly these times will come back to you in various ways. I have always felt that the key to letting them work for you is to simply feel them and appreciate what you had. Respect that these events had power in your life and respect that you survived them...;)
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 13
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So Today
Posted: 5/16/2013 8:47:12 AM
BigBadNIrish:

The memories will always be there, love is eternal. I believe that our love ones think of us in heaven as much as we think of them, but I also believe that since 1000 years in heaven is equivalent to one day here on earth, it just is us human beings never forget and have to remember, where as in heaven they rejoice, because they don’t feel loss like we do, because they know someday guaranteed that they will see us again where we have doubts because we aren’t there yet.

My father past four years ago, and there is never a moment that I don’t think of him or miss him, or shed a tear for missing him on certain occasions or just a fleeting memory...

My mom does better emotionally as each year moves on to the next year, but she knows that he is better where he is, then suffering like he did, so she reminds herself of this, but she still loves him like no tomorrow…

Sorry for your loss.
Take Care,
Jan
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 14
So Today
Posted: 5/16/2013 2:55:38 PM
Death and funerals make you feel that way. Unless you are wallowing in every day I would not worry about it.

You can't place feelings in a box and lock them up. Even if you try to do that they find a way to surface. The best way to deal with feeling is let them out in the light.

I was separated from my first husband when he died. I still think about him from time to time. That was 25 years ago.
 ladymercury
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 15
So Today
Posted: 5/19/2013 5:43:52 PM
I hear you; I lost my father nine years ago in June and life carries on but is never quite the same. Maybe because we remember in our own way, on our own time, and are not willing to share those remembrances that are absolute. It occupies my time heavily and I'm always calling on spiritual guidance about life in general it seems. When he was alive I would just ask; and so it was a simpler form of guidance. Both forms of existence, for me, seem mutually exclusive. But time has proven they are not. Heck, it's probably the reason I'm still single.

Just last week I visited the same funeral home where my was father laid to rest for a girlfriend's family funeral. I also attend church service with my grandmother in the same church where he was memorialized so can relate to a sense of emotion given a specific place.

Let it come out when it does.

Grief is a beautiful expression of strength, courage and vitality. It feels good to truly love.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 16
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So Today
Posted: 5/21/2013 11:15:24 AM
Your wife was an enormous part of your life. It would be odd for you not to go through an entire range of emotions when triggered like that.
My Aunt died last week and at her memorial service they also included many family photos. My Aunt was always smiling and laughing. I got to see a lot of childhood photos I had not seen in years. So many happy memories mixed in with bad haircuts from the 70's and 80's. My cousins and I were laughing through our tears.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 17
So Today
Posted: 5/21/2013 11:37:03 AM
Life is for the living...if you live, you feel.

I would be much more concerned if a funeral did not spark such feelings.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 18
So Today
Posted: 2/14/2014 11:33:29 AM
Here I sit thinking "this is the 6th anniversary of Valentine's Day without her and in 2 weeks the 6th Anniversary of her passing" and a sad feeling settle's in. Not an overwhelming sadness like those first couple of years...just a sadness. What would life be like today if...

Having the children home on a snow day off from school has helped...their laughter and excitement opening their Valentine's Day gifts helped put a smile on my face. What would life be like if...

It's better not to dwell....What would life be like if...
 razors_edge55
Joined: 11/25/2013
Msg: 19
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So Today
Posted: 2/14/2014 11:59:29 AM
Sadly life is for the living , but hey I can cry at the drop of a hat if the mood strikes, a good film and such, it does not make me a pussi, or any one . WE JuST FEEL ThINGS ,DEEPLY.
Don't ask what if, you know what if . What if is as it should have been ,but is not
Cheers BBI
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 20
So Today
Posted: 2/14/2014 12:06:47 PM

Cheers BBI


Thanks man!


Don't ask what if, you know what if . What if is as it should have been ,but is not


Well said
 razors_edge55
Joined: 11/25/2013
Msg: 21
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So Today
Posted: 2/14/2014 12:53:42 PM
I must tell you , you are LUCKY, yes cause when you say "till death do us part" and you mean it ... and she loved you all the way . That is what WE all hope for . I know I did . I always thought ,you don't know if love is real till the end .
If you or her are there at the end ,in love then "you made it" and how it should be.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 22
So Today
Posted: 2/14/2014 2:37:01 PM

I must tell you , you are LUCKY, yes cause when you say "till death do us part" and you mean it ... and she loved you all the way . That is what WE all hope for . I know I did . I always thought ,you don't know if love is real till the end .
If you or her are there at the end ,in love then "you made it" and how it should be.


^^^^^^ Truth ^^^^^^^^


And here I sit, soaking in the betrayal.
 razors_edge55
Joined: 11/25/2013
Msg: 23
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So Today
Posted: 2/14/2014 2:49:17 PM
Yeah ,me to a little,but don't let it bite you , It will drag you down and don't soak too long it will make you a prune. Put on some EARLY ELVIS , lota life there ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 24
So Today
Posted: 2/14/2014 3:02:00 PM
Too late. It has been this way for almost 8 years now and no end in sight. I think I am done posting for the day.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 25
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So Today
Posted: 2/14/2014 3:07:45 PM
Something that I recognized a while back about myself, might apply to you as well.

That is, that as I go through my life, I am always creating much more than just an awareness of the here and now. I am always creating an imaginary future, about each thing and person in my life.

Those futures don't disappear when the person or thing is gone, those futures are like circled days on a mental calendar, and stretch off as far as my imagination could create them.

Back when the person I lost was still with me, I created a future moment with them which might be happening finally right now. When the moment arrives, I discover all over again that I lost that person.

This is not a bad thing. When people here (and elsewhere) make the declarations we've all seen, such that "this or that guy or gal isn't ready for dating or starting a new life with someone else, if they still tear up in memory of them," I always wince. People like that have no clue about the real depth and breadth of existence, or love, or about the actual expanse of a human beings life. We aren't twinkies on a shelf with an expiration date and a price tag, we are multi-dimensional, trans-temporal beings, with pasts, and futures in us all at the same time.

If you are like me, you will find moments again like that one, for all of your life. I think it isn't at all a sign that you've "failed to properly tidy up your inner emotional baggage closet," it is instead, proof that you exist deeply in many directions, in both inner and outer ways.

I will always mourn the loss of loves and of dreams of better worlds. I wont drown in that mourning, nor call upon everyone around be to join in. But it is a part of my entirety, that I have felt deeply about others, and have retained some aspect of that caring after they are gone.
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