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 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2
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No time to meet.Page 1 of 1    
The only obvious answer is, that you are NOT actually attracting them.

More seriously, I think you are looking at the social dynamics incorrectly.

Specifically, if you ask someone on a dating site, who is, like you, actually looking for a mate, if they want to meet up... the ONLY correct answer someone is allowed to give (before actually deciding to do so) is yes.

It's really no different than the dynamic of answering the various site questions while setting up your profile. If you expect to get ANYONE to give you a shot, you have to choose to at least claim that you are generally after the same things that they are. Hence, most of us choose at least one of the options which says we are willing to meet up with other people...even though there is almost NO ONE who genuinely wants or means to commit to meet up with EVERYONE.

Stop taking everything a stranger says to you, as though it's a legally binding contractual arrangement. Relax. And read here in the forums a bunch: you'll at least find that for lots of us, it takes a hundred attempts at contact, JUST to get a reply. And after that, it can take dozens of replies, before you get a firm commitment to meet, and then far from all of those pan out.

Look at the bright side. You are getting much further than a LOT of guys here, just to have that many women SAY they are willing to meet up.
 ManOfAdventure28
Joined: 3/8/2013
Msg: 3
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No time to meet.
Posted: 5/19/2013 7:21:12 AM
If you don't know, then how am I meeant to know, OP.

Be honest....when you ask them to meet.....do you follow it up with......"I've got a cell picked out for you and everything..."
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 5
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No time to meet.
Posted: 5/19/2013 9:22:00 AM

Many have no intention to ever meet anyone. This is their entertainment. They live in some fantasy world. One of the key signs is wanting to cta/IM with you for hours. Dont IM or chat before meeting.

Women that want to actually meet you will do it fairly quickly.

4 or 5 SOLID messages. Ask for a phone number. I ONLY ask to meet while talking on the phone. Makes this process very easy. Never ask to meet in an email. This process is progression. Messages then a phone call and ask to meet.

If they wont agree to talk on the phone after 5 long solid messages then I move on. Its that simple.

I'm going to respectfully disagree with you Cowboy. It's solid advice, sure.. but it won't work for everyone. It doesn't work for me.

I prefer to chat for a long time before meeting, and I don't give out my phone number until I'm comfortable doing so. That takes me a ridiculously long time. If the guy starts pushing to get together, and really pushing to do that, I lose interest quickly because he isn't respecting my need to go slow at this point.

Why is it like this for me? I'm sapiosexual. I need to know how your brain works, and that takes time. If I don't like your brain, I'm not going to like you. I don't care how cute you are, that doesn't matter to me.

Also there are many reasons why I will say no. In the beginning, it was mostly I didn't have money to spend on a sitter. Sometimes it's because my social calendar is jammed full. My spawn are older now, so that's not an issue... however, when they are away, my time is crammed full. When they are with me, I'm busy being a parent.
 _random
Joined: 9/18/2007
Msg: 7
No time to meet.
Posted: 5/19/2013 3:44:33 PM

I prefer to chat for a long time before meeting, and I don't give out my phone number until I'm comfortable doing so. That takes me a ridiculously long time. If the guy starts pushing to get together, and really pushing to do that, I lose interest quickly because he isn't respecting my need to go slow at this point.


no_1_bby, thanks for the differing viewpoint. I think there are many who are 'more traditional' in the sense that they are looking for dating/courtship and spending the time to really get to know someone before pushing forward to a physical relationship.

That being said, how do you manage this in the real world? Do you tell someone that they need to approach you 10 times and talk to you on 10 separate occasions before you will give them a contact number and go out with them (like you are expecting online)? Do you meet them in person, then tell them to find you online so you can do the back and forth communication until you feel comfortable or do you throw caution to the wind in person?

Depending on those answers...

Wouldn't you treat online meeting just like you would in the real world, with the only exception being the initial meeting/introduction is done online vs in person? When someone approaches in the real world, they don't provide a 20 page resume/dissertation on their ideals of relationships/marriage, so how can you know them on that level when approached in real life? Are you unwilling to give your contact information when approached for the first time in person?

The only reason i ask is because it is difficult to discern someone like yourself who is genuinely trying to get to know someone from a time vampire.

I would think most would err on the side of caution and persons with your level of screening would be lumped in with time vampires.

My thinking is along the same as cowboy's. Online is for the initial introduction (meeting), send a few messages back and forth to get a feel for the person and how they communicate. If there are no red flags or deal breakers progress to meeting in person and see if they accurately represented themselves. Then make a decision and see them again or move on...

I will agree, there are way too many people on here who have zero intention on meeting in real life. The majority of the ones who 'will get back to you' are not that serious about you anyways.

OP, sounds to me like you may be a backup option (would explain the non committal responses), and they are seeing if the first second or third string will be available for the date. If their #1 & #2 picks are not available, you may get to fill in, but unless you knock it out of the park on the first time [exceptional date not talking about sex], don't expect to move ahead of #1 and #2 just yet.
 Bearfish13
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 8
No time to meet.
Posted: 5/19/2013 8:38:02 PM
I would say its just part of being here, the right person will be perceptive and accept your invitation out, not giving you the run around.. but don't jump the gun too quickly, give it a few days of talking and see how the conversation is going

ive experienced the same where I talking to someone here, and I spoke to this person for a long time before I suggested to meet and this person agreed to meet but when meeting time came around, she abandoned ship and not only once, but 3 times, and after the 3rd time I stopped talking to her
 butterflybabe06
Joined: 4/1/2013
Msg: 9
No time to meet.
Posted: 5/19/2013 10:23:04 PM
First off I will start by saying that on a forum specifically geared to asking for a womans advice so many men reply to this post... Are you women.... Didn't think so... You are not female therefore you do not completely understand our train of thought or why we do what we do. This is a very female specific question.

Most women want to talk and get to know a guy before they give out their number especially to men they are talking to off the internet. If you have children it takes a woman even longer to meet up or to give out her number. Second most women talk for a long time to weed out the men who are only looking to get into your pants because they tend to give up and stop messaging you when they find out you are into taking things slow and not wanting to jump their bones the minute that you meet them.

Some women are just wasting your time and are just looking to chat and to have some entertainment. They are wanted to feel wanted or they want to have an emotional affair. If you have tried twice and they still don't have the time to meet or don't set a concrete date move on its their loss not yours. You seem like a decent guy you will find the right person eventually.
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 10
No time to meet.
Posted: 5/19/2013 11:55:59 PM
She or they might have never had real intentions of ever meeting you. Stupid I know, but they are out there!
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 11
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No time to meet.
Posted: 5/20/2013 3:20:06 AM
After much trial and error, the process that worked for me was just as described by Cowboy.

A few emails, a phone call or two, and then a meet.

I will say, though, that I would not respond positively to wishy washy attempts to ask me out like yours. If you want a date, propose a specific time and venue. Let me know when you're free is not a request for a date, in my book. You're asking her to take the initiative. I was looking for a man who wanted to lead, not one who wanted me to.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 15
No time to meet.
Posted: 5/26/2013 9:13:57 AM
"When are you available" is too open ended.

The better approach is to know what the person you hope to meet likes to do and plan a fun date for a specific time and place.

Of course, if you are dealing with women with tight schedules, perhaps find out a little bit more about what a normal day is like for them before asking for a specific time and day. You might have to consider lunch meets with women who work near where you work. Or perhaps arrange a 15 minute meet at the park while their kid/s are playing outside. If they work late, perhaps arrange to meet at an all night diner.

If you offer a specific time and place and they say NO... then the ball is in their court. If they really want to meet you, they will find the time.

Like Marcus said in his last email message... some of these really pretty girls are just guys pretending to be girls. If someone just wants to chat and is reluctant to meet you, they might just not be a real person.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 17
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No time to meet.
Posted: 5/26/2013 12:44:16 PM
I ask when someone is free, because most if not all of the women I've talked to either have kids or work weird hours. You can't just say are you free tuesday at 3pm as you know they wont be.

of course you can say that. you may figure that such a time wouldn't work, but that isn't the point. you will have established a tone of specificity in the negotiation. since women tend to be passive/reactive in early courtship, tone-setting is part of your job, even with micro-considerations like who first proposes details like times and days.

if she rejects the details you propose but doesn't offer any of her own, she has no intention of dating you. move on.

You are not female therefore you do not completely understand our train of thought or why we do what we do.

you don't date women so you don't understand the actual dynamics of dating them.
there's often a big difference between what people say and think and what they actually do.

Second most women talk for a long time to weed out the men who are only looking to get into your pants because they tend to give up and stop messaging you when they find out you are into taking things slow and not wanting to jump their bones the minute that you meet them.

as tempting as it is to believe in reductive correlations like this, the truth is that most men who want more than sex and have options aren't going to expend much time on the pseudo-interaction of text/email/phone either, since it's in person where you find whether there's any actual spark. they'll simply move on to a woman who understands that, while the heel-dragger left behind wallows in the solitary righteousness of her false conclusions.
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