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Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4
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Still heartbroken after a yearPage 1 of 1    
It's all about how you invested yourself.

You'll have to ponder it out yourself, but it's a bit like investing monies.

If you see a financial opportunity, and you put your spare change into it, and it goes bad, you will shrug your shoulders and take it in stride.

If you had instead, also put your two-month mortgage payment into it, you will sweat a bunch more when it fails, and sullenly wait to treat yourself to pizza delivery until you rebuild that pad, and you wont let yourself invest in anything for a while after that.

And if you put in your spare change, your retirement package, your mortgage pad, and took out a loan against your full equity, when THAT goes bad, you will freak out, and not let yourself even SEE a checkbook until many many years go by, and you get it all back.

With love, it can be the same way. If this was not just a situation where she was lots of fun, but no more or less than every other woman you'd known, you would probably ache for a bit and then be back by the next month. But if you had reached the point where you had tied your sense of understanding of love itself, your ability to judge other people, your hopes and dreams of love ever after, and/or your entire self-confidence about existence into the other person, then "getting back on the horse" is going to require a lot more than another "horse."

Maybe you even feel resentful against fate, or god, if you believe in one, and so you are angrily holding yourself back as soon as you start to like someone. "I'm not going to dance for THAT sick Master of the Universe's entertainment again!"

And so on.

What's the first thing you think of when you stand looking at a potential next try, right before you turn away? That's where the problem is.
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 5
Still heartbroken after a year
Posted: 5/23/2013 4:44:35 AM
It's all about how you invested yourself.

'tis true.

the first time ever where i wasn't treated like a fool or a charity case

to me, that says a whole lot more about the *relationships* you have habitually chosen than it does about the one nice gal who decided to stop seeing you after just a few weeks of dating. because you can't really be treated like a fool or a charity case unless that's the kind of treatment you're willing to accept. maybe ask yourself why you were willing to keep letting that happen.

if you feel stuck between a habit of choosing badly and undue attachment to one normal person who walked away, then it's time to stop checking your self esteem at the door and putting the one normal person up on a pedestal.

the same people who *don't* want to treat you like a fool or a charity case aren't going to treat you that way by hanging around long enough for you to finally stop feeling like a fool or a charity case.
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 7
Still heartbroken after a year
Posted: 5/23/2013 10:37:56 AM
Alas! When it comes to matters of the heart, there are NO "universal" rules. Even for the same individual, situations vary. So, my first bit of advice would be to get rid of the "should" and "should not." There are no such animals when it comes to feelings....

It'll take however long it takes, and as Igor wisely pointed out, this usually has FAR more to do with how much we invested of ourselves than the merits or lack thereof of the person in whom we invested.

From a practical perspective.... You're already doing a right thing (no contact.) But ...have you included ALL forms of "contact" in that? i.e. Make sure you are not peeking into her online life (here or in social media), delete any old msgs, emails, texts, etc, etc. No photos. In other words, try to keep her as out of sight (and I mean mentally as well as physically) as possible. Beyond that, all you can do is continue to engage in daily living, activities, interests, and let time do its job....

Best Luck....
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 9
Still heartbroken after a year
Posted: 5/24/2013 6:24:29 PM
find out the reason why she dumped you? that will make you want to forget her for her petty thoughts about you.
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 10
Still heartbroken after a year
Posted: 5/24/2013 6:49:56 PM
Stop comparing the women you chat with now, to your Ex. Not fair on them and certainly NOT fair on you.
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 11
Still heartbroken after a year
Posted: 6/2/2013 11:39:59 PM
I can relate, just by a little bit, I was with someone for 8 months that I met from here also,

I can understand where you are coming from, and being heartbroken after a year is fine, given certain people heal differently from others, but I feel like in anyone's case you just have to find a way to live and not be beaten by this, if every person on this website has had good and bad experiences, which I have had also, prior to meeting the girlfriend I had, then clearly your bound to experience these things again but I think the right person will come along as long as you have an open mind and are optimistic about it. The song "Give me a reason" by Pink has the best chorus line that helps "Were not broken just bent and we can learn to love again" and the song "carry on" by Fun is pretty much self explanatory. You have to de-attach yourself from this person, even if you had great memories and experiences with this person, if you constantly dwell on these memories, you will never move on and your future experiences will be shaped according what you had with your last one, your next first date with someone wont be like your last one but if it fits well with you then your set.

My second bit of advice is never try to fix something that is broken, ive heard an analogy of "when a relationship is broken (like glass), don't hurt yourself trying to put it together", what is meant to happen will happen, if not then not

Good luck OP
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 12
Still heartbroken after a year
Posted: 6/12/2013 8:47:59 PM
OP it takes everyone a different amount of time.
a year is not "normal or not normal" there is no normal amount of time.

But keep it in your thoughts that you WILL be able to heal from this heartbreak little by little.
it took me a long time. too long imo.
I had a revelation type dream that sped up my willing to detach my thoughts and emotional ties from him.
I realized that I was co dependent upon him and it was a big wake up call for me.

I like what you wrote Igor:

What's the first thing you think of when you stand looking at a potential next try, right before you turn away? That's where the problem is.

what made you ever think of that Igor?

I need to think about this for myself because I have turned away from everyone since my last bf. I never quite thought to look at what I think before I turn away.

(sometimes I think...this is going to be start all over take another chance....,....and then I rethink the positive romantic moments I had with my ex and cant envision that happening with a new person). But I do know that the next time,...when I dont turn away,...will be better than the last because I have taken over a year and a half now (with no new relationship) to work on myself and issues that were brought out. I know more of what to look for in a person and what to avoid. Many times I turn away because I just have the feeling..or even knowledge , that its not going to be the right person. something he says or does or wants does not equal to what I am wanting. so I can tell we would probably not make the best match. yet... my choices in the past have not been good. so I am kind of stuck on this part....just where the OP is but further along in that I no longer have heartache... will get better.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 13
Still heartbroken after a year
Posted: 6/13/2013 6:14:22 AM
Three months? Three months! Then a year to get offer? Dude, your problem was not her. It's you. You are still in love with an illusion in your head. And illusion that now has the image of the martyr. Was she that hot? Was she that good in bed? Was she that good to you? Let's say that she was. So what. There are other type of women out there.

When you compare, you only hurt yourself. I am guilty of doing that. And had to learn the hard way. Then you can see the beauty that is inside each different women. "But this one does not dance like X. This one is not as sensuous as X."

Erase all that.
Joined: 12/15/2012
Msg: 14
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Still heartbroken after a year
Posted: 6/13/2013 6:10:37 PM
this post was genius... helped get a perspective on my own situation thanks
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 16
Still heartbroken after a year
Posted: 6/15/2013 7:31:41 AM
I hear ya OP, went out for 15 months, engaged and then splitzville, it's been almost 8 months, still miss her dearly, well done on seeing her on the street and keeping your focus and cool, I'm not looking forward to that first awkward encounter.
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 17
Still heartbroken after a year
Posted: 6/15/2013 8:17:34 PM
how do you feel now OP?
after seeing her?
sounds like you did good by waving and keep moving on. That can be difficult to bump into an ex.
did it change anything inside of how you feel?
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