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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Passive-aggressive humor?      Home login  
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 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 1
Passive-aggressive humor?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I searched for this topic and couldn't find something similar in the forums.

As with everything, there are different kinds of humor and how people perceive of such. I would like to know if I may have mistaken/misinterpreted what this guy told me or rather tried to joke with me about, which I automatically reacted negatively to and dismissive. I personally do not like to be told what to do in any shape or form (unless its work or I stand to learn something from it), and when it comes from a man, it really brings out the worst in me.

Here is what he told me (all over text):

Him: Do you drive?
Me: No, I live in NYC, lol
Him: You suck I got a truck but it is getting fixed I wanted you to pick me up and take me to a movie tonight lol.
Me: Good luck on your search
......................................................................................................................................
Him: Hey Belle, are you enjoying this miserable weather today? I'm not...I got soaked to the skin at work lol
Me: I love the rain, I didn't get soaked, I have an umbrella and rain shoes
Him: You should be drying me off lol jk
Me: I'm telling you, you have some sense of humor that just doesn't agree with me, lol
Him: Aww I need to stop sorry
Me: You shouldn't have to change who you are to suit me or my sense of humor. Its just not gonna work out. It may be a joke but it all sounds passive aggressive to me.
Him: Nice just me playing around don't worry about it we'll be fine meet me before you decide that that's all I ask
Me: I'm not getting a good feeling about this. Thank you but I think its better we don't meet.

These are snippets of conversations but they are all covered in this type of passive aggressive humor (in my opinion). Do you find any of what he said funny, like you would want to meet someone with this type of humor (telling you what to do but I'll phrase it as a joke kinda thing)? Did I completely blow it out of proportion?
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 2
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 12:47:52 PM

-- if there's nothing funny in the situation, why adding "lol" to it?


I guess I thought saying it without it would be insulting, I don't know. But now that you point it out, maybe I should have left it off, and let him take it however he would have.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 3
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History
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 12:48:29 PM
I don't know about those guys, but you sound a bit ... ummm ... uptight? If those guys were talking to me over text, I'd think they were nervous and trying to be funny, doesn't mean I'd find it funny, but I'd at least cut them some slack.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 4
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 12:48:55 PM

Whatever you do, never ask out any attractive guy that you see out IRL or online here... Ever...

Always let the males make lame attempts to come onto you, or to try to engage you in some type of ongoing texting contest to be judged for content and maybe lack of humor, where they MUST initiate everything, trying to gain your ephemeral attention and affections however they can,
all the time and forevermore...


Got ya, will think of it for future reference
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 5
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 12:49:02 PM
^^^ I agree. It's very passive aggressive to add that little 'LOL' onto the end of a sentence which was meant to sting. It's the equivalent of a little kid putting their hand over their mouth as if to stop the words coming out, once they know they've said something or used a word they shouldn't have. It's not cute from an adult.

Either re-word what you are saying if you think it's not going to be well received or have the spine to stand by the statement.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 6
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 12:52:48 PM

I don't know about those guys, but you sound a bit ... ummm ... uptight? If those guys were talking to me over text, I'd think they were nervous and trying to be funny, doesn't mean I'd find it funny, but I'd at least cut them some slack.


That's what I thought, that maybe I failed to really get a sense of it and I allowed it to mean something else. I get that they are trying to be funny, I just don't think all kinds of funny is funny (which you also point it out). I haven't had the same experience with anyone else. Maybe I should have met him after all.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 7
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 12:56:04 PM

^^^ I agree. It's very passive aggressive to add that little 'LOL' onto the end of a sentence which was meant to sting. It's the equivalent of a little kid putting their hand over their mouth as if to stop the words coming out, once they know they've said something or used a word they shouldn't have. It's not cute from an adult.

Either re-word what you are saying if you think it's not going to be well received or have the spine to stand by the statement.


Thank you, I won't mince words or try to make it not sting. It is what it is and I should stand by it.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 8
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 1:00:55 PM
she doesn't "need to" do anything. she wasn't attracted to his adolescent sense of humor. I know i'd never date anyone who thought carlos mencia or "larry the cable guy" are actually funny. just to name two people who think they're funny but aren't.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 9
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 1:04:24 PM

Ya you are crazy, tone that shi.t down. He was flirting with you VERY playfully and easy-going. You flipped the f-uck out.
Check out my free confidence and attraction newsletter and ill help any way I can. www.datingmeetup.weebly.com


thanks, I just didn't see it as "VERY playfully", I'll check out the newsletter when I get a chance
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 10
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 1:11:04 PM

she doesn't need to do anything. she wasn't attracted to his dumb adolescent sense of humor.


I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees it that way. Damn, that's exactly what crossed my mind (adolescent sense of humor), but something about it seemed off to me.
 midable
Joined: 5/19/2013
Msg: 11
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 1:16:30 PM
Those are jokes/quips that a gentleman should not be telling. It's hard to find a gentleman today... especially in your age group. What age group do you date? Maybe try older men?
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 12
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History
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 1:24:06 PM
Did I completely blow it out of proportion?

possibly, but that's what you and these guys set yourselves up for by trying to get to 'know each other' by text. the bantering guys don't know tone is invisible in writing. you open the door to potential overreactions that eliminate what might be good prospects.

have real time conversations instead.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 13
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 1:26:34 PM

Those are jokes/quips that a gentleman should not be telling. It's hard to find a gentleman today... especially in your age group. What age group do you date? Maybe try older men?


The range is 29-43

I haven't had the same issue with humor with other people. Older gentleman joke differently, its tasteful, funny, and sometimes I don't understand it and have to google it (if they make reference to a movie I haven't seen, or its more relevant to their time as opposed to mine). I just learned the other day "You don't suffer fools gladly".
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 14
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 1:29:47 PM

possibly, but that's what you and these guys set yourselves up for by trying to get to 'know each other' by text. the bantering guys don't know tone is invisible in writing. you open the door to potential overreactions that eliminate what might be good prospects.

have real time conversations instead.


He did tell me that he would like to have a conversation on the phone to clear things up, but at that time, I had already made up my mind that it wouldn't have made a difference. I do see your point that texting lends itself to these kinds of issues. I'll strive to move on to phone calls sooner rather than later, thanks.
 Buckets_of_Sky
Joined: 2/7/2010
Msg: 15
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 1:59:25 PM
You don't need to apologize for what you 'feel' is passive aggressive behavior, it is your perspective and therefore valid, at least to you, especially since it you that will bear the responsibility of the over all experience.

If you are asking the inhabitants of POFland what our opinion is, we aren't shy about sharing , as you can tell there are as many. If they differ, well so what? It matters only how this fellow makes you feel and you need to go with that. I am a believer, that what one feels is important and probably should be heeded or at least acknowledged on some level, such as you have here. Listen to your intuition. So there you have it one more opinion.
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 16
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History
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 2:21:07 PM
I think you do need to loosen up a bit. One thing about guys is that they'll test the waters. They want to see how far you can go, how you'll react (do you react with strong emotions) and if you can play and be witty! There's nothing passive aggressive about it. Guys want a challenge, someone who can hold their own! When you can banter back and forth it adds spice to the relationship.

Him: You suck I got a truck but it is getting fixed I wanted you to pick me up and take me to a movie tonight. lol
You could have pushed back: Sucks to be you! Rent a Mercedes. See you in an hour my place!

Him: You should be drying me off lol jk
You: What did you fire your dryer maid? Or gee I didn't realize you were handicapped don't they sell prosthetic arms in your size?

I just had a guy text for pics so yeah I sent him pictures alright, of my foot and the crack of my elbow. He got the message but it was done in a playful way. Another one sent me feeler shirtless picture and I texted back saying "I'm confused because it looks like you forgot to do your laundry". He laughed and I never got anymore pictures I didn't want to get.

See how you can both play and set up boundaries at the same time!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
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History
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 2:27:36 PM
Aw, c'mon.

OP: this is basic, low level "negging." Nothing special about it. Look up "negging" online, and you'll recognize what you were going through with these guys.

It's been around forever, and has 'worked' forever (until the people it's being used on get clued in to recognize it).

Passive aggressive is different. Passive aggressive, would have been if the guy who wanted you to drive him, hemmed and hawed, and asked vague leading questions, until you GUESSED that you were supposed to offer to drive. He would have used an oblique approach, such as saying "well, I saw that there was a great play that a couple could go to, if one of them had a vehicle and really cared enough about the other one to offer to drive."

You've been "negged." Unsuccessfully, per your description, in which case, I give you a remote pat on the back.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 18
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 2:38:16 PM

If you are asking the inhabitants of POFland what our opinion is, we aren't shy about sharing , as you can tell there are as many. If they differ, well so what? It matters only how this fellow makes you feel and you need to go with that. I am a believer, that what one feels is important and probably should be heeded or at least acknowledged on some level, such as you have here. Listen to your intuition. So there you have it one more opinion.


Thanks, I was not invalidating my feelings of it but perhaps I misinterpreted the whole thing and thereby attached the feelings out of the overreaction. I will keep prioritizing the feeling as an alarm of something not going right. Thanks.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 19
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 2:47:20 PM

I think you do need to loosen up a bit. One thing about guys is that they'll test the waters. They want to see how far you can go, how you'll react (do you react with strong emotions) and if you can play and be witty! There's nothing passive aggressive about it. Guys want a challenge, someone who can hold their own! When you can banter back and forth it adds spice to the relationship.

Him: You suck I got a truck but it is getting fixed I wanted you to pick me up and take me to a movie tonight. lol
You could have pushed back: Sucks to be you! Rent a Mercedes. See you in an hour my place!

Him: You should be drying me off lol jk
You: What did you fire your dryer maid? Or gee I didn't realize you were handicapped don't they sell prosthetic arms in your size?

I just had a guy text for pics so yeah I sent him pictures alright, of my foot and the crack of my elbow. He got the message but it was done in a playful way. Another one sent me feeler shirtless picture and I texted back saying "I'm confused because it looks like you forgot to do your laundry". He laughed and I never got anymore pictures I didn't want to get.

See how you can both play and set up boundaries at the same time!


Lmao, you are too much. I didn't think to entertain the idea of responding with wit, I just felt it wasn't gonna go in a positive direction once it went from 1joke to 6 jokes, I kinda had it after the 3rd one. I want people to be themselves but I told him after the first tasteless joke that I don't understand that kind of humor, and he just tried modifying until he ended up back where he started, tasteless jokes.

I'm definitely going employ some of that in the future, and test how that goes. Thanks. I'll try removing the stick from my @ss.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 20
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 2:51:10 PM
he was doing "c0cky/funny" that pickup artists teach online. Ask him next time if he got his sense of humor from Christian Hudson (one of the more popular ones on using text to score), maybe that'll rattle his cage to get called out like that.

Still, look how long you talked to him. you overlooked something that bothered you about him. had he not been so attractive (physical or otherwise), the red flag would have been enough to send you running.

It works on people it works on. other people say, "wow, this bothers me enough i'd ask other people about it." and take it as a sign.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 21
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 2:56:08 PM

You've been "negged." Unsuccessfully, per your description, in which case, I give you a remote pat on the back.


I googled it and didn't like what I found...lol.

It also says its not something decent people do. I agree, that sounds more like what this guy was doing. What you described as passive-aggressive sounds more guilt tripping someone, or maybe that's just one way of going about it. Thanks.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 22
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 3:06:52 PM

OP -- a few things you can take from all that:
1) you really don't go for**** and funny - in spite of some of the replies - that's not all bad. Some of us find that routine to be really lame - we're also the type that rolls our eyes at "looking for a challenge". We want someone who can just be themselves and doesn't need the cover of "cocky and funny" or "a challenge"....that may be the mode you're in too. (I'm also originally from NYC - wonder if that's a pattern, in spite of the reputation a lot of us NY'ers have)
2) if you like a guy initially, and he comes at you with that "routine" - try just being direct with him and say, "the whole****-and-funny" schtick doesn't really work well with me - just try relaxing and being yourself" -- if he IS going off one of those blogs/sites, you may be doing him a huge favor :) And if he really IS that type, he's probably not your type - but there'll be plenty of other women who will like that, and plenty of other men that won't be that way at you.


Hmmmmmm, maybe its a New Yorker thing, didn't think of that. I consulted my friend (another New Yorker) and he said "drop him immediately" lol

I did tell him I didn't appreciate that kind of humor and he kept apologizing but would go right back at it after a few messages, maybe he's just committed to that game. When I cut it off, he wrote me what could be described as an essay, and then called me 4 times which I didn't answer.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 23
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 3:13:21 PM
Completely-incomplete: I agree, I felt it was childish, I couldn't even understand it, it wasn't funny to me.

Dreamfire: there is definitely some truth to what you're saying. My agenda was to evaluate whether it would be some worth meeting in person, and the jokes turned me off. I tried to look past it but then came another joke and I became intolerant of it. I do sense the walls but I'm not sure how to let them down or overcome them yet. I'm working on it. Thanks.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 24
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 3:19:51 PM
Nah, you didn’t misunderstand or blow it out of proportion. They aren’t funny. And really, I don’t think its a very passive form of aggression to tell someone that they suck. There’s little prospect of ever laughing yourselves to tears together with that level of humor. (“OMG! you said I suck?!?! HAHAHA! Stop it! I can’t breathe!!”……. Just not going to happen)
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 25
Passive-aggressive humor?
Posted: 5/29/2013 3:20:45 PM
Gtomustang: I didn't even know such a term existed for such an agenda...lol. It'll be easier to spot next time.

Every time he initiated conversation I though "maybe this is not as bad as I'm making it out to be", only to be irritated when the jokes came back. I wouldn't say he was interesting enough to overlook the bothersome jokes, but I guess it was entertaining after following up with all other prospects. I just couldn't bare it any longer after the punch line that included "you should". It was only a week.
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