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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > You'll find someone when you stop looking      Home login  
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 Fromkeltocalg
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 1
You'll find someone when you stop lookingPage 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I have been thinking about this recently, and no one has yet to explain or offer a theory as to why this is even valid. I mean if you stop looking on PoF for example, you would then have to make sure that you go out and be social in a lot of different environments to give yourself the necessary exposure to meet someone. (Note - Nothing wrong with being social, but many of us are on here because we are too busy, new to town, etcc...)

So what are your guy's thoughts?
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 2
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You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/15/2013 9:51:00 PM
I've noticed in real life, it does work like that. I think because once we are not looking, we are more ourselves. I think people are attracted to us more when we are out and about living our lives and being active than when we are trolling for someone. Just my own opinion. I don't think it's beneficial to only use online dating in looking for someone. It's always best to have other options, too.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 3
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You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/15/2013 9:54:33 PM
There goes that theory of "Law of Attraction", lol...

I don't think so. I stopped looking a long time ago, and even when I do run into some guy that I think isn't bad, I'm so scared to death that I run the other way.... lol...

Jan
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 4
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/15/2013 11:23:47 PM
It doesnt work. If you stop trying, nothing happens. You dont run into people at stores, or on the street, etc..everyone is too busy starring at their celphones. We dont WANT to meet new people. People are too into themselves, their own little safe bubble. If you try to "stop looking so hard" nothing happens. Its a losing proposition.

Thats why I stopped bothering with dating and got on with my life. No games, no agendas, no schemes, no tricks or philosophies..just the cold hard reality that people really dont care about one another and do not want to invite more problems into their life via other humans.
 Fromkeltocalg
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 5
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/16/2013 2:50:53 AM
Hmm, I think I agree we are more natural when we aren't trying ti impress... Our natural personality will either impress or it won't.., in which case there is no mutual attraction if it doesn't.

Volcano.. That was so depressing, I think you've been hanging around the wrong kind of people. I know many who will stop to help others, have helped me when I needed it and I in turn have done the same for others. I suggest you go find new friends that offer the positive things you want to provide to them.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 6
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/16/2013 4:34:04 AM
Men are more shy in public. It would be nice to have more social events that don't include drinking where I could meet other people. The theory of online dating doesn't work like I thought it would.
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 7
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You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/16/2013 5:57:39 AM
The whole stop looking and you'll find someone is really a crock of ... Basically the only magic to it is that if you stop trying so hard to be latched onto someone for the wrong reasons then someone will find you awesome. This part is true however you can still do this, date and have a relationship in mind. You just have to keep your checks and balances in order which is hard for some people. So for some people it's probably better they believe in the stop looking theory.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 8
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/16/2013 6:22:47 AM
I tried it once. Walked around for over a year with my eyes covered. Got nothing but bumps on my head from walking into walls. After awhile though, I had a pretty tough head.
 house_full_of_bullets
Joined: 8/22/2011
Msg: 9
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/16/2013 7:08:54 AM
I think it is a valid theory. Reason being, when you are looking for a mate (even if you're not desperate) you tend to evaluate potential dates and mates and that gives off a certain vibe. If you're not looking, that gets switched off and potentials become more interested in you as a result, because you appear to be less needy and more self confident.

Happy relaxed people are always desirable to be around.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 10
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/16/2013 8:18:55 AM
I think it might work. I never look for bills, car problems, or other unexpected expenses, but they always find me without any effort on my part. For those who believe that if you sit on your arse everyday without looking, and think potential mates will magically be lining up at your door some day because you're not looking, what is the time frame when you realize if it does or doesn't work?
 Lone-Loser
Joined: 10/11/2012
Msg: 11
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/16/2013 9:21:23 AM
what it means, really, (And this won't work for some.. unfortunately, but it will for most) is you 'stop looking' at each person you meet as a 'yes or no' deal. You just 'LIVE' and carry on as normal, treat each and every person, regardless of age, sex, looks, etc, as 'just another person'

Then, when not looking, due to lack of 'strain' and/or stress we all have when 'seeking love', a connection you previously would not have considered will lead on to more.

It won't help those with any type of anxiety disorder, or just the plain 'homebody' types who don't often socialize with mobs of people(or work solo, not in a public setting) but for 80+% of folks, that's how it is.

So basically, just get out there, be yourself, and don't 'want' anything from anyone beyond friendship.

(Awesome advice, just wish I could do it myself lol)
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/16/2013 4:44:11 PM
(You'll find someone when you stop looking)

I hate that cliche. One of the ones I can't stand. For me, it's so ditsy - it applies for some, but it would be nonsense as a rule of thumb for all. This phrase/philosophy assumes some things about how a person is looking. When it works for someone, it's probably because they're not doing something right in their looking...so instead of having the sense to examine how they're looking, they have to trick themselves by stopping the looking - which shows how weird this is, because you're still looking. Or receptive...whatever. But somebody who doesn't do whatever those things are when they look that they shouldn't doesn't have to pull some weird trick on themselves or give others a backwards impression by pretending to not look when they are looking. Either you're looking, or you aren't. If you find someone when you aren't looking, were you really not looking? What the hell's that mean anyway? The person who finds you when you aren't looking was looking themself, weren't they? You just both found each other when neither was trying to find someone? No, still doesn't make sense...you both obviously were looking, or you wouldn't have taken to each other so well when you bumped into each other. So, again, the problem is how some people look, not the fact that they're looking. If you don't look, you won't find. It's just about how you look. If you have to change something by fooling yourself that you're not looking, instead of addressing how you're looking, then there's often something dishonest or unexamined about how you're looking in the first place.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 13
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/16/2013 5:19:06 PM
For me personally.....whether or not I'm "looking" nobody comes my way. If I had a dime for everytime someone has told me that I would be a very very rich woman and could retire today.

I've joined clubs, leagues, volunteered etc.....made a lot of good friends, but no dates.

And since I've hit that magical age of the Big 4 - 0, I just don't have time for that sh*t anymore.

One thing I've learned out here is nobody wants someone who is hard working, professional, very educated and has a lot going for them, and that is not a gender specific issue.
 Galloolie
Joined: 6/5/2013
Msg: 14
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/16/2013 6:17:02 PM
There must be a shred of truth in that saying because it has been around forever and exists in various forms. I think the key is to stop expecting so much. When I expect something, am I not actually demanding it? And who (or what) enjoys being demanded of? By setting my expectations high I am almost always doomed to (self inflicted) disappointment. But when I have little or no expectation I am more often than not pleasantly surprised and more content.

That's how I do it. It aint for everyone, obviously.
 ladymercury
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 15
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/16/2013 7:00:57 PM
I'm totally still trying to understand this new to town part of your equation actually. I've tried to travel beyond the scope of my environment and as soon as I get too far or put my feet somewhere else I have to work harder, less time to pause and take it all in. Being too busy seems to be par for the course though ... and I can't even imagine meeting someone without some kind of social compatibility so you're right on about the exposure part.

I have heard other people say that it happens when you least expect it and/or stop looking. I generally don't expect it and still manage to battle the reality that anything is possible.

Nothing wrong with dating websites though, I'm on a few but POF seems to be a good match for my time spent.
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 16
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/16/2013 11:53:54 PM
I don't think about it . One might easily find no one, because the ones available aren't appealing or one is so closed off the aloofness is repellent.
Nobody wants to chat up a hard to get type, but neither is desperation attractive. So the basic gist of stop looking hard for love is true...People prefer to converse without obvious agendas and date pressure.
As for the Ot, some do well online but most don't. It's a matter of how patient and tolerant you are. It works best if one is young educated,attractive, fit, etc...people who really shouldn't need it to meet people.
But hey, if you have a marketable product, the tendency is to see how good of a catch you can get, for amusement it often seems..
I also think it works for average people willing to date average people. But, it seems like people want someone way higher status online...a wish fulfillment fantasy.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 17
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/17/2013 9:44:41 AM
It's all about mindset.

If you are looking for someone, you will tend to tailor things around meeting people, your hopes will be up about how just about every interaction goes, you will be more disappointed when things don't click like you want them to. You will get frustrated if you don't end up with someone in a certain amount of time, and you will compromise more of what you don't want to make things click so you're single a shorter amount of time. You'll also have a vibe of looking for someone or being on the hunt most of the time, which tends to cause people to avoid.

If you aren't looking for someone, your focus changes to other things in life you enjoy, your patience with dating will expand a lot, your threshold for compromise, and your ability to pick and choose what you want will change dramatically. If you are content single, you will be in a better place to recognize/be open to people who are the right match for you. If those people come along at a slow rate or not at all, it won't crush you because you're happy regardless.

Lastly, I always say most people want to attend a party, few people want to host one. That means that someone doesn't want the job of making you happy - in fact if they feel they will be the thing to make you complete they will tend to shy away from the challenge. On the other hand, most people are drawn to a person who's just upbeat and content generally no matter what goes on in their environment. Inner peace is an attractive human quality - people who aren't looking but will go with something if it happens tend to be more at peace with themselves.

I believe if you are social enough and open to learning about new people in your travels - you will make a lot of acquaintances/friends along the way, some of who will end up being more. Not trying to make it happen is usually the best way to go - and a relationship that develops naturally is a great thing when it does happen. Stuff like that should be organic, not crammed into a timeline like a business plan.

JMO
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 18
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/17/2013 10:02:16 AM
Sometimes when you're looking too hard you overlook the obvious that may be right under your nose. That's just my take on it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 19
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/17/2013 7:09:34 PM
A more appropriate statement would be :
WHEN I find someone, I'll stop looking.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 20
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/17/2013 9:34:28 PM
I think its both true and false, in different ways.

When you are "looking", generally people put off a different attitude - and it can come across as "they're trying too hard" (ie, seem a bit "desperate" perhaps - not always, but depending on the person and their comfort/confidence it can). Whereas when you aren't you are usually just "being yourself" - which is more "real" (and if you are comfortable and confident, more attractive).

That being said, if "not looking" means you are sitting at home in front of the TV waiting for 'them' to call or knock on your door out of the blue... chances are that's not gonna happen (unless the hot neighbor suddenly wants to borrow sugar for their coffee or something ). You still need to be doing things and meeting people, "living life", if you're going to meet someone.


but many of us are on here because we are too busy, new to town, etc


Arguably, if you are "too busy", one would have to ask if you even have time to date? New to town of course is a different story, maybe you just don't know "where to go" to meet people... but that just means developing some interests and finding places in your new town to hang out with like-minded people, or maybe if it's a new job or whatnot, making some friends there and going out after work, etc. That just takes sociability and time.
 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 21
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/23/2013 11:11:14 PM
I can understand this advice but I don't believe in it. Sure, it may come to you when you're not looking but your chances do seem better when you actively seek it out. In the end you can't expect things to happen if you don't strive to obtain them. It's almost like thinking about winning the lottery when you don't buy tickets.
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 22
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You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/24/2013 12:57:08 AM
Cuz when we give each other the googly eyes, we all creep each other out.
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/24/2013 2:31:30 AM

I can understand this advice but I don't believe in it. Sure, it may come to you when you're not looking but your chances do seem better when you actively seek it out. In the end you can't expect things to happen if you don't strive to obtain them. It's almost like thinking about winning the lottery when you don't buy tickets.

This is kind of what I meant earlier. It's not a problem of looking, but how you look. The one thing that makes no sense is to stop looking in order to look. Stop doing your part and stop putting out any effort, in hopes that it'll just accidentally happen. So, it's obviously addressing certain of those things that some people do that are stupid, self-defeating, or unproductive concerning HOW they're looking, and it's a weird attempt to trick oneself into not doing these things instead of just not doing them. Many of us aren't in those mindsets, and don't engage in those practices, so stopping looking to find someone seems stupid as hell. We see it as one of those arse-backwards cliches that can perpetuate nonsense or a bad understanding of it.

When you lose your car keys, do you know why they're always in the last place you look? Because after you find them, you stop looking for them.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 24
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/24/2013 7:45:22 AM
When I get laid off from work, I'll stop looking for another job and let the job find me instead.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 25
You'll find someone when you stop looking
Posted: 6/24/2013 8:08:26 AM
OP

If I had stopped looking on here, I would still be alone. I don't flash like a lot of guys. I am very gun shy in public. Since I was 14, I have been shot down in clubs, bars, and social meetings so much it is almost like I have a target on my back. Unless a guy is super handsome, has power, money, toys (motorcycle, cars, boats), a lot of guys get ignored. So if you have those as a guy, you can stop looking because you some female will find YOU. Guys like me HAVE to keep looking or be alone.

I spent years out here dating really good people, but didn't find a right match totally until recently. There were some awesome people that we meshed, but I didn't really fit with them.
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